Monthly Archives: August 2011

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End of August; End of Summer :(


I am a beach baby.  Love the sun, love the surf, (what you can find off it in Canada) love gardening, love camping, love being out doors. But we are coming up to the long weekend and summer almost over.  Not happy about it.

Back to work now for a few days – I work at the high school in the office so I am putting papers together for teachers, staff, students.  If anyone tells you that computers are creating a paperless society, work in a school.  I have killed a forest of trees up to this point than in any other job.  Whats new in my worl?  Not much to be honest.  I have been pretty much on an even keel.  I have taken my anxiety drugs lately.  I felt I needed them to keep even.  I have been trying not to drink, not easy, I was at a wine tasting on the weekend.  I was a little off last night.  I went for a long run and I felt a bit better. 

Today I still think I was a little off but no panic attacks, or anxiety just a little down, or maybe tired.  I am still not sleeping so its hard to tell the difference.  I rode my bike to work today.  To work is easy, mostly down hill, home is the tough part. mostly up hill.  but it was a good work out.  At least I got to doing something as I did nothing last week. 

Eating?? I am eating some.  Its off and on.  Monday night it was fend for yourself night.  Which means if you find it in the fridge and it doesn’t growl at you, you can eat it.  I ate nothing.  I had  a handful on mix nuts and a turkey bite for lunch.  This eating thing is hard.  Today I had 1/2 a filet of halibut for lunch, handful mix nuts and I am making a chicken breast and salad for supper.  I am doing better today. Tomorrow well who knows.  I have to get my eating in order – I am setting myself up to train for a 1/2 marathon in November, body willing, which means I need to be eating a training meal plan.  Maybe this is how I can get myself in order.  It’s still really hard I had no idea that this could be so difficult and yet here I am mixed up and confused about this and not caring if I do eat or not.

Upon reading this over I can not fathom that I am in this place.   Mind you reading over all my blogs I can’t fathom being in any of these places.  How did I get here? How do I keep out of here? Where do I go from here?  The things I held dear the things I prided myself on I could careless.  My home, it has been my pride.  Not in a luxury way, but I have an ok home I loved to keep it neat and tidy.  Sometimes I feel the need to organize as I have done leading up to getting ready to go to work, but now at work.  I don’t care. Let the dust bunnies roll. Cooking has been another love I don’t care to do.  I love to cook as an extension of my love for my family.  My family love it when I become inspired to cook.  It hasn’t happened in a long time.  I did bake the other week first time in months.  I made banana bread.  I felt sorry for the brown bananas and couldn’t throw them out. My family was shocked!

I am not really sad this week, I am maybe just shocked at where I am in life at the age I am.  Maybe I am sad at missing the old me. I guess I feel like I am missing an old friend, who went away on a long trip and hasn’t returned, and you don’t know when that will be.

Or maybe I am just tired.

To end this with God. 

I lift my eyes up to the mountains from where does my help come from

It comes from the Lord the maker of heaven and earth.  ( a loose remembrance of Psalm 121)

I do lift my eyes to the Lord and pray for me to come back to me.  I pray that God keep me safe from the devil and his prowling as I am vulnerable, and broken.  I study God’s word, and volunteer at my church to keep me in Gods view, so I can remember that He is Lord. And that I have faith.  Even if Martin Luther says you do not have to do works to get into heaven, but by faith alone.  I think that Faith without good works, is not faith at all.  I do good, cause I wish to receive God’s favour, I wish to have God smile down upon me, and I wish that my works, go without notice from man cause the blessing is sweeter from God.  I am trusting in God to carry me through this time.  He does, and how do I know? Cause there are times if he was not carrying me I would have died.  It’s that simple.

 

I leave you for now – untill next time God’s blessings upon you ————-G

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End of Vacation


It is my last day of vacation.  I work for a school so this year I have 6 weeks holidays.  It has been fun.  I have camped and sailed, bbqed some amazing meals ( well I bought and spiced, husband cooked- yummm) Tomorrow I head back to the office and dealing with 1200 teenagers, their parents and 100 staff members.  In someway I am looking forward to routine, in someway this means the end of the summer season, that makes me sad.  Not depression sad, but longing for warm days sad.  I love hot weather, the hotter the better. I don’t do cold well, and the thought of putting on jeans and dress pants  uggg!  It is what it is so adjust.

How have I been feeling?  I am still not sleeping well, in the past week I got 6 hours sleep one night, the most in a long time.  I average 3 to 4 most nights. I seem to get up and function.  I am not short with my kids, or husband.  I have been working like a dog these days, painting the house, gardening at home and at my church where they desperately need it.  I have done my fall cleaning and purged closets and dressers, moved furniture and cleaned the heck out of my house.  I am a clean freak, but in spurts.  I have anxiety over things not being clean, but a lot of the time I don’t give things a deep clean just a ‘hey that looks ok’ clean.  I have not been able to get back into a workout routine. Last week was good, this week I ran once and am too lazy in my mind to get out there.  But I will make up for that next week when I am back to work full time and organized again.

Self discovery this week?  I am really hard on myself.  I have come a long way in that I don’t feel quite so much shame in having depression.  Writing this blog and the response I have had from it has helped me realize that I am not alone.  Depression is so isolating, when I fall or am down I want to hide.  The mind is a crazy thing. I wear glasses.  I purchased dark rimmed glasses cause I figured that I could hide behind them.  Silly, because I think a dark plastic rim won’t attract the person’s attention to my face. (ya right!)  I have long hair, I wear it down and close to my face.  I change my profile picture on my BBM and Facebook to that of a guitar, cause I can’t look at myself.  I pull away and close off from people.  What I should be doing is opening up, drawing close to people, God, surroundings, make an effort to look open to people and not hide behind things.

Being hard on one’s self is also part of depression.  I think some males that I know ( not my husband)  feel that depression caused by menopause or just chemical inbalance is just  PMS gone crazy and don’t take the symptoms and the way the brain works as serious. I think they feel that its just a phase and it will pass but give no credit to the fact that there are psycological issues the person is dealing with outside of it just being a chemical imbalanced.  This makes me feel like the depression is my fault and I can do something to pull myself up at will.  It isn’t that easy and there are other depression traits.   I am a little bit of a perfictionest.  My kids would say “A little bit!!!”  People who are, do sometimes suffer from depression, another depression trait is anorexia, a denial of self, and punishment.  I have been thinking of this a lot lately.  God has been bringing it up to me often too.   I have mentioned it a couple of times in previous posts but not in detail.  I am suffering not only from the effects of the up and down moods- which over the past two weeks have been good.  I am suffering from anorexia also.  I could go for days without food and never think of it.  There are days I feel bad about me and force myself not to eat as punishment.  There have been days when I have done a run or intense work out and then in the afternoon gone for an hour walk to work off more.   I have never put these words down in print like this before, so part of this post is self-realization.  I had said once to a friend that I had a big dinner coming up that evening and was saving myself for it, they thought I was not eating for diet reasons.  That hurt, but they never knew it hurt.  On the surface it may have looked that way but deep inside it was my punishment.  For what?  I am not even sure myself.  Maybe for having fun, indulgence, I don’t know if I can put it into words. I went to lunch with a friend last week.  I didn’t want to and almost cancelled.  She insisted we go to a chinese buffet.  I was ready to get in the car and run.  I couldn’t go there and eat all that food.  I ate some, and just made sure I spread it around my plate lots so it looked like lots.  I didn’t eat for two days after cause it was way too much food.  A punishment again.

God has reveled to me on several occasions that He made this body and it should be treated as a temple that it is lent to me on this earth before I return to my heavenly Father.  I know in my heart He is right.  But there is a wall between heart and mind.  Somedays I can eat at least two meals a day.  Yesterday I had 1/2 an apple and three slices of Turkey breast meat.  Is that wrong, Yes!

How do I do this with a family and husband.  We are busy we do eat suppers most nights together.  I will excuse my lack or little serving of supper do to large meal I had a lunch or nibbling all day long which didn’t happen. Or if everyone is working or out I just don’t bother cooking at all.  Or make a supper of something I don’t eat.  I don’t eat pasta, or pizza or bread items so I make them for the family and eat a salad for supper.  So what is this?  Its lieing, cheating myself, and wrong.  The meds do not make me hungry.  I have to say its been a long time since I have said I am famished.  And Yes some of this is control when I can’t control my mind, some of this is punishment for not being in control.  It amazes me that I have got to this place.  It shames me that I think along lines that I have never thought before.  It humbles me infront of God cause it is his hand made body I am abusing.

God has been by my side during all this.  He has been gently reminding me that it is ok to eat, it is ok to love my body.  That I am blessed with a body that can run, work out, move, dance, pray, and do many many things.  I should celebrate this body that God gave me.  Its not too bad for a woman in her — well lets just say I’m not 30, but I look good for not being 30 🙂  God has been reminding me that I need to rely on his Love.  His love for the way he made me, and that he made me to be loved.  God always has my back. He always has his arm around me and he is always there to show me how I can improve me and come into balance with myself and him. Today I make a plan to eat at least twice a day.  Its not perfict but its a start. What do I do if this doesn’t happen, I will have a follow up with my doctor in a few weeks I will tell her and see what we can come up with.   In the writing of this post God has made me face what I am doing. I see in writing the destructiveness of depression the destructiveness I am causing my body and how I am hurting my relationship with God and I know through him I can overcome it.  It all comes down to trust.

God’s blessings till next time.

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Arms


This depression pulls at me.

I sink down, I suck in.

I hold everything till my arms ach.

I hold the pain, the shame.

I hold my pride, close to my sides.

I try to keep it tight, the weight I can not fight.

I have no strength to hold these things.

I have no arms to keep it.

I progress when I let it go,

but my arms are cramped, they do not move.

Lord release my grip.

Release my sorrow,

Come close to my heart, so to go on with tomorrow.

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Poetry from August


Peace comes from Love deep within.

It is hidden by God in a special place.

We try to find this place so dear.

We search outside, we search very near.

But God’s peace does not come from only prayer.

It does not come from only devotion.

It does not come from only the word of God.

It comes when you pass the ugliness of sin, the stains of pride,

the desperation of holding on.

The peace comes when you fall down and sob.

When you give it all.

When you bend your knees,

When you scrape the dirt and grime off of your ways.

When you repent, and give it all  away.

When there is nothing left.

When there is nothing held.

When the tears have stopped.

When the pain is expressed.

The peace comes warmly in, and Gods love begins anew, again.

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Self induced hell /but back from the brink


To hell and back is how I would describe the past weekend. I had talked about this in my last post.  I had been away with my husband and the sadness and darkness crawled in.  I didn’t fall in a hole, I decided to by past that one and head straight to breakdown.  I was unsettled.  Monday till Wednesday I was away camping with my honey, we came home to our kids who thankfully didn’t have a party while we were gone.  To be honest when I was their age growing up on the farm I had parties when my parents went away, whats wrong with mine?? you know I’m kidding I was thankful.  Thursday morning we left for my Mothers to do some work on her house.  She lives about 2 hours away, it took us 3 days to complete our work.  Thursday was wonderful we did lots and I hadn’t seen her lately so it was nice.  Friday I was agitated, and went to bed early to get away from people, but didn’t sleep.   Saturday we finished the jobs, brunched left.  I was in a terrible spot.  We were driving along the 401 Hwy and all I could think was if I could get him to stop I would start running, I would run and run till he couldn’t see me anymore.  This is totally irrational.  I have a great family and great friends.  If you read my last post you know through my husband and some dear friends I pulled through that weekend.  My other support group, God also was there to take my pain and replace it with peace.

The point of this post is not to dwell on how I came back from the hel,l I was heading to a breakdown like the one I had last year, it was close and in view.  How did I get to this place?  How did I almost go over the edge? To pull myself out I had my support group, I took my anxiety meds and they helped some.  But why was I back in this place.  Self induced  hell.  It took me a few days to figure it out.  I was renewing my prescription for my pills and I read the box, it said the same thing it has from the beginning. Do not take with alcohol. I knew I should not drink with this stuff my doctor said a glass of wine with dinner on the weekend or a beer on a hot day is fine but not every day.  Ever have one of those moments in your life where it feels like a TV show and a spot light comes down upon what you’re looking at to highlight it.  Then it hit me.  Crap what have I done to myself, that caused my friends to come out to my house Sunday night to talk to me, my husband to spend time talking me away from my urge to run and to be honest I know he considered taking me to the hospital too.

I was on vacation with my husband for 3 days we were camping, eating wonderful meals, drinking wine with steak, and drinking beer while we sailed, out for dinner with friends at the resort.  Then at my Mothers working outside on a hot day, building decks and installing a back splash is thirsty work.  Home on Saturday and Sunday not caring what I was doing, I had a drink, a few glasses of wine with dinner.   Tuesday it dawned on me.  I had a week full of drinking.  What the heck am I doing.  No wonder I was crashing, I was counter acting my pills.  I haven’t had a drink all week.  I had a small glass of wine by the fire with my husband tonight,   it’s a beautiful summers night but I have avoided it all and got back to working out even though it has been a struggle. ( I am a fitness fanatic – so not to- isn’t me, again its the depression, it pulls you away from what you love.) This is Friday, and I feel great.  Well I feel better.  I still don’t feel like me, completely. I am feeling better.  I am still not sleeping, I get 3 to 4 hours a night the rest of the time I listen to the crickets.  My mind is not a whirl, it’s just awake.

This week I have been thinking about what I have been doing each day and how it is effecting my quality of life.  You have to watch what you do.  I have said it before, several times.  Watch what you eat, watch what you drink, restrict alcohol, restrict coffee, workout, try to sleep, take your pills.  Just keeping up with this makes me sad sometimes.   It’s a process, this will not last forever, it will pass.  Depression is just like any other illness.  If you have a bad heart you have to exercise and eat right.  I you have a bad arm you have to take care of it.  If you have a bad hormonal chemicals you have to attend them like a cut, bruse or bad heart and do the things that matter.  I got caught up in vacation mode of the summer, not to say I didn’t have a good time but the end result does not justify a couple of drinks too many.  I am still having issues with eating, somedays I have to force myself to eat.  I could go days with out and never think if it.  I know some of this is not wanting to, some of this is medication and not being hungry, some of it is control issues.  I have not said any of that to my husband, I don’t need the stress of him watching everything I put in my mouth or not put in my mouth.  I am trying I am trying.

Where is God in this, I always like to end my blogs with Him.  It is God that reminded me that He is in control, it was God that made me see my errors and best of all through his son Jesus Christ, through his blood and death on the cross and rising again it is through him I am forgiven.  God has my back, my heart, my soul, and sometimes I give Him my mind. Till next time Gods blessings.

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August first half


First half of August and how am I doing?  I seem to have problems with the beginning of the month.  I was doing good through the end of July, I was feeling like me I was doing ok, no panic attacks, anxiety.  August started all good then too, then the panic and anxiety started to creep in.  I didn’t have an attack put I did have to calm myself shopping the other day but I did it.  Sunday morning I awoke with that old feeling again.  I didn’t want people to look at me, I changed my Facebook picture to a picture of a guitar.  I prayed most of the service, but I was sad and I could not shake it.  Sunday night was bad but I got some sleep and up Monday and went away with my husband for a few days.  They were good we were busy and that keeps me distracted which helped.  One night I was in a hole, Tuesday.  I could care less about everything.  My husband was asleep we had spent the day sailing so he was exhausted.  I not being able to sleep sat up till midnight watching the campfire I made and feeling sad.  Arguing with God.  God can change the heart of Paul in the new testament why can’t he change those here now?  I have a couple of thorns which I will not go into but one of the thorns involves my extended family, to put it in a nutshell,  we are dysfunctional We were not always that way.  I want my family back.  The only way to do this is for God to put it back together.  It will happen in God’s time but I have been waiting for a long time now – why can’t i have satisfaction? Why can’t I have it back?  if he is the God of power what is wrong with him?  I have been shaking again. This is usually a sign that I am heading down a rough path.  I managed to make it through the rest of the week and then Saturday came, I was almost back to square one, I was on the verge of a complete breakdown.  It was my husband who talked me out of it and helped me avoid it but I was still in a hole and shaking and the negativity of the voices were loud and strong.  I took my emergency pills.  I took more this weekend than any time up to this point. They did help, some.  I was ready to hide, I was making plans to run and hide at my friends cottage, I was planning excuses to hide at home not go to church, not go out into the world.  Again this is what depression does it isolates you and makes you pull away from all that is important to you.  Church, family, sports, running, cooking, reading, life.

But to my question.  If I believe that God is all-powerful and can change hearts why can’t he change the one of my thorns hearts? But that is the wrong question, depression and the lies that go with it want me to ask those types of questions, it wants me to deny God and is taking all things that have bothered me, all my skeletons, all my hurts, all my thorns and the lies want to surround them and blur them. and break me down one situation by situation.  As the lie does that, it pulls you down that deep hole.  It wants you to deny your intelligence, worth, and life itself.  The answer to my question, God’s timing is; God’s timing and in a world were we want all things instantly sometimes the answer to our questions is wait. You have to talk to yourself or have someone help you talk your way against the lies and to the truth. You have to keep asking yourself what is truth, what is truth, and concentrate on that.

I have good friends, actually make that I have great friends they came, and they sat and they talked to me and they supported me Sunday night.  My husband talked me away from my breakdown, and God pulled in close and waited for me to notice.  In the end Monday morning I got up read my bible and wondered where the peace was, the turmoil of the weekend was still swirling, but the voices had dissipated, what change?  My friends prayed for me they prayed specifically for my heart and against evil and then it was up to me. I gave it to God, no more me trying to fix things, no more me in control.   I can’t handle it, I can’t do it, I can’t solve it, I gave it to God and the sobs started.  It’s not something I am known to do since I have been on the meds but, I sobbed from the depth of my soul.  I got up dried my tears put my running shoes on and ran 10 km of head clearing running.  I put myself back together by praising the Lord and giving him myself unconditionally.  I came home I had a swim and it was like a baptism, the peace started to flow.   Voices defeated, sadness defeated, breakdown defeated, for today.

What will happen in the next coming weeks??????I don’t know, I do know that I have a support group and I have God to help me through. Praise be to God.  If you are in this situation find your friends, find a support group, find a way to talk yourself out of the negative and into the light.

till next time im praying for you

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Last week in July 2011


We are mid week in the last week of July.  I was for my follow up with my doctor this week she wants me to up my dose again.  I have now doubled my doseage.  It makes me sad, to be honest that I need to be taking something.   I am a farm girl, I don’t like chemicals and taking them or exposing them to me, pills goes against the grain- so to speak no pun intended. But I have been feeling better and talked myself out of a panic attack the other week so I guess I am proceeding in a positive trend and this will not be forever, so I will roll with it for now.

I have been having sleeping problems. I am only getting 2 to 4 hours a night, I am tired and hate that.  I have been trying to be active.  I don’t run lately and seem to have lost my drive for that, I have stopped working out, I feel guilty for that but as a Mom and women I always feel guilty for that and so much more.

Today I want to talk about thorns.  I had a tough time reconciling my thorn with the power of God.  My thorn, depression; my delima, I have a belief in a God that created the heavens and the earth and yet I have this thorn.  My thorn has shown me the darkness of evil and how smooth and slick it can be.  The darkness has been relenting till now; for now I seem to be better and not near the darkness, as a matter of fact I seem to be smothered in light.  But along with the light is an acute awareness of the heartbreak of others.   Why the thorn.  The apostle Paul asked God three times to remove his thorn.  I have asked God three thousand times at least to remove my thorn.  God answered Paul this way, ” My Grace is sufficient for you” In other words God’s favour, his blessings, his will is sufficient for him.  God has decided that what ever the thorn is that Paul hates, God is not going to take it away, he is leaving it for him and his Love and Will should be enough for Paul.  Thorns do lots for the thorn bearer.   A person learns to adapt to our thorn.  When we adapt we become stronger, we lean on God more.  In other words the thorn makes us a better person and teaches us to rely on God to help us through the rough parts, keeps us humble.  Like a parent allows a child to fall down once in a while so it can learn to stand on its own two feet God also allow us to fall to make us stronger.  But is it ever easy. No Never, why would you allow a child to fall, it will hurt, we don’t want our children to hurt we want to give them everything to make their life easier cause our life wasn’t easy- why not make it better for them.  You end up with spoiled children that expects to be served.  Paul was a proud man his thorn made him rely on God to the point that he was humble and praised God for his thorn because it increased the depth of the relationship between him and God.  The child that is helped never realizes the love that parent really has for him.  The child who falls realizes that he or she learns something and the parent shows him love in a tough love way.

My thorn.  God has taught me that resisting the devil and all his ways doesn’t mean only being good, don’t gossip, don’t steal, don’t swear, these are indeed things that need to be avoided but that isn’t the devil at his best.  Those are little chips at our soul.  When you are at your most vulnerable, when you are depressed and fall in a hole, then the devil prowls around and confuses you and makes you forget what is really important.  Your family, your faith, what you hold dear, even your life.  But resisting means relying on God and his Grace being sufficient.  It has deepened my relationship with him – because I let him deepen it.  I could have walked away yelling you don’t care for me you are self-seeking.  God is seeking, me, my heart, my soul, my life.  Jesus tells us to ask  and it will be given to you, seek and it will be found, knock and it will be open to you.  I’m no talking give me a million dollars.  But if you are in a bad place ask and God will be there, seek and God will draw close, knock and God will open the door for you.  I you need someone to go through this God will be there, he may not take the thorn away from you, but he will give you a way to learn from it and make you a better person.

This is all for now,  August is another month to work through  God Bless you till I write to again.