The hand of God, unending, boundless, yet unseeing.
The word of God, life, living, true, yet unheard.
The light of God, warm, endless, never-ending, yet unseen.

The hand of God can not be seen when your head is in your hands.
The word of God can not be read if your eyes are closed.
The light of God can not be felt if you hide yourself in the darkness.

Though the world covers our senses and begs us to not see, hear, or feel.
The truth is, God holds us in his hand with tender love.
His word is His truth of his character and love
His light is our shelter, his guide, his love.

So sinner I say to you to not wallow in the darkness of shame, lift your head.
See the love, the light, the truth, and repent, and live the life God wants you.
The darkness is close but fight it with the help of God and hold onto his truths;
not the yelling in your head for the word of God is not shouted to you, but is a gentle whisper.
The light of God does not attack you like the dark, the word of God does not taunt.
But when you bath in the light of truth the peace of God comes and crowds out the dark, the rude, the hatred. Run away in the light, and hide in plan sight, for the darkness hides from the light, and cowers to the truth.

till next time………….

Back from Camping it was a good get away, lots of activity and kayaking, hiking. Emotionally, I only had one night I was slipping and my Husband was on me like you would not have believed, he has good intentions but sometimes I just need to feel it, talk to myself deal with it. I was only a night, I bounced back the next day. I worked out in the morning, went swimming in the afternoon – had a nap, felt better. We packed for our weekend when it was hot – when we got camping it was cold, a little shock to go to pants and sweaters.
I haven’t heard from the anxiety clinic – will call tomorrow. So many things going on that I am a little stressed, son going back to college getting paperwork and stuff together. I am away from the weekend with out the kids so maybe I can relax get a reprieve and come back refreshed and go forward and get everyone launched at the end of August.

That is it for now. till next time…………

It has been a hot summer since I been off work, it was a slow spring but it is picking up as July goes by.   Today  is another hot day–I am ok with that, I really do like the hot weather.

How have I been since the episode.  I have been better, and that is nice.  I had a prayer secession with my Pastor his wife and my husband, a bit ago, it was not comfortable, but when the Lord is poking you its never comfortable.  In the middle of my last episode at a very dark moment I cut myself.  I am ashamed, embarrassed, to say the least, but I keep it a secret and God was not going to let me keep it that way.  My best friend realized a during the episode what was happening, she kept it to herself and talked only to me about it.   God wanted me to share during our prayer time together about what I had done.  I could not look any of them in the eye and tell them.  I kept it quiet, spent a tormented night and emailed them in the next day – after I sat my husband down to admit what I had done.  My husband is Scottish, to say he took it in stride would totally be wrong, he freaked.  He was ready to take me to the hospital on the spot.  I talked him out of it and eventually got him calmed down to discuss what is what.  To say he watches me like a hawk, is an understatement.  Another step in the process.  As for my Therapy.  My Psyc doctor didn’t send through my request so it got sent three days ago! so I have to call the Anxiety clinic to see how long I wait, and then I may get some help.  In the mean time I am working out trying to eat right and enjoying the heat.  I know its a rollercoaster and I know another down will come.  I just have to figure out how to handle it.  I need to make it a way of life and I don’t quite know how to handle the downs.  I am trying to create my own coping strategies and some work, some don’t.  I pray that my therapy group opens up and I can see if this will help.

For now, I am up, and I am busy getting ready for a camping trip.  My family goes with a few other families, and have so for 12 years now.  Oh how time flies.   Getting ready for this isn’t stressful.  I have had years where I felt very stressed out about this trip, not because I didn’t like the families, but because I felt I never fit in with the group.  Time passes, we grow up, things change, and it is all good.

That is all for now till next time………………………

I am coming to the tail end of a episode, that started Thursday.  I got up Thursday seemed fine, but as the day progressed the more I was falling down.  My heart started to race on and off all day, I could not stop the negative voices in my head.  In the evening my husband went out to meet a friend from work, and the kids were busy.  So I secluded myself to the back yard till late in the night.  My son would wander in and out, to say hi, talk a little. I would suck it up and smile talk with him, laugh.  My daughter had friends over, didn’t see her.  My husband came home we talked a little he knew I was in a bad place at one look, but I don’t think he knew how bad.  I did try to help myself.  I called my psyc doctor’s office earlier in the day, to see what was happening with my recommendation for therapy at the hospital. They referred me to  the Anxiety clinic – I call the clinic, they had never heard of me.  They checked their records called me back and told me I was not on record, go back to my psyc doctor or my family doctor.  * sigh * So I called the family doctor’s secretary, she said referral must come from the psyc doctor.  Called psyc doctor’s office, twice once late afternoon second time around 9:30 at night, left a message they didn’t call back .  By the time I had called the second time I was in a state.  Racing heart, loud voices, my husband wanting to talk, I couldn’t. I was so embarrassed by how far gone I was, I wasn’t drunk- the negativity was strong and my actions so wrong, the tremors weren’t stopping.  I didn’t want to talk, I was afraid.  My husband is the love of my life.  Not because he is perfect, he is far from that.  Not because he always does the right thing, or says the right thing, he and I have been married 21 years been through so much.  We survived the deaths of our Fathers, raised our kids, have faith together I respect and love him so much.  I couldn’t look him in the eye and tell him what I was doing and where I was.  It was late when I got to bed I don’t know the time but everyone else had long been there, and I didn’t sleep much.

The doctor’s office called 9ish the next morning.  I missed the call.  Now you know I was upset and I was walking around with my phone waiting for the call.  My son calls me – the van is in the garage, he called to say its ok and he will pick it up tonight. The phone beeps – call waiting- missed the call they left a message– darn Murphy’s law.  My psyc doctor will not be in till Monday – they will ask her where, and who I should be going to see and call me back then. * Stunned *  I should have talked to my husband and had him take me somewhere last night.  The waiting lists for therapy are long, I was told 4 months to get in, I saw the doctor in February, now end of the list.  I probably would get help faster if I checked myself into the hospital.

I woke from what sleep I did have, still tremors, heart racing, slowing down, racing again. I am exhausted and shaky.  I feel like I have been through a war and back. I have coffee with my husband he goes to work, kids leave for work.  I am alone.  I go downstairs find the couch, surf the net, and have a nap.  One pm comes along I manage to get off the couch do a light work out, eat something, back on the couch – another sleep.  wake up 3pm surf the net hang out on my couch till everyone comes home again.  Its Friday night – Costco night (so stupid I know, but its like a hour date night for us :S  ) We walk around pick up what we need. I am glued to him, I am in a panic, people look at me, I am squeezing his arm, he is saying ouch.   I don’t want people to look at me, what the hell do they want!  My husband knows I am upset holds my hand, he figures its good to get me off my couch-island and out of the house if only for an hour.  Then we are home.  whew! cook supper yada yada. now back on the patio in back yard.  It actually feels comfortable.  Alone with my computer.

Where I am going?  I don’t know, is this episode over?  can’t answer. Do I believe God has my back? Yes I believe he does.  Do I believe he loves me? Yes. I am pulling on his forgiveness, for my sins to me.  The Holy Spirit is protecting my soul.

The next day….. I managed to sleep last night. Sitting having my morning coffee on the patio feeling better.  I feel like a cloud has been pulled from my eyes and I can see clearer now.  Heart not racing, feeling like I have some energy today, better.  I am not about to race up any mountains or feel like I can take on the world, but the physical side of depression has diminished some what so I will breath in some fresh air and try to make the most of the day. My husband wants to do a little shopping and I think I can do it today.  We will try.

I don’t think people realize how physical depression can be.  It not only depletes your energy, but if effects your whole body; headaches. tremors, or shakes, racing heart, feeling cold, feeling hot, inability to eat. I opened the fridge thinking food would help me, I couldn’t eat I felt nauseous just looking at it. Depression is not just about fighting demons with in its a inward outward attack.

Its late afternoon still feeling better – really tired now. Managed the shopping no panic’s anxiety, but it wore me out. heading for a nap on my couch island.

till next time…………………….

This is the

When the battle rages

And the journey gets long

When temptations grip you,

When the world draws you down.

When the devil’s forces press hard,

Fight the good fight of faith.

Though you are tempted to give in and give up the fight

Though you are tempted to run and hide

Though you are tempted to seek shelter and rest

Repent of these thoughts!

The battle is on!

Draw your sword!

Dawn your armour!

Deny yourself!

Take up your cross !

Follow your King.

Not my words, but words I came across in my bible this morning.  My morning started with opening my bible, something I have not done in a long while, and flipping through a bunch of papers I have in the front cover.  I came across two things, first a quote of Romans12:1-2  9-12

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

9-12Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰ Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. ¹¹ Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. ¹² Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer

I will start off by saying its hard to fight the good fight with defective equipment.  In the anxiety, the panic, the fight or flight of depression is hard to calm the mind to stand firm in the word of God.  Sometimes hearing, reading the word of God causes conflict with in me raising anxious thoughts and the drive to understand a verse consumes me.  To understand maybe the key to unlock this affliction, it is a mind trick to always be on the lookout for the thing to make me right.  I have always told my kids that when they are upset about a situation, don’t panic make a plan.  Sometimes it is better just to sit and be, I don’t do sit and be well, I fight a constant state of anxiety, second guessing and fear.  I by nature look to make things better for my children, my husband, in any situation.  I am a process thinker.  What I mean by that is, at work I flowchart all processes in the office as per the School Boards policy and procedure to be sure that every situation is handled the same effective way so to result in a consistent manner.  Its good operating principles from a business point of view. I have no process for this illness, I guess this helps keep me in that anxious state. Keeps me from a effective good fight of faith, and keeping my body pure and holy for God.

Thursday morning rambling thoughts.

till next time…………………….

Tuesday after a busy long weekend.  It was a fun filled weekend lots of time with friends, neighbours, family.  The weather held out and it was hot and beautiful.  I am officially off work for the next two months, my secretary job ends for the summer and this will be my 6th summer off.  Where does the time go.  I have a few little projects to do this summer, but I think the most of the job this summer will be me.  That sounds terribly selfish, however, I have to get myself into shape.  Physically and mentally.  I am calling back to my psychiatrist  today, I haven’t been good.  Its hard to explain the emotions the whirlwind that has been going through my mind.  The insomnia I have from time to time creates a vacuum of many things I can’t describe.  It sucks me into the negative voices in my head, it sucks me into patterns of behaviour that I can’t explain or fathom or stop.  It sets me up for the embarrassing results of the loathing I feel of myself.  The past week has been a huge set of responsibilities that I had to accomplish – expertly.  That sounds like I am putting excess pressure on myself , and in some ways I do, but when you are battling a mental illness you have to brace yourself and work 3 times as hard to make sure you are doing all that needs to be done.  For example, I was putting together Commencement at the school I work at, my memory sucks these days So I checked and double checked the lists, the preparations, the lists of Ontario Scholars, and Honours, the lists change almost daily as students get in their final marks and we get the information from the Ministry and their volunteer hours that they hand in at the last minute. so its a huge deal to keep 280 kids together as to what they are doing.  Combined with shutting the school down and information  its was extremely hard to keep it all straight.  Its done, and all correctly but it took tremendous energy and with only 3 hours of sleep a night, no wonder I was not in a good frame of mind.  Its all a struggle that I am failing at.  I see my only course of action at this point is to go back to the psychiatrist- if I can get an apt. and figure out what to do.  More drugs is not the answer but there are other therapies that need to be investigated. Otherwise I don’t want to think of the alternates, and the things I do that effect my family and my marriage, and may rip apart my friendships.  Who wants to hang around a crazy person ? The ups and the downs, as a friend you never know what to expect and what you are going to get. The stress on the kids it hard on them, my husband who is wonderful and love him so much – but how long do you put that to the test.

Considerations and options I am looking for, a way of life is what I am needing, not knowing which way to do that is the direction I must find.

till next time………………………………..