I am a beach baby. Love the sun, love the surf, (what you can find off it in Canada) love gardening, love camping, love being out doors. But we are coming up to the long weekend and summer almost over. Not happy about it.
Back to work now for a few days – I work at the high school in the office so I am putting papers together for teachers, staff, students. If anyone tells you that computers are creating a paperless society, work in a school. I have killed a forest of trees up to this point than in any other job. Whats new in my worl? Not much to be honest. I have been pretty much on an even keel. I have taken my anxiety drugs lately. I felt I needed them to keep even. I have been trying not to drink, not easy, I was at a wine tasting on the weekend. I was a little off last night. I went for a long run and I felt a bit better.
Today I still think I was a little off but no panic attacks, or anxiety just a little down, or maybe tired. I am still not sleeping so its hard to tell the difference. I rode my bike to work today. To work is easy, mostly down hill, home is the tough part. mostly up hill. but it was a good work out. At least I got to doing something as I did nothing last week.
Eating?? I am eating some. Its off and on. Monday night it was fend for yourself night. Which means if you find it in the fridge and it doesn’t growl at you, you can eat it. I ate nothing. I had a handful on mix nuts and a turkey bite for lunch. This eating thing is hard. Today I had 1/2 a filet of halibut for lunch, handful mix nuts and I am making a chicken breast and salad for supper. I am doing better today. Tomorrow well who knows. I have to get my eating in order – I am setting myself up to train for a 1/2 marathon in November, body willing, which means I need to be eating a training meal plan. Maybe this is how I can get myself in order. It’s still really hard I had no idea that this could be so difficult and yet here I am mixed up and confused about this and not caring if I do eat or not.
Upon reading this over I can not fathom that I am in this place. Mind you reading over all my blogs I can’t fathom being in any of these places. How did I get here? How do I keep out of here? Where do I go from here? The things I held dear the things I prided myself on I could careless. My home, it has been my pride. Not in a luxury way, but I have an ok home I loved to keep it neat and tidy. Sometimes I feel the need to organize as I have done leading up to getting ready to go to work, but now at work. I don’t care. Let the dust bunnies roll. Cooking has been another love I don’t care to do. I love to cook as an extension of my love for my family. My family love it when I become inspired to cook. It hasn’t happened in a long time. I did bake the other week first time in months. I made banana bread. I felt sorry for the brown bananas and couldn’t throw them out. My family was shocked!
I am not really sad this week, I am maybe just shocked at where I am in life at the age I am. Maybe I am sad at missing the old me. I guess I feel like I am missing an old friend, who went away on a long trip and hasn’t returned, and you don’t know when that will be.
Or maybe I am just tired.
To end this with God.
I lift my eyes up to the mountains from where does my help come from
I do lift my eyes to the Lord and pray for me to come back to me. I pray that God keep me safe from the devil and his prowling as I am vulnerable, and broken. I study God’s word, and volunteer at my church to keep me in Gods view, so I can remember that He is Lord. And that I have faith. Even if Martin Luther says you do not have to do works to get into heaven, but by faith alone. I think that Faith without good works, is not faith at all. I do good, cause I wish to receive God’s favour, I wish to have God smile down upon me, and I wish that my works, go without notice from man cause the blessing is sweeter from God. I am trusting in God to carry me through this time. He does, and how do I know? Cause there are times if he was not carrying me I would have died. It’s that simple.
I leave you for now – untill next time God’s blessings upon you ————-G