lables


so I have said previous post I am down.  It’s not darkness, evil, or anything crowding me its just down.   A pit deep in my heart.  I do not understand why.  But people do not help.  Ignorance to depression and what it means makes me so angry to people who think  Oh just buck up and get a grip!

When my friend’s son killed himself , a friend of mine whose daughter went to school with him and heard his valedictorian speech said Oh ya him well he was a different sort, ya well that makes sence!   How I managed not to hit him is beyond me — I think I was in shock.

My brother this past weekend called me thin-skinned and whiny.  Great!

A friend said I was melancholy this week and maybe it was something some creative outlet would correct.

There was a student at work that was flushed and couldn’t string two words together.  She couldn’t sit in her chair, rolling all over the place.  She suffers from depression and is a cutter.  Her arm was so infected her body was going into shock.  She had also smoked some weed and crack and taken some pain killers.  I didn’t know about the drugs, but I looked into her eyes and saw that she was going into shock probably from the drugs and the infection.  I called the Mom and told her what was happening.  Mom said call an ambulance I’ll meet her at the hospital.  I told went back to the class told the teacher in charge Mom wants an ambulance and I would make the call.  I go to the office. V.P. and Principal look at me cancel the ambulance cause — well what for!  They cancelled it called the Mom re looked at the student –30minutes later call and the police and ambulance drivers show – take her -and she spent the night in the psych ward and is now hooked up with the right people to help her.  Bottom line is — mental illness is not a serious illness —

Its bad enough to feel crazy and unsure it’s another for stupid people to make you feel worthless cause of an illness they don’t understand and you can’t control.

till next time…………….

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limits of an illness


Its been  bit of a struggle lately.  I seem to be surrounded with negativity. It’s not the voices of darkness and his friends.  Its people.  Drama in the house – 16 year old daughter hungry and tired after n school job.  I can’t take it.  The negative surrounds me like a shroud trying to choke me, I can’t breathe.  I head to my sanctuary in my back yard and disappear in a book.  The quiet and the night sooth my frayed nerves.  As I step out of the book and back to my yard I realize the limits of illness.  My limits. The thought makes me cringe.   I have been a women that could move mountains in heaven and earth. Give me two hours and I’ll show you how much on can do when on a rampage.  Clean a house, look after kids, and cook an amazing dinner and dessert and still have time for a quick work out and time for a glass of wine.  I have been looking at a spot in my yard that needs cleaning up.  It requires moving some patio stones smoothing some ground and adding stones back and weeding. I look and know I can do the work.  I need to get this done. Everytime I look it just drains me of energy I can’t find the strength to do it, there limits.

Limits.  walls surround me and to be honest it pisses me off.  Sorry for the blunt crude talk.  I am limited in how much I can handle.  How much I can do, How much I can think, How much energy I can dispense, how much I can accomplish, how much I can listen, how much I can advise, how much I can love,how much I trust, how much I pray, how much I faith I have, how much I can Mother, How much I can help, how much I cry or don’t cry,  Today I cry, the walls that stop me make me cry today,   It’s like being a great hurdle jumper.  Gold medalist. and then the next time you run you hit every hurdle and they are cemented to the ground.

Its late I am tired and frustrated and feeling a little crazy

so now I will sleep and see what the morning brings

till next time………………