New Beginnings

I boldly wrote the title new beginnings, I am afraid to write that – incase I relapse. So maybe I should say new beginnings for now!!….. , nothing is a forever thing– except God. I am feeling like a new person.  Still unsure of myself but in a way better place.  I asked the question last blog what does it mean? or does it have to mean anything?  Not everything in life needs to mean something, but the depression and the darkness and how really dark the place I was in means nothing, then I am an idiot. 

I had a rough time connecting that I was a Christian and I was depressed.  Those things are like mixing dish soap with vodka and calling it a bubbly drink.  Does not compute.  The more I think about this the more they do go together.  Is it not darkness that God fights against.  The prince of this world lost the heavenly battle, in heaven and was thrown here on earth.  Jesus made sure that his death disconnected our sin from our Father and Lord.  You can not look for the light without seeing the darkness. I got a heavy dose of darkness.  The dark holes I fell into, anxeria, cutting, anger, despair, how they dragged me to the depths of the darkness.  I have developed knowledge of things I suspected existed, but now know personally.  Christian’s are supposed to be loved by a loving God, a forgiving Father, a protector, our friend, our leader, the creator, endless, with no beginning and no ending.  So how does one fall into a dark place with a loving God. That question can go further, one of the hardest questions ever to be answered on this earth. Why does a loving God allow bad things to happen. Where is he when the lights go out, and the evil comes in.

I do not claim to have the answer but some s.

God gave me a vision, as clear as the computer I am typing on right now.  I was in a bubble, surrounded in the bubble by the darkness and pain, doubt, loneliness, the dark beings that threaten to drag me down and everything I went through in the depths of the depression. I in the bubble am almost a skeleton, skinless flesh hanging on bones, weak, disfigured. Dark swirls flowing over this bit of flesh and bones, it was not quiet. You could hear the crys of pain, the screams of the darkness, the wind of the confusion, moving a 100 km an hour tossing the bits of flesh and bone around in a torrent of a storm that looked as though it was about to drown the victim.  As my view was taken back you could see all of this ragging  of a bubble.  It was small.  It was held in large large hands.  In the hands that were strong and rugged, yet you could see they were soft and caring.  The hands held the bubble carefully.  The face – though I did not see it, but I have an impression of sadness for the flesh and bones in the bubble. It watched as I struggled and fought the darkness.  As I was struggling he never turned his face from me, I was the most important thing for him to watch.  He never put me down, he held my bubble in his large strong hands. protected and safe.  We all end up in a bubble.  Some bubbles are our own cause. We eat too much, drink too much, live for our pleasures, money, prestige, immorality, drive recklessly, live recklessly. Some of our bubbles are put on us, cancer, illness, depression, death.  We are put in them but the cause ourselves..  it is environmental, cancer from chemicals in our world, illness that is incurable, depression of chemical imbalance, or just our heart desiring more and more of everything. We become hoarders of pleasure.  What ever the bubble – we are all held in the hand of God and he surrounds us and is waiting for us to break through.  Never not looking Never not caring Never gone away. You may wonder – well if the bubble is in the hand of God why doesn’t he break the bubble? Bubbles are strong and yes you need God to break them.  He is waiting for you to look at him to break it.  My bubble lasted 3 years – but I had a lot to learn and experience to break the bubble.  That may sound silly but hey be thankful the hands don’t smack together and wipe the bubbles off like dirt. We get out of our bubbles on his terms not ours– he is in control.

In my vision the bubble broke, bits of flesh on the bones looked like a wet rat.  it stood there arms out stretched to its side with a look of bewilderment on its face, free at last.

Last Post I mentioned a pop sound.  My bubble broke on God’s terms.  In the beginning before all this depression started I was standing on my deck facing a August morning sun, warm and peaceful.  Arms out stretched thanking God for my family and all he has given me and how I don’t deserve any of it and how much I loved him and bathed in the peace of love of God.  My pop happened when I stood in Church arm out stretched a few weeks ago, Thanking God for my life, and my children and husband, Thanking God for the truth of the bible and Yes he is real and endless and giving up all my doubts settling on him as Lord and reminding myself of my place, face down at the foot of the cross forever worshipping God…………………………………pop

till next time



Around the bend

I haven’t written in a while, for a number of reasons. I have been busy, work, holidays, kids, to be honest I haven’t had anything to write about. My friends would say “you are speechless??” with looks of disbelief on their faces. truly I have been feeling good and haven’t been down. Well there was one Sunday I was feeling sad, but that has been all. I have faithfully been taking my vitamines– the handful twice a day and I was just at the Naturopath last night and she prescribed a couple more. I am sure some of you are thinking — she is just selling you pills of who knows what! But here is the thing. Its working. My adrenals have been low almost non existant over 8 months ago now I am a shade under normal. I am not as tired, I am exercising lots and feeling strong. The plus side is that my Psyc Dr. prescribed my ciprolex at 30 mg’s which my family doctor said she would never prescribe more than 20mg. I decreased my dose over the past eight months to 10mg. still feeling good. I do not advise you playing with your meds, but I know how I feel when things are wrong and when things are good and I am good. My husband says I am laughing way more, and I even had a lady at church stop me and ask how I was doing cause I looked so good. My best friend says she can see the difference in my face. Which begs the question, how bad did I look! You know I had a thought when I was going through the worst of the darkness, I would look at myself and say this illness is wrecking my good looks, its bringing my face down and it will never be good. I have never admitted that to anyone. At the time I thought “oh how vain are you?” and follow that thought up with something unpleasant in my thought process.

It’s a strange thing, one day I just felt better, and at first I was afraid it was the high before the fall, but it wasn’t. When I have certain thoughts they are followed up by colour or shapes, something descriptive. As I was contemplating this illness and how I was at that moment, I got an image of large hands, I was in the hands, I was the size of a tiny mouse, I was inclosed in a bubble, it was dark and had swirls of smoke in it. It looked grimy and dirty, it was the world of depression, the fear and uglyness of the disease swirling around me, and suddenly the bubble popped. I heard a distinct pop. Suddenly I was standing in a study, it had wood paneling, and large heavy wooden desk in the middle of the room. I was standing beside the desk, I felt like I had been swimming and swimming and was standing there unsteady and shell-shocked. There was a person standing at the desk – on the opposite side of where you would sit, bent over sifting through papers. The person didn’t look up continued to sift through the papers and quietly said ” hi there”, like it was a natural and everyday thing. I didn’t reply I simply just felt. I felt the warmth of the room, and the wash of homecoming. And then it was gone. I realized that I felt different, that a corner had been turned, a light switched on, I had passed something.

A few weeks later

Since I wrote the above paragraphs a few weeks ago I have not stopped thinking about that pop. I don’t understand all that it represents or may never will. I think God has put me through something increadibly hard, and now I am past the trama, I am feeling stronger. I still feel like I need to tread lightly, I am a new being and need to adjust. LIke coming home after a long trip and need to get used to being home. I woke up.

So what does it all mean? or does it mean anything? I am not the first person to go through depression and I will not be the last . Things to ponder..

till next time.