70 X 7


Family can stress the heck out of you.  I am sorry but I just have to vent this.  I try to do so much for my family.  My brother is blind and I try to make up the difference.  If I can’t do i,t my Mom does, or my husband does.  Lately my brother has been a total ass, for lack of a better word.  My Mom has no one to help her — it’s all me.  One brother is blind, one doesn’t talk to her ( another long stupid story ) So it’s up to me. When she moved off the farm it was me, who lugged everything off the farm — spent most of the summer at either the Stratford or Mitchell dump.  I did it all.  I am not looking for pity or am I whining,  I would gladly do anything for my Mom.  I love her to pieces.  But I can not stand the treatment from my brother I have had lately.  One doesn’t talk to me, and today I wish the other one would not either.

What ever happened to common curtsey.  What ever happened to getting along, and mellowing out as you get older.  What ever happened to families helping each other out and being there for one another.  Brothers in my family the older they get the crankier they get and it just infuriates me.

The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant  Matthew 18 21-22

21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seven times seventy.[a]

Today I feel like I am at 80 X 7 . I feel like all I do is forgive my family.  I guess my pride wants some recognition that I have been done wrong.  That I am hurt, and they did it and not that they will think they are wrong.

Family — it can drive you insane– which is funny when you think about it– as this is a blog about depression…. really it is kinda—-

I am just hurt, and angry and I know I will have to forgive– I am just not ready yet.

till next time………………

Sleeping Beauty


January two more official vacation days and  a weekend till I go back to work.  Its 10:27  am on Thursday, I just got out of bed— I went to bed at 11pm.  I have been sleeping so much the past two weeks.  I have been averaging 10 hours a night, plus a nap.  I have never slept that much before.  Its kinda weird.  I guess I needed it but I usually don’t sleep that much.  Depression usually disrupts my sleep patterns.  Last week was solid sleeps, this week a little more up and down but still getting sleep.  I have been suffering with night sweats, which means I get up once a night change my jammies, have some water go back to bed. I have had a cold, I have been coughing some times at night, so this week I have not had a solid sleep but still getting lots of sleep.

I am still feeling good.  I can’t say normal– but to be honest I am not sure I remember what normal is anymore, but I feel more even, right now.  I have no energy.  I must admit I have only worked out once in the past week and a half.  It was a good one but kinda sad.  Christmas is hard on the waist line, so working out is a must, but I will make up for it when I get back into routine.  I am not beating myself up, just a comment.  I figure if I am sleeping so much then that is more important than working out.

My husband is bored with hanging around home – I am fine with it – I like to be home.  Sometimes too much it becomes my hide out.  It’s just nice to hang out with the kids and hubby and watch a movie or two and read.   After a couple more days my son will be back to school and I am not sure when I will see him next – maybe reading week, or Easter.  I will miss him so much, it will be hard.  My daughter has one more month at her old highschool till she switches to her new highschool.  She is flexing into the school I work at!  She said she would never do that, but her school is proving not to be a good fit for her so she will spend her last year and half at my school to pick up grades and get ready for post secondary education.  I am sure this will not be stressful.  (small bit of humour)  2013 should be an interesting year.

till next time………

Boxing day, no one got hurt


Boxing day is over and that was the day that I had my husbands and my extended families over.  It was the most stressful day of the whole Christmas season.  Both sides of the family were fussing coming up to this day and I was very angry with the family and how they were acting.  I was ready to call the whole thing off but we proceeded and to be honest the whole thing went great.  At least the day was great.  I woke up peaceful that morning and really didn’t feel stressed out.  We did our cleaning of the house and got ourselves ready and I just started to cook and prepare food one thing at a time.  I just puttzed along and had a sip of tea, then water worked my way up to a glass of wine it was really good.  No sitdown dinner – I asked everyone to come and party.  We asked for no presents just come over and have some fun it seemed to work, everyone seem to be in a good mood and enjoyed

Later my husband and I sat back and looked over our Christmas break, it was a good one.  We got to spend some quality time with our kids.  We got to spend some time together, we got to connect with friends.  We spent some time at church and enjoy our favorate services.  Family during the break were ok and I did enjoy it.

I think the reason I enjoyed it so much was I managed to give over the control to God.  I was so confused before Christmas.  Its funny now that I think about it from this point in time.  Before Christmas I was despeate and confused I wanted to understand and if I understood, I could fight the hurt that I felt in my heart.  It was clinched so tight and I was so wound up and in a panic.  When I sat down with my pastor and was expressing my confusion, I couldn’t put it into words as to what my confusion was over.  Sounds like panic over nothing–but in my mind and in my heart and the physical responses I was confused.  The devil is a master of it.  When my pastor told me that he summed up my confusion over trust and I should  allow God to take over, I felt like I had a ah ha moment.  You know one of those moments when you hit yourself in the forhead with the palm of your hand.  The darkness had me so confused that I only knew I had to be incontrol and when I could solve the mystery and understand the bible verse and set myself free from the confusion.  I was trying so hard to trust in me to try to make my mind make sence, to try to control my ups and down I couldn’t do it.  Pastor said trust in God just Trust in him.  Don’t try to control the things you can’t and give it to God.  I went home and thought it over meditated on it, I could feel the release.  I held to my convictions to give it to God  I spoke my beliefs in church in prayers at home, and even though I was still going up and down as I finished the week I was starting to feel better.

I also started to take more of one of my medications and I think that helped too.

So today I feel ok, made it through Christmas and I am starting to feel a little better – No ghosts following me this year — confusion– the devil is good at that, but God’s love is always with me.  you just have to let it go, and give it to him.

 

till next time