I am reading Absolute Surrender by Andrew Murray, written late 1895, I came to this paragraph on encouragement to surrender ourselves to God.

“Oh, I want to encourage you, and I want you to cast away every fear. Come with that feeble desire; and if there is the fear which says:”Oh, my desire is not strong enough, I am not willing for everything that may come, I do not feel bold enough to say I can conquer everything”– I pray you, learn to know and trust your God now. Say:”My God, I am willing that Thou shouldst make me willing.” If there is anything holding you back, or any sacrifice you are afraid of making, come to God now, and prove how gracious your God is, and be not afraid that He will command from you what He will not bestow.”

Hard words to hear, it’s not that I do not disagree with them or dispute them, it is not that I do not want to surrender but I am stuck.  I am holding onto a part of me that is unsurrenderable. because I do not know who I am, and I do not want to lose the tattered thing I am.  Like a child with a tattered blanket I am holding on, cause to let go means unknown.  There is so much unknown in my heart and soul at this moment- how do you surrender unconditionally.  It does come back to Trust God, and just let go.  There are times when I can do that. There are times when there is no other option.  But there are times like now, my mind is full of smoke and I can not see the truth let alone trust, I do take comfort in the fact that God is forever at my side waiting for me, but there is this thing deep within me that feels threatened and I try to hold it to keep it safe.  Maybe that is it. the fear of losing me- and the panic that the devil puts upon me to keep me off track.  The lack of sleep and the dreams have blinded me, numbed me from truth and thought.

Andrew Murry goes on to say

“Christ Jesus. He lived a life of absolute surrender, He has possession of you; He is living in your heart by His Holy Spirit. You have hindered and hindered Him terribly, but He desires to help you to get hold of Him entirely. And He comes and draws you now by His message and words. Will you not come and trust God to work in you that absolute surrender to Himself?”

Here is the heart of my confusion, the heart of my struggle–If God is that way and when I have surrendered to him, how do I manage the sad, hateful, anger that grows inside of me.  I know that this is totally opposite of God, and I know they are from the devil, but when they take over I feel embarrassed, anger, sad, that I am neither strong enough to resist, or unwilling to let go.  I know when I am at my loneliest I am not the lost sheep but in the pen with my eyes closed unseeing where I am.  But it is the depth of the dark with in that keeps me from seeing the light.

The only thing I can do tonight is to try to surrender myself to peaceful sleep and ask that God protects my dreams from dark.

till next time………..