Psycohology of the unstable mind


The psychology of mental illness, that sounds like it contradicts its self, it’s the psychology that fixes mental illness.  Psychology is an academic and applied discipline that involves the scientific study of mental functions and behaviors.  It is the behaviors and the study of mental illness that leads to is cures, its medicines.  We know it is a chemical malfunction that creates the depression. It is a chemical malfunction that creates a cancer cell to grow.   But what kind of chemical malfunction takes a person to want to hurt oneself.  The process of the mentally ill seem to follow the same pattern.  We can see documentation, story after story of how people went from one level to another level to another level to cross into actions that are as unthinkable to a healthy person as they are to the unhealthy. The question then becomes, what is the underlying condition, problem, or situation to lead an unstable person to the next level of self-destruction?

When I was a little girl listening to the radio I couldn’t figure out why all the songs on the radio talked about love?  I was 10 I knew I was loved, I knew that I was in a safe place full of love.  Why were there all these songs about wanting love, getting love, losing love?  To put life in its grandiose terms, life is love.  The fruit of the spirit is;

Galatians 5:22-23

New International Version (NIV)

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

The fruits of depression are the opposite of Gods Fruits.  There is no peace or joy in depression, only sadness and hurt.  Forbearance, Kindness Goodness, is unattainable because of the pain in one’s heart that they can not see around.  Does the depressed person know they are loved by God, Yes they do but it does not stop undesirable actions that can not be controlled.  This leads to the next part.  gentleness and self-control.   Anger and disgust are the two most powerful emotions that grab onto the heart, it is the self-hatred that dominates all actions regardless if rational or not rational.  To cut ones self is an unnatural act, we naturally hate pain, and do anything to keep from being uncomfortable.  The rational of a depressed person in pain with in, wants to only match the pain on the outside by cutting at ones own skin, or any other harmful actions.  It is an act of hatred, self loathing, and the person unbalanced sees every thing in the house as a potential weapon to their inward pain. Kitchen knives, scissors, razors, any thing with an edge and the depressed individual is looking at what a normal person would see as an unsafe item, the depressed person is making a mental note to remember that ‘thing’ could come in handy when the state of mind becomes clouded with pain, and panic.

Its interesting; when you go on vacation, we go camping you set up and you put up your tarp, you relax have a beer and spend the next hour soaking in the peace and joy of being in nature and enjoying a beer, your reward for hard work.  If you relax your body with yoga it’s not a 5 minute thing, it’s a process of breathing, concentrating, relaxing, it is not a sudden emotion or state of mind.  When you become angry, or feel in danger or have a panic attack it is sudden, powerful and on some levels thrilling.  The depressed person who cuts finds it a relief to be able to punish oneself in  another way, to satisfy the angry voices in the head.  The thrill leaves when the person moves beyond the crisis and wakes up the next morning seeing the destruction the person has caused.  Embarrassed, and disgusted with the actions the person falls even more into a hole.

It is not a isolated development.  If you read blogs, stories, books, of people and the depression journey they have been on, the self destruction is bound to turn up sometime.  How do you stop it. grab the person by the hands and don’t let go.  No human spoken word can cure it, Can the word of God stop it I know that he can sometimes I don’t feel it, but the forgiveness is always available.  As Jesus prayed  over 2000 years ago “Lord forgive them for they do not know what they are doing”

till next time………………………………

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Unseen Illness


Sitting yet in another waiting room…This one is full.  I am at the hospital lab for blood tests and an electrocardiogram.  Its been two weeks since I start the new increase in the pills.  So now I get the test results back in 6 weeks when I  see my doctor.  Try this, try that, but to be honest as I sit here with 25 other people waiting my turn, I wonder why we didn’t do this two years ago?? Through all this trial and error, this is the first time I have had blood work done.  You would have thought I would have had it done first.  Now I have it because the increase in the dose of drugs has side effects that can affect my heart ( somedays I feel like I am jumping from the pot to the fire).  I should be here for another 35 minutes before I see a nurse to take my blood and ekg.  I have already been here for 10 minutes.  I had to fast this morning, and that means no coffee..I love my morning coffee. A unstable person waiting in office for 40 minutes, no coffee – who knows what could happen!! (a little stab at humor)  The lady taking the paperwork looks like if she smiles her face would crack.  I can tell from watching her (and Lord knows I have time to watch) she does not like her job, or does she not like people.  I feel like saying hey dear you have a job be happy, maybe she is suffering like me – and in that case I wouldn’t like dealing with all these people too.

I am feeling a little better today.  I shut my phone off  Monday night I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Tuesday was better, I slept last night – took sleeping pills — it isn’t a solid refreshing sleep but it was sleep and that makes things better.  I will not be taking them tonight – I don’t take them two days in a row. 

I sent my Mother an email asking for forgiveness for not staying on Sunday for supper.  I really didn’t want to be around people.  I told her we had things to do and couldn’t be there and I was so sorry for it.  She emailed me back and told me if I get off the fast track I am living on and take some family time I would be less stressed.  She also said I need to grab these moments to spend time with family cause the time will come where there will be no more moments.  I agree with her on the Moments argument, but you can’t do it all and that is why I came home we had other responsibilities and couldn’t be there.  She thinks I am living life to fast and thus my mental instability.  If  I had a broken leg I would get more leeway in my decisions to do or not do stuff, but this unseen illness is disrespected as “all in your head” (which it is) but I say ‘in your head’ with all the sarcasm I can create, because that is how people who don’t understand or people give it no respect, respond. 

A lady I know was diagnosed with Cancer 10 years ago.  It was not terminal and it was self-contained so there was no drug therapy needed, just an operation to remove it and that was it. I asked her when it was all said and done, what was the one thing that drove her nuts about the whole process.  She said that the one thing that surprised her the most and bugged her was that everyone who found out she had cancer treated her like she was dead.  People thought “well  cancer kills so she will be gone soon, what a shame”.   Some people, who know I have major depression, talk to me like I am two, or in a way that will “not upset me” cause they again don’t understand.   Or every time they see me it’s like –“So how are you doing” with eyes that express pity mixed with a bit horror at the prospect of me flipping out and grabbing a sharp object and killing myself on the spot.  At work I confided in a fellow christian who has been feeling guilty having to give up some committees she was on at church cause she can’t handle it ALL anymore, as she deals with her menopause.  Everyday at least twice a day she asks me “So how Are you doing?”   The devil in me wants to say – “well not good I am going out at lunch and jumping in front of a bus”  That does happen, its nothing to joke about, suicide is a very serious thing.  The reason I bring this up at all is that this Illness and it unlike cancer or any other disease effects your whole life, and people don’t take it seriously.  

In my Mother’s case – “you are involved in too much and you have to get off the fast track life and relax then I won’t need to be on medication and you can get a grip of your life. ” In her case when she faced menopause,  she just decided that she was just going to be happy and that was that!  Other people see it as PMS gone crazy, “oh its just one of those moods” go play guitar and distract yourself it will be fine” .” Go for a run”, “just suck it up buttercup.”   Or “oh she is angry and moody she must hate me!  What is with her? ”  (sister-in-law’s response to a really down weekend I was having)  Or “wow she is a little crazy  and acting weird, just stay away from her”   If I had cancer they would just think I was going to die and leave me alone.  With depression people disregard you, try to ‘save’ you, or pity you.  It’s enough to make you depressed !! (joke)

So as I go through the process of doctor apt’s, blood tests, dealing with life, family, kids, husbands, in-laws, work and trying to hold it together you have this back lash of how people expect you to be and when you don’t measure up they criticise you.  Their expectations are to be witty and funny and bubbly like always.  I can not do it.

 

till next time……………..

 

Tuesday, Pondering Party Day


After taking Tuesday to decide if I was going to follow the doctor’s advice, rules, and medication changes or stay the course.   I had decided to stay the course.  I wasn’t going to give in.  I am in control, so I thought.   I had a great dinner with my friends and husband and then went to a concert down town, I love to go down town.  So much fun, I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed myself.   Two hours, plus of listening to great music with great friends.  It got down to the last 20-30 minutes of the concert I sat down for a minute, and I felt a wave of depression tsunami me.  It came on super fast and frightening way.  I haven’t been frightened in a while.  I am sitting there and my melting mind thought about cutting.  I was thinking there must be a place where no one would know.  This looks so stupid in print.  I can’t believe the idea rushed into my mind, rolled around and was entertained for a bit.  It was a surreal moment in time.  My mind fell into my boots and it was like I was eavesdropping on a conversation.  This seem to last 5 or 10 minutes, and then I was jolted back to normality when I looked around and realized this isn’t a conversation around me, everyone was standing, singing, dancing to the music, the conversation was in my head.  To say I was floored is a sever understatement.  I prayed a silent prayer to God to take this thing away, take the thought away and restore me.  I sat for a moment and jumped up and got myself back into the night.   I was not going to let this hell ruin my night.  I managed to get myself together  after a bit and enjoyed the rest of the night.

As I lay in bed I was very tired, had a few glasses of wine earlier and fell into a toss and turn night, full of weird dreams and restlessness.  I woke this morning and didn’t think of it.  Work, get up get to it, get your daughter to school get lunches in the right hands and off to the office.  It wasn’t till lunch when I had a chance to breath and then remember the evening.  It seemed like a weird dream.  It was a random horrible thought.  It is not a consideration.  I mention this episode because it is just that an episode but it also clinched my decision to follow the doctors medication, rules, follow ups for the next 8 weeks and see where I am.  I guess maybe it was a Blessing I experienced;  when and how I did. I was with safe people, safe place, not alone, and with God’s help pull through it.  I haven’t had any thoughts like that for a long time now, so it seems strange now, but maybe it was a good thing.  I started taking the new meds this morning — so look out next week will be a rocky one.  You can’t mess with these drugs, and any little adjustment sends you over the edge.  The Psyc Doctor called my condition Major Depression Disorder–see definition from web m.d.

” What Is Major Depressive Disorder?

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, major depressive disorder is characterized by a combination of symptoms that interfere with a person’s ability to work, sleep, study, eat, and enjoy once-pleasurable activities.

There are times you may feel sad, lonely, or hopeless for a few days. But major depression — clinical depression — lasts longer and is disabling. It can prevent you from functioning normally, and the disorder can also cause the subject to harm ones self, and suicidal thougths, if left untreated. ”

I don’t like the word Disorder it should be Major Depressive Mind out of Order,  Or MDMOOO for short.  🙂

As far as timing goes it’s a good time to do it / it’s a bad time to do it.  I have lots on my plate.  My Mother is going in for cataract surgery tomorrow,  she just got over a serious bug a week and a bit ago.  I only found out yesterday about the bug.  My idiotic brother knew but figured I was an hour and half away so why bother me. I live too far away.  He got an unpleasant reply from me on that point. I can not express how angry I am about it in this blog  because I wish not to swear in it – but you get the picture.  I have a couple of cousins who are ill one is coming around, one just in for surgery. My son is moving home.  I can’t wait, but it will take a little time to for all of us to adjust to living together again. More stress.   It makes me want to hop in the van and drive till I run out of gas or come to an ocean.  Life is not something to run from so I will sleep tonight, take the meds, work out, do a major cut back on drinking,  go to work, cook for the family, and do what I can to live the life God wants me to.

Just re reading that last paragraph,  very selfish, forgive me.  It’s a mixture of venting, and convincing.  Venting about how my family drives me nuts, and convincing myself I am on the right track.  Will let you know.

till next time. . . . . . . . . . .

Contemplation


I was sitting at lunch today reading a book on anxiety, and how to deal with it. There are no good books out there that I have found dealing with depression. What I have found; christian or otherwise, are books written by educated people, giving advice on a something they have never experienced.
It has been a difficult month. I have been down most of it, with no rhyme or reason. Today I was shopping at Costco, going along no problems, then as I was contemplating my list of stuff, I could feel my heart start to race and my spirits sinking. It was like stepping out in the rain. One second dry; one step soaked.  It makes no sence.

Philippians 4:6-9 NIV

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Our reaction to problems should be first thankfulness and honour to God. To create right thinking and right praying. Depression takes away right thinking, and creates prayers of desperation. When you are trapped in the dark how do you see the light?

1 Corinthians 10:13

13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

The question I can not answer. This depression has led me to depths I could have never fathomed. Where does depression fit in here. Could the chaos of my mind be related to the lack of trust I have in God, I can’t trust myself, I sometimes don’t know what is truth, so what do I trust? Is my lack of trust a sign that I have little faith? This is the great question. How do you reconcile the light and dark of the mind, to the promises of God. Is it wrong for me to assume that with my depression that I can not feel at peace? Or is my peace dependent on God givimg it to me and if I do not feel it – is it because I am doing something wrong.

till next time……

The truth of pain.


Lord do not forsake me, for only by your hand is there clarity. For my mind is a jumble of mixed up thoughts. A pile of mixed up words. Darkness of confusion. As I sit in church and look at your cross I want to see the clarity your word. If God is reaching for man and man is suffering in a pain that the painkillers won’t heal and the doctors do not know how to cure, that the wine does not numb, how do you look at God and see his love. Do I not believe in it? My head says yes I believe in his Love but the pain of suffering can not help but make you think that you are being punished. Forgive my unforgiveness and unbelief, for the pain of the confused mind overshadows truth and love and creates a sink hole of darkness. As I take the body and the blood and kneel at the table of God, my mind is a swirl of light, dark, You want to trust but you feel punished, yet you ask for forgiveness. I do not ask for God to take this pain anymore, I have asked and it is still here. I don’t ask cause I fear disappointment. I know in my head that God’s timing is not mine, but God what ever I am to learn from this, how thick am I that I have not learned it, so this pain can be taken from me. A swirl of thoughts as I kneel at God’s table ….I eat, I drink, I ask for forgiveness, repent, yet when I leave, I do not go in peace. Its no where to be found, and that is the pain. A tight heart of hurt, a grip that never loosens, Drugs that numb you and a mind that thoughts are blank.

till next time……

Doctor Day


Sitting in the waiting room of the hospital for my doctor apt.  I’m having a little trouble calming myself.  I was sitting at home at the  front door waiting to leave, to come here, aware of the passage of time.  How long ago was it that this all started.  How long and winding was the road to this waiting room.  How many dark places did I pass through to get here.  It makes me anxious.  My heart is pounding.   It’s just a dr apt. nothing more than that. Well its a doctor’s apt with a psychiatrist, in the mental health wing of the hospital. 😦  We will  assess my meds and carry on.  Sometimes I sit and think ” is this real… is this really happening to me?  Its made up in my head.”  I am imagining this.  I’m here under false pretense and using up OHIP money that is really needed for someone  else .  But here I am thinking Oh My seriously!  Sigh….. I guess this is shocking to me today cause this is admitting that it is real.  In my little world, in my little house, I can deny it.  Its other people’s issue not mine.  Why is this so hard to accept.  I can handle it when its someone else … I sat in a hallway at school for 20 min last week,  I talked a student down from a panic attack.  Its fear.  I guess maybe fear of the unknown and fear of the places I have been and where it could go.  At this very moment, this second, it is fear of the doctor I haven’t met yet that is 20 min late.

So there are a few of us sitting here, in the waiting room, all looking embarrassed, all staring at floor, no one meets anyone elses eyes,  all saying nothing, all frowning.  There is lots of noise – it is a hospital after all, but its quiet too, suspended time waiting.

********************************************************************

So the doctor comes out, calls my name from the door, 25 feet away.  My first gut response is “shhhhhhhhh! someone will here you.” Is that not the stupidest thing you ever heard?  So I go in,  I think, if there is a couch in there and she asks me to sit on it- or lay down and tell her about my childhood I am bolting.   She is nice, we talk for over two hours,  no couch no bolting.   We talk about my childhood, my marriage, friends, life, work, the dark times, the voices, the anorexia, other things I have inflected upon myself.   Then we stop. We stop, and she looks at me and says nothing.  I am thinking — I don’t know what I am thinking …. we stop and blink at each other.

The Dr says I am suffering from Major Depression.  She tells me there are two drug programs I need to consider, and she tells me that I am in denial and I need to start to group therapy to first accept what I have become, and to develop some more coping strategies.  She also wants me to see my Dr in 3 weeks for all her recommendations and to see her in three months.  Anymore episodes like in November I am to go to the hospital.

blink blink blink.

I leave – go shopping — spend money I don’t have — come home — look amazing from new cloths– feel like I want to cry- can’t cry dam drugs won’t let me.

She wasn’t that short or blunt but that is the short story.  So I guess it is true.  I really am suffering from mental illness.

I have been sitting here staring at the last sentence for the past 15 minutes I have no idea what else to say… so I will leave it here while I consider things.

till next time…………………

lables


so I have said previous post I am down.  It’s not darkness, evil, or anything crowding me its just down.   A pit deep in my heart.  I do not understand why.  But people do not help.  Ignorance to depression and what it means makes me so angry to people who think  Oh just buck up and get a grip!

When my friend’s son killed himself , a friend of mine whose daughter went to school with him and heard his valedictorian speech said Oh ya him well he was a different sort, ya well that makes sence!   How I managed not to hit him is beyond me — I think I was in shock.

My brother this past weekend called me thin-skinned and whiny.  Great!

A friend said I was melancholy this week and maybe it was something some creative outlet would correct.

There was a student at work that was flushed and couldn’t string two words together.  She couldn’t sit in her chair, rolling all over the place.  She suffers from depression and is a cutter.  Her arm was so infected her body was going into shock.  She had also smoked some weed and crack and taken some pain killers.  I didn’t know about the drugs, but I looked into her eyes and saw that she was going into shock probably from the drugs and the infection.  I called the Mom and told her what was happening.  Mom said call an ambulance I’ll meet her at the hospital.  I told went back to the class told the teacher in charge Mom wants an ambulance and I would make the call.  I go to the office. V.P. and Principal look at me cancel the ambulance cause — well what for!  They cancelled it called the Mom re looked at the student –30minutes later call and the police and ambulance drivers show – take her -and she spent the night in the psych ward and is now hooked up with the right people to help her.  Bottom line is — mental illness is not a serious illness —

Its bad enough to feel crazy and unsure it’s another for stupid people to make you feel worthless cause of an illness they don’t understand and you can’t control.

till next time…………….