Sunday night


Sitting in the back seat of our van – its Saturday noon, my husband is driving my son is back from college and sitting beside him. We are on our way to my Mom’s to pick her up and then head to a family party in London.  I have no energy, I do not want to be here I don’t want to go to London, I want to stay home.  My niece is here from Vancouver and her husband and her baby.   It will be nice to see her but I am anxious about being around a lot of people.   I feel like the world on my shoulders, I am not happy I am not happy with me, I have put on a little weight I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin.  I don’t like my hair, my wardrobe or anything.  I am fighting the negative voices in my head, but at this moment I just want to cry.  I am anxious, tired and sad, I don’t want to curse the day, but its going to be a hell of a day.  So what am I going to do– what I have to do — suck it up put on my pokerface and be wonderful, but inside it will be wwII.

Later Saturday,

Now on our way to London- Mother in the van.  I curled up in the back of the van and slept for the hour it takes to get to Mom’s, feeling not so tired but still anxious.  In the small talk I had with Mom she announces that we are invited to dinner Sunday Night.  First I heard of it, or maybe I just forgot.  I disappoint my Mom by saying we can’t stay, I didn’t realize she was planning a family dinner.  I get a Mom look –oops in the bad books again.  We head to the party.  I small talk with my relatives and other people who are there I haven’t seen in a while.  I take a bathroom break after a bit and only an hour and half has passed.  I am done with all of this, my mind is screeming can we go home now?  I pry myself from the bathroom back outside.  I find a nice seat in the sun and talk to an Aunt about all the things I can think of about my kids and husband.   I have my sunglasses on so no one can see my sad eyes, small mercies.  There are a bunch of us that play guitar, my friend brings his out, we all get ours out, me too.  Whew we sit and play for a couple of hours, laugh at the funny songs my friend sings, and I can veg and strum away, its hard to talk when you are playing guitar. Everyone loves listening to us jam.  Perfect!

Dinner time – finally — we eat and have cake – My Mother makes pies — I eat two pieces they are so good but feel guilty for my increasing waist line.   Some of the older people start to leave.  Mom is an older person maybe we should leave too.  She has had a really busy day she is getting tired so we leave.  I drive.  I was very good at not drinking so I take the wheel.  Get to my Mothers 50 minutes away, my son wants to drive the other hour 40 minutes home.  We were suppose to stay over night, Mom gives me another disappointing look.  I am thinking I want to go home and lock myself in my room.  I use my son’s insistents as an excuse and we leave get home at 10pm. Praise God.

It is the first time that I have felt that way at a party before.  Usually I go in, feel good, talk to everyone and about the time I should be leaving I have had enough of people and its a good time to go home.  I had enough of people before I got to this party, and when this thing came up I was excited to go.  I love these people and some I haven’t seen in a long time so it was good. I just couldn’t get my anxiety under control to enjoy it.

Sunday I didn’t nap.  I spent all day outside  cleaning out gardens, and working the ground, and filling bird feeders.  I would work 30 minutes and sit and stare in to space for 30 minutes.  I had to push myself to do anything.  Every time I sat down my Husband would walk by and wonder if I was ok.  He knew I was off. I didn’t want to talk about it.  We did talk later, it made him feel good.  I had all my kids home.  No one was working so I had planned the night before to have a bbq rib dinner.  My daughter’s friend was there – I invited her too.  She is a lovely girl.  They went shopping for the afternoon, came home at supper time with a half eaten bucket of Kentucky fried chicken.  They were full didn’t want supper, you know I took that well…..not!

My daughter….. my daughter has been not wanting to be apart of this family.  This is how I feel. I asked her to take Saturday off work because of the family party, she said she didn’t want to go.  She doesn’t want to eat supper with us, she doesn’t want sit down dinners and being all “fancy” her words.  I have let that go for a while now, with only 3 of us at home I cook on the weekends and we nibble on that for the week some times we nibble at the same time but she has sports I have other things on so we don’t always make it.  On Sunday I made it very clearly  that dinner was at 6 all were invited and I spent time putting it together so they had better be there when expected (I can’t help but feeling that this is the same thing I did to my Mom but I didn’t know she was inviting us for dinner,  these girls knew) Beside the dinner thing my girl has been pushing our buttons.  We ask for stuff to be done- she doesn’t do it.  Or she will do it when she is darn good and ready to do it.  Last night was the one to many pushes.  So the drama was dealt with, the girl grounded, I feel like a crappy Mother.  Self centered 16 year old girl.

So what do I do?  I am being a parent, that is the proper thing to do. I have an illness and I am trying to deal with it too.  I don’t want her to stop her life because Mom is sick.  I want some consideration, I want her to not push me so hard.   If I had a broken leg maybe she would hold the door open for me and maybe do the dishes without me asking,  maybe be nice to me instead of nasty.   She can’t understand or wrap her head around this unseen illness and thinks I am just uptight and bitchy.  I am trying so hard to get through to her.  When I spoke to her Sunday night I was calm, spelt out the reasons why I was angry, asked her if I had miscommunicated something along the way.   Considering my state of mind, how down I felt and still feel I did good. 

Today,  Monday, this illness sucks. Today I am at my wit’s end with people – all people. I don’t know what I want – I know I don’t want anymore people giving me the gears and working against me. I am tired of all people and wish I could just take a week’s vacation on an island and be alone and quiet.  My husband has been wonderful but I don’t even want him to touch me, or be near me.  He has noticed me pulling away.  I’m not leaving him I just need some time.  To do what I have no idea, everything seems too loud.  This new medication levels are supposed to help. I am supposed to feel better.  I am feeling worse.  Tomorrow I go for all the blood tests and electrocardiogram.  Two weeks on new medication levels already.  If they did the ekg today I would burn out the machine.  

I shall see what my daughter is like tonight- go to physo at 6pm and come home crawl into bed and hide for an evening .

till next time…………………….

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April 22


After not knowing what to do yesterday, I sent my husband to the gym and  I ended up going to my bedroom, shut the door and spent 3 hours alone in quiet and had a nap for a bit, wrote for a bit, but mostly lay in bed looking out the window watching the odd bird fly by and just blinking.  It was peaceful, it was needed. When I finally emerged I felt a lot better.  Less aggravation, less pain, less tired. The pain remains but duller.  So today is Monday,  I took a sleeping pill last night it helped me fall back a sleep easily when I did wake up.  So this morning I do feel better, on the flip side, I have been having so many weird dreams lately, even with the sleeping pill last night that it confuses me because I don’t know what is real and what was a dream.  An example, I dreamt that I was out of gas on Thursday, I was upset and was sure someone was stealing gas out of my van.  The next morning  I was heading out the door to work I was telling my daughter to hurry up cause I had to get gas,  I was angry about it, but when I started the van up I still had half a tank – right where it should be! I have had dreams of having conversations with people and later in the week they tell me that I have not mentioned anything to them.  Sometimes I really do feel like I am losing my mind.

My husband and I sat in the sun for a bit yesterday.  He expressed his frustration with me of late. He says I have been pulling away from him and he feels like I have not been including him in this struggle.  He says I have changed, ever since I got the report from the psyc doctor.  He hates how I belittle myself.  I didn’t think I did that — I mean I am hard on myself, but belittle??  I tell him stuff but not all things, my husband is great but he tries to fix me, and sometimes he is smothering, most of the time he is wonderful.  I told him how aggravated I was last week and how short my temper was. I included him in some stuff I haven’t elaborated on before. I told him how the change in drugs have affect me, I told him I nap at work and people are now wondering why I am asleep in the staff room.  My husband thinks I need to take some time off work.  I feel like I am falling apart but most of the time work is what keeps me sane.

So as April 22 comes to a close I am feeling tired, so I am hoping that means I am going to sleep – no pills tonight to sleep.  Going oh natural!  Work was good, I worked out after work, busted my butt in cardo  training for 60 minutes. Did the things I need to for tomorrow so now I am going to wash my face, get up go to work and carry on.   Maybe tomorrow I will feel less like falling apart. The pain is dull tonight, it never goes away, it’s just a dull pain I am carrying in my heart, my shadow, or sidekick.  I hope tomorrow is just as dull.

Dear Lord be with me and all those who suffer from depression,  I have had some challenges lately but you Lord are always with me.  Forgive me for my unbelief, forgive me for my anger, if now is not the time for this to be removed from me, help me to learn from this experience and help me to cope, for the sake of my children my husband.  Now I pray Dear Lord the perfect prayer ‘Your will be done”  Amen

till next time……..

IDK


End if a long week.  I have been so aggravated the last couple of days.  My temper has no fuse.  My temper and aggravation says ‘why the heck are people such a pain in the butt!’   Everything is so loud, why do people have to speak so loud talk so loud,  Why do people think that they have to always be around you and never let you be alone.  I am tired of people. I don’t want to be around crowds, make small talk, smile. I hate trying to fake fun.

What do I really want.  I want to talk to someone. I want to say what is going on in my head with out someone trying to fix it. I want no suggestions of how I can be better. I just want to unload the things that bother me and depress me.  Maybe that isn’t even it.   I have been under a lot of stress lately.  My Mother was sick and my brother and his wife when to help and no one said anything to me.  I was angry about that one.  I live far away, so they didn’t think I needed to know. grrrrrrr I am an hour and 40 minutes I have my own car, I drive I could have been there.  I came clean and told everything to Mom about the doctors and apt now she doesn’t want to burden me.  This makes me more burdened than anything. I have a lot of work I am doing at work and its all good. I have a 16-year-old daughter who I have been butting heads with lately just thinking about it makes my aggregation boil.  I truly want to run away,  I desire quiet today I desire no demands today.

This pain is here today like a weight in my heart. I want to hide in my room and just be – blink at the sky out my bedroom window and be.

I am turmoil I don’t know what I want.

I believe God is taking care of me I believe God is good and will be there for me, but my pain is not dull today. So Lord be close to me and keep me safe, forgive my distraction from faith Forgive me for half heartedly believing in you. you are Great Praise God. Amen

till next time

.

Tuesday, Pondering Party Day


After taking Tuesday to decide if I was going to follow the doctor’s advice, rules, and medication changes or stay the course.   I had decided to stay the course.  I wasn’t going to give in.  I am in control, so I thought.   I had a great dinner with my friends and husband and then went to a concert down town, I love to go down town.  So much fun, I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed myself.   Two hours, plus of listening to great music with great friends.  It got down to the last 20-30 minutes of the concert I sat down for a minute, and I felt a wave of depression tsunami me.  It came on super fast and frightening way.  I haven’t been frightened in a while.  I am sitting there and my melting mind thought about cutting.  I was thinking there must be a place where no one would know.  This looks so stupid in print.  I can’t believe the idea rushed into my mind, rolled around and was entertained for a bit.  It was a surreal moment in time.  My mind fell into my boots and it was like I was eavesdropping on a conversation.  This seem to last 5 or 10 minutes, and then I was jolted back to normality when I looked around and realized this isn’t a conversation around me, everyone was standing, singing, dancing to the music, the conversation was in my head.  To say I was floored is a sever understatement.  I prayed a silent prayer to God to take this thing away, take the thought away and restore me.  I sat for a moment and jumped up and got myself back into the night.   I was not going to let this hell ruin my night.  I managed to get myself together  after a bit and enjoyed the rest of the night.

As I lay in bed I was very tired, had a few glasses of wine earlier and fell into a toss and turn night, full of weird dreams and restlessness.  I woke this morning and didn’t think of it.  Work, get up get to it, get your daughter to school get lunches in the right hands and off to the office.  It wasn’t till lunch when I had a chance to breath and then remember the evening.  It seemed like a weird dream.  It was a random horrible thought.  It is not a consideration.  I mention this episode because it is just that an episode but it also clinched my decision to follow the doctors medication, rules, follow ups for the next 8 weeks and see where I am.  I guess maybe it was a Blessing I experienced;  when and how I did. I was with safe people, safe place, not alone, and with God’s help pull through it.  I haven’t had any thoughts like that for a long time now, so it seems strange now, but maybe it was a good thing.  I started taking the new meds this morning — so look out next week will be a rocky one.  You can’t mess with these drugs, and any little adjustment sends you over the edge.  The Psyc Doctor called my condition Major Depression Disorder–see definition from web m.d.

” What Is Major Depressive Disorder?

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, major depressive disorder is characterized by a combination of symptoms that interfere with a person’s ability to work, sleep, study, eat, and enjoy once-pleasurable activities.

There are times you may feel sad, lonely, or hopeless for a few days. But major depression — clinical depression — lasts longer and is disabling. It can prevent you from functioning normally, and the disorder can also cause the subject to harm ones self, and suicidal thougths, if left untreated. ”

I don’t like the word Disorder it should be Major Depressive Mind out of Order,  Or MDMOOO for short.  🙂

As far as timing goes it’s a good time to do it / it’s a bad time to do it.  I have lots on my plate.  My Mother is going in for cataract surgery tomorrow,  she just got over a serious bug a week and a bit ago.  I only found out yesterday about the bug.  My idiotic brother knew but figured I was an hour and half away so why bother me. I live too far away.  He got an unpleasant reply from me on that point. I can not express how angry I am about it in this blog  because I wish not to swear in it – but you get the picture.  I have a couple of cousins who are ill one is coming around, one just in for surgery. My son is moving home.  I can’t wait, but it will take a little time to for all of us to adjust to living together again. More stress.   It makes me want to hop in the van and drive till I run out of gas or come to an ocean.  Life is not something to run from so I will sleep tonight, take the meds, work out, do a major cut back on drinking,  go to work, cook for the family, and do what I can to live the life God wants me to.

Just re reading that last paragraph,  very selfish, forgive me.  It’s a mixture of venting, and convincing.  Venting about how my family drives me nuts, and convincing myself I am on the right track.  Will let you know.

till next time. . . . . . . . . . .

Waiting Room


Sitting in the waiting room of yet another doctor’s office.  No one here but me, no eyes to avoid. I am at my family doctor.  My Psyc.Doctor called me at home a week ago to let me know the report she created was faxed to my Family Doctor, My appointment with her was February 19th.  My family Doctor called me last Thursday at home to let me know she has the report and called my pharmacy with my new prescription for the increase in my drugs.  She didn’t elaborate on the report.  We ended the call, I sat there blinking….. What am I doing here?  I can not just take pills blindly just because they said so. I wanted to wean myself off the pills they want to increase. I called back and made an appointment for Monday – today.  I want to know more of the report, I want to know if the psyc doctor labeled me with anything and what are my other course of drug options.  I need to know.  But for now I sit looking at more old magazines in the waiting room  that are missing all the good recipes from previous people who think they will cook them,  but never will.  I never have .  Thinking I must remember to wash my hands when I leave cause sick people com e in here.  It’s strange to be so ill yet worry about other people making me ill.  Mental illness isn’t contagious obviously but that is too bad, I could be put in a nice room somewhere with people to look after me, bring my meals, people would come to visit, send me flowers, I would get sympathy…..Its a double edge sword.  I don’t want to be on drugs but they keep me sane enough to function.  Some times you just can’t win.

Doctor calls me in.  My heart races, she is fidgety makes me wonder what the doctor wrote, makes my heart pound a little faster.  She starts to skim the report and tells me I need to continue on the drug course I am on.  It has made things better, they want to increase the dose of the one.  Which will involve tests. If this route does not work we will wean me off the ones I am on and put me on a new dose of new drugs.  What new hell could this be.

Once I start the new prescription I have to book a electrocardiogram appointment and have full blood work done, including thyroid,  or any other deficiency and the rest of the usual stuff. This must be done two weeks after I start the new prescription.  In eight weeks I go back to my family doctor to be told  how all the tests are.  If the electrocardiogram shows problem she will call me.  If my heart starts to misfire am sure I will be the first one to call.  The new  dose  of the drugs I am on have heart risks, rare but they are a risk.  I have not started yet.  I have filled the prescription but I am unsure of what to do.  I may continue with the drugs as planned.  I just need time to ponder and let it all sink in.

till next time…………….

Sunday Night Prayer


Dear Lord I Thank you for the Peace I have felt this weekend.  I Thank you for the ability to move, create, do.  I have accomplished lots, my o c d is satisfied, my house is clean. I thank you for clarity this weekend, I have been able to think, read, write. I have cooked for my family and been a help to my husband. I have put my week in order and for that Dear Lord I thank you.  Is my pain gone. No, It is still stuck to me like glue.  I take it everywhere like dirt on my shoes. It is apart of my life-like my tattoos are apart of my skin.   Forgive me my doubts, my arrogance, my selfishness, my words without wisdom, for they are not what I want to put forth, but it is what races ahead.  You sit upon a throne, You are God, creator of all, me and my weak mind. I need to be mindful of my place. be mindful of who you are, and not turn myself into my god. Or blame all on this illness and my dark friend.  You are in control, you use all to your good, you are the Almighty one, the Great I am. Trust in the Lord your God for he is Good, trust and not worry, trust and turn away from sin, turn away from having to be in control, turn from darkness, loss, and loneliness.  My pain may not be gone, but God is with me.   Be with me and my family this week as for forge ahead in this life  The Love and peace that goes beyond all understanding. Praise be to God and his Son and the Holy Ghost. Amen

monday


Weekend over and back to work today– it’s going to be a busy one. Lots on the agenda at work and at home.  I leave for a work retreat over night Thursday night so that will be fun.   It was a good weekend,  spent some time outside pulled out the patio furniture – maybe a little early but seeing it makes me feel better.  Saturday was sunny and I spent most of the day cleaning out gardens picking up sticks.  Sunday cleaning up inside and putzing around, and had a nap, on the couch like a cat in the sun.  Time with friends, time with family, time with husband, went to church,  all the way it should be.

I was a little low this weekend. I haven’t been sleeping so I know that means watch out for the sadness incase it rolls in like a sudden fog off the water.    It did.   I turned my attention to praising God and ignoring the negative and repeating the positive.  Did the sadness just disappear, no,  I felt it, I just tried to work through it. Cleaned up stuff, did laundry, tried to take my mind off of it. In the long run I did ok. It’s just hanging on. Its Monday and I had another night of interrupted sleep.  I am back to a stepped up workout routine so we shall see if that helps.  I did 5 workouts last week and it didn’t help much, surely it will this week.

I prayed tonight with my Pastor his wife and my husband. It was a wonderful prayer time. God was with us and it was an evening of honesty and prayers of thanks.   It is a real blessing to sit with your best friends hold hands and pray.

An author; whose books we 4 have read, son, committed suicide. I didn’t know the boy but it strikes hard at your heart, only 27, good christian family – no drug abuse,  just died by his own hand.  It strikes hard at someone who suffers from depression.  A depression sufferer understands that the pain and anguish of depression that never leaves you.   Some days its better, some days its anguish.   It is a companion that never leaves your side. It is at the ready, as tight as your shadow.
In discussing things last night I don’t think some of them understood how when you are good you are never what you were, and when you are down you can never effectively communicate how dark and lost you are.   I was good last night but there were 5 of us praying I was #4 my depression #5.   Its like watching students in the hallway at school- they always have a knapsack on their back – mine is the weight of depression.

In the course of the evening, after I got home, I came clean about some of the things I had encountered over the past two years with my husband.  I hadn’t really told him that there were times that I thought about suicide, or the extent that I punished myself with not eating and belittled myself when I was down and couldn’t “pull up my boot straps” and get on with it.  I had told him that I had seen the line of suicide – and I did, I never thought how.   In truth; I did not think how to do it, but the consideration that death is a way to end the anguish  and how the line more encircled me instead of  just standing in front of me was true.  It is frightening today to think how far gone I was and how my husband, unbeknownst to him, saved my life one evening when I was alone in the dark.  Today it seems like a fantastical dream, but when I read my journal from those days, they reveal a death of spirit, and cornering of darkness, and a lost frightened girl.

The depression is the same today as yesterday, so how can it be different. It’s not drugs, it all goes back to one afternoon not long ago, laying on a couch looking at the clouds going by a window thinking I could have this for the rest of my life. I have harped on this before, but I have a strange peace from it and it has held on ever since then. The desperation of the illness seems to lessen. It has made it a part of my life. As I go through each wave the next down isn’t a surprise. I am not thinking on every up swing – “ok feeling good this is it”, only to be disappointed when the next down turn arrives. The second thing that seems to have changed for me is the words I read in the bible, Jesus always says when he arrives anywhere or an angel says when they are delivering a message in the bible, “don’t be afraid” Those words are said 380 times. You would think that we would be able to rely on those words. The dips I have had this week I have been telling myself “do not be afraid, and my trust in God”  seems to have increased so as the devil slithers around me and wants to strike fear in me I have not been afraid cause God is in control, Lord knows I am not. I maybe have come to terms with the fact that I have loss control of my mushy mind and set my expectations lower. Acceptance seems to have made a difference – for now.
Next once I get the specialist report, and decide my next drug plan, it is my plan to get off some of the more harmful drugs and keep on ones that are a little more – body friendly. Messing with them is never a good idea but I want to feel more like me and be able to cry at a good movie, love my husband a little more fully, and not feel the good feelings be pushed down with the bad feelings. First the doctor has to come through for me!! If I ever see that report.

till next time………………..