So I am sitting at my desk, feeling so helpless I can almost not stand it.  At the high school I work at there is a kid who is in danger of hurting herself. The meeting with the Dad and the Child is in the office next to my desk.   I hear the social worker, the guidance councillor, the VP ( who really doesn’t understand anything about mental health) needling her, about why she feels it necessary to cut herself, and say things like “I want to die”  It is keeping all my strength to stay in my chair and not yell at them.  They are offering her all kinds of agencies she can go, to and doctors to see. (not that that is a bad thing) They are telling her to just stop what she is doing and work hard at school and get sleep and all will be ok.  I know they are doing the best they can, and some help is better than no help, even if they are saying all the wrong things.  How does a 16 year old know how to turn it off?  She doesn’t .  She needs doctors and meds to help her.  Telling her to stop is not going to make the pain deep inside of her, go away, telling her to stop is not going to make her want to stop from making the outside,  look how she is feeling on the inside.   It pains me to see a beautiful girl in such pain.  Endless meetings with the whole crew saying just stop, is only making her feel more like a freak, she has that mastered. 

On the other hand – I look at her and I think grab all the help you can grab, cause when you become a grown up – you want no one to know anything about your problems.  You can get passed over for promotions, you are treated differently by your peers, you are scrutinized by your bosses if you take a sick day from work, it can ruin your professional life. 

It is such a shame that our society is so cruel.  A teen or young adult gets all the help they need but an adult is look at like they are a leper.  Dramatic talk I know, but lets look at it this way.  We are launching a huge mental health education program for all Peel Schools.   The schools program team leader was making coffee just before going into a meeting.  She was telling me how happy she was to be organizing this and how much help it was going to be for the students of the school.  I told her it was a great thing , I asked her “what the team was doing for staff.  We are putting all these programs and education ideas for the students but were they setting anything up for the staff.”  She got excited and told me she” had some great classes set up for the staff on how to handle the students.”  I said “No I mean what about staff that are suffering from mental illness – is she planning anything for them”.  “Why would we do that?  They shouldn’t be working with kids if they are ill.“  she walked away.  No one wants to talk about it as an adult.  Don’t get me wrong, coping strategies and  letting kids know how they can be helped is a huge and important thing, I totally support all that this women is hoping to achieve and set up.  However, are we also teaching that once your an adult- put it underground.  Don’t tell your boss, your peers, keep it between you, your doctors and maybe your best friends. I was discussing this with a fellow depression sufferer and he was very insistent  “You do not tell anyone about  starving, cutting or hurting yourself to anyone,  they will put you in the hospital and treat you like a animal” He should know he has been there.

I am writing this particular blog because, I want those who feel lost, or the person who feels they have no where to turn to,; to know we may not shout it from the roof tops, but we are here for you.  There are adults suffering just like you.    The silence of a illness that people do not understand is not something to be ashamed of, it happens, it happens to a lot of us, and if we stick together and talk about it in the social media of things – even if anonymously.  Get it out there and don’t feel alone.

I don ‘t want to be here — I don’t want the ebb and flow of this illness take me over

I don’t want this feeling of pain….. I don’t want to be sad or risk the other things that happen when I fall

I am so damn tired of feeling up and down feeling ok and sad, feeling ok and slipping.

if this is boot camp, if this is testing, if this is God refining me, tonight I do not wish to be there

I am tired, does it finish? does it end?  God is my father, and I wish for healing, but he knows best.

So I am still in boot camp, am I being refined? I don’t want to be here any more.

The pain is too deep, the pain is too sharp.  What the hell am I to learn from this.

I know God is my father, I am his child.  God takes all and uses it to his good. And God’s timing is not mine.

I do not know how this tempers me—- for it feel nothing but pain.

I had a massage today.  It was a little over an hour, and it was one of the best I have ever had.  My masseuse was this little Asian lady with the strength of the hulk, she worked out all the knots from working out.  The greatest thing about a massage is the hour of having your thoughts to yourself.   I love the fact that when you have a massage you are stuck in one place for an hour, you have nothing to do but breath, and receive the pampering.  I find the experience meditative.  So as I relaxed myself into being kneaded into a ball of dough, I made a point of breathing to the action of the massage and meditating on the Holy Spirit.  I have not prayed much, I have avoided spending time with God because I don’t want to be disappointed.  This illness ebbs and flows and when I feel better — then I feel bad.  I spent the first part of the hour asking God to come to me.  I needed my father to come close and lead me.  I prayed forgiveness, I prayed for a message, I asked for God to lead me.

This is huge for me, when depression over takes us, we go through so many processes that I can’t even describe what happens most times.  Let me summarize— if you have read previous blogs, the devil and darkness comes close to hide the light of God, logic, ability to take care of yourself, and basic love.  Love of those around you, love of self.  The darkness lies, yells steadily at you, it makes you paranoid that you are no good, unlovable, unacceptable.  It drowns out logic and God’s gentle whisper.  The first year it not only frightened me, it completely turned my happy, God fearing, trusting, ‘normal’ life upside down.  My mind rebelled and I realized I could not trust it – or anything.  To be numb and reject everything works best because it keeps all hurt outside of the raw, torn parts.  What did I realize today????? I realized I forgot someone.  And I remembered something.  I forgot that the holy spirit lives with in me.  simple statement – but think about it.  The spirit was with God when he created the world, he is part of the Triune God, Father Son Holy Spirit or Councillor.  The spirit lives with in me.  I forget about him.  If the body is a temple of God, the Spirit is the Guest living with in, because I am a believer.  The sins I do against my body I do against the Spirit.   Another thought—- the bible says that where two or more are together in the name of the Lord God is also with us, or Jesus is with us.  We are born a single person.  We are born a single child of God — does God or Jesus only come when two or more people are together??? Yes but here is a thought.  If the spirit lives with in you would not you and the spirit = 2.   Think about it.    The spirit lives with in when we believe.  The spirit groans for us when we can not articulate what we want to say to God.  The spirit is apart of the triune God, there when the word created and when the word became flesh and continues to be near us, with in us.  This isn’t anything new — the bible tells me so.  The point to all of this??????!!!!!!! I have ignored the spirit.   I have seen the darkness around me and acknowledged it.  I have felt the fear, I have  see the darkness sit beside me, I have felt it enclose my heart and I have heard it yell in my head.  I have let the darkness over shadow the Spirit, and I have not seeked it.  I need to call upon my prayer partner when I feel over whelmed and helpless and alone and in pain.  Maybe I can shut down the darkness that follows me…. it may never go away but I need to lessen it.

I have also been thinking about “the word”  I think our words are stronger than we think. ” in the beginning was the word, and the word was with God and the word was God”  Look at the commandments.  Love the Lord God with all your heart all your soul and all your mind.  – the mind is where the words come from.  thou shall not lie, thou shall not swear.  George Carlton, God bless him, was a really funny comedian.  He had a comity bit on the words you never say on TV.  I will not repeat them……….. google if you must know.  But he also stated why would society create this short list of words that we can not say.  They are made up of letters like all words, why are they bad?  Have you ever heard anyone say, I don’t mean to curse them,  but I think this person is heading into — what ever ( you fill in the blanks) problems.  We sometimes state ideas and the come true. My Dad always said ” I don’t want to be one of those guys who retire and die two years later cause they don’t find someway to be useful ”  Dad dies two years after he retired.  Did he kill himself?  No but it makes you go Hmmmmm.  If God can speak us into existence and we are made in God’s image, would it not make sense that our words are way more powerful than we think?

Words have the power to build someone up, we use words to pray to God, we use words to state our beliefs, we use words to tell others we love them, we use words to communicate who Jesus is, we use words to sing praises to God.  you can see where I am going here.

Lets look at the other side of the coin.  We use words to break down people, belittle them.  We use words to curse, embarrass, cut down people.  We use words to swear, hurt, injure people.  We use words to cut down the Lord and what he is and done for us.  We use words against people and by doing all these things give power to the devil.

The bible is clear on the use of words and warns us about making oaths to God.  In case we put ourselves in a situation where you try to bargain with God.

Loving words covers those around us with warm blankets of protection.  Angry words sends blanket of barbwire around people, and evil angry words sends arrows in to the heart of those we wish to hurt.

It is late and I need my sleep, I actually slept   7 hours last night – for a change.  So I want to try again

more on words

till next time…………………………..

Reading Gensis 37 the life of Joseph.  Joseph son of Jacob, turned on by his brothers, stripped of his cloths, beaten, thrown in a pit, and left there till he was sold a slave.  A dysfunctional family, complete with betrayal, cover up and cheating.  These are the great grandsons of Abraham, the family line that Jesus would be born from and they sound like a show off of Jerry Springer.  So whose life is normal.  The Pit Joseph lay in is no different from any of the pits we all lay in.  His was a cistern, mine is an illness-hole, others may be addictions, or a bad marriage, loneliness, everyone has their pits.  The one thing all pits have in common they are all hard to get out of, and are all deep, dark, and scary. In Joseph’s case he came out of his pit and 20 years later found his brothers in a pit of starvation.  It is  very easy to look at this story and say “well yes God took what was intended evil and made it good. ” In the end the family came together, wounds were healed, starvation ended.  This happened over the majority of a life time for this family.  Even though Joseph went through a series of events that took him from slavery and prison to the second in command. In that time Joseph’s heart was worn raw with disloyalty, lies, hardness of others hearts, and pure evil.   This was the first time I thought of this story in this light.  The pits we all deal with are deep and scary, but somewhere, somewhere there is an opening and in that opening a light.

I may not always believe strongly in God, there are times when the darkness of the pit blocks the sun, but on a dark and cloudy, stormy, night there is always sunlight beyond the clouds and sometimes you need to keep looking in the dark to eventually see the light.  Sometimes climbing out of the pit means we fall and dirt gets in our eyes and dispar enters our hearts.   A friend told me recently to” just trust in God there is nothing left beyond the grief and pain there is only trust in God.”  My first reaction was; that is the problem there is no trust., no trust at all.  But I think it is more a case of this eeb and flow of the pain of depression hardens your resolve.  I know these things of God, I know he knows what is best for me is in the light is beyond the dark clouds.  But when I am seeing the sun and feel refreshed and happy and standing in the warmth of a beautiful day, like a soul that has survived a tornado a small dark speck of a cloud on the horison, clinchs the heart and instead of embracing the sun; you acknowledge it with a nod and keep the heart numb cause if the heart is numb it is not worn down, and maybe this time the pit will not be so deep, and the dark not so dark, if you stay in a numb state of denial of both light and dark. 

We are impatient people – How frustrated God must be with this generation.  We have everything at our fingertips and we complain bitterly when it is not. People in the bible waited for years and years for God to fulfill his promises, sometimes we can’t wait till we finish praying to see the answer we want.  The story of Joseph shows us how God’s plans worked out.  It gives us a frame-work to study him, to see of Satan‘s logic is evil and simple, destroy the line of Jesus destroy the chance of the son of man being born.  We see also God’s faithfulness, and through the fear Joseph managed to climb out of his pit, into the sun.

We fear.    We fear that the depression will never lift, the yelling will never stop, the pain will never leave.  Here in the pits, surrounded by steep walls and angry brothers, we wonder, Will this gray sky ever brighten? the load ever lighten? We feel stuck trapped, locked in,  Predestined for failure, will we ever exit this pit? Yes, for in the bible God shows us all the pits and how all were delivered.  Daniel from the lion’s den, Peter from prison, Jonah from the whales belly, David from Goliath, grave for Lazarus, Prison for Paul.

Isaiah 43:2 

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you

And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you

When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned

Nor shall the flame scorch you.

The fear may not leave, the pain may persist for now, you just need to trust God, read of his deliverances and pray. I most ly pray that God forgive my unbelief, in the darkness of the storm.

till next time……………

its 2 am, Friday night, can’t sleep.

Thinking about fear.  ever hear of the phrase damn if you do damn if you don’t.  I feel that way.  I have some people who come to me and say — wow you did all that!   you know you should not take on so much.  To volunteer to do something isn’t hard.  Dealing with other things is hard.  Dealing with a project isn’t hard, dealing with a teenage daughter pms-ing is hard.  There are things I can cope with and things I can not.  I cant cope with emotional strain.  Projects, and working hard I can deal with.  People and emotions are harder.  I have a 50th anniversary to go to tomorrow, I have been dreading it all week.  I am afraid of my Aunt who doesn’t like me that much, I am afraid she …….I don’t know what she will do.  I am just  anxious about it.

I am afraid that my daughter’s anti God phase will not end, I am afraid that this illness will last forever. I am afraid my husband will leave me, I am afraid that my best friends will reject me who wants to hang with a emotional wreck,, I am afraid that my Mother will live for the next 10 years.  That one may seem weird, and sick, My Mother is 79 this year, and slowing down.  I have a blind brother and a brother that doesn’t talk to the family — my father is passed so I am the only capable child to look after her.  the next 10 years will be difficult, for one thing she is getting older and I get to witness the strongest woman I know slow down.  I have to look after her, and I am the one she leans on.  Sometimes I think my Dad got off easy.  Die at the age of 67 you are healthy to carry on, but if God calls you well you don’t put the family in a position to decide all your ending moments and which one of God’s waiting rooms to put you in.

I have been thinking of my brother that doesn’t talk to us.  Calvin a self centered guy, even as a child, turning his back on my family – he left us emotionally and physically when my son was 5.  He doesn’t know my daughter, He cares less about his own daughter, and has broken my heart.  Thinking about him tonight I see how he has effected me and I think about our lives as kids, and the hole he has created not only between me and him but between me and my cousins . It is a great heartache that doesn’t go away.  No amount of praying, pleading, wishing, and giving it to God takes away the pain of losing someone who isn’t dead. Death and its acceptance is easier than the death of a live person.   

Just feeling sad tonight.  Wondering if there is a God that cares.  My friend says Trust in God what else do you have……That is just it… tonight there is no trust.  I pray for people for years and there is no change.  Friends die that have been prayed for — and the answer is death?????  I pray for miracles and see despair.  This is what the devil wants me to believe.  In my head I know God is capable , but in my heart — the trust is not there…

till next time………..

Well here we are another week.  The weather has been nice – sunny – and mild which helps boost the mood,  and I have been sleeping more.  Not quality but more.  I get more than 2 or 3 hours, but I toss a lot and I don’t wake up feeling refreshed.  That would be great!  I know as women we are always tired.  Kids, work, house, keeps us on our toes; but I just feel drained.  Its takes a lot of effort to drag myself out of bed and as the day goes on, I feel like my skin and muscles are just done for, reless.  Sorry I can’t think of a correct word to describe how they feel, maybe numb is a good word.  This deep exhaustion can’t be good for me.  But there is no rest for the wicked. 

I have to go to my Aunts for a 5oth wedding anniversary, My Mom really wants me to be there, so Me and my husband will head that way.  It’s over 2 hours away in Clinton, on the nice side its a nice long drive to see the fall colours, on the bad side its a long drive, which kills the day of Sat.  At least we don’t leave till noon so I get a little sleep in. 

Depression wise, I can’t say I am singing and dancing, I can say it doesn’t have me in its grip so tight this week.  That is the best way to put it.  A lighter grip.

My Faith?  ? I can say that people have been telling me their fears and heartaches lately – I seem to be the one everyone talks to at work, and I can relate to them how God is working in their lives and how he is the one in control. Soemtimes it rolls off the tongue like a prerehursed speech,  I walk away feel ing  like a hypocrite.  I tell them I will pray for them, only to walk away thinking “why do I say that– I hate when people do that to me”–cause 9 times out of 10 its just a comment to imply you care, but a great conversation ender–don’t think I am mean– if you have said it — you sometimes mean it that way.   The true christian thing it to is just pray right there and then.  But I’ve not done much of that lately myself, and after the last episode I am feeling less like I want to.   Every episode seems to take a little more of my faith and confidence.  Some days I don’t know what to think.  So I don’t think.  I push the thoughts that trouble me away and think about things like– watering plants in my garden, laundry, books I would like to read, daydearms  or anything else but what begs to be thought of.  Maybe its just part of being tired.

till next time…….