limits of an illness


Its been  bit of a struggle lately.  I seem to be surrounded with negativity. It’s not the voices of darkness and his friends.  Its people.  Drama in the house – 16 year old daughter hungry and tired after n school job.  I can’t take it.  The negative surrounds me like a shroud trying to choke me, I can’t breathe.  I head to my sanctuary in my back yard and disappear in a book.  The quiet and the night sooth my frayed nerves.  As I step out of the book and back to my yard I realize the limits of illness.  My limits. The thought makes me cringe.   I have been a women that could move mountains in heaven and earth. Give me two hours and I’ll show you how much on can do when on a rampage.  Clean a house, look after kids, and cook an amazing dinner and dessert and still have time for a quick work out and time for a glass of wine.  I have been looking at a spot in my yard that needs cleaning up.  It requires moving some patio stones smoothing some ground and adding stones back and weeding. I look and know I can do the work.  I need to get this done. Everytime I look it just drains me of energy I can’t find the strength to do it, there limits.

Limits.  walls surround me and to be honest it pisses me off.  Sorry for the blunt crude talk.  I am limited in how much I can handle.  How much I can do, How much I can think, How much energy I can dispense, how much I can accomplish, how much I can listen, how much I can advise, how much I can love,how much I trust, how much I pray, how much I faith I have, how much I can Mother, How much I can help, how much I cry or don’t cry,  Today I cry, the walls that stop me make me cry today,   It’s like being a great hurdle jumper.  Gold medalist. and then the next time you run you hit every hurdle and they are cemented to the ground.

Its late I am tired and frustrated and feeling a little crazy

so now I will sleep and see what the morning brings

till next time………………

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