Wednesday


Middle of the week.  Feeling better today.  I was feeling sad yesterday.  I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I didn’t do anything, I just sat on the couch in a ball and watched TV.  If you ask me tonight what I watched —- I am not really sure but I sat there for 3 hours and didn’t move.

I thought a lot about  turtles. I have always thought turtles were cool.  I have never taken them seriously before; well snapping turtles should be taken seriously but I never thought about them much.  They are slow and a non-threat kinda cute. You see on the nature channel, the little ones just hatched making their way to the sea and there are thousands of them and as you watch you root for the underdog.  The life of a turtle has not barring on mine. If all the turtles died would it hurt me.  No not really.  I thought of them in-depth last night – that happens when  stare at the TV for 3 hours.  I was a turtle last night – except I had the noise of family around TV around.  I thought what it would be like to be a turtle. To have a place to hide.  A dark place where no one can see you.  Where you can bury your head in the sand and hide.    I know hiding is not the place you want to be but sometimes it’s not the darkness I seek but the peace.

Tonight I came home did a work out, my body hurts, I work out hard, I made supper, did all those things you are supposed to do as a Mom and then I took a little time to sit in the hot tub.  As I unwound and enjoyed the tub, I looked up and directly above me was a star.  It was like it was looking down on me.  I started to read my bible today- and write again in my journal– my last entry was April 24– little overdue.  I started to read John today, as I looked at the star I prayed a simple prayer.  God it is as if this star were put in this sky tonight to shine on me, thank you for always shining on me even when I want to hide in the dark.  —  I felt a wash in peace.  That star was shining on me God had just put a light above me to lighten my way and open my heart.

After a time of turmoil God has given me some peace — for tonight.  The tears have stopped for now.  Relief from the sadness that has followed me over the past few days.  I stand in this peace the way you would stand on a mountain breath in the clear crisp air and soak up the sun as you look over God’s masterpiece.  I stand still and try to take it all in – my cup over flow

till next time……………….

 

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Monday


Its Monday and its cold.  I had to take in all my indoor plants in from outside before the cold killed them.  That means that I will be making plans to put my Kayak away, and have to pack up the outdoor stuff before the snow comes.  I realize its just the beginning of Fall but I am never ready for it and to be honest it makes me sad.   I love summer.

I had a very very busy weekend.  Did a lot of work with my church and we managed to raise almost $10,000. for a local charity in my city.  But I am still tired, happy it all went well, but tired.

I have been fighting the tears today.  I keep telling myself don’t give in just keep your head up and tell yourself your tired and don’t give into finding a place to hide and not come out.  The darkness has moved away from my table, sitting in the shadows of the room.  Confusion has become disinterested in my for now, its negitivity that wants to follow me around. Another day of fighting another day of feeling not positive, another day of dragging my butt.

I can not think about the fight.  I can not think about how far or how long this has gone on.  I can’t think about the walls that I feel stopping me from being able to handle tasks.  I have been trying to focus myself on just today.  Today I will eat lunch and I did. Today I will pick up milk and cream cause we are out and today I will get something for supper.  Today I will clean up the kitchen, today I will clean the bathrooms and I will take sometime to relax cause I need to refocus and put myself in a place to handle tomorrow. I can not think about later this week.  To think ahead or about too much is like a trucker trying to load and drive all its goods in one trip instead of the three or four trips it will take to complete the job safely and correctly.  My mind can not handle too much planning it overwhelms and I become paralized.

So this fall I have quit everything.  I can only handle trying to get some exercise a few days a week and one committee that only meets once everymonth.  I have been at the mercy of my wreckless mind.  I am going to try to trick it back.  If I reduce the amount of things it has to think about maybe I can get what needs to be done and move onto the next.  A list of the important stuff to remind me what is what and slowly check it off.  I am not sure what will happen if I fall into a depressed state.  I am not sure what will happen when I drop in a hole — today I must just think about today– and the tear fight for today.

till next time

Random ramblings


A few days have passed since my last post.  The darkness and confusion seated themselves at my table — I did not serve then anything.  They tried to convince me that I needed to be with them, much like a black jack table in Vegas enticing an addict.  I sat unmoved from my post.  That sounds good, but in reality I did not invite them to my table — they invited themselves, at a time when thought I would be open to them sitting and drinking with me.  I did not speak to them, I kept my concentration on God.  Don’t think me admiral, or strong. I may have not given into the temptation to hide in their darkness. their ploy to confuse me did not work.  But I listened to every lie they told me– I didn’t scream lies lies, I did nothing to keep my ears from hearing I looked into their hole of darkness as it tried to look like a place of paradise to hide in. I knew better I didn’t fall for it this time.  I tried to brace my heart from the darts of doubt and my mind lies that were shooting at it like a thousand arrows in a battle.

The arrows of battle.  I have held the belief that God spoke us into existence.  In the beginning was the word and the word became flesh.  The word was the thoughts and character of God, given to us in the son of God – Jesus.  If God can speak us into existence and breathe life into our hopeless sinful bodies, then what happens when we swear, curse, gossip, cut people down with the tongue, the double edge sword we hold between our teeth.  We shoot arrows into the spirit, the life of those we curse.  We give power to the darkness, to pull their chairs closer to their tables and confuse and conquered their lives in a darkness, that they may not have the power to break free from.

This is the battle, this is the line drawn in the sand.  why do I bring this up.  If you have ever suffered from depression or mental illness you have felt the darkness creep up upon you and you know its power. I talk about the battle because in the midst of depression you are more aware of its present. The darkness makes you feel like its only your battle. it is only you and the darkness trying to convince you – like a used cars salesmen — “lets make a deal” But the reality– the thing we can not see because of our blindness (which is an evil ploy) we are in a valley of many suffering the same issues the same defeats and sometimes the same victories.  We just can’t see each other because of the fog.

The fog.  This fog is thick.  it creates walls in our minds.  We do the everyday things in life.  Make lunches, call Mom’s, clean the houses.  This fog has made me feel like I am alone.  I have been crying a lot lately.  The tears still do not stop.  In some ways this is healthy– therapeutic.  In others its down right embarrassing. In some ways disturbing.  I have before this illness took over, never been a crier.  I thought it a weakness.  It makes me even now mad to cry.  Don’t get me wrong.. crying is a natural response to stress, grief or pride for those around us.  My rock my husband had been going through a rough time.  Lost of factors.  Ill mother, stress at work, anger issues, and a change in some medication he was taking.  I am uneasy with it all because my husband is my rock.  I need him to be strong and sturdy and he isn’t — I know its a lot of pressure I am putting on him — and my own weak mind.  But I need him to fill the gaps where I can not, because of my illness.

Lately the illness has been showing me its blocks, stops, breaks, gaps, halts, its full stops in my life.  I am in a new job – computer secretary, communication officer.  I am really loving this job. Its great.  But in my day to day — job related I can handle it — but I come to a point where I am looking at personal emails, home expectations, Parent expectations and my limits run amuck and I am thinking no I can’t do this.

Now we are back to my previous reality  issues.  Is the stress I feel the overwhelming,  anxiety I am feeling, a life issue, work issue, a sandwich generation issue, a made up issue the darkness is feeding me, Or is it a reality I can not grasp because of my illness and the reality of all this life is outthere some where to be made sence of at some other time.   Reading this makes me think — you know someone somewhere is going to think I am smoking a kings size something or other ….. maybe I think too much, maybe I do listen to the darkness too much, maybe I drink too much wine and don’t have enough sleep.

These are the random thought that go through this brain of mine.  Ill or not, all to be discovered at a later date

till next time…………….

Reality


What is reality?  What is time.  A day goes by and a night passes how does that affect the mind, how does that affect life.  I step a step down tonight. The darkness and confusion have set their chairs at my table.  They want to engage in a friendly game.  Like an addict  I am sitting on the fence— wanting to avoid the temptation and wanting to hide away in a small place.  I want to be in a place of peace.  I am tired of the shadow following me. In a place like this  I want to hide, last time I felt this way I wanted to hide in the dark it called me gave me promises and wanted me to come into its peace.   It was not peaceful.  I know better, I know what is peaceful. Darkness’ promises will not do it.  I feel foolishly stronge in this knowledge.  But the darkness and his friend confusion will not give up.  They will decide what other way can we get her???? How you may ask…… a suggestion of time, what is time how is it reliant to what is happening.  Is this an episode yes, mental illness (that phrase is still hard to look at)  My illness has a way of sometimes taking me off track, taking me into a realm that is beyond the norm.  It draws me in and repels me takes me from normal to crazy – – so where do i sit tonight??? on the fence kicking my feet not knowing what do to next no knowing where to go……………

till next time

limits of an illness


Its been  bit of a struggle lately.  I seem to be surrounded with negativity. It’s not the voices of darkness and his friends.  Its people.  Drama in the house – 16 year old daughter hungry and tired after n school job.  I can’t take it.  The negative surrounds me like a shroud trying to choke me, I can’t breathe.  I head to my sanctuary in my back yard and disappear in a book.  The quiet and the night sooth my frayed nerves.  As I step out of the book and back to my yard I realize the limits of illness.  My limits. The thought makes me cringe.   I have been a women that could move mountains in heaven and earth. Give me two hours and I’ll show you how much on can do when on a rampage.  Clean a house, look after kids, and cook an amazing dinner and dessert and still have time for a quick work out and time for a glass of wine.  I have been looking at a spot in my yard that needs cleaning up.  It requires moving some patio stones smoothing some ground and adding stones back and weeding. I look and know I can do the work.  I need to get this done. Everytime I look it just drains me of energy I can’t find the strength to do it, there limits.

Limits.  walls surround me and to be honest it pisses me off.  Sorry for the blunt crude talk.  I am limited in how much I can handle.  How much I can do, How much I can think, How much energy I can dispense, how much I can accomplish, how much I can listen, how much I can advise, how much I can love,how much I trust, how much I pray, how much I faith I have, how much I can Mother, How much I can help, how much I cry or don’t cry,  Today I cry, the walls that stop me make me cry today,   It’s like being a great hurdle jumper.  Gold medalist. and then the next time you run you hit every hurdle and they are cemented to the ground.

Its late I am tired and frustrated and feeling a little crazy

so now I will sleep and see what the morning brings

till next time………………

Tears like Rain


September and I put on track pants today!  I like track pants, comfortable, warm, casual, you can hang out and relax.  I need to relax, I am coming off a high stressful week – start up at school and it went well but it has been a hellish weekend.  I made it through the week but I didn’t survive the time off.  We had some drama in the house and between dealing with that and trying to get regular weekend stuff done I am frazzled.  I wanted some peace, just a little peace.  Everyone in this house tonight is tired from lack of sleep and grumpy.  I keep moving to other sections of the house in hope of getting away from people – they follow like my cat!!   Its been a difficult time, I had to give a presentation at church this morning about a group I belong with and the charity work we are doing.  As I presented what I wanted to say about why I wanted to be apart of this group, I became choked up and had to stop twice in order to get myself together to proceed.  I am very passionate about it and I took a breath and it caught in my voice and I am beside myself with embarrassment and shock that this happened.  I have said in other posts that I do not cry or hardly ever now, the meds seem to have sucked up those tear ducks dry.  This weekend I can’t stop. I started Friday night, before all drama between a teenage girl and her father, and here is it Sunday night and I am still crying.  I don’t know what has come over me.  Deep in my heart I feel such brokeness and I don’t know why.  I can’t seem to get passed it.

I know a good cry, like a good sneeze, is a good thing, and I have always loved a good sneeze but this feels strange and I am not sure why.  Maybe I analyze too much, I know I put too much pressure on myself.  I know that I have left myself in a open and in a vulnerable state a lot lately.  I have felt over the past months that my broken heart is on display. There are no secrets and I feel exposed.  Thinking about the word exposed brings up so many feelings, emotions, I am not sure how to sort them.  This feeling brings the tears again. I feel drained, I want to sleep for a week but am unable to.  That same old confusion comes knocking at the door, the darkness; that has been sitting in its chair for the past few weeks, has moved its chair closer, it just sits looking at this exposed heart and the tears that will not stop running.  The confusion greets the darkness and sit there like old friends in over stuffed chairs of a coffee house enjoying a latte and saying nothing — watching and nodding at each other like they know what they are each thinking.  As they sit in the darkness of a coffee house, I am clinging to the stool of a pato trying to sip a cool drink and soak up the light of the world.  Praying in my mind but the darkness and confusion smile at each other sarcasticly like “Ya that aint going to help”  So I Picture Jesus sitting on a rock with small children surrounding him.  You know the picture, looking so kind and in a beautiful white robe and smiling at the innocence of these little ones.  I picture myself crawling up upon his lap, and being a small child, laying my head on his chest and feeling his strong arms around me as a father would a child.  As a brother would one of his family, as a friend would his best friend.  Let the battle begin –again

I am trying to hold this image. —— till next time