I boldly wrote the title new beginnings, I am afraid to write that – incase I relapse. So maybe I should say new beginnings for now!!….. , nothing is a forever thing– except God. I am feeling like a new person. Still unsure of myself but in a way better place. I asked the question last blog what does it mean? or does it have to mean anything? Not everything in life needs to mean something, but the depression and the darkness and how really dark the place I was in means nothing, then I am an idiot.
I had a rough time connecting that I was a Christian and I was depressed. Those things are like mixing dish soap with vodka and calling it a bubbly drink. Does not compute. The more I think about this the more they do go together. Is it not darkness that God fights against. The prince of this world lost the heavenly battle, in heaven and was thrown here on earth. Jesus made sure that his death disconnected our sin from our Father and Lord. You can not look for the light without seeing the darkness. I got a heavy dose of darkness. The dark holes I fell into, anxeria, cutting, anger, despair, how they dragged me to the depths of the darkness. I have developed knowledge of things I suspected existed, but now know personally. Christian’s are supposed to be loved by a loving God, a forgiving Father, a protector, our friend, our leader, the creator, endless, with no beginning and no ending. So how does one fall into a dark place with a loving God. That question can go further, one of the hardest questions ever to be answered on this earth. Why does a loving God allow bad things to happen. Where is he when the lights go out, and the evil comes in.
I do not claim to have the answer but some s.
God gave me a vision, as clear as the computer I am typing on right now. I was in a bubble, surrounded in the bubble by the darkness and pain, doubt, loneliness, the dark beings that threaten to drag me down and everything I went through in the depths of the depression. I in the bubble am almost a skeleton, skinless flesh hanging on bones, weak, disfigured. Dark swirls flowing over this bit of flesh and bones, it was not quiet. You could hear the crys of pain, the screams of the darkness, the wind of the confusion, moving a 100 km an hour tossing the bits of flesh and bone around in a torrent of a storm that looked as though it was about to drown the victim. As my view was taken back you could see all of this ragging of a bubble. It was small. It was held in large large hands. In the hands that were strong and rugged, yet you could see they were soft and caring. The hands held the bubble carefully. The face – though I did not see it, but I have an impression of sadness for the flesh and bones in the bubble. It watched as I struggled and fought the darkness. As I was struggling he never turned his face from me, I was the most important thing for him to watch. He never put me down, he held my bubble in his large strong hands. protected and safe. We all end up in a bubble. Some bubbles are our own cause. We eat too much, drink too much, live for our pleasures, money, prestige, immorality, drive recklessly, live recklessly. Some of our bubbles are put on us, cancer, illness, depression, death. We are put in them but the cause ourselves.. it is environmental, cancer from chemicals in our world, illness that is incurable, depression of chemical imbalance, or just our heart desiring more and more of everything. We become hoarders of pleasure. What ever the bubble – we are all held in the hand of God and he surrounds us and is waiting for us to break through. Never not looking Never not caring Never gone away. You may wonder – well if the bubble is in the hand of God why doesn’t he break the bubble? Bubbles are strong and yes you need God to break them. He is waiting for you to look at him to break it. My bubble lasted 3 years – but I had a lot to learn and experience to break the bubble. That may sound silly but hey be thankful the hands don’t smack together and wipe the bubbles off like dirt. We get out of our bubbles on his terms not ours– he is in control.
In my vision the bubble broke, bits of flesh on the bones looked like a wet rat. it stood there arms out stretched to its side with a look of bewilderment on its face, free at last.
Last Post I mentioned a pop sound. My bubble broke on God’s terms. In the beginning before all this depression started I was standing on my deck facing a August morning sun, warm and peaceful. Arms out stretched thanking God for my family and all he has given me and how I don’t deserve any of it and how much I loved him and bathed in the peace of love of God. My pop happened when I stood in Church arm out stretched a few weeks ago, Thanking God for my life, and my children and husband, Thanking God for the truth of the bible and Yes he is real and endless and giving up all my doubts settling on him as Lord and reminding myself of my place, face down at the foot of the cross forever worshipping God…………………………………pop
till next time