Wind has picked up!

The weekend has come and gone, another run around weekend taking my son to open house at his college for next year, running my daughter to field hockey tournament.  My house is a disaster, but that is the price of having kids and a life.  That is what I keep telling myself.  If I had no life my house would be clean and tidy all the time, but I have a life and that is why it looks like hurricane Hazel has gone through.  The only thing if a hurricane went through why do I still have tumble weeds from the cats losing their winter fur, they should have blown through.  If it were so easy.

 I have been struggling a bit this week.  I can ‘t say I have dipped or fell,  I am still sitting on my ledge however the wind has picked up and don’t feel safe sitting out there kicking my feet.  I have my back against the wall hoping the wind dies down.  I haven’t been sleeping again,  I slept so well a few weeks ago, I miss my old friend- sleep.  Sleep is such a temperamental thing.  You think about it all day “I’m tired”  “oh my pillow is going to feel so good when I get home.”  You look forward to it all day the then you lay there blinking at the ceiling thinking –Seriously!  Then the pillow finally gets really soft 20 minutes before the alarm goes off.  Uggg!  I am taking a mental health day this week.  I have a day when the students don’t have school so I am calling in to take a day to sleep and get myself together, and clean the house.  Woe to the child or husband who messes it up!

I was talking to a friend who also suffers from depression, we were discussing the ins and outs of what this disease entails.  First off the Doctor appointments.  The never ending follow ups.  Did this work? Add this med, take away that med.  The running to the pharmacy for prescriptions to be filled.  Remembering to preorder so you don’t stand around Shoppers for half an hour.  The putting yourself together.  Some days it easy to get up and get dressed and go out the door confidently.  Some days it takes all my strength to crawl in the shower.   The days your brain is confused the time it takes to sit and sort out the thoughts.  The lies from the truths, the emotion from the issues.   The days you feel like running away or hiding.  The days you really don’t want to deal with people, cooking supper, shopping, life.  All these things takes effort, organization, being on top of it.   The process is almost depressing!  I know bad joke but it is.  

The emotional side of things;  you feel out of sorts, you feel like a freak, you feel like you are less of a women, you feel like you have lost your mind.   You feel like you have a disability.  You feel that people don’t take you seriously.  “Oh she just has to brighten up lighten up”  I have learned over time not to care what people think.  I don’t tell certain people not because I am ashamed, but because they are unable to understand or empathize, or basically have a clue.  I don’t have the time to worry about them,  I am too busy keeping it together. 

On a positive note, my eating habits have gotten better.  I am eating healthier.  I have been making an effort to exercise often.  I try for 5 days a week, with a variety of options.  I have gotten back to running and biking.  I will soon try biking home from work again like I did last year, which is a good work out.   So things are getting there.   I just have to keep on top of me and schedule the workouts so I don’t get lazy and give up.  To give up is so easy.

What about God in all of this??? I read  a line this week that went :  “The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you.”  God has my back always.  Sometimes I need to remember to lean on Him and not my own understanding, strength, and will.                   Amen.

till next time………………………………………..


Sitting on the ledge swinging my feet

March break is over and its Monday uck! Oh to be retired, I am nowhere near that age, I have lots of years of work yet, but I imagine what it would be like, Hmmmmmmm, nice.  It’s hard to come back to work when the weather is so warm and sunny.  It’s freaky that the weather is so hot when it is still winter.  I went to work with a sweater instead of a winter coat which would be normal.  I have been feeling ok the past week or so a moment of pulling back  moment of sadness, but it doesn’t last long and I am glad for that.  I am still having concentration issues.  I am not the multi tasker I used to be but that is a side effect of depression and its medication so it will one day disapate – I hope.  So I guess I am still sitting on my ledge,  with my feet over the side swinging in the breeze and I am listening to the birds of spring and seeing the flowers of rebirth all around me.  I went to church this Sunday and it was a great service.  I felt no attacks, no distraction, no problems.  I got to worship and enjoy the service, it gave me great peace.

I’m cured!  No, I know I am not.  I still have a strong desire to pull away and close off.  I still have a great desire to be alone and go away for a weekend somewhere by myself.  I fight those desires,  I try to take some time for me to enjoy some quiet time.  I run and that is good for an hour, I meditate and do yoga so that gets me some time too.  I need that time to sort my brain.  That seems to be the norm right now, that I need time to get my mind in order to do things.  Its small steps at a time.  I have found that my aggravation threshold is low, not a good thing for work, but I am getting by.

Positives.  Positives. Positives.  I am alive.  I walk everyday and pray, and see Gods creation in the birds that are singing their spring songs, seeing the earth give forth its colours and rebirth of nature.  I am here! I am not in the darkness, or despair of my life hanging in the balance.  I am working out.  I have managed for 4 weeks to work out on a regular basis, finally.  I have been enjoying most of it too.  I am eating, and eating right.   No junk food, cutting out caffeine, no drinking unless with a good meal on the weekends only.  I have been reading my bible more, and I have been attending church and enjoying the service.  It is nice to feel almost normal, or as close to normal as I have been for a while. So I guess you can say I am hanging my feet over the edge of the ledge kicking my feet in the breeze like a little girl would sit on a swing in the park.  Looking up to heaven and soaking in the sun, the warmth of God‘s Love and the promise of spring in the earth. Praise be to God.

Till Next time……………….

Puppy Love

Its been a week or so since I last wrote.  It’s March break so I am having a break, the school closes so I don’t have to work.  My husband took a couple of days off -today is his first back to work.  I am on my own today-well I do have our two teens home.  Not that I have seen much of them over the past few days.  Our girl has friends she has been hanging out with and our boy has been working or hanging out with friends so its been me and my husband.  I am grieving the thought of our kids moving out and spreading their wings, I love them and we have a lot of fun together.  Even though they are spreading their wings, they still need us and we need to tune in our listening skills and read between the lines more so see how they are feeling, what they are doing.  On the other hand, then it will be just me and my husband, sometimes that can be a stressful thing in a marriage.  If the past 4 days is what it’s going to be like when the kids are gone.  It will be ok.  I am very lucky to have a wonderful, supportive, loving man, and after 23 years of being together we still act like teens with puppy love.

Its been 3 weeks on the new hormone drug.  I am still suffering from the side effects of it.  It comes and goes.  I have been really tired.  I have slept in the past week more than I think I slept in the whole month of January, complete with 1 hour or so naps. On the good side of it I sleep, for the past 7 months sleep is an illusive thing, like holding water in your hands it usually slips right through my fingers but lately I have been sleeping. I have also been working out more.  When I finish this I am going for a run today- its sunny and 17 celsius out there today – for March break in Ontario Canada– that is unusual, but I am not complaining! Even though it is still technically winter still, spring has sprung and it is supposed to be 20 on Saturday!   I have not been down, I have had moments in the past month where I have needed time alone to sort the mind and the things it is saying.  I have had moments of anxiety but not long-lasting.  The usual things are just moments, and don’t last very long. There are things I still can’t do, my husband still has all the money, and looks after other things too.

I seem to be in a reprieve for a bit.  I feel a bit more stable this week than I have in the past.  The past months I have been sliding down the mountain, but I found a ledge and I am still sitting on it.  I am trying to enjoy the view from here instead of looking over the edge and being terrified.  God has been creating beautiful sunrises for me and showing me his promises in the sky. God has been showing me love, and putting people around me that are full of love.  I have felt him drawing very close to me.  I have felt His strength and comfort.  I still have voices trying to break it down, but I have found if I sit real still and quiet and allow God to whisper I can overcome the voices.  Its been a moment of peace, and as much as I am enjoying it, I can’t help but wonder when the next fall will be (negative voices) I am trying to stay in the moment and maybe that is the trick.  Hold on to the moment as long as it lasts enjoy the sunrises and keep in prayer for the best.

Till next time………

Sitting on a ledge

I spent this weekend stickless, I wasn’t holding on to a twig, but I wasn’t sliding down the mountain. I have a tiny foot hold on a small ledge. I was out with co-workers and friends friday night and it was nice to be out and seeing people.  Saturday night I had our best friends over for a causal dinner and it was a wonderful time too.  These people are so special to me, and we were doing some summer planning which lifted my mood, thinking of summer is always a lift. 

Sunday I didn’t go to church.  It was something I decided the middle of the previous week.  Maybe that was wrong, maybe it would be better to be in the shadow of the cross at the front of our church, I needed sometime.  I sent my family, my husband was upset but I needed some quiet time.  My husband was convinced I was sliding down the mountain but in reality I was on my ledge getting a grip so to speak.  There is turmoil and no peace from being in church.  Wednesday’s lent service I was being hit hard by negative spirits that were poking at me and I was sliding down the mountain and they were kicking me when I was down. There was too much going on I could not get myself together.  I needed to have some time to sort out the negative voices and the whispers of God.  I needed to find some peace, I needed some space.  So even though my husband didn’t want me to I stayed home I sat quietly for a few hours with a cup or two of coffee and prayed, thought, and tried to come to a peace about it. I think I came to a working place that I can continue forward. 

One of my thoughts again come to illness.  The realization of the illness I have, not that that is new news to me, but sometimes it is surreal to me.  The flipping of emotions and moods is exhausting and the fighting to keep saine is something that I have a tough time day after day.  I was reading an article about a lady that endured pain every day and how she handled it and gave it to God everyday and how she dealt with it.  I don’t belittle this womans brave fight.  I can understand how it could bring her down and the emotional rollercoaster she is on.  But if my hand or my leg hurt I could isolate the hand or leg.  When its your mind there is no distance between how you think and the pain that you feel.  Then there is also the physical pain that goes with the depression.  It’s a hard thing anyway you look at it.

So this week I am trying very hard to trust God in this journey, I am trying very hard to be patient cause he asked me to.  I am trying very hard to ignore the negative voices and let God deal with them.  And I am trying very hard to listen to God and find peace.  Till next time from my little ledge.