I am wondering….. what the hell do I do with all this. In the grand sceam of things, how does mental illness fit in? The case with mental illness , your grasp of reality is lost. What is my reality? Things sometime feel surreal. Is my real world my work, my life, my family. Or is my world my relationship with God. When you are in a state as i am tonight, it is hard to distinguish what is real and what is not. This is the heart of mental illness. It is the distinguishment between what is real and what is not real. Between what you care about and what you don’t. It is this hand or the other hand ideas that confuse me. It is these things that torment me. I have been storming around the house with a lack of light on my mind. Its fall of course I am looking for light, so I buy three new lights for the house and buy 100 w bulbs for the other lights in the house. To read this makes me sound like a lunatic. But who is to say I am not? Am I crazy, or neurotic? Am I losing it, or suffering from another ocd issue. Or have I now besides just being depressed and slightly crazy now developed a sensitivity to light?
What is really going on in this discussion with myself……… Its just a night. its just a vent, its just something I am feeling and it is making me angry cause it is another simpton in a long list of things to deal with. Maybe I just have to except that is just is.
Lord forgive my vent and my unbelief. lead me and help me…………….
till next time…………….