730 Days

730 days, I have been thinking your name.

There is a dark spot on my heart.

A sadness that will never go away

We miss you each and every day,

since you threw a life away,

stuck in the darkness of the grave.

I understand the lonely road you walked

In silence you fought.

The pain so deep, so hard,  you could not escape.

I’m sorry that rainy day, I didn’t stop and stay.

I’m sorry I didn’t take the time, to talk and listen by your side.

How alone you must have been, with no friend.

I once passed you by – I didn’t know you would be soon out of time.

I see you in my dreams in that chair, with your book, and that look.

I didn’t know you were walking a line .

I passed you by.

Working on it.

Its been a busy week — into lots of new things at work I have never done before, its been exciting and I am loving my job.  The kids have been good, my husband too, I can’t say anything has been wrong.  Working at work — working at home, putting patio furniture away and cleaning leaves the usual fall stuff.  Last Saturday was a sunny 10 degree Celsius day and I worked outside all day long.  The sun lifted my spirits so high, it was unbelievable.  This week we had a few dark days like today but Tuesday was a sunny day and I went to our public library which has a huge bank of chairs facing a west window.  I sat there like a cat in the sun.  Soaking up the sun and the view and the moment.  I don’t know why but I have been very sensitive to the sun these days.  My skin is a mess right now.  I have psoriasis and photo therapy is the best thing for it.  My dermatologist says no sun screen and in the sun for as often as I can (of the effective areas) I go to a tanning bed in the winter – so bad for you yes ( I throw a towel over my face and chest) but for my legs and arms I need it.   I wrote a while ago about how my pastor was praying for those who suffer from seasonal disorder syndrome.  Lack of Sun.   I had made the connection that hey you know what ! that is me.  But I sorta half believed it.  But after Sat in the sun all day and how lifted, on top of the world I felt.  It is very real to me that lack of sun has a very huge effect on me.   I have always loved the sun so truly it’s not that new of  a thing.  But the way the lack of sun has effected me — well its understandable but a small part of me is like ” great something else”   to know and understand is more important to me than adding something else to my list of ailments.

A friend of mine puts a bible passage on Facebook every morning and sometimes I swear he is creeping me, or reading my mind.  The one morning he wrote ” God is spirit , and those who worship him must worship in spirit and in truth”  As I meditated on this God very clearly spoke to me and said “I will fill your spirit,  trust me” A sence of peace fell upon me when I told God I will trust him.  But at the same time I could feel that old familure struggle inside.  I have been trying very hard for the past few days to feel positive.  I am not in a depressed hole, but I am resisting the temptation of darkness.  I have spent a lot of time meditating with music – praising God — I have spent time when I wanted to sit and hide, to put myself out there.  When God spoke to me that morning I had the feeling that I wanted to take my anxiety drugs and curl in a ball and hide.  To hide is a great temptation.  To pull away and not be with people pulls at you when you are not 100 percent.  And how easy is that to do.  Everyone is busy, shut off the phone and crawl in a hole and think this will be rest.  It is anything but rest.  It is a hole of hell, screaming voices and attacks on your soul — the devil trying to undermine everything you have ever thought and felt.   When I read in the bible about the 40 days that Jesus spent in the desert being tempted by the devil – I wonder if this is what it was like.  When I read these words I can almost hear him. Using the bible words to twist them into worship for himself.  Being sly and clever to throw Jesus off guard to trip him up.  I trip over my own feet, without much effort by the devil. There was a time that I felt I could stand on my own two feet, solidly.  I will admit as things have progressed this week and I try to keep myself on track– (please note the phrasing of that last line– try to me MY self on track)  The more I concentrated on Gods words and Gods spirit within me.  The more I was able to pull away from wanting to hide in darkness and hide in the light in the softness of Jesus’ own lap as a child of God.   I wonder if Jesus got tired of the fight against the devil.  The fight against depression wears me out, sometimes.

The other verses my friend wrote this week Bear one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ–Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding—-

Think God is trying to tell me something???? For my own mind or understanding is not normal,  My own mind or understanding is compromised  who’s understanding can I really trust? Why not the creator of everything.


Till next time………………..

November 1

Suffering today — and its self inflected too… Its not what you think — I haven’t been drinking or such –I just  too many chocolate covered peanuts.  Halloween.  I love chocolate and nuts, yum yum and I have no control or limits for them and of course I usually don’t eat sugar so I have a sugar rush.  Oh there could be worse things.

I have been doing well this week except for the chocolate over indulgence.  I had a doctor’s apt yesterday which followed up on one previously.  My doctor feels that my diagnose is not correct and wants me to go to for a consultation and diagnose.  First off there is no such thing in mental illness as a consultation, it really is consultations, plural.  I had a chance to think about it read a lot of information and make a decision.  My Doctor feels that I suffer from Major Depression with psychosis.  She is not qualified to make this diagnosis,  so thus the referral.   I refused.  She tried to talk me into it.  I still refused– it’s the first time her and I have ever stalemated over something before.    Am I better, am I cured…. no.   I am just done with the doctor appointments,  maybe that is the wrong attitude,  I do know.  If you are a follower of my blogs,  you know,  that I do have times when I am in trouble and times when I need people to be close me.   However, I am not willing to change drugs anymore.  I am hanging in as is for the next few months till June. Depending on what is what, by then I may start to decrees and go off the drugs.  It will be almost 3 years of drugs- $1450.00 per year.   The adjustment period is so hard when changing antidepressants.  I do not want to fool with them.  I would rather struggle with the darkness than go through the horrible experience of changing or adjusting drugs.

For today — cause it’s a good week– I feel that I am coming more comfortable with my illness.  I still have issues with the “illness” word    It’s the pity in other people’s eyes or the challenging look that tells you to snap out of it and be happy, that bothers me more.  Personally in my heart I am feeling more comfortable and isn’t that half the battle with any illness.

As I said I am good.  I have been spending a lot of time with God reading and meditating.  God has been talking to me through those around me and I feel at peace – its nice to be at peace.  My friend wrote on face book  “beloved, do not believe every spirit but test the spirits whether they are from God ,”  It struck a deep chord with me.  If you suffer from depression or know of someone,  you know of the dark spirits that are around you.  They are knowledgable of God and his words and can twist them like a piece of wet wood in the sun.  The  less aggressive spirits that sound like God,  but are not – they are sly and sneaky in how they approach you.   It all comes down to two things, the peace factor, and the truth factor.  If you have peace and it stands up to the truths of the bible its is a true spirit of the Almighty God.   It is that peace that I have been bubbled in these days.

I have been trying to use a new thought process to cope with things.  I have been trying to not control myself.  I know this sounds weird because its is the lack of control that is taking over my life.  I have been spending alot of time reading the Sermon on the Mount.  Its starts with Blessed is the Poor, and those who mourn, persicuted etc etc.  I am not going to repeat it if you want to know more read Mathew 5.  As I spent time concentrating on these passages it is those who are down and out. It is about people losing, lost, giving away.  It is about not having-and God giving.  God has shown me how through this illness I have been poor in my mind, through this illness I have mourned what I used to have.  I have mourned my stable mind. I have mourned my own determination to handle things.  I have mourned my control over my thoughts, where I go, how I feel,  what I do.  This illness has taken a lot of that from me.  God has been there backing me up.  God has shown me through my weakness how I can be strong through him.  Through my mourning he brought me tears of joy as he fills me with his peace and strengthened our relationship.  God has shown me that through  the loss of control that I gain his control.  The lost is found, the weary – rest, the hungry are fed.

These are my thoughts this week …next week I could be in a bad place, who knows one step at a time

till next time……………………….