Psycohology of the unstable mind

The psychology of mental illness, that sounds like it contradicts its self, it’s the psychology that fixes mental illness.  Psychology is an academic and applied discipline that involves the scientific study of mental functions and behaviors.  It is the behaviors and the study of mental illness that leads to is cures, its medicines.  We know it is a chemical malfunction that creates the depression. It is a chemical malfunction that creates a cancer cell to grow.   But what kind of chemical malfunction takes a person to want to hurt oneself.  The process of the mentally ill seem to follow the same pattern.  We can see documentation, story after story of how people went from one level to another level to another level to cross into actions that are as unthinkable to a healthy person as they are to the unhealthy. The question then becomes, what is the underlying condition, problem, or situation to lead an unstable person to the next level of self-destruction?

When I was a little girl listening to the radio I couldn’t figure out why all the songs on the radio talked about love?  I was 10 I knew I was loved, I knew that I was in a safe place full of love.  Why were there all these songs about wanting love, getting love, losing love?  To put life in its grandiose terms, life is love.  The fruit of the spirit is;

Galatians 5:22-23

New International Version (NIV)

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

The fruits of depression are the opposite of Gods Fruits.  There is no peace or joy in depression, only sadness and hurt.  Forbearance, Kindness Goodness, is unattainable because of the pain in one’s heart that they can not see around.  Does the depressed person know they are loved by God, Yes they do but it does not stop undesirable actions that can not be controlled.  This leads to the next part.  gentleness and self-control.   Anger and disgust are the two most powerful emotions that grab onto the heart, it is the self-hatred that dominates all actions regardless if rational or not rational.  To cut ones self is an unnatural act, we naturally hate pain, and do anything to keep from being uncomfortable.  The rational of a depressed person in pain with in, wants to only match the pain on the outside by cutting at ones own skin, or any other harmful actions.  It is an act of hatred, self loathing, and the person unbalanced sees every thing in the house as a potential weapon to their inward pain. Kitchen knives, scissors, razors, any thing with an edge and the depressed individual is looking at what a normal person would see as an unsafe item, the depressed person is making a mental note to remember that ‘thing’ could come in handy when the state of mind becomes clouded with pain, and panic.

Its interesting; when you go on vacation, we go camping you set up and you put up your tarp, you relax have a beer and spend the next hour soaking in the peace and joy of being in nature and enjoying a beer, your reward for hard work.  If you relax your body with yoga it’s not a 5 minute thing, it’s a process of breathing, concentrating, relaxing, it is not a sudden emotion or state of mind.  When you become angry, or feel in danger or have a panic attack it is sudden, powerful and on some levels thrilling.  The depressed person who cuts finds it a relief to be able to punish oneself in  another way, to satisfy the angry voices in the head.  The thrill leaves when the person moves beyond the crisis and wakes up the next morning seeing the destruction the person has caused.  Embarrassed, and disgusted with the actions the person falls even more into a hole.

It is not a isolated development.  If you read blogs, stories, books, of people and the depression journey they have been on, the self destruction is bound to turn up sometime.  How do you stop it. grab the person by the hands and don’t let go.  No human spoken word can cure it, Can the word of God stop it I know that he can sometimes I don’t feel it, but the forgiveness is always available.  As Jesus prayed  over 2000 years ago “Lord forgive them for they do not know what they are doing”

till next time………………………………



In the evening the birds praise God from tops of trees

In the evening the trees reach closer to the Lord.

In the dark the night becomes dim

For the way of the Lord can be crowded by the night

The warmth chased by the cold

The love chased by the emptiness

The edge of despair, cuts through the body

It ebbs and flows in a substitute reality

Of pain, Of cold

In a place of no pain, no feeling, no joy.


Movement, a stretch, a sway, a bend.

Wanting,  to move but the limbs are depend

Previous scars from winds gone by,

make the heart want to cry.

Reaching to the sky the limbs rise high

But to the depths they soon die.

The wind swirls and flies.

Its freedom no one can deny.

Its freedom, the limbs try,

Through the limbs the wind does blow.

Cutting to the depth and makes scares not so old.

It comes as a affront to what was there.

An affront one can not bear.

Movement, stretch, sway and bend.

But today there is an end.

The stars Aligned

Its been a week or so since I written.   I have been doing a few things.  Praying, I haven’t done that much. I even avoided the last prayer meeting I was to go to a while back with my Pastor, but I couldn’t get out that night, I couldn’t do it.  Not going, was like having to go spend time with your Mother-in-law and hating every minute of it.  Spending time with God is not like that — I was in a mood. 

I went to the doctors and was told I have Major Depression with psychosis ( like I didn’t know already—been told more that once) the blood work and the hormone test, eeg, my B12, my iron alllllll normal.  I am perfect health!  Which is good to know cause I am taking all this medication twice a day -_-   I am overweight and need to lose 20 lbs.  -_-   So as I predicted nothing new– told here is your prescription for the next 3 months, see you then, lose weight.   I was angry for a few days, actually I was down right pissed off.   I don’t know what I was hoping for, or maybe that was the problem, I had hope.  I was still adjusting to the adjustment of the drugs, and was down for maybe a week after that but things started to lighten. 

I had my birthday, had a beautiful dinner with my family.  All the stars aligned and we had a fun time, no fights between children, we laughed and talked  through out dinner like we hadn’t seen each other for days, it was great.  The next weekend was my husbands birthday and father day and we spent another dinner out with the kids and it was wonderful and we really enjoyed it and the stars aligned two weekends in a row it was great.  To end off the weekend we sat in my back yard withour best friends having a fire, hot tub and swim.  We talked and laughed what seemed for hours.  I actually felt more like me.  The laughter came easy and flowed.   It was one of the most uplifting moments I have felt in a long time.  It was a relief on so many levels.

So for now I will stay on the meds. Keep going the course and see how things go.  I have been praying and meditating on what I should do– start reducing my meds or leave it.   I am leaving it for now.  I feel good today, if things keep this way – I would like to have a summer and feel relatively normal, for a change.   My hope, but in this boat its like riding a river you don’t know, sometimes the water is calm sometimes you run into rapids.   I will take the calm for now, and refresh my soul.

till next time…………………..


Back to Reality

Fishing weekend over – it was great, I so enjoyed sitting on the water, soaking in the sun, and hanging out.  I did not catch the first fish 😦 but my husband caught the first two, so one for me and one for him.  My friend says he caught more but I don’t think so!  It will be our ongoing argument till the next time we go fishing.

Back to reality, work and all that goes along with it.  Its been a frustrating week and its only Tuesday, but that is strictly related to work issues. Nothing earth shattering just the usual, difficult people or people getting in your way from doing your work.  Just like any other work environment across the country. 

A few days till doctor day.  I am sure it will be not big thing, but my curiosity is still there wondering what is what.  I just hope I can find out something — other than “yes you have major depression and psychosis”, I know!! I want options, or maybe I will find out there are no options, suck it up butter cup and hope like hell those around me can tollerate the strange me.

This week I have been very tired.  My husband keeps finding me asleep on the couch, in the evening, in the middle of the night, sleeping in past the alarm, I’m like a sleepy cat, you find me anywhere curled up in a ball.   I can’t seem to get enough and then I have been sleeping at lunch too.  Being tired makes things I have to do feel overwhelming, and then I get anxious.   Needless to say my work outs this week have been sad.  Monday I did a full cardio workout and my buddy I work out with was like “wow I have never seen you struggle so much” ya thanks!  I know I am whining but I am tired –ok– 😉  

As Gilda Radner said “there is always something”.   Some days I sleep, some weeks I don’t.  Life is a series of ups and downs, hurry up and wait.   If you really think about it what is normal, I would like to substitute my reality with normality, but really who knows what that is.

On the up side, it was my birthday and my daughter who is a typical 16 year selfcentered teenager, was so sweet to me and huggy on my birthday it is still making me smile.  I think I have told her how much she means to me and how happy she has made me.  Happy sigh! it was nice.

till next time…………………….