Sitting in the back seat of our van – its Saturday noon, my husband is driving my son is back from college and sitting beside him. We are on our way to my Mom’s to pick her up and then head to a family party in London. I have no energy, I do not want to be here I don’t want to go to London, I want to stay home. My niece is here from Vancouver and her husband and her baby. It will be nice to see her but I am anxious about being around a lot of people. I feel like the world on my shoulders, I am not happy I am not happy with me, I have put on a little weight I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I don’t like my hair, my wardrobe or anything. I am fighting the negative voices in my head, but at this moment I just want to cry. I am anxious, tired and sad, I don’t want to curse the day, but its going to be a hell of a day. So what am I going to do– what I have to do — suck it up put on my pokerface and be wonderful, but inside it will be wwII.
Now on our way to London- Mother in the van. I curled up in the back of the van and slept for the hour it takes to get to Mom’s, feeling not so tired but still anxious. In the small talk I had with Mom she announces that we are invited to dinner Sunday Night. First I heard of it, or maybe I just forgot. I disappoint my Mom by saying we can’t stay, I didn’t realize she was planning a family dinner. I get a Mom look –oops in the bad books again. We head to the party. I small talk with my relatives and other people who are there I haven’t seen in a while. I take a bathroom break after a bit and only an hour and half has passed. I am done with all of this, my mind is screeming can we go home now? I pry myself from the bathroom back outside. I find a nice seat in the sun and talk to an Aunt about all the things I can think of about my kids and husband. I have my sunglasses on so no one can see my sad eyes, small mercies. There are a bunch of us that play guitar, my friend brings his out, we all get ours out, me too. Whew we sit and play for a couple of hours, laugh at the funny songs my friend sings, and I can veg and strum away, its hard to talk when you are playing guitar. Everyone loves listening to us jam. Perfect!
Dinner time – finally — we eat and have cake – My Mother makes pies — I eat two pieces they are so good but feel guilty for my increasing waist line. Some of the older people start to leave. Mom is an older person maybe we should leave too. She has had a really busy day she is getting tired so we leave. I drive. I was very good at not drinking so I take the wheel. Get to my Mothers 50 minutes away, my son wants to drive the other hour 40 minutes home. We were suppose to stay over night, Mom gives me another disappointing look. I am thinking I want to go home and lock myself in my room. I use my son’s insistents as an excuse and we leave get home at 10pm. Praise God.
It is the first time that I have felt that way at a party before. Usually I go in, feel good, talk to everyone and about the time I should be leaving I have had enough of people and its a good time to go home. I had enough of people before I got to this party, and when this thing came up I was excited to go. I love these people and some I haven’t seen in a long time so it was good. I just couldn’t get my anxiety under control to enjoy it.
Sunday I didn’t nap. I spent all day outside cleaning out gardens, and working the ground, and filling bird feeders. I would work 30 minutes and sit and stare in to space for 30 minutes. I had to push myself to do anything. Every time I sat down my Husband would walk by and wonder if I was ok. He knew I was off. I didn’t want to talk about it. We did talk later, it made him feel good. I had all my kids home. No one was working so I had planned the night before to have a bbq rib dinner. My daughter’s friend was there – I invited her too. She is a lovely girl. They went shopping for the afternoon, came home at supper time with a half eaten bucket of Kentucky fried chicken. They were full didn’t want supper, you know I took that well…..not!
My daughter….. my daughter has been not wanting to be apart of this family. This is how I feel. I asked her to take Saturday off work because of the family party, she said she didn’t want to go. She doesn’t want to eat supper with us, she doesn’t want sit down dinners and being all “fancy” her words. I have let that go for a while now, with only 3 of us at home I cook on the weekends and we nibble on that for the week some times we nibble at the same time but she has sports I have other things on so we don’t always make it. On Sunday I made it very clearly that dinner was at 6 all were invited and I spent time putting it together so they had better be there when expected (I can’t help but feeling that this is the same thing I did to my Mom but I didn’t know she was inviting us for dinner, these girls knew) Beside the dinner thing my girl has been pushing our buttons. We ask for stuff to be done- she doesn’t do it. Or she will do it when she is darn good and ready to do it. Last night was the one to many pushes. So the drama was dealt with, the girl grounded, I feel like a crappy Mother. Self centered 16 year old girl.
So what do I do? I am being a parent, that is the proper thing to do. I have an illness and I am trying to deal with it too. I don’t want her to stop her life because Mom is sick. I want some consideration, I want her to not push me so hard. If I had a broken leg maybe she would hold the door open for me and maybe do the dishes without me asking, maybe be nice to me instead of nasty. She can’t understand or wrap her head around this unseen illness and thinks I am just uptight and bitchy. I am trying so hard to get through to her. When I spoke to her Sunday night I was calm, spelt out the reasons why I was angry, asked her if I had miscommunicated something along the way. Considering my state of mind, how down I felt and still feel I did good.
Today, Monday, this illness sucks. Today I am at my wit’s end with people – all people. I don’t know what I want – I know I don’t want anymore people giving me the gears and working against me. I am tired of all people and wish I could just take a week’s vacation on an island and be alone and quiet. My husband has been wonderful but I don’t even want him to touch me, or be near me. He has noticed me pulling away. I’m not leaving him I just need some time. To do what I have no idea, everything seems too loud. This new medication levels are supposed to help. I am supposed to feel better. I am feeling worse. Tomorrow I go for all the blood tests and electrocardiogram. Two weeks on new medication levels already. If they did the ekg today I would burn out the machine.
I shall see what my daughter is like tonight- go to physo at 6pm and come home crawl into bed and hide for an evening .
till next time…………………….