I have spent a week feeling better not back to normal but better. I still feel like I am on muddy ground since the last wave of depression ripped through my life, but at least I am standing and not face down in the mud. It was a tough go – as you know if you read my previous blogs. When I do I can not believe where my mind takes me. The depth that the mind can take you is unbelievable. The darkness that I felt and seen is something I still can not believe I have experienced. The things I have put my friends through when I have been out of sorts is embarrassing and shocking, but with out them I could never have gotten this far. I am sure the same thing can be said by those who go through any life changing event in their lives. I am sure that anyone suffering from illness, loss, or any other heartache can say the same thing.— How did I get here? where do I go? Will I ever be normal? Will the pain ever end?
My bible study group this past week we were talking about the holy spirit and the spirit of prophecy and how there are spirits that say they are from God but are not. Their message does not match the bible’s message. A friend in the study group tells us about a book she read. It’s a little book called Heaven is for Real, it is written by a pastor whose son almost dies but comes back. The son is a little boy but comes back and start;s over time, saying all these things about heaven and what he experienced when he was on death’s door. My friend says something that I wrote down but have been thinking about ever since. She talks about when she prays she tries to picture what heaven must be like. She thinks about the majesty of God’s throne and Jesus the lamb of God sitting at his right hand. She thinks of the angels singing and the grandness of the place where the throne would sit. This picturing helps her settle her heart so she can remember who she is praying to. That God is the God of all and creator of the earth the heavens and universe, and all the answers to all things come from him. There is reverence in her prayers.
It struck me how my prayers have been lately. I have been side tracked by a tricky mind that lets me down sometimes, gets side tracked by fear and darkness and depression. It reminds me of a movie the Radiers of the Lost Ark. The hero ends up in a pit of snakes, and fights them off with a torch of fire. He is concentrating on the thing he fears that he doesn’t see the bad guys sneak up on him and trap him in the tomb with the snakes. My prayers have been in fear. Instead of looking to God and remembering and imagining what Heaven would be like I was concentrating on keeping my eye on the darkness. I didn’t want it to sneak up on me but in fact it did– cause it would play tricks on me distract me and keep me from focusing on God so I could pray the prayers and give God the attention that he not only requires, but deserves. Thank God for the Holy Spirit interceding for me so when I was not correctly praying to God the Holy Spirit could groan to the Lord the prayers I could not pray. Our focus plays so much on how we do things. Tonight is Sunday night I have a lovely relaxing weekend. My house is clean, the laundry is almost done. I cooked a couple of nice meals, read a bit took a nap today, but tonight it is still early and I am really tired and I am thinking, is it friday yet? My focus for this week if I keep this attitude will be long and tough. When in fact I have some neat things to do this week to prepare for the end of the week and I need to relax get some sleep and enjoy what is about to happen this week. God gave me a strong body, a good job and I need to enjoy my work, my home life, and not wish the week away.
So this week I am going to try to keep my thoughts and feelings and prayers on what is heaven like and who is God and Jesus. And not on the darkness that hides like a spider in the corner of a room, but keep my eyes lifted away from the fear and my heart on God and his majesty where it belongs.
God Bless you — till next time.
To say last week was tough- is an understatement! I am still not feeling like I am on solid ground but I am not on sand either. I am better. I was re-reading my posts from last week, what an unbelievable place I was in. Last week was not a wave it was a tsunami, however, tsunamis’ waters do pass on and eventually there is dry ground. My ground is muddy but drying up.
I wanted to talk about this thing called depression. (ya like all these posts are not!!) but from a different perspective. A bible perspective. Was there depression in the bible. How do you not see it? Think of every bible story you know. If you do not know find a bible and read. King David who gave us so many psalms and writings that show us his ups and downs. He also shows us his faults and sins in the books about his life. He crys out for God from the pit, he praised him from there too. He danced on the streets to show his love for God and he boldly spoke of a loving God who looked after him. Much of David’s life was spent fleeing from someone trying to kill him. Hiding in caves, fighting great battles against all odds, like Goliath there was always a bigger foe to fight. Sometimes that foe was man, sometimes that foe was evil, sometimes that foe was in his own mind. What I love about David was his great love for God and not afraid to show it. He also showed us that God does and will prevail and God’s promises are never broken and true. Jesus states a lot of his most important messages to us in the bible with the words” truly I say to you.” God is truth, love, peace, joy, strength, and sometimes God’s truths are just covering you over for protection and fighting darkness when you have no strength to do so. I am only human and incapable of doing anything with out God. Some may say well you were doing things last week without God. You were suffering a breakdown without God. You go to work and shuffle through the day without God. truly I say to you, no. God gave me life, breathed in my breath. I could not have made it through some of the pitiful days at work without God’s help. I would not be here without God’s help. In the pit I was in God protected me from evil, it was not a dark pit, just a pit that my chemicals in me lead me to. God did not give me this chemical imbalance , this world and the chemicals in it caused me to be off. If I did not have God I could not have returned from the brink of darkness. Without God I have no power to forgive, love, have relationships cause God is love and we love cause he first loved us. As John 15 says, If I remain in Jesus and he in me I can produce good fruit. That does not mean I will only do good things and only do what God wants me to do, sometimes it means that God protects us by remaining in us to fill us with him so the devil and his thoughts can not take us over. Depression can blur those lines sometimes but in the end God’s got your back. God always watches out for his children, and through Jesus I am God’s child and apart of the family. Jesus died to make me God’s child so the void from the first sin of Adam which separated me from God needed to be bridged and the cross allows us to cross over (no pun intended) to God and be in his Glory, a forgiven child of his family. By remaining in him and I mean praying, meditating and just continue to work on my relationship with him I am able to feel the Joy that God wants me to have and lead the life he wants me to live by listening to his quiet voice always leading me to a better place.
That is the joy of being a christian, having a loving father to care for me when I can not care for myself.
Lord Thank you for your forgiveness and constant attention to my needs. When I was unable to praise or pray to you your spirit within me groaned prayers of needs to you. You heard them and in my pain covered me over with protection and sat with me till the wave left. Thank you for allowing me to be a child and crawl upon the lap of Jesus and sit with my head on his chest and just be. Lord all these things I thank and ask for you the name of your son Jesus — Amen.
Its been a tough week- work has been easy, living has been tough. Just coming out of the pit. I still feel numb- alot of that is the drugs. I have been very sad all week and today being friday I just could not do work – smiling and doing just couldn’t be done. I hardly slept last night. I managed maybe an hour or two, it is my hope to make up for it today. I also just wanted to be alone. Not to wallow, but pray, sleep, be. Is that bad? My husband hesitantly left me home. I am not sure what he thought I was up to. I spent this wonderful day off work, house to myself — sleeping, and sleeping and sleeping. Feeling much more like me than not. A good thing. My husband and I spent a great deal of time talking tonight. It has been the worst I have been for being depressed. Mon and Tues this week I sat on the couch in a ball for hours. Not moving, not careing, not feeling. I have not been that way before. I took to many anxiety pills over the week thinking they would make me feel like me again. They did not. I was so singulary motivated this week. That has what has surprised me the most. I did not think of others. I sat numb and stared off into space while the storm went on in my head. I did not think about my kids husband or friends. I was just thinking of the pain I felt and the storm in my mind. It was the strangest thing. I always felt that people who attemped to take their lives or hurt themselves must think of the impact on others – I didn’t have those types of thoughts to those degrees, but I understand how they did not think of it cause it does not come to them. Your world becomes a world of self. Pain, voices, emotions, storms, numbness, void of others and right thinking. I understand it now. Before I thought that there was a desperation of things one felt to go down those aweful roads and for some of them maybe it was but what I saw this time was not desperation, just a open, narrow, blinders on, road to pass down. Dear Lord how aweful.
My God where was he in this. Well for as down as I was, and my husband says its the lowest he has really seen me at. I felt no evil. I felt no darkness, I felt no leading, I felt no one pulling at my pant legs trying to be suductive. I felt numbness, and a pit but not a dark pit but a deep pit. I felt paralized by it. I felt deep sadness and pain but not any darkness. What did God show me in this- how dear my friends are, how he protected me from darkness and how he helped lift me up. I have never felt down and no evil or darkness or something trying to overtake me. This time it was just down deep depression. Which proves I need to continue on my drugs. Trust my husband more and tell him when I take the anxiety drugs and trust God again cause in the darkest of times he covers me over with his wing and protects me while I dip through this latest imbalance of hormones or chemicals — Praise be to God
I have been in some dark places before, I have had the devil ride my back and haunt me. I have been rushed by forces that have been evil. I have not been in this position before? My mind is going nuts I have been taking lots of anxiety pills to try to calm the storm. I don’t remember things. I can’t remember how many pills I taken today, or how much coffee I have had to drink. I believe I have everything done at work today- I don’t remember driving home. I don’t remember words I am about to say and have to picture them before I say them. I’m slow, I am anxious and numb. I am crippled I can’t believe it. my plan tonight and have been thinking of it all day is to sit on my couch infront of the fire place watch the fire till —–i don’t know when. I have a funeral to go to tomorrow morning and then back to work I might or might not go back I haven’t thought about it yet. I am trembling from deep with in my heart I don’t know if its regular shakes or drug tremors. I have only taken one over the recommended dose but I was up early early this morning so being more than 10 hours I am not counting that one. I only slept 4 hour
I don’t know who I am, I don’t understand what I am writing, I don;t know what I have become.
From the pits I write this blog. I am still taking my anxiety pills, husband returned them to me this morning. It is a deep hole one I haven’t seen for a while but it is familure like a old ratty jacket. I am numb. I don’t think I have ever felt this numb. I could stare out the window for hours while the storm plays in my brain. The storm is new this time- it is evoking thoughts I have never experienced before. It is frightening but not at the same time. I should do something I have no idea what to do. I am like a zombie, neither thinking or feeling.
I know in my broken heart God is close, I know that God will never forsake me nor leave my side. I know through Jesus God only sees his perfect child. But the thoughts are still there and I have prayed against them and they are still there. I am feeling totally messed up don’t know what to do or turn.
My friend begged me to read my bible and I did – previously I was curled up on the couch in a ball, unable to move. I had to ask my son to take the bus home from work cause I couldn’t drive. I stayed there for hours till my husband came home from work – Those were the most destructive thoughts I have had before. Shocking but not really it seemed ok to think them– but thought and action are two different things. I did not act- I took more than I should have of my anxiety meds but they did not take away the anxiousness. I was close to a break down again. I think if things would have progressed a little worse my husband would have taken me to the hospital, as a matter of fact I am sure he considered it. I only slept a few hours and got up and went to work. I am a no mind today- at least I don’t have anything difficult to do that takes brain power. I may not work tomorrow. I feel sad today, tired, and irritable.
A rough night but God was there – friends were praying, my soul was groaning and I survived last night. I don’t know what God was revealing to me in this. I felt there is something I was suppose to grasp from it, but I just haven’t got it yet.
Oh Lord my Father and God please open my eyes and heart to reveal what it is that I need to learn from these experiences. I humble myself to you and ask for your forgiveness for allowing the darkness to talk to me and I ask that you protect me from the evil one always in your Holy name Dear God – Amen
How far does the pit fall, how deep, how wide.
How far the darkness stip away your dignaty, your pride.
How far does it make you a burdon upon your fellow man.
This pit takes away my sanity, my common sence, my security.
There is an up, there is a down, but I do not understand
It narrows my eye sight to only the pain. I had love, I remember it
My loves are still there; I can not feel them.
This bad pit has blinded me, numbed me, and left me in a state of shock.
It is in the shock I should feel outraged, but you feel nothing.
No love, no fear, no nothing
I had been feeling good- note past tense took a tumble today – I felt it yesterday – I thought I was just tired and busy day but I knew. I knew that I was heading in a direction I didn’t want to go. I have been putting on a brave face today working hard being distracted but it swallowed me up this afternoon. I took my anxiety drugs and I tried to let them work. I’ve had thoughts today- first time thoughts. It was the first time I thought of “what would happen if I took a double dose or a triple dose of these drugs”- do they really make a difference or are they sugar pills designed to just make me feel better because I took something. I am feeling very anxious and I have been trying very hard to fight an anxiety attack today. The interesting thing about taking more drugs as the thought rolled around my mind – and it did for a while – I never considered others. It was such a singular thought. If I did this how would I feel? Would it harm me? What if I took them with a good bottle of wine what would that feel like? I never thought hey if I did do this my children would be effected my husband would be effected I thought of no one else, no one crossed my mind. It was a curious thought. Why didn’t I think of anyone else? It shows me how when some one is considering suicide that there is no “we, they, us, family, parents, friends;” just a singular me. It flores me that a life of relationships and I have some special ones when you fall in such a hole can put blinders on you so you don’t feel them, only the pain that is all consuming . That is what shocked me today. You feel nothing. I should have been outraged at the thought- I should have immedatly got down on my knees and prayed. I just rolled around my brain like the last pea in a veggie pot. It was suductive, sneaky, and unfrightening.
Don’t call 911 I am not going to do something – It was a thought just a thought. I am still shakey, and anxious and Iam going to try some yoga and meditation to calm me and see if I can climb out of this hole. I told my husband how I am feeling and even though he is working really late tonight he will call in and check on me and I am not alone my daughter is here.
So what now – pray, read my bible and trust that God will keep safe.