Breathe


I am coming up for air after a week or so of drowning in the dark mist of the mind.  At least for today that is how I have been feeling the past few days.  Today I feel like the vice on my heart is gone.  Today I feel like I can lift my head.  Today I can feel like I can talk to God.  I have been fighting the past few weeks.  It has been a frantic battle.  Today I feel a little peace and today I feel like I can actually Praise God.  Feel like I have been through a war, and can relax cause the enemy has been pushed back far enough to relax a little.  I can breathe. 

God of course has been talking to me– mind you,  so have the dark voices but today God has made it clear what he wants.  It’s funny how God talks.  For the past weeks I keep coming across the same two bible vs.  God put them in a book I am reading,  God put them in a TV cop drama show,  God put them in last weeks sermon,  God put them in a conversation I had with a friend.   God put them in Facebook.  (who says God doesn’t use multi media – funny) It was then I finally thought OK I will sit down and study this.  I’m a little thick sometimes God has to repeat himself to me.  It was the sermon on the mount that he kept referencing and the camel going through the eye of a needle.  Both, I believe are in Matthew. Both repeated several times.

In particularly God has shown me part of the Sermon on the Mount with the verse Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven, Blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God. 

I have been feeling poor, I have not felt pure in heart. I have felt everything has been taken away from me. My mind, my spirit, my carefreeness, my humour, my memory, my character.  I feel a shell of my former being, an  abandoned  container, empty except for the nasty voices that scream destruction and the soft whisper of my God– when I take my hands off my earsonly then do I hear the whisper. Jesus said those who have ears let them hear.  Today I can listen.  To be poor means to be without, to not have.  My spirit has been poor and when I read this vs and thought about it,  I saw my heart, dark and small with me crouched over it,  trying,  with all my might to protect it from the dark dirty place I was.  God showed me I needed to stand up and open my eyes and ears and arms upwards.  He gently urged me and as I did the light from above came down and the light showed not a dirty dead-end ally,  but a clean, warm room.   My spirit is not something I can possess or fix or do anything with to be honest.  God is the keeper of the spirit I just need to open the door and see and hear.  Jesus said “whoever keeps my commands will be great in the kingdom of heaven. ”  Those who are pure in heart.  Who can be pure– no one.  Again God is the keeper of pure.  Jesus is the gate.  If I allow God Jesus and the Spirit access to my heart they can clean me to be pure.  Through Jesus and the Spirit I can come close to God. The more I pondered this the more I could feel my body relax.  You have heard the phrase hold on to the seat of your pants—I have been gripping my heart so hard to protect it from the darkness and the harassment it has been given in the past few weeks that I was suffocating it.  My arms felt drained. I feel like I have been running for the past week or so.  Depression is physical.  I have come to realize it more and more.  My body hurts for no reason some times.  I get headaches,  I get dizzy sometimes.  I can’t hold things sometimes.  These are the things I hate for the make me feel less than I am.  But Jesus says all things can be gained through him.  That is not an answer to a wish list.  God has, dare I say today made me understand that—-this illness is a blessing — for if my mind had not gone crazy I don’t think I could have comprehended how much I need and how much I understand about the Kingdom of God.  Through the desperate times God has shown me so much for me to understand, there is no way my faith and trust of God could be so great otherwise.   This freedom is available through Jesus and yet are not us humans like stupid sheep.  We forget where we are and what is good.  Sheep wander behind what ever is in the lead,  are we not just like that?  Following fads, trends, electronics, must haves of this world.  We remember the worst things.  We do not forgive the most important things.  We forget the most important words from God that would set us free.  We panic when we should remember to pray and give it to God for we are not in control.  The mind is a funny thing it comprehends so much but knows so little. 

A week ago I said to my best friend I feel like God is punishing me — but I also know he is not, it just feels that way sometimes.  My friend who I love so much reminded me he is not, but to think of him as my Father.  She was right. It is through being poor we learn to be rich. It is being poor we appreciate the sacrifice God has given us-to bring us closer.  It is through being poor that we receive and understand all the things that Jesus is telling us in the Sermon on the Mount.  I believe that is why that is at the first of the sermon – to be poor sets up to hear the rest of it.   At that time it was was backward thinking for the people sitting on that mountain listening – they wanted a physical victory over oppression of the time.  But Jesus talked of a victory over a spiritual battle.  The demons he fought then are as real now.  They do stock you and I have become very sensitive to them as this illness has progressed.  These are the things God has talked to me about.

As I sit in this light — I am off to the Doctor next week.  She is sending me to be for an assessment.  She has diagnosed me with depression, she suspect major depression psychosis.  The depression episodes I suffer from are not being treated effectively by antidepressants I am taking,  so its been 9 months of the same pills so she is sending me to an expert and evaluation.  (the diagnoses can make you depressed)  I will know more next week.

In the mean time I look forward to a Sunday service where I can lift my hands and praise the Lord.

till next time………………………..

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Feeling stupid


Having an argument with myself yesterday.   Iwas feeling down and out of sorts.  I am trying to move forward. I am trying to ignore the chemically manufactured voices i was hearing.  That had been slowly getting louder this past week.  Reading this makes me sound certifyable.

I feel exhausted today.  I hurt like I have had a wicked work out yesterday – and I did not- its been a couple of days since I did a good work out.  That is tonights plan- maybe.  Depression is a full body work out.  It effects the brain the body and all the rest of it.   How is my mind today.  It is better I am still a little off – I am more angry with myself for some late night texting to a friend.  One of my rules is when I am out of sorts I do not text at night.  The problem is I don’t remember stuff.  I  woke up and realized that I had text my friend and for the life of me I could not remember what I said.  So you can imagion how frightening it is to read your texts from the night before and wonder what the heck I said now! 

On the other hand – I am lucky to have friends that care. 

Oh Lord help me cope, help me to relax and not panic, help me to hear your voice and help me to carry on each day to your Glory.

Amen

till next time………………

Chemically unbalanced


Last evening I watched the you tube video of the BC Girl who had killed herself last week.  I  watched as she poured her heart over my computer and showed the cutting, the heartbreak, and loneliness she felt. I see the unlit eyes in my school, I see the unlit eyes in my mirror.  I feel the brokenheartedness of it all.  How do people get that way? The question I hear asked.  The murmer around.  “Well her family didn’t do enough, her friends abanded her. There were places to go, there were people to see, and things she could have done.”   Her unbalanced chemicals made her unable to rationalize.  Her family reached out. But even then she didn’t want to burden them anymore than she had.  How does one say that?  I would die if my child died at his or her own hands:  But the tunnel, the dark veil that covers the eyes  prevents the truth from coming through. What is the truth? The truth to that girl, was how much she hated herself.  “Others hate her she must have been horrible, how could she love herself, what a mess”   That is a glimpse of the voices that goes on in one’s head. ” I hate myself, I am a mess, there is no white knight to save me, I am not worth saving.”  The pity in the families eyes as they try to deal and cope with their girl who couldn’t deal or cope.  The voice that says “you know why fight? it takes so much strength— just lie down and the fight is over,  just stop the heart and the pain will stop—- is that not where the emotional pain is?  in the heart?   Stop it and it all stops the tears, the pain,the fight,  the shame, everything. Full Stop! ”

This may seem cruel, insensitive. It is anything but that in my mind.  It is a chemically unbalanced mind. It is the truth of what goes through a chemically unbalanced mind it is neither wrong or right inside a mind like this, it just is. 

At the end of the day I sit here empty, cause my mind is unbalanced today.  I neither cry or mourn. I understand the brain of a girl who was too young to know, to alone to move forward, and a soul with out a saviour.   Jesus said in the face of his murderers, “Lord forgive them for they do not know what they are doing” Lord I pray the same prayer for this girl– and sometimes for me

Day After!


I am reading what I wrote over the past day or so — I really do not remember what I wrote.  Some of the words surprise me. I was in a rant of a mood last night.  It is in that state of mind that I do not remember things.  I try never text or email when I am in a mood like that cause I can really embarrase myself.  And I especially stay away from Facebook and my BBM.  I seem to have a bad memory lately.  I do not remember things like last evening when I wrote my last posting on the blog.  Thanksgiving weekend. My great neice broke a glass and I got out the central vac. hose to clean it up.  Instead of putting it away I set it aside in the family room and the next morning I said – Crap I left the hose out what a rotten host I am not to put away my cleaning stuff I can’t believe it.  My Mom clued me in that I left if out after my great neice broke the glass.  I do not for the life of me remember vacumning or the broken glass. 
As a Mom I know Mom’s forget stuff.  But this isn’t forgetting what you went upstairs to get, or forgot an apt. or if my daughter works tonight or tomorrow night.  This is missing time in the middle of an event or day.  Blocks of time I can not recall.  Apparently I forgot that I broke a plastic glass at the last work event.  I would have remembered that one– for sure.
 
It is a side effect.  It doesn’t help that I have a glass of wine or two when I am out or having dinner with family.  It frightens me that I can’t remember. It just adds to the unsettlement
Maybe I should learn to slow down try to relax, I have been feeling uptight lately
 
till next time……………………..

A wondering statement


I am wondering….. what the hell do I do with all this.  In the grand sceam of things, how does mental illness fit in?  The case with mental illness , your grasp of reality is lost.  What is my reality?  Things sometime feel surreal. Is my real world my work, my life, my family. Or is my world my relationship with God. When you are in a state as i am tonight, it is hard to distinguish what is real and what is not.  This is the heart of mental illness.  It is the distinguishment between what is real and what is not real.  Between what you care about and what you don’t.  It is  this hand or the other hand ideas that confuse me.  It is these things that torment me.  I have been storming around the house with a lack of light on my mind.  Its fall of course I am looking for light, so I buy three new lights for the house and buy 100 w bulbs for the other lights in the house.  To read this makes me sound like a lunatic.  But who is to say I am not?  Am I crazy, or neurotic? Am I losing it, or suffering from another ocd issue. Or have I now besides just being depressed and slightly crazy now developed a sensitivity to light?

What is really going on in this discussion with myself……… Its just a night. its just a vent, its just something I am feeling and it is making me angry cause it is another simpton in a long list of things to deal with.  Maybe I just have to except that is just is.

Lord forgive my vent and my unbelief.  lead me and help me…………….

till next time…………….

Crappy


I am having a email discussion with my husband today.  I was telling him that I think its time to pray with our pastor and his wife.  Its been a month or two maybe three since we have done this so we are due.  My husband responds -” I knew there was something wrong – I asked if you were ok and you said yes, but I knew it was something.”

Is there something wrong with me? Well yes I have an illness that takes a lot out of me sometimes and other times I’m fine.  This week I am fighting and I am tired.  I fell into a deep sleep this morning maybe about an hour or two before the alarm went off.  How wonderful it was to sleep that deep how crappy it was to have to wake up.  I am tired now, its only 4pm ( i have been tired all day to be honest)  Its when I am tired that I have the toughest time to feel up.

So the delima.  I feel like crap sometimes.  I don’t want to be around people I don’t want to do anything, I feel angry, alone, sad, the whole gamit, that happens with depression.  So what do I do? “hi honey I feel like crap today” what does that accomplish.  Sometimes I just need to deal and want to be left alone.  That may not be what I am supposed to do.  When you are feeling alone, I guess it is the approach bothers me the most.  I hate to put people out, I hate to admit I need help, I hate to rely on people.  That is my pride, that is my nature.  I have always looked after myself, I look after my children and my husband. Its hard to put that shoe on the other foot.

Maybe this is apart of God‘s plan. Maybe this is his way of teaching me that I need to trust in him and others.  Its a lesson I suck at learning.  I want to be better – there have been some dark places I have been that I have got out of, only by trusting completely in God.

things to think about……………..till next time……………….

Falling in Fall


I have been nagging my husband to death about the lighting in our home.  The bedrooms have no lights in the ceiling, and the family room is the same.  We were at Canadian Tire on Saturday fighting about lights.  He is not destroying the ceiling in the family room for new lights.  He is refusing to put in new lights in his words we don’t need them “why am I being obsessed about it” So we compromised.  I bought 3 standing, up lights and filled the family room with two and one for our bed room.  I also put 100 w light bulbs in them.  It seems to make me feel better that I can see.

At church this morning my pastor was doing the congregation prayers, for those who are ill etc etc…. He said a long prayer about people who suffer from depression, and that they can struggle with seasonal disorders from lack of sun.  I couldn’t believe it.  I have lived in this house for 18 years and I have never been so desperate for light in the house. I have a light in the front room on a timer cause I hate to walk around in a dark house, and in the family room I have white pin lights on a huge fucus tree I have also on a timer.  Up till this year I have never been in a panic about the lighting in the house,  I have never had an issue with this before,  and the more I think about it the more other things make sence.

The first weekend away this summer it was still spring and we went fishing with our best friends.  I was anxious at the beginning of the weekend and I had said several times I was decompressing while we were out and about.  We spent a lot of the days on the boat and I remember breathing deeply and feeling the sun on my face how wonderful it felt.  I have thought about that weekend a lot and wondered why being on the boat and fishing was so wonderful and when I have had  sad times I think about that weekend and how much it ment to me to be there.  I figured that it was because I fished with my Dad and I was remembering being with him. I thought it was because I was away from the kids and it was nice to be away.  I love my best friends so much I figured it was quality time with them.  Or it was all of the above, which I am sure it was too, but maybe it was the sunlight.

This is a double edge sword for me.  I have always loved the sun, and now it seems to be even more important to me.  This is a good realisation and my husband is happy I am not nagging him about the lights anymore, now that I understand why it was bothering me so much.   On the other hand — Great this is something I have to be aware of, another  thing to think about.  Knowledge is power, understanding is enlightening, another thing to think about is stressful.

Some days that is the way it goes

till next time…………………………………..