Well here we are 2012. I am having a tough time writing 2012 it looks wrong to me and I know it’s just new, and me but it makes me giggle. I have been doing ok, feeling ok, I have had a couple of gut reactions to things this week. I have wanted to pull back and not respond to people or friends but I have been making me interact. I keep reminding myself of my vacation and the peace I felt and the wonderful time I had with my husband and my wonderful children. Believe it or not I have gained all the weight I lost, plus a couple of pounds and I have some Christmas weight to lose. I am doing well trying to get back to routine and I have been exercising too so I am good. Mostly.
I have a friend who is in the hospital tonight I want to talk about. She is also suffering from depression and maybe bipolar. They haven’t finished making that final diagnosis. It makes my heart sad to see her in such pain. She has been suffering for a 2 years now. She had a — lets call it a run in with the night nurse, and she ended up drugged and strapped to her bed last night. She has a mild temperament, as she sobbed to me over the phone and told me what happened it broke my heart. I felt for her but to be honest I also felt selfish. How far was I from being strapped to a bed? I have in the past year had a break down, been in some dark places. Here is the rub of it all and maybe this is what bothers me the most. When I realized I was suffering from depression I was so freaked out because I thought people would think badly of me and not take me seriously, dismiss me, or think Oh this is just PMS gone crazy– what ever!!!! Again I say how far was I from being strapped to a bed like a criminal. If you suffer from depression you know there are people I can not tell I am suffering from this illness and that is what it is an illness. I can not help! As much as my best friend assures me that I am ok and it is not my fault, I am afraid, and here is where the paranoia sets in. There are promotions coming up at work- if they knew I was on anti-depressant, would they consider me- I am suffering from menopause depression. I play in a band, work, take care of my family, cook, clean, exercise, volunteer. I do so much well should I be rejected as a member of society, rejected as a candidate for promotion at my work because I am on anti-depressant and therefore psycho!! This is the fear I have been fighting. This is the reason I have not told some of my family what I am going through, this is why I haven’t told my in-laws and as a result put up with countless personal attacks on me for being difficult when I was really deeply depressed and could not respond in a way they wanted and they verbally trashed me in front of my kids and me. This is the real reason I ran away this Christmas to avoid the ghosts of Christmas past cause I could not cope with the family, the events and the stigma that goes with depression.
Tonight I am angry and unsettled because I am disappointed that I am one of those statistics – the what ever the percentage of adult that suffer from depression and are made fun of on commercials, sitcoms, and life. It takes the fight out of me to fight the darkness and gives it reason to take over and end the suffering I have endured. That is angry talk. That is passionate talk. That is desperation talk.
That is the world’s talk. What is God‘s talk? He thought of me before he created the world. He loving knitted me in my Mother’s womb. God is Love and I know I am his child and so are all of us and so is my friend in the mental ward. God will take care of my enemies and place them under my feet. its just that this world makes me angry sometimes. I must trust in the Lord and remember he takes care of the broken hearted and uses the weak to increase the Gospel to the ends of the world. Amen. It doesn’t mean I can’t be angry at the world!