In the Pen

I was once told that I was not the lost sheep but in the pen, because I recognize God as God and Jesus as the son of God.  I can never be snatched out of his hand.  I had said in a previous blog, that I have been feeling really good and like I have made progress.  I feel protected.

Today I feel a little dip, its been coming on now for a couple of days.  I feel like I need a hug or a good cry or something.  I am not interested in going out.  I just want to stay home and nap.  Last night everyone seemed to be jumping on my nerves, I felt angry, but tried not to show it.  I may have snapped at a person or two.  Along with this goes lack of sleep I haven’t been sleeping this week so I tried sleeping pills, mild ones — did nothing  😦

So am I giving in? Am I falling out of the pen? Crawling over the wall?   No I am none of those things.  I am just feeling a little out of sorts.  I still feel protected I’m just out of sorts.

One lie that was brought to mind as I lay awake last night, Depression is a sin.  The devil and his lies!  I have to admit as I lay there I thought   ‘is it?’  a split second later I replied to myself – No it’s not, it’s a medical condition, devil get behind me.   I am not going to fall for the lies.  I think I am getting better at spotting them and with God’s help be protected from them. 

I am trying to separate two things. What I feel to what I think.  This sounds strange I know.  I am refusing to think about this sadness that is creeping along, I am feeling it but I am trying not to think about it.  Its like sadness of someone close to you that has died, you feel the sadness but you try to not think about the death or what has happened to them.   I keep telling myself  I am protected, but sad, sad does not mean break down, just sad – face value, no thinking.

Today so far it is ok, I am not thinking about tomorrow.  Only today for I will not load my mind with more.  I am putting up a wall I am trying to restrict myself to only today thinking any events for the future I am blocking.  Today I block, I finish work, this aft I work out, eat some supper,  tonight I sleep.  My only agenda, for today.

till next time………….



Formless, hard, so rough  the edges.

Around and round in this world I go.

The pain of it as the hard it formed.

I fall, the rough edges break, I crack, the pain goes on.

How can there be so much pain in this go around?

Around confused, lost, hurt, I don’t know where I am

Relentless the rough edges  worked.

 A form appears.

The hard is moved, the cracked is fixed.

The edges made smooth.

The rough that made the pain,

lovingly makes me smooth.

The fall picked up and created.

Around on the potter’s wheel,

around to smooth creation

Made in the loving hands of God.

He has Risen in Deed

Easter has come and gone– time is flying on, except that Spring didn’t get the memo and it is still really cold in Ontario.  How I long for spring and warmer days.  Soon, it will come I am sure, in the mean time the birds have returned and are singing every morning and it is wonderful to wake up to them.   Easter was great, I felt good and spent some time with my Mom and some time with my husband’s Mom and husband and had our friends over, Easter dinner was a blast.

I called my Doctor today still haven’t heard about my psyc. assessment, called the hospital and they will fax it this week.  Its been over 2 months if I was suicidal I would be dead by now.  I am curious as to what the Doctor has to say, and I am on hold till I hear from her to see what drug decisions I need to make.  So we wait.

I have been feeling good, as I said, I feel like Jesus has calmed the waters of this storm. It has been peaceful and empowering. Maybe some of this has to do with the acceptance of depression.  Maybe the peace is a result of the process of Lent, an affirmation of God‘s Holiness and giving it defilement. Maybe I’m just on an up swing.  What ever is happening I am feeling stronger – this week.

I was listening to a sermon over easter and one of the lines that came out of it that stuck with me was what the devil said to Adam and  Eve to create the fall of man and this ties in with the death of Jesus, to right, Eve and Adam’s wrong.  Adam and Eve created by God were told not to eat from the tree of Good and Evil or they would die. The serpant, who was the devil said to Eve ‘surly you will not die’ or in other words: Gods words are not truth. He planted the seed of doubt. Second lie ‘eat and you will be like God knowing good and evil.’ or you know better what is good for you, take control, power over yourself ‘ I was astonished.  These words were spoken apx 4000 years ago, and they are the same words that the devil has whispered to me.  In my most confused states the devil has whispered the bible is not truth, God would not allow you to hurt so much if he were true.  Or come and rest with me you will not get peace in the light, hide in the dark, who will see you, take control and do not rely on God to find your rest, he afflicted you.  It is the same words he implied in the temptation of JesusDevil “make the rocks become bread” or take control of your situation why suffer.  Second temptation “I will give you the world….worship me” or come to me and get what God can’t give you- putting limits on God.  Third temptation was to prove who Jesus was and test God in to looking after him on the spot.  Or what the devil has said to me, God does not care for you – you are the lost sheep and he is not looking for you.  Mean while I was always in God’s pen I just needed to open my eyes and see it.

I have always  read Genesis and thought ‘I can’t believe that Adam and Eve fell for it’ how could they be so deceived, especially since they had walked with God in the garden of Eden? But I fell for it, and long before I suffered from depression.  Being in a depressed state, I have become more sensitive and  heard the voice louder, telling me in the same words.  ‘Surely you will not die, be in control, go to the darkness and be godlike and find peace.’  What I found was not peace, but torment.  What I found was not the love of God but hate of myself, my life, my being. The dark is torment hate, and everything God is not, but the devil wants to decive you but he can never snach you out of God’s hand if you believe

As I said in the previous blog. When Peter walked on water he quickly looked at the storm and the darkness below him instead of focusing on Jesus. When my mind gets confused and I can’t make sence of right and wrong you feel only the dark, the coldness of the water coming over the bow  of your boat. The emptyness as you feel you are the only person in the boat. Jesus doesn’t seem to be there, you are fightened of being sucked into the abiyss.  You are desperate, panicked in the darkness.  I have not felt that way over the last couple of weeks.  I feel as if I have a barrier up and the storm is far away, a distant memory.  I have put God in the right place of my mind, Divine and Holy. There has been a change over this Lent season, I am not sure of all the ramifications of it or can put a name or pin point a time or place of it,  I just know I am in a far different place than I have ever been before.  Praise God.

Till next time……………….