Still here. Last night i took my anxiety meds and it manages to help me sleep.   I finally fell asleep, managed to get a few hours.  It was a tough day yesterday, i managed to spend some time with my daughter yesterday, which was nice she thought I was a little stressed out.  When I look at her,i think back to when i was at my worse with my depression, when she was in high school and really needed a Mom, and i was so messed up, so trapped into my own horror, starving myself and cutting, those years are gone for ever and I can not make them up. And i realize they are gone and to move on but the quilt is killing me.  When my failures and guilt mound up, it puts me back to that place where pain on the surface feels like it can release the pain on the inside.  Then I wonder how did i get back here.  So today, Easter Monday, i am alone at home all day.  I  am still in bed. If i stay here i may curl into a ball and never get out of bed.  I have to keep up apperances, make the bed, do the laundry, finish my taxes, these are the things that must be done. If my husband comes home he will know something is wrong. He will worry. I cant let him know the depth of my pain.  I hug him lots cause if i hug, he cant look me in the eye and see the things i am thinking about.  So for now, i am pushing aside the Stuff will get up work out at some insane work out to punish my body and carry on.  Tomorrow will be better, i will be at work.

Till next time

So here we are at Good Friday, I can’t say I participated at all this lent season.  Normally my husband and kids give up something, go to the services and then attend the holy week services. We have done nothing.  I didn’t go to any of it, even Palm Sunday.  But today I went to Good Friday.  I have been so full of anger of late, and fear.  I am annoyed by the people at church,   and fearful to open up my heart to God or his word. Haven’t been picking up my bible.  I look at it and am afraid to open it.  I have been pushing things aside.  The pain of depression, the anxiety feelings, responsibility, I only deal with simple things.  When it comes to the kids I have been pushing their problems on my husband.  I haven’t been able to cope.  At work I am great, can handle the happenings in stride, and take responsibility by the horns and ride it.  I have been organized, a leader, efficient.

Maybe that is where I shine because I don’t have to deal with me.  I would like to go hide somewhere and try to sort out the feelings.  I have been crushed with guilt, sadness, regret.  I have been pushing it aside, its easier to not deal with it.  I don’t read my bible because it will cause me to think. I spend my time reading pintrest, facebook, flipboard.  They are short pieces requiring no deep thinking.  and I learn how to DYI something or other.

I have been feeling not bad, I have my sense of humour back, I have been doing things like cooking and cleaning, exercising.  I work out 6 days a week, it has become my therapy, or obsession maybe a better word. I had’t been takening my anxiety meds much, lately i havebeen using them to sleep,  still on my depression meds, taking them regularly. So from a physical health point of view- I am in great shape.

I just have to try to deal with the mental parts.  I have been good for the most part and I guess what may be coming to a head is the pushing aside.  I haven’t been reading my bible because I am afraid it may open up the door for the darkness to creep in and challenge the light I am thinking about.  Keep all doors closed – preventive medicine , at least that is what I am thinking.  But that door could also open up healing, but I am too afraid to open it.  Instead I want to hide.  So I fight that feeling.  I still feel the need to self destruct, to harm me may release the pain.  So I fight that too, and the shame that comes with that.

The one thing that really hurts me is that my children have moved out.  They are good kids don’t get me wrong.  They are both doing the right things we want them to do. Working, getting a post secondary education, but not necessary living Christian lives.  They have significant other in their lives, and I know they are not platonic and I tried to impress upon them what God wants and what I wanted for them as they grew up.  But somehow I failed that so I deal with that guilt of failure. How can I be an example of Gods love when I can’t even train up my children?

Writing this is the most thought I have put into these things. I can feel my heart pounding and the physical symptoms of my invisible illness. Today I am trying to hold my own. Today i am. Smiling as i cook easter dinner, but what that is really hiding is a heart that wants to hide , cry and be alone to release all the sbame and pain. That isnt going to happen today.

My fear that this will swallow me and i wont be to hold on, to what ever i have right now.

Its been a while since I have written.    In other sites I have written lots but maybe it is time to get back to this site.

The Depression.  It never leaves, it hangs on, even on the good days. Success in fighting the illness is a comparison of good days to the bad ones.  At this moment in time the good does out weigh the bad, but the bad are a reminder –  a little slap in the face that says “Yes I am still here and I have a darkness cloak I would like you to wear again” .

So my plan lately is to ignore the feeling, well I hid the feelings it is rare for me to have alone time. The kids have moved away and I hate it.  My son lives too far away  and my daughter lives close but seems far.  My husband is coping with my illness by not leaving me alone.  He grocery shops with me, we do everything together.  ( its not that bad) but I don’t get a chance to deal with the bubbling of emotions I have.  If I do get some alone time its late in the evening and probably at a time I should not be left alone.   Like I said most of the time I have been good, its just I have been pushing so much down.  Keeping it to myself is better than worrying people. My husband worries and to be honest – what can people do. I am not where I was, I have put my friends and family through hell – and they only know half the hell I really did go through.

I haven’t been involved in volunteering or bible studies cause I don’t think I can handle it.  If I were to be honest, in a study you learn about what God wants and look at your life and try to assimilate it.  I don’t want to learn.  I am at a stale mate in my mind that I don’t want to solve.  I do believe in God his love and forgiveness but I don’t trust him.   Ya those two statements don’t go together so I will explain.  When I was born my grandmother died 3 weeks before I came into this world.  When I was pregnant with my son, my husbands father died.  When my daughter was born my father died 4 months later.  I don’t like how God gives and takes, I am unable to process this I am unable to get past this train of thought.

I have wrestled with the “sins of the father” and our family curse for a long time now.  The past 2 generations  have been grandfatherless.  When I was having my children I thought ” Great my Dad is a strong healthy man he was going to make up for what I didn’t get”  When my father in law died my Dad was going to be the Grandfather of all Grandfathers, he told me he was going to make up for the loss of the other.  He was hit by a car, and a few short years later my whole extended family fell apart, and probably will never be put together.  So it gets stuffed down, a little farther down the well.

As I get older and fight new fights health wise. Is this my fate? Am I the next casualty of my family curse.  I believe but I don’t trust, is that even faith?  I have been thinking back to my darkest days with my depression the cutting, loathing, the week I spent trying to figure out a bible verse and had scribbled all over a piece of paper that I was sure held all the answers. But when I sat down with it – to discuss it I realize just how crazy I had become.  I should have been in the hospital.  This is not “why does God allow bad things to happen”  This goes beyond that. Bad things happen because people are broken and want to do bad things.  Or put themselves in a situation where bad happens.

This blog is about as far as I have gone in thinking about this.  Stale mate is where I sit right now, to move beyond that I am not sure how.

So I will push it down, deeper in the hole, where it stops, nobody knows.

till next time . . . . .

Its been awhile since I have written. I am still here, still working, still ill, but I am still here fighting the good fight, or at least trying to, faking my way along. I have been dealing with some mental illness issues around me and felt a need write about it.
Christmas 2014 has just passed and for me Christmas isn’t considered the best season, mainly because my depression started at about the same time 4 years ago and the two have manifested themselves together. This year I set my expectations to zero for Christmas fun especially where my extended family was concerned and they did not disappoint. As for my family, we had a wonderful time. Both kids are off to post secondary education so it was nice to have everyone home and we made the most of it. I am smiling as I write this, it was great.
The middle of December was awful. As many of you know I work for a high school, one of our students killed herself. We usually have certain students at risk on our radar, she wasn’t one of them. In the office you get a disconnect between the student and parents. I knew the girl, but didn’t realize I knew the parents till they walked into the office two days later. The father walked in and I just froze- we looked at each other for what seemed like a eternity, I walked over and took his hand, we said nothing to each other just looked into each others eyes as tears escaped. Forever and a day I will never forget that moment, those eyes, the silent communication we had, the depth of the emotion we shared. This wasn’t just some guy, he was a Muslin man, and I a Christian women we shared a moment. Two days later when he came back to collect the contents of his daughters locker, I told him that my family was praying for his family, he took my hand in both of his and thanked me for our prayers.
I cleaned out the locker. Inside I found her journal, I read part of it. It wasn’t that much different from my own journal from my darkest moments. She expressed her shock at writing the words she was writing, how much pain she felt, the depth of her hurt, and in the progression of her words I could see the line between life and death coming. I too have seen that line, she crossed it. It was almost too much to bear, yet oh so familiar, that was the frightening part. I thought about not giving it to family, but that was not my decision to make. I prayed there would be some comfort in their daughters last words.
In the meantime as I was dealing and processing that part of this tragedy, our crisis team showed up from the board at the school. These nearsighted, small minded, experts who are to be there to help, pat the hands of friends of the girls, and make up assumptions and blame who or what they could to make sense of a horrible death. They bumbled around me, as I sit in the middle of the office and my anxiety and anger burned as each passing moment went by that they were there. You can’t love cancer away, how did they think they could love mental illness away, thus why it is called an illness. There is no sense to make of it, death was a side effect of the illness the same way vomiting is a side effect of a medication.
The same week, we had a girl, who was known to be on, what the VP called “undiagnosed medication for mental illness”, get into an altercation with a male student. What happened I don’t know, I know the guy is not a nice guy, the girl was very upset by whatever this guy had done. The girl ends up in the VP’s office, the guy in another office. The girl is yelling because she is upset, the NPU officer and her partner come in. They were not called in, they just happened to be visiting which they do from time to time. They hear the yelling, they ask who the girl is, they are told, they know she suffers from depression they step into the situation. The girl gets more agitated as the police walk into the office. The police start with the ‘Hey do you want to go back to the hospital?’ They Girl ‘I am not going back there’ they restrain her, she freaks more. Hour and half of talking yelling and crying goes on. The Sargent gets called in, he isn’t putting up with anything from this girl he starts yelling at her. She continues to scream ‘ I am not going to the hospital, just leave me alone to calm down’ we are up to two and half hours, EMT get called, they sedate her because she knows what is going to happen now she loses it. They take her from the school in an ambulance as the school looks on. It’s been a month and a half, we haven’t seen her since. She is traumatized, I am traumatized from almost 3 hours of back and forth and all the time wondering if at some point I could have stepped in and just let her have her space. Meanwhile the Sargent, officers, and administration think they have dodged a bullet in having this girl taken to the hospital just in case she did something unmentionable to herself. ! ! Like she won’t do it now? Really! If they knew I suffered from major depression how long till I get carried away, I call my husband I tell him don’t let them take me away, my husband is now worried.
This just gives all the more reason to why we hide our illness. Why do we feel the need to deny our illness, hide our demons from anyone? Because people do not understand and they do not see it an illness, and sometime we get upset, and sometimes we need to kick something. I think this girl needed to be taken to the gym and kick a box around to work out her frustration and she would have been fine. or at least better. People can make us angry but because we are angry and someone who sees us and knows we have an illness like depression automatically thinks the person is unstable and incapable and being pissed off now becomes a breaking point and seen as a breakdown. The next thing you know you are sedated and on your way to the hospital, while everyone else is wringing their hands saying see I knew she couldn’t’ handle it.
So we hide it. We pretend we are ok, we admit to nothing. On the bad days people think we are bitchy or cold. You are just trying to hold it together. Some people take your coolness as dislike and in their minds manifest it into hatred. It makes you feel more like a freak. You take that pain and use it against yourself cause you are a freak now, in your own mind, you don’t eat, you cut yourself, you try to bury that pain deeper. The self-punishment takes that pain and puts it on the outside, that way you know it’s real and not a figment of your imagination. You have an illness that is as real as cancer, but society sees it as different and it’s the shame of it that pushes it down till you can’t take it. The pain, shame, ridicule that makes you go over the edge and you become forever branded as crazy, branded as different. Side effects of the disease.
A month goes by. Our VP’s sister-in-law kills herself. She bought a hand gun. She leaves behind two girls and husband, and a family who didn’t see it coming. The VP comes into the office I give my condolences, there is only he and I in his office and he begins to cry, I hug him. I have a 6 foot something man crying on my little 5 foot 3 shoulder asking me ’ what the hell was she thinking’. What do you say? I told him the love she had for her family couldn’t out weigh the hatred she had for herself. I told him my husband and I am praying for him and his family. I don’t think he heard anything I said but the soft tone of my voice.
During the past 4 years I think there was one time that sticks out that I realized I had gone crazy. I had asked my pastor for a meeting, I had to ask him some questions. I had a bible verse I needed to understand it. Understanding it was key, if I understood it all things would be better. I was manic.
I asked him if all things in his office were confidential, he said yes of course. I looked at the floor, I could see the line, literally I thought the line between life and death was on the floor, I had a piece of paper covered with the bible verse that was key to my survival, and sanity on it, all over the paper was scribbled my questions my thoughts my answers and more questions. As I looked at the paper, the line on the floor, I began to cry. I could not articulate a question, I didn’t know why I had come, and I saw for the first time what the paper had become. This crumbled, scribbled, messed up piece of incoherent rants. My pastor sat there quietly waiting, he was kind and let me deal with it. I am not sure if he understood the gravity of it, from my mind’s eye. I knew I needed more help, I went back to my doctor.

I called a psychologist this week. My heart won’t stop pounding; sometimes I can’t catch my breath, sometimes I don’t sleep. I have been taking my anxiety meds on a regular basis over the past week to keep my nerves calmer. I knew I was slipping before Christmas, now I know things are going astray. I go to my doctor on Wednesday. It’s been two years that I have been on an Anxiety Clinic’s wait list to go into group therapy as per my psychiatrist recommendations. It makes you wonder – why so long. How does one get off the list? If you are in the group do you die before you get off of it? Do you have to wait for someone to die so you can move up on the list? They called 6 months ago to ask if I wanted to remain on the waiting list. Really! They left a message on my answering machine, said if it was yes remain on the list, call this number leave your name and number and I would be left on the list.
And people ask what the hell was she thinking?
I feel I need to go to a ‘AA’ style meeting. You know ‘hi my name is_____ and I am crazy’ everyone says ‘Hi we are crazy too’ I know that was cynical, but surely you realized by now this rant is a mixture of truth, cynicism and humor. And the beat goes on.

Till another time…………..

I committed professional suicide last week. I like to think that I have hidden my depression over the past 3 years.. Maybe not. something happened that made me angry, in relation to some one in the office. Long story short, Im in a union. nothing can be done, I expressed my displeasure about the situation to the Admin. I just wanted it to be on record. They now treat me like a crazy lady. Anything I do they are all over me, for I must be stressed. The principals last words on Friday to a fellow co worker beside my desk. “I am glad its a short week cause people need a break or sleep or something they are freaking out”

So the thing that I was always afraid of has happened. They are treating me like a crazy person, taking work away from me not to over load me, its not that busy at work, Im not over load. People tiptoeing round me – I guess they think I will explode. I didnt explode I wrote a open letter to the Admin so it could be kept on recored for situation that happened. Now its on file as against me, for anger issues, or “something must be wrong with ya” And they are not talking to me about it – at all.
I am gobsmacked
I tried to tell my husband about it. Friday night he wanted to go out, and he shut me down. We went to our local pub and I started with a tequila, and glass of wine. Saturday I spent home alone – had a nap. Said nothing about anything for the evening – my husband comments I have that down look. wants me to perk up, I start to talk about what I am thinking and he kept interupting me and I did explode -not like the first breakdown I had, but enough to freak my husband. I lock myself in our bedroom. He slept on the couch.
It wasnt till late the next day my husband confides that I truely scared him.
So like the people I work with, my husband also is tiptoeing around me. Its Monday and he has emailed me twice and text once. He hates to text and its only Lunch time now.
Funny thing is – we have this campaign against antibullying, and mental health going on at school. We have assemblies and meetings, education sessions, any child in the school who may have issues are well looked after, and Im not saying that is wrong, Lord knows they need help. But if it is an adult- well “what is wrong with u? smartin up.”
It just adds to the feeling of unlove, that already are tormenting you. Where do all those feelings come from. Why does a person feel so unloved when they are of course loved. It goes back to every person who bullied You as a child, every angry word a sibling ever said to u, snide remark from fellow workers, friends, So called friends that smile up front and stab in the back, people who tollerate you, use you, hate on you. That is where it comes from,the devil just likes to stir the pot make it unbareable. I know as a christian I am loved, and I should forgive, as Jesus did. The prayer I held onto this past Sunday was, Jesus was nailed to the cross he said “Father Forgive then for they do not know what they are doing” so you slowly forgive and release the hurt. but there are still scars.

…….

Monday….well another week, I haven’t slept much in the last few days, but I managed 5 hours last night so better.  The dizzy spells are still there, the urge to cry is very much slightly below the surface, and on occasion I have to bit my lip to control it. Actually everything is just below the surface. My turmoil of thoughts are not what they were before at the worest of my depression,  they are just clutter. But the clutter acts like a fog, it takes a lot of concentration to read and work.

The waves of tears concern me the most. They come on like a stomach flu, you are fine fine fine, dry heave fine. I think it’s concerning cause they come on so strong…its not a cry, it’s a  hit in the  stomach sob.  My friend got a great job offer in another city- after the “hey wow that is great, “. pleasantries (and it is an amazing offer) I ran to the nearest bathroom and cried. I was wearing sun glasses Thank God, so when I came back out they could see my blood shot eyes.  Then I get mad…get into control lady! turmole of mind and negative thoughts. Your nuts, out of control how u going to function if everytime someone says something you lose it. Usual lines, fat, weak, fear, fog brain, turmoil.

I know how this reads, whine in over time. And ya it is for the mist part. But one day I am going to put this all into a book and I want to remember the fear, facts, and how the drugs effect me. This blog is my therapy – lay it out on the table, call it what it is- as thought of by a comprimized point of view.

This is how a depressed mind functions. It sees things not in a logical light. Some one could say “oh I know you don’t like….” whatever. and the depressed mind starts a rampage of “what the hell do you know about me. – or you say to your self see I am not acceptable to others, ( I put that in a kind way- reality it would be a list of swear, peppered with a list of negative and a side of anger and self harm, for being such discussing a person) turmoil of the mind.

Till next time…..

I was at a retreat in Niagara for the past 48 hours. I stayed in a 5 star hotel, spa, fantastic food, great speakers, around fellow office workers it was a great time together with friends and co workers.  I did have some fun.

but
I was miserable. I kept having wave and wave of tears flow over me. I would be fine, the next moment I was biteing the inside of my lip to keep from crying. My heart would pound I would shake, I feel like an addict going through withdrawal.

I feel like I am back at square one.  I have the thoughts of cutting myself, I have thoughts of starving myself.  the only thing is this time I know how.  I could be sitting having lunch with my office manager and the next thing I feel this wave of tears come over me and I could sob for who knows how long.   I bit my lip get that under control and then I am angry, I could rip the head off of the next person who crosses me.

This afternoon I had to walk out of a session because I was so close to losing it I couldn’t control myself.  I went to the washroom, called the anxiety clinic at Credit Valley Hospital– I go the answering machine……………seriously!

Here I am standing in a stall calling the clinic that was supposed to be there for me when I was in trouble and I get :”sorry we missed your call please leave a message and I will get back to you as so as I can”   needless to say I didn’t feel uplifted by this.  So I left a message had a good cry cleaned myself up and went back to work.

I didn’t sleep last night didn’t the night before maybe tonight

till next time………………..

Thursday am.   Feeling really down and agitated. Feel like everyone got stupid all of a sudden, everyone is asking dumb questions and I don’t understand them. My heart is racing again….even my heart can’t get things right. the dizzy spells continue, I haven’t lost any of the weight I put on a half a year ago despite my work outs 5 times a week and strict eating timed specifically around the work outs, I can not eat any more cleanly or specifically .  This dam body and mind hate me and will not function logically. Or correctly. Joy and happiness is a fools goal, they are but fleeting ideas of nonsense. Reality there is just pain, suffering, and a random idea  of hope.