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Godly Women Get the Blues ? ? ?


Women work hard, play hard, love their families, love their God, but sometimes they get the blues.   Blues maybe that is a mild term. Sometimes Godly women can become down right depressed.  Depressed is a mild word, sometimes women can fall into dark holes of despair.  When one falls into that dark hole what do you do?  I have been struggling with depression  for more than a year now.  I didn’t  realized till just  before Christmas 2010.   It was not a  crisis of faith.  If anything God does draws closer to you but the noise of negativity and darkness can be overwhelming. I never knew what was happening till I had my breakdown.  I slowly started to realize what what happening to me.  I was depressed, I was ashamed, I was a women that was incontrol that was out of control. I was afraid, terrified is a better word.  I had no one to turn to; at lease I thought I didn’t.

I wanted to start this blog as a record of my journey through depression, the doctor appointments, the medications and a deeper relationship with God, the tension of friendships, the relationships with my kids and husband and how they are effected. Some of what you read is funny, sad, even scary, but all of what you read is true.

I also want to help those who are going through the same thing.  When friends are too busy to talk, and the darkness seems to close, I hope that you will come search this out. There are answers to the questions about what depression is about, there is hope, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Please read on you’ll find anxious moments, you’ll find answers to prayer, you’ll hear stories of deep despair, sadness, addictions and failures.  And maybe you’ll find hopefully a way to cope and way to hope and a way to find peace.

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Oh cloudy day


Its Friday a day all people with Sat and Sunday look forward to.  Having a really bad day out of the blue.  (sorry for the pun I just realized it from last posts title and this post title)  I feel so out of sorts today.  I am shaky, which is interesting cause I haven’t been a long long time, and feeling anxious, to be honest I have one nerve left and every one wants to stomp on it.  Nothing has changed in the week.  Just another day, just another chemical reaction.   No darkness just sad, mad, (angry) physically hurting, and shaky.  Ugg

Dear Lord.

I know that all you do is good.  All you do is right. All you do is fair.

In this day I am not feeling good right or fair.  It is your strength and your love that I need in my heart.

I am weak but you are strong, so cover me over with your hand and keep me safe.

Lead me in your paths, take my hand.

I feel blind today, stumbling around like a blind, deaf,  lost puppy.

Oh Holy Spirit please take this prayer to God with Groanings from deep with in my heart

Cause there is no love no kindness only anger.

I put this into your hands cause mine hands can not handle this

Amen

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Oh Sunny Day


Another beautiful day,  so warm and sunny, just unheard of in May.  Wearing summer sandles and shorts and  how lovely is that!! The past Victoria Day Weekend  was high 20′s sunshine, and swimming and tanning.  I caught up on my vitamin D.  Its been nice to sit and relax, spend some time with friends.  Fall asleep infront of them around the camp fire!  This endless tiredness is driving me nuts.

The rub of it all.  Here are the problems with health issues and it doesn’t have to be mental illness, depression any health issue.  I can’t sleep,  I need to exercise and exhaust myself so I can sleep better.  In order to exercise I need to have the energy to do it.  In order to have the energy to do it I need to eat right and sleep.  My back has been hurting to the point I am taking muscle  relaxers  for it.  If  I want to make my back feel better I need to do core work.  In order to do core work I need to exercise.  In order to do exercise I have to want to and need energy to do it .    See where I am going with this its like a merry go round.   I realize this is the whine of a suffering person, but when you think of it you can do two things;  laugh cause its murphy’s law, and isn’t that just like life, or let it get you down.   These  days I can laugh mostly.  But when I am in most pain or distress, its darn hard not to be down.

I have been feeling better today I have been a little down today.  I searched out a natural  doctor and have gone on some natural supplements to help balance my hormones, my emotions feel better,  but physically I feel like my body is raw  from  the previous hormone treatment I stopped.   I feel like I have  scrapped my insides from top to bottom.  I am not been sad or in darkness for a while just a little down today, which on some levels a sore body is easier to deal with, easier to hide from others, and even a little more functional.  I may be tired but I can suck it up mostly and make it through.  I my body hurts I can pop some Advil and smile and not have to evoke happy feelings.  Feeling on feelings is hard.  Feelings on a sore body is much easier.

I read today a saying that went “ I will live above my thorn,  not under it”  I thought it clever.  This blog seems to talk about the thorn and how I am trying to live through it, tucking my skirt in tight to my knees and trying to wade through water over my head,  not over the thorn.   But that is the purpose of the blog.  Not to whine, but to talk about what happens on the inside of the mind as you cope,  and try to come to a balance of a storm like Depression and mental illness.  Even though I have been suffering for more that a year or two I can swallow the word depression but to see mental illness in print is still hard to take.

I have to say one thing about this storm.  I don’t understand it, or why I have developed it, or if it will ever go away.  But I learned so much about me.  Not just what I can handle or not handle.  But it has solidify some truths with in me. Truths about God that he is the one and only God and Jesus is his son sent to save me from me and my weak flesh.  And the Holy Spirit is my councillor and leads me shows me things of God.  And best of all this storm has made me not afraid to admit it loud and proud.  That is a solid with in me when so many other things are not.

till next time………………………….

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Trying to Sing in the Dark


Lord are you there, Sometimes I can’t sence Your Presence.  This is the hard thing. The crushing darkness, the true test of faith. David spoke long about not feeling God‘s presence.  Many a Psalm starts out with a plea to God not to leave him. But many a Psalm also starts with a rejoice to the Lord.

This blasted thing, this depression has taken me to the depths I could not ever imagine and a darkness I never knew existed.  It has also shown me Love and Kindness from others and I have been; when I am having good days, to show gentleness to others I have never been able.  It is all opposites.  Last evening I didn’t want to be around people but my heart cried out in darkness and loneliness.  Today I don’t want to be around people - I took a sick day,  but I can’t wait to have my husband come home from work.  It has separated me from God yet brought me closer. I have been frightened out of my wits, and I have seen the end of life, or thought of the end of life, and yet given me so much more to live for.  Paths I have never considered, thoughts I have never thought, pain I never knew, and shame I have never known before, weakness I never knew could ever exist, weakness I never considered myself to possess and strength I never knew I could tapped into.

The thing I have to remember is that in the darkest of dark, in the loneliness of lonely, in the depths of my heart hurting that I need to ignore the feelings no mater how strong and crushing they are, I chose to trust in God.  Sometimes I utter it weakly, unbelievingly. Sometimes I say it in a loud bold voice.  sometimes I say it in fear.  But I say it and that is the point, I chose to trust in God

At times God puts us through the discipline of darkness to teach us to heed Him.  Song birds are taugh to sing in the dark, and we are put into the shadow of God’s hand untill we learn to hear Him…. Watch where God puts you into darkness, and when you are there keep your mouth shut. Are you in the dark just now in your circumstances, or in your life with God? Then remain quiet….When you are in the dark, listen,and God will give you a very precious message to give to someone else when you get into the light………………Oswald Chambers

till next time…………………

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Match box 20 ; Unwell


I hate this song………………………….sometimes lyrics are too close to reality

All day Staring at the ceiling Making friends with shadows on my wall

All night Hearing voices telling me That I should get some sleep Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on I’m feeling like I’m headed for a Breakdown I don’t know why

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell I know, right now you can’t tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see A different side of me

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired I know, right now you don’t care

But soon enough you’re gonna think of me And how I used to be Me

Talking to myself in public Dodging glances on the train

I know I know they’ve all been talking ’bout me I can hear them whisper And it makes me think there must be something wrong

With me Out of all the hours thinking Somehow I’ve lost my mind

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell I know, right now you can’t tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see A different side of me

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired I know right now you don’t care

But soon enough you’re gonna think of me And how I used to be

I been talking in my sleep Pretty soon they’ll come to get me

Yeah, they’re taking me away

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell I know, right now you can’t tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see A different side of me

I’m not crazy I’m just a little impaired I know, right now you don’t car

e But soon enough you’re gonna think of me And how I used to be Hey, how I used to be

How I used to be, yeah

Well I’m just a little unwell How I used to be How I used to be

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Oh Heart


Oh tired heart, why do you cry, don’t you know of love.

Heart of mine, you feel you will die, it is the dark of dust that makes it cry.

The dust makes the heart not see. The darkness makes the heart not feel.

Stuck in paralyzing shock.  Coated in its rotting grape soaked lot.

The light will cure the sickly heart. If only it will start.

To feel the warmth of heat from the son of the Love.

Dust and dark  clouds kills the  warm heat, and covers the mind of the heart.

Restless in a desperate search of sleep, only to lay awake in a heap.

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Today is the Day


Today is the day the Lord has made I shall rejoice and be glad in it

My heart is brused and battered right now, but today is the day.

My Soul crys out in pain again, but today is the day.

I see the crushed in spirit die around me, but today is the day.

I feel the crys of the land as the blood sinks in, but today is the day.

The cloud of darkness draws near, but today is the day.

I prostate to pray, and today is the day.

The sun rises in its warning blaze of red glory, but today is the day.

And it sets with no fan fair, no light, story,  but today is the day.

The prince of darkness tries to mess with us here, but today is the day.

I am afraid and scared my heart shrinks away, but today is the day.

Today is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and come sit at the feet of God.

Today is the day the Lord has made, out of Love and Grace.

So I hide in the love that the Lord has made upon this day.

In the light of things I do know or understand, but know as truth.

For this is the day that the Lord has made, and I will rejoice and be Glad in it.

 

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The Butt of the joke


May – and the days fly by.

The days are rainy but warm.  Especially in the evenings.   I don’t mind.  I actually sleep better if I am listening to the rain as I drift off.    Sleep has been weird lately.  I don’t seem to really have a solid sleep.  Unless I drink way to much but that isn’t real sleep either.  Lately, however, I wake up often and then drift off into dreams.  The dreams seem real.  I dream about work, friends, home life.  I dream about all kinds of things and then when I am at work or else where I sometimes become confused because I am not sure if what I am remembering is part of a dream or part of reality. 

I am feeling a little paranoid these days, unsure of myself.  I write everything down to try to keep things straight, to the point of making my journal more of a record of my day, rather than a comment on life or conversations with God.  I can’t say I feel depressed but I do feel like I want to cry sometimes.  The feeling arrives but never carries through.  I am constantly hugging either my children or my husband.  It was a good thing it was my anniversary other wise my hubby  would have wondered what was up.  

I was off to the doctor this week, and got a mild “oh well the hormone patch didn’t seem to do anything, here is a 5 month supply your other meds, see you then.”   What else can she do?  The patch did nothing but add on 15lbs and cause me to go shopping for bigger fat pants (for you men out there all women have fat pants). So I muster up the energy to workout, and try not to drink a lot, to get my butt under control.  Working out doing ok, not drinking not so good.  Or really good depending how you look at things. The LCBO is doing a booming business.

I can say that I have been leaning on God more.  I have been wanting to hide more.  I want to stay home and hide with my computer a glass of wine and my big fuzzy slippers.  I made myself spend most of Sunday outside getting some gardening done.  That accomplished a lot of good stuff so I am happy about how the gardens look.  I have been gardening at the church too so I can keep myself busy and away from my pillow.  I keep fighting I am not wore out but tired.  I am taking a mental health day on Friday.  Just to have the house to myself would be nice. 

God on the other hand has been close at hand and I can feel him.  He has been revealing secrets to me as I have been preparing to lead the bible study I am attending.  I am looking through foggy glasses but he is showing me stuff.

So I continue on another week plugging along. till next time……………………

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Plastering a Cracking wall, trying to hold it together


Another weekend gone.  I have no idea where the time goes.  Whew, they keep flying by I have two months of work left and then I am done for the summer.   A busy weekend.  I managed to go out with some friends on the weekend and enjoy some social time.  It was nice.  I really wanted to hibernate at home, but sometimes you just have to get out there and be among people.  In the end it was good for me, like exercise you don’t want to, but it is good for you.  I am off my hormone drug for the next three weeks.  I have been on them for about 9 weeks now and the only thing it did for me was increase the size of my butt.  So now I have gone from 10 lbs underweight to 20 over weight, dam there is no happy medium in this thing.

I know I have said this before, and maybe this is the OCD in me talking but I am a go getter I do a lot for, and with my kids and husband and I can’t seem to get my act together.  An example, my husband says a week ago “ you know we should change the bed sheets.”  “Ok I will do that tonight.”  He says “fine” he is working late that night no worries, I can do this nothing else going on that night.  I make lunches, supper, clean up, and some how the rest of the evening passes I totally forget.  Two days go by ”oh dear, honey I forgot the sheets Ill to it when I finish making lunches” .  He is cleaning up supper and doing dishes.  Two more days go by, I’m heading to bed, Sh** still forgot to do the sheets, already in bed – not getting up now. Tomorrow.  Saturday I get up have coffee doing them right now, hubby and I take off sheets he takes them to the laundry tosses them in.  I get another set of sheets.  Start to make bed. Go down stairs part way through to do get something,  get distracted.  This happens all day Sat, I finally get it made when I headed to bed that night.  Sounds like real life right, however I left 1/2 done jobs all over the house that day cause I couldn’t follow through on what I was doing. 

 I would head up stairs to get something I needed to finish something down stairs realize bed not made, start on it and try to get it done.  Then after a few minutes realize Oh I was getting this thing for down stairs grab it go down stairs, stop in kitchen for a drink of water forget where I am going clean off the counter.  Remember to go down stairs, go there remember what I am doing, forgot the thing I needed up stairs.  Go back to bedroom, crap not here, stuff a pillow in case, Oh ya in kitchen go to kitchen find it Oh ya doing stuff down stairs.  Ugggg.  That is how the day was.  I’m thinking this is nuts what the heck is wrong with my brain that I can’t follow through.  Then I get mad and then I get depressed cause my head is wack.  Vicious circle.

When my kids were babies, they would nap for an hour or two during the day.  I could move mountains in that time.  I was always proud of the things I could do in an hour.  Now my mind is mud. Thank God for the calendar on my blackberry cause I would forget everything.  All my work stuff, all my family stuff, everything is in there if I lost it,  I think I would jump off a bridge.  (not really– but it would be close) 

So here I sit on a Monday morning wondering.  Wondering about so many things where do I start. 

Is this what getting older is about! I still have at least 20 years working years I’m not that old!

Is this apart of depression a robbing of your capabilities?

Is this what happens to your mind with this illness, is it normal?

Is this the drugs?

Is my mind ever going to go back to what it once was?

Is this God’s punishment?

Is this allowed to happen to me from God to teach me humility?  Because this has been a drastic lesson but I learned it!

Is this happening to me because of my pride and lack of tenderness towards others?

Is this me just whining and I should be thankful and shut up and get on with it?

Is the depth of my heart-break and suffering ever going to end or be fixed?

This is a life changing illness, like any illness, but will I ever be able to trust my mind.  Does the cancer victim ever trust its body again?

On the flip side.  My relationship with and my trust in God, my relationship with my husband and kids, my relationship  my best friends have reached to a much deeper level than I could every imagine. So good does come out of bad

But here is a question:  If God had given me the chance to refuse this illness two years ago when this all started, knowing what I know now, would I have?………………………………………..till next time

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Back against a Crumbling wall


April 24  —  where oh where did the month of April go, oh where or where can it be!  I have no idea where this month went– I know it passed by and I was there watching it go but I don’t know how it passed so fast.  May around the corner and soon to come my anniversary.  May 4 will be 21 years of wedded bliss to a wonderful man.  The 21 years have not been problem free – along with a beautiful rose you do get thorns, but the blessing in a marriage is the ability to break off the thorns and heal the wounds together.  My Hubby has been very supportive and I am blessed for him, he says he is blessed to have me. 

I am not sure what is happening lately.  I have been feeling kinda weird.  Not up and down, just a consistent low.  I can’t say I am depressed but I can’t say I am up.  I have been under a lot of stress lately and there seems to me a great need for people to be supported here at work and they all seem to gravitate to me.   They need someone to talk to, or help them sort stuff.   I try my best to help them.  So what do I do I apply for a new position ( a lot more responsibility) at another school and wonder what the heck am I doing.  This new position is something I have done in the past but it would be a steep learning curve at a new school and lately I feel  I am barely getting by.  

I always seem to be putting out a fire somewhere, here at work, at home with one of the kids.  I guess I am feeling overwhelmed.  I think some of this has to do with the drugs and my mind.  I can’t seem to multi task like before.  I can only do one thing at a time or my concentration is zapped.  I guess what I am really worried about is that I am losing my mind and it is rebelling against me and how I normally operate.  I have always been able to handle lots of balls in the air, never exhausted me or bothered me and today I can’t do anything.  Even making supper and talking at the same time, I forget what I am doing what I am going for, or what we were talking about.  I drive with my son everyday to work and we talk on the way and he is always saying how he hates it when I leave him hanging in the middle of a sentence when I turn my complete attention to driving.  I have no fear of driving but some days it takes a lot of concentration for me, which makes me angry cause I love to turn up the tunes and drive.   I know that I have not been helping myself.  I have been drinking too much wine, but I have been eating better and trying to exercise when I have the time.  I have been doing more yoga to help me relax.  I know the wine is knee jerk reaction to being anxious– and it taste so good too. I will try to deal with that later in the mean time I am working on sleeping, food and exercise.

I well be back to the doctor again soon and I need to know it this is a side effect of the drugs or what is it.   So if I repeat what I said in the last blog it’s because I really can’t remember what I wrote last time.  And sitting here right now – I know it was about teaching the phyed class, but without going back to look I can’t remember if I talked about this last time.

So for today, it is frustration, and fear that my mind it so jumbled it won’t straighten back out.  I know this is a moment in time and I have no idea what the future will bring and God tells us why worry about tomorrow.  I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, I am trying to sort out if it is my weight or anothers weight.    So I sit here today trying to remind myself that God is in control, especially when I am out of control, and that his yoke is easy.

Dear Lord help me this day to avoid the things that are not of you.  Help me to fight against dependency on the things that hurt me and create a desire in me to do the things that help me.  I put this all into your hands my God my Father and Saviour.  Amen…………………………

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Hanging on a limb


I put myself on a limb this week.  I was asked to speak to the Grade 12 girls phyed class at the school I work for, about depression and suicide.  I prepared my lesson, made my notes on the myths of depression and the realities of the illness.  Talked about the stigma of it, dealing with the doctors and medication and how your mind tricks and misleads you.   I was all prepared to talk about it in 3rd person.  I did not want to admit that I suffered from this.  I didn’t want to acknowledge that there are times; like this week, I feel sad, and uncontrollable, and prone to substance abuse– in this case red wine abuse.  The thought of how do I do this and admit my issues and receive their respect, or take me seriously crossed my mind.

As I started the class I went over myths and facts of depression and mental illness.  As we discussed this I looked at them and realized that if I did not admit this instead of bluffed my way through as a friend of a depressed person they would soon see through it and disregard anything I had to say.  I came clean and admitted what I had been through they hung on every word and had a great class.  I even got some good feed back from the students and they took what I had to say to heart and at one point was asked if my faith was damaged by my illness, and as I explained that I was confused about my faith in the beginning cause I didn’t know if it was a crisis of faith or depression I got the chance to tell the girls what I believe in and why my Lord is important to me.

In the end it was a good experience, I can’t tell you how exposed I felt doing it, and even now as we pass each other in the halls I still feel exposed but they smile and wave, but I didn’t want to bull sh**  the girls I wanted them to get something out of the experience and they did, so win win.

How am I today- well I am pleased that I got to express my faith to the class,  I am happy with what they want to do with their knowledge and how they are watching out for their friends and family.  I am still feeling a little shaky the end of this week but some self discipline and sleep will probably help.  Maybe some exercise too…………………….till next time.