I was at a retreat in Niagara for the past 48 hours. I stayed in a 5 star hotel, spa, fantastic food, great speakers, around fellow office workers it was a great time together with friends and co workers.  I did have some fun.

but
I was miserable. I kept having wave and wave of tears flow over me. I would be fine, the next moment I was biteing the inside of my lip to keep from crying. My heart would pound I would shake, I feel like an addict going through withdrawal.

I feel like I am back at square one.  I have the thoughts of cutting myself, I have thoughts of starving myself.  the only thing is this time I know how.  I could be sitting having lunch with my office manager and the next thing I feel this wave of tears come over me and I could sob for who knows how long.   I bit my lip get that under control and then I am angry, I could rip the head off of the next person who crosses me.

This afternoon I had to walk out of a session because I was so close to losing it I couldn’t control myself.  I went to the washroom, called the anxiety clinic at Credit Valley Hospital– I go the answering machine……………seriously!

Here I am standing in a stall calling the clinic that was supposed to be there for me when I was in trouble and I get :”sorry we missed your call please leave a message and I will get back to you as so as I can”   needless to say I didn’t feel uplifted by this.  So I left a message had a good cry cleaned myself up and went back to work.

I didn’t sleep last night didn’t the night before maybe tonight

till next time………………..