Tuesday, Pondering Party Day


After taking Tuesday to decide if I was going to follow the doctor’s advice, rules, and medication changes or stay the course.   I had decided to stay the course.  I wasn’t going to give in.  I am in control, so I thought.   I had a great dinner with my friends and husband and then went to a concert down town, I love to go down town.  So much fun, I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed myself.   Two hours, plus of listening to great music with great friends.  It got down to the last 20-30 minutes of the concert I sat down for a minute, and I felt a wave of depression tsunami me.  It came on super fast and frightening way.  I haven’t been frightened in a while.  I am sitting there and my melting mind thought about cutting.  I was thinking there must be a place where no one would know.  This looks so stupid in print.  I can’t believe the idea rushed into my mind, rolled around and was entertained for a bit.  It was a surreal moment in time.  My mind fell into my boots and it was like I was eavesdropping on a conversation.  This seem to last 5 or 10 minutes, and then I was jolted back to normality when I looked around and realized this isn’t a conversation around me, everyone was standing, singing, dancing to the music, the conversation was in my head.  To say I was floored is a sever understatement.  I prayed a silent prayer to God to take this thing away, take the thought away and restore me.  I sat for a moment and jumped up and got myself back into the night.   I was not going to let this hell ruin my night.  I managed to get myself together  after a bit and enjoyed the rest of the night.

As I lay in bed I was very tired, had a few glasses of wine earlier and fell into a toss and turn night, full of weird dreams and restlessness.  I woke this morning and didn’t think of it.  Work, get up get to it, get your daughter to school get lunches in the right hands and off to the office.  It wasn’t till lunch when I had a chance to breath and then remember the evening.  It seemed like a weird dream.  It was a random horrible thought.  It is not a consideration.  I mention this episode because it is just that an episode but it also clinched my decision to follow the doctors medication, rules, follow ups for the next 8 weeks and see where I am.  I guess maybe it was a Blessing I experienced;  when and how I did. I was with safe people, safe place, not alone, and with God’s help pull through it.  I haven’t had any thoughts like that for a long time now, so it seems strange now, but maybe it was a good thing.  I started taking the new meds this morning — so look out next week will be a rocky one.  You can’t mess with these drugs, and any little adjustment sends you over the edge.  The Psyc Doctor called my condition Major Depression Disorder–see definition from web m.d.

” What Is Major Depressive Disorder?

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, major depressive disorder is characterized by a combination of symptoms that interfere with a person’s ability to work, sleep, study, eat, and enjoy once-pleasurable activities.

There are times you may feel sad, lonely, or hopeless for a few days. But major depression — clinical depression — lasts longer and is disabling. It can prevent you from functioning normally, and the disorder can also cause the subject to harm ones self, and suicidal thougths, if left untreated. ”

I don’t like the word Disorder it should be Major Depressive Mind out of Order,  Or MDMOOO for short.  🙂

As far as timing goes it’s a good time to do it / it’s a bad time to do it.  I have lots on my plate.  My Mother is going in for cataract surgery tomorrow,  she just got over a serious bug a week and a bit ago.  I only found out yesterday about the bug.  My idiotic brother knew but figured I was an hour and half away so why bother me. I live too far away.  He got an unpleasant reply from me on that point. I can not express how angry I am about it in this blog  because I wish not to swear in it – but you get the picture.  I have a couple of cousins who are ill one is coming around, one just in for surgery. My son is moving home.  I can’t wait, but it will take a little time to for all of us to adjust to living together again. More stress.   It makes me want to hop in the van and drive till I run out of gas or come to an ocean.  Life is not something to run from so I will sleep tonight, take the meds, work out, do a major cut back on drinking,  go to work, cook for the family, and do what I can to live the life God wants me to.

Just re reading that last paragraph,  very selfish, forgive me.  It’s a mixture of venting, and convincing.  Venting about how my family drives me nuts, and convincing myself I am on the right track.  Will let you know.

till next time. . . . . . . . . . .

Sleeping Beauty


January two more official vacation days and  a weekend till I go back to work.  Its 10:27  am on Thursday, I just got out of bed— I went to bed at 11pm.  I have been sleeping so much the past two weeks.  I have been averaging 10 hours a night, plus a nap.  I have never slept that much before.  Its kinda weird.  I guess I needed it but I usually don’t sleep that much.  Depression usually disrupts my sleep patterns.  Last week was solid sleeps, this week a little more up and down but still getting sleep.  I have been suffering with night sweats, which means I get up once a night change my jammies, have some water go back to bed. I have had a cold, I have been coughing some times at night, so this week I have not had a solid sleep but still getting lots of sleep.

I am still feeling good.  I can’t say normal– but to be honest I am not sure I remember what normal is anymore, but I feel more even, right now.  I have no energy.  I must admit I have only worked out once in the past week and a half.  It was a good one but kinda sad.  Christmas is hard on the waist line, so working out is a must, but I will make up for it when I get back into routine.  I am not beating myself up, just a comment.  I figure if I am sleeping so much then that is more important than working out.

My husband is bored with hanging around home – I am fine with it – I like to be home.  Sometimes too much it becomes my hide out.  It’s just nice to hang out with the kids and hubby and watch a movie or two and read.   After a couple more days my son will be back to school and I am not sure when I will see him next – maybe reading week, or Easter.  I will miss him so much, it will be hard.  My daughter has one more month at her old highschool till she switches to her new highschool.  She is flexing into the school I work at!  She said she would never do that, but her school is proving not to be a good fit for her so she will spend her last year and half at my school to pick up grades and get ready for post secondary education.  I am sure this will not be stressful.  (small bit of humour)  2013 should be an interesting year.

till next time………

Monday


Its Monday and its cold.  I had to take in all my indoor plants in from outside before the cold killed them.  That means that I will be making plans to put my Kayak away, and have to pack up the outdoor stuff before the snow comes.  I realize its just the beginning of Fall but I am never ready for it and to be honest it makes me sad.   I love summer.

I had a very very busy weekend.  Did a lot of work with my church and we managed to raise almost $10,000. for a local charity in my city.  But I am still tired, happy it all went well, but tired.

I have been fighting the tears today.  I keep telling myself don’t give in just keep your head up and tell yourself your tired and don’t give into finding a place to hide and not come out.  The darkness has moved away from my table, sitting in the shadows of the room.  Confusion has become disinterested in my for now, its negitivity that wants to follow me around. Another day of fighting another day of feeling not positive, another day of dragging my butt.

I can not think about the fight.  I can not think about how far or how long this has gone on.  I can’t think about the walls that I feel stopping me from being able to handle tasks.  I have been trying to focus myself on just today.  Today I will eat lunch and I did. Today I will pick up milk and cream cause we are out and today I will get something for supper.  Today I will clean up the kitchen, today I will clean the bathrooms and I will take sometime to relax cause I need to refocus and put myself in a place to handle tomorrow. I can not think about later this week.  To think ahead or about too much is like a trucker trying to load and drive all its goods in one trip instead of the three or four trips it will take to complete the job safely and correctly.  My mind can not handle too much planning it overwhelms and I become paralized.

So this fall I have quit everything.  I can only handle trying to get some exercise a few days a week and one committee that only meets once everymonth.  I have been at the mercy of my wreckless mind.  I am going to try to trick it back.  If I reduce the amount of things it has to think about maybe I can get what needs to be done and move onto the next.  A list of the important stuff to remind me what is what and slowly check it off.  I am not sure what will happen if I fall into a depressed state.  I am not sure what will happen when I drop in a hole — today I must just think about today– and the tear fight for today.

till next time

Reality


What is reality?  What is time.  A day goes by and a night passes how does that affect the mind, how does that affect life.  I step a step down tonight. The darkness and confusion have set their chairs at my table.  They want to engage in a friendly game.  Like an addict  I am sitting on the fence— wanting to avoid the temptation and wanting to hide away in a small place.  I want to be in a place of peace.  I am tired of the shadow following me. In a place like this  I want to hide, last time I felt this way I wanted to hide in the dark it called me gave me promises and wanted me to come into its peace.   It was not peaceful.  I know better, I know what is peaceful. Darkness’ promises will not do it.  I feel foolishly stronge in this knowledge.  But the darkness and his friend confusion will not give up.  They will decide what other way can we get her???? How you may ask…… a suggestion of time, what is time how is it reliant to what is happening.  Is this an episode yes, mental illness (that phrase is still hard to look at)  My illness has a way of sometimes taking me off track, taking me into a realm that is beyond the norm.  It draws me in and repels me takes me from normal to crazy – – so where do i sit tonight??? on the fence kicking my feet not knowing what do to next no knowing where to go……………

till next time

From the depths


It has been a long week.  I had my first major anxiety attack in a long time.  I have had some twinges, some moments where I have had to talk myself down but this one was a pop the meds situation and it scared me, the thoughts going through my mind.  I almost checked myself into a hospital to be honest.  But my daughter left on a mission trip today for Panama and Thursday if I had done that she would have been majorly freaked out and I couldn’t do that to her.  So I called my neighbour who go to this restaurant every Thursday and invited myself and had my son drive me.  The kids were unaware for the most part what was happening to me but I had to get out of there and my husband was at a company golf tournament  Had I got in the van to drive myself I don’t think I would have stopped at the restaurant, I might have drove drove drove till I ran out of gas, I had a full tank.

So what was the trigger you may ask.  I don’t know I think it was building over time.  the previous week was a bit of a struggle, I blamed it on busy time at work.  This week I have been fighting a shadow on my back.  Its been there for days now.  I was doing VBS crafts this week.  I just did the crafts I didn’t teach them anything about the bible the craft/connection.  I didn’t believe it and I couldn’t say it and sound convincing so I left it.  I couldn’t even stand to listen to the music.  Every time they started I just cringed and the voices started up–” how can you listen to this, this is not really the truth– how can God be love when you are hurting so much”.  I had so many negative thoughts I could not stop.  But I was able one little victory – I didn’t voice them out loud, I knew what the voices wanted me to say but I would not say it.  But the thoughts, “walk away from his church, walk away from trying so hard, walk away from this delusion of saviour, love, truth, hope.  What is hope there is no hope just pain, death, struggle that is the real world.”  You can see how desperate the fight had become.

I asked my pastor to pray with me but couldn’t follow through – I felt foolish, and insane, and how do I say the things going through my mind.  Here in this format I can let it out, but face to face, out loud I am afraid I will totally give in. I kept thinking, First there was the word and the word became flesh–I didn’t want to add flesh to my words. I also didn’t want to be classed as insane, because that is pretty much how I have felt this week.  This week has also been a week of no sleep.  2 maybe 3 hours a night. I was doing VBS in the morning (only stayed to do the craft clean up and get the heck out of there) then working at my job from then till 2.  Cleaning up for next year.  I am officially done last friday, I now have a week to myself.  My daughter gone to Panama, my son working a 40 hour week, my husband still working too, then we go away for a week camping. It’s nice to have time to yourself but at the same time I am a little scared. I’m afraid of the extreme voices that came over me the past week.  I will fall back on our plan that my husband and I set.  I will (and I got heck for not doing it) call him at the first signs of losing it.  I didn’t last time cause he was 40 minutes golfing- what could he do from the 11th hole.  He is in his office this week and I promised I would follow the plan

I have no conclusions for this week… no Godly connections to make…. just an end of my writing for today.

Till Next time………………..

In the night


In the quiet of the dawn, it is when my soul relents.

It was the noise of the darkness that made it spent.

The dark things come out to play and dance,

it puts my heart into a  pant.

I do not want the darkness so close

but I can hide there closed in it most.

But there is no peace in the dark hidden places,

It is in the light that peace can be faced.

This tug of war between what I know and what I believe,

it is my good sence that takes its leave

To leave me to fight,

when I want to flight.

So in the quiet of the dawn before the birds morning song

I sit in a heap spent from the things that have gone on.

I neither look to God or to myself,

for I do not know my right from my left.

Turtle


Monday— the dreaded start of the week.  I was talking to a close friend of mine about how we wish our weeks away.  I do not want to wish my life away.  I want to savor everyday the Lord has made.  Some days savoring is better than others

Saturday I was fighting off the urge to cry, in the process of this my house is so clean!! That makes me feel better.  But it was a distraction from what was going on in my heart.

Sunday, I turtled.  Stayed home away from people, didn’t go to church, didn’t call my Mother.  My daughter did manage to drag me to the mall for some shopping but we lasted an hour before I insisted we go home.  She was happy enough,  so good.  My husband worked on a fence with our neighbour almost done, he was busy.  It was bad enough every few hours he would come in and want to know how I was, if I was ok.  Nagging– I know it was in love I just wanted to do things and deal with it on my own.     I felt like I was stoned. ( I wasn’t )  I didn’t  feel, I didn’t think, I barely did anything, I just sat in the yard or in the front room and stared off in the distance, read a book off and on all day.

Monday and I feel a little better — still have the sensation that I want to break down and cry or just break down.  I am tired soo tired I can’t seem to shake this feeling.  I go to bed in good time but I can’t seem to sleep.  Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, but I will eventually get it.  I just have to reach a point of exhaustion where I collapse and sleep for hours.

Sometimes I think that a hospital would be great.  Check myself in, hid in a room cuddle my pillow, give instructions that I don’t want to see anyone and just try to sleep.  I could never do that.  My children would be embarrassed and it would stress them and my husband out.  Worry people I don’t want to worry.

Sometimes I feel like I could run away, find a cottage or get my camping trailer and hid in the bush.  I am used to being in the bush I could handle that no problem.

Reality…… all these things are partly devil related.  I allow him to poke me and prod me, to stress me.  I hear the voices that say I am no good, fat, unworthy.  I hear the negativity that wants to block out my joy and happiness.  I have to remember that as overwhelming these voices are – I need to remain in God’s love.  To remain attached to the vein, growing in faith and keeping connected to the living God.

There is the rub………………..some days its hard

The best I can do is try.

till next time………………

Today is the Day


Today is the day the Lord has made I shall rejoice and be glad in it

My heart is brused and battered right now, but today is the day.

My Soul crys out in pain again, but today is the day.

I see the crushed in spirit die around me, but today is the day.

I feel the crys of the land as the blood sinks in, but today is the day.

The cloud of darkness draws near, but today is the day.

I prostate to pray, and today is the day.

The sun rises in its warning blaze of red glory, but today is the day.

And it sets with no fan fair, no light, story,  but today is the day.

The prince of darkness tries to mess with us here, but today is the day.

I am afraid and scared my heart shrinks away, but today is the day.

Today is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and come sit at the feet of God.

Today is the day the Lord has made, out of Love and Grace.

So I hide in the love that the Lord has made upon this day.

In the light of things I do know or understand, but know as truth.

For this is the day that the Lord has made, and I will rejoice and be Glad in it.

 

Broken


I have in hand a broken stick,

I am sliding down beneath the earth.

The open-pit to swallow me up.

My anger rages on.

Who will stop me,

Who will care.

I made a huge mistake

in sharing my pain.

I see only eyes of pity

Eyes of avoidance

Eyes of disguss.

I am tired of the pain I feel

I sit in the pew hoping to feel God

I only feel the rush of voices tearing my heart in two.

I shut off my phone, I shut my door.

No more to go.

For it is better to hide,

then be put to shame

Better to stay home , than be criticized

For there is no love out there.

For it is my pillow who holds me tight.

In the sleepless nights.

Holding a twig


Over the past few weeks I have been sliding down this mountain, sometimes slowly, sometimes fast, but sliding down just the same.  I felt for the first time today that I finally grasped something as I have been sliding, it feels like a twig. The twig is holding and for the first time in weeks I feel like I can at least get a breath.  I have been all over the map.  Deeply depressed, sad, despair, lonely, anger, very paranoid.  The emotions are all self explanatory but the paranoia is not me thinking that someone is out to get me, or people are talking behind my back or anything like that its more a case of love.  I know paranoia is not a product of love but maybe I should say lack of love.

Let me start back a ways to explain this.  A year ago or more when this all started, I didn`t know what was happening to me, my daughter who is 15, thought I was having issue with her, not the demons in my mind.  She thought I hated her and started to act out because of this misbelief.  Over time I told her what was happening with me, once I figured out what was happening with me, and as she became more used to me and my ups and down she began to see it was all me, not her, and she became more comfortable with her and loved herself more as she saw my illness progress.  In the end over the past few months, she has drawn very close to me.  She talks to me about everything, and hugs me endlessly, we watch movies together, and she has been a great source of love and it has been a great comfort to me.  My husband has been the same way taking over things for me, helping me, talking to me.  Both of them love me so much and have been loving me so much that I can’t believe how wonderfully blessed that God has been to me.

So my paranoia stems from my lack of love for me.  Around and around and around you go where you stop no body knows.  This is the problem; I feel good, I fall down.  I feel like I almost have things in control and them I don`t.  I feel like its my fault.  If the hand does not work is it my fault.  Well if I abuse it yes, but arthritis or something else; no, not my fault.  The mind is so personal, so close, I feel like I have let myself down, and its been a long time since I can say  I love myself.  It’s hard to fathom that a chemical imbalance can effect the personal relationship you have with yourself. I loved chemistry in college and when I think of the interaction of chemicals in a experiment, its hard to add soul, body and mind to a chemical, he I am.

I went for a run today, well its been a long time since I have run so I am back at the beginning again,  But I shuffled really fast and got a good work out.  In that mind clearing exercise,  the Lord popped a thought into my mind, well actually a bible vs.  I can`t name the chapter or vs but it goes like this.  “The Lord so loved the world that he gave his one and only son to die for us.” I stopped running started walking.  What did that mean?  God so loved the world, he loves each and every one of us way more than I can love my children or husband or best friends, because he created love and we are made in His image so our love could never ever be as complete and solid as His because we are also full of sin which He is not and therefore our love is tainted with imperfections. But the Lord so loved us, US because he created us that he gave his son, his blood, a part of his spirit, to die. For the purpose of us coming close to him.

I have been doing things over the past months, not because I love me, but because I hate me.  My family and friends love me.  As my best friend said today `I am a big fan our yours and you have  lots of fans` It dawned on me that when I have been doing things that I have had the mind-set of doing them cause I don`t love me.  Don`t eat fattening things or anything cause you are not worthy.  Not don`t eat fattening things cause you love yourself and it’s not good for you.   A glass of wine complements a fine steak, because you love the tastes.  Not, drink the bottle cause you are a mess and it soothes the pain, and in the end do not actually taste the food or wine and you miss the experience of a good meal.

God gave us so much, to love us.  Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice because he loves us, and for my mind cause he loves me.  How can I disrespect my Lord by refusing the sacrifice he made for me for the love of me, and not love myself.  It was a Gobsmacking thought.

Here is a good example of how far in left field that depression can take you, or the demons of depression can take you.   This is a gobsmacking thought!  When did I stop loving myself?  how did this happen?  I ran a half marathon, you don`t train up for something like that if you don`t like yourself.  I guess somewhere in the drugs and chemical imbalance it happened.  I can`t think when, but I know I am in the process of trying to correct this.  Today and right now I feel the love from my family and friends, and God, so distinctly that I can say for sure I like myself today.  Tomorrow maybe I will fall in love with me, maybe I will still be at like, I hope I don`t fall back into hate.  Cause hate gives the devil a playground and I am tired of those games.

God Bless