Monthly Archives: February 2012

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Broken


I have in hand a broken stick,

I am sliding down beneath the earth.

The open-pit to swallow me up.

My anger rages on.

Who will stop me,

Who will care.

I made a huge mistake

in sharing my pain.

I see only eyes of pity

Eyes of avoidance

Eyes of disguss.

I am tired of the pain I feel

I sit in the pew hoping to feel God

I only feel the rush of voices tearing my heart in two.

I shut off my phone, I shut my door.

No more to go.

For it is better to hide,

then be put to shame

Better to stay home , than be criticized

For there is no love out there.

For it is my pillow who holds me tight.

In the sleepless nights.

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Did someone hear a Crack?


My twig is cracking, I have been holding on for dear life but the twig is starting to crack – it is preventing me from sliding down the mountain I have been sliding down for a while.  I am looking wildly for a larger twig to grab but I can’t seem to see one.  I have been praying, I have been trying to keep my eyes up focused on God.  Sunday I dipped low and I was telling myself,  “I look to the hills from where does my help come from, It comes from the Lord the maker of heaven and earth.” I am trying to keep my concentration on God.  Its hard the mind is a storm of thoughts.  Today is Monday and I don’t have a whirl of thoughts I am just numb, no thoughts, no energy just numb.  I think this must be what its like to be high on drugs.  You feel nothing, you think nothing.  One of my readers said that you always  feel like you are crawling out from under something.  That is how I feel.  I get though this day, the next day it falls upon me, I crawl out again, but the dirt and grim of the last crawling never comes off.  The heaviness of it never leaves totally. The line from Shakespeare comes to mind “Out, damned spot! out, I say!” , Macbeth, 5.1 .  The spot of darkness never leaves, the spot of confusion, the spot of illness, the spot of numbness, stays upon my heart and mind.  I guess that is why it is hard to reach beyond the depression.

The soul and heart and mind are intermingled, and where is the line between? The line is a blur.  My heart will feel down cast and my mind try to cheer it up.  My soul cries out for God to come near, and he does but the mind is looking the other way, it can’t take its eyes of the grieving heart who is wondering where the mind, it knew and loves has gone.  The mind is confused and has forgotten to cheer up the heart, it barely remembers the heart and soul. The mind is caught in a storm like a feather in the wind.  God’s spirit, the Holy Spirit whispers in the wind to so the heart, mind or soul will hear it.  The Holy Spirit sits tight and still available to tell the thoughts of God and receive the inner crying of the soul, heart, and mind to take its deep groanings to God in prayer.  And the storm continues, the heart stays bruised, the soul cries and the mind flutters in the wind.  The Spirit is ever near, protecting from the evil and waiting for the mind to see and the heart to feel, and the soul to stop crying.

So tomorrow I start drug #3 hormones, and we will see what happens from there onward.

Lord I continue to pray for your forgiveness and protection, you have told me patience, but I am human, I don’t do patience well but Lord you know what is best for me and you know why I am going through this and I hope and pray that all these experiences can help those who go through this to have hope.  For God you are my only hope and I thank you for all the hope you give me.  Praise be to you Lord. Amen

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Still holding the twig


I found the twig as I slid down my mountain and managed to hold on to it for a few days now.  I have managed to take two breaths.  My mind seems to have some clarity everything was mush last week I didn’t know what was right or wrong. This week is a bit better.   Yesterday was Ash Wednesday , a year ago I was in a ball on the bench in church.  A cloud of darkness had surrounded me and the more the pastor spoke the more my mind screamed.  I could not understand the words it was garbled and it all made no sence.  When the service was done I ran from the church to my house.  I was scared, dark, alone, deep in a pit where there was no light, no hope.  yesterday was different.  I was able to be apart of the service.  I could hear the words, I could pray with the congregation.  I spent a heartfelt time in God‘s home and was able to pray the secrets my heart that need to be told and ask for forgiveness.  Now the hard part forgiving myself.

As I was preparing for the service I was fasting and praying.  I have struggled with eating disorders over the past year.  I have gained the 15 pounds I lost and according to my Mom I look better,  being so skinny I was losing my good looks.  Mom’s got to love them!  I could go days without eating when I hate myself.  But Wednesday I was fasting as a preparation for the service to help me focus on God my Father and to focus on his majesty.  It was so hard!  It was interesting. The devil when he tells me the lies he wants me to believe; that my mind when I am sliding into depression grabs so easily, convince me that I am unworthy of loving myself and loving others.  To deny myself food or to indulge in alcohol is so easy.  When I do it for God it is so hard.  The devil will pick at me to give in because the flesh is weak.  But my mind is stronger this day so I could do it.  Tomorrow?? I don’t know – this is what bothers me the most. The uncertainty of it all.  The inability to trust myself, and the easiness to punish me for its instability.  This depressions ups and downs also makes my friends look at me one way or another.  They  gage, is she good or bad.  Sometimes I think people avoid me because it’s too much work to figure out where I am and what they can do, which makes them feel helpless.  So they avoid you or shun you because they are uncomfortable, which makes the isolation feelings that comes with depression even stronger and you slide a little deeper a little farther down the mountain.  I am not saying it is everyone else’s fault I feel I need to pull away or I my mood falls down.  It’s just an observation, no blame being laid.

So what else has been happening in my life.  Well maybe I am my own worst enemy.  My daughter is heading to Panama for a mission trip.  We are fund-raising and getting all the paperwork completed for her to go so that is one issue.  The second issue is she needs some shots before she goes so I have to make those appointments.  My son is off to college in the fall so I am in the process of getting him retested for his learning disability so he can get the services from college he needs. That is a lot of work and he also needs to be spending some time on applying for scholarships, more paperwork.  Then to make things even more interesting I applied for a new job at a new school.  More responsibility and a new situation so I will have so much to learn, if I get it.  I must be nuts.

So starting next week I am trying a new drug.  It is hormone related and we will see how it goes so many things to organize and then a new drug in the mix.

Lord I need you help here, help me get this all together and help me to proceed and get it all together.  All these things  I put into your hands Lord because  I know I can’t do it.   Amen

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Holding a twig


Over the past few weeks I have been sliding down this mountain, sometimes slowly, sometimes fast, but sliding down just the same.  I felt for the first time today that I finally grasped something as I have been sliding, it feels like a twig. The twig is holding and for the first time in weeks I feel like I can at least get a breath.  I have been all over the map.  Deeply depressed, sad, despair, lonely, anger, very paranoid.  The emotions are all self explanatory but the paranoia is not me thinking that someone is out to get me, or people are talking behind my back or anything like that its more a case of love.  I know paranoia is not a product of love but maybe I should say lack of love.

Let me start back a ways to explain this.  A year ago or more when this all started, I didn`t know what was happening to me, my daughter who is 15, thought I was having issue with her, not the demons in my mind.  She thought I hated her and started to act out because of this misbelief.  Over time I told her what was happening with me, once I figured out what was happening with me, and as she became more used to me and my ups and down she began to see it was all me, not her, and she became more comfortable with her and loved herself more as she saw my illness progress.  In the end over the past few months, she has drawn very close to me.  She talks to me about everything, and hugs me endlessly, we watch movies together, and she has been a great source of love and it has been a great comfort to me.  My husband has been the same way taking over things for me, helping me, talking to me.  Both of them love me so much and have been loving me so much that I can’t believe how wonderfully blessed that God has been to me.

So my paranoia stems from my lack of love for me.  Around and around and around you go where you stop no body knows.  This is the problem; I feel good, I fall down.  I feel like I almost have things in control and them I don`t.  I feel like its my fault.  If the hand does not work is it my fault.  Well if I abuse it yes, but arthritis or something else; no, not my fault.  The mind is so personal, so close, I feel like I have let myself down, and its been a long time since I can say  I love myself.  It’s hard to fathom that a chemical imbalance can effect the personal relationship you have with yourself. I loved chemistry in college and when I think of the interaction of chemicals in a experiment, its hard to add soul, body and mind to a chemical, he I am.

I went for a run today, well its been a long time since I have run so I am back at the beginning again,  But I shuffled really fast and got a good work out.  In that mind clearing exercise,  the Lord popped a thought into my mind, well actually a bible vs.  I can`t name the chapter or vs but it goes like this.  “The Lord so loved the world that he gave his one and only son to die for us.” I stopped running started walking.  What did that mean?  God so loved the world, he loves each and every one of us way more than I can love my children or husband or best friends, because he created love and we are made in His image so our love could never ever be as complete and solid as His because we are also full of sin which He is not and therefore our love is tainted with imperfections. But the Lord so loved us, US because he created us that he gave his son, his blood, a part of his spirit, to die. For the purpose of us coming close to him.

I have been doing things over the past months, not because I love me, but because I hate me.  My family and friends love me.  As my best friend said today `I am a big fan our yours and you have  lots of fans` It dawned on me that when I have been doing things that I have had the mind-set of doing them cause I don`t love me.  Don`t eat fattening things or anything cause you are not worthy.  Not don`t eat fattening things cause you love yourself and it’s not good for you.   A glass of wine complements a fine steak, because you love the tastes.  Not, drink the bottle cause you are a mess and it soothes the pain, and in the end do not actually taste the food or wine and you miss the experience of a good meal.

God gave us so much, to love us.  Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice because he loves us, and for my mind cause he loves me.  How can I disrespect my Lord by refusing the sacrifice he made for me for the love of me, and not love myself.  It was a Gobsmacking thought.

Here is a good example of how far in left field that depression can take you, or the demons of depression can take you.   This is a gobsmacking thought!  When did I stop loving myself?  how did this happen?  I ran a half marathon, you don`t train up for something like that if you don`t like yourself.  I guess somewhere in the drugs and chemical imbalance it happened.  I can`t think when, but I know I am in the process of trying to correct this.  Today and right now I feel the love from my family and friends, and God, so distinctly that I can say for sure I like myself today.  Tomorrow maybe I will fall in love with me, maybe I will still be at like, I hope I don`t fall back into hate.  Cause hate gives the devil a playground and I am tired of those games.

God Bless

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Mountain climbing in Reverse


I am texting a friend of mine, I am trying to explain my mind, my feelings.  I have been pulling back from people.  I don’t want to see people, I don’t want to see me, I don’t want people to see me.  I skipped a lot of things I was to go to last week.  The best way to describe this is I am sliding down a mountain, grabbing onto what every I can to slow me down, stop me, but I can’t get a grip on to anything.  Or just can’t get a grip.   I have been better about not drinking — except Valentines night we had a nice bottle of wine between me and my husband it was nice.   I have been up and down this week.  It didn’t matter what time a day or what day I would be down on my way to work, the next day I was ok and sank at lunch or mid afternoon or at night.  So this week I was at my doctor and I brought my husband to help back me up and give his views on what is happening.  The doctor asked lots of questions.  She and he had a great discussion about me in front of me – it was weird.  So we try something else.  She is keeping me on my antidepressants, but adding some hormone drugs to the mix to see if it evens me out.  It is chemical and menopausal so this could work.  Two things however, I don’t want to be on more drugs that is concerning but its a guessing game and that is more concerning.  On the doctor shows you see the doctors say well let’s try this –oh that doesn’t work let’s try that.  Oh well that didn’t work sorry about the side effects lets try this now.  Mean while I feel like a mac truck hit me.  Bottom line is this is how you find out what will work for you, we are all different, and there is the rub.  Sometimes the cure is worse than the illness, sometimes the cure magnifys the illness.

The second part of the doctor apt.  This is the one that scares me.  I have struggled so hard over the past few weeks, I can’t seem to get my head above water. Its gone as far as bugging my friends and getting reassurance that A.  Iam not crazy and B.  they still love me.  My pastor, my friend  I am sure is sick of doing this, but my mind is mush and I don’t know what the hell is going on he is emailing me reassurance that I am not losing it.  My best friend did the same thing earlier in the week.    If this new thing doesn’t work then its a psychological evaluation for me at a psychologist.  Just reading this sentence — its like what the heck!  I have felt crazy at times I have felt out of control.  This is unsettling.  Maybe I am crazy.  The thing is I don’t know how to feel about this.  It’s a bit of a jump ahead of the game, but it is part of the plan, for down the road.

I haven’t started the new drug, I will start in a couple of weeks so in the mean time I have time to research and I see the doctor with my daughter tomorrow so I can ask some more questions. I feel like I am in left field, blowing in the breeze.

Dear Lord, you know how hard I have fought, you know how sometimes I have not tried at all.  The fight has worn me out and I have not had the energy to fight.  But you Lord, You have always been the constant and true to me and your word.  You have always stood by me and keeps me safe.  Lord you know what is right for me, help me to make good decisions and help me find the answers to be come well.  Dear Lord in the name of your son Jesus Christ I put this and all the groaning of my heart and spirit in to your hands.  Amen.

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Quick Sand


Sitting in quick sand sinking slowly.  Its been a slow progression over the past week.  I have not been feeling well.  A weekend of self destruction, to end off a week of self destruction. My mind has been a swirl of thoughts emotions, ups and downs.  I can’t seem to get them straight.  I don’t know this mind of mine. I have been fighting with the self destruction voices.  I hardly ate last week, I think there were days that I didn’t eat at all, but I am not sure to be honest.  My memory seems to be sipping.  I do know I drank a lot of red wine.  Everyday. I did all the things I should not be doing. Too much wine, coffee not enough food, sleep.  In black and white it reads so stupid.  I see the words and know what is right and wrong, but I look at the food can’t eat.  I sooth myself with a glass of wine cause it makes me feel better. Wine does not go with the pills I shouldn’t be drinking and evidence today on how I feel should be pretty clear.  I have to stop. I don’t know if I can.  Yesterday I was counting down the minutes till I could get home from my Mothers house and have a glass of wine.  We went out for lunch with her yesterday and I worked very hard at eating something so my Mom and Husband wouldn’t start to figure out what was wrong.  All the while I am putting food in my mouth I am hating it.   The swirl of voices and thoughts will not stop.  They seem to lessen over night but that does not mean I sleep.  I just lay there looking at the ceiling.  Blinking.

 
If I read this first paragraph and never experienced depression I would automatically think this person is crazy.  This is hard to read and or understand.  As a person who does suffer from depression I can say, yes I understand and yes this person looks crazy.  I feel crazy.
I have been spiralling down slowly for a few weeks now.  My husband and I have spent a lot of time talking about me over the past few days.  He has taken over my bank accounts, my credit cards, my pills, my routine.  There are many areas of my life he has taken over.  That sounds like I am a bad child and being punished, but he is drawing very close to me in a show of support and to keep me from hurting myself. I feel so guilty this is stressing him out too.  He doesn’t say it but I can see it.  So now what? Tuesday I have a Dr. apt first time in three months.  My Husband is coming too.  He has some very pointed questions for my doctor and I am a little nervous how this is going to play out.  I have been praying that God give my doctor wisdom on how to help me and to give me wisdom to ask the right questions and understand what she is telling me.
 
Other news, I cut and permed my Mother’s hair on the weekend (between being hung over and having a beer) Its a bit of a lengthy process so we had lots of time to talk and she and I are good at that.   I told Mom that I have been experiencing the physical aspects of menopause.  She knows this already but I had to ease into what I really wanted to tell her.  I told her that I had another doctor’s apt to follow up on how I am doing that she monitors me closely.  She still wasn’t clueing in but she was wondering why and what was going on.  Then I told her about the emotional side of things I have been dealing with.  Very vaguely.  Then I cut to the chase and told her I was on antidepressants.  I didn’t say I was depressed. but I told her of the medication.  She said very little, I am not sure she understood or if she didn’t think it a big deal.  It made me feel very uncomfortable, and then after a while we changed the subject, never to bring it up again the rest of the weekend.
 
So where is God, and where am I.  God is always where he should be.  He is loving me and sending people to love and help me.  God is trying to cover me over with his wing to protect me, when I allow it.  Jesus is standing there saying I am your savour trust me, I am your brother your Father loves you please love yourself. Where am I – doing what I do every night laying there in a mind swirl, blinking.  I know these things – I just get confused on how to live it. I feel like a feather in a hurricane but at some point the wind has to stop and I will fall to earth, I just hope I land on my feet.  With God’s help I will, cause I can not do it on my own.
 
 
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Being where


A Being  am not,

even less than that.

Talents Being no have,

hidden in the ground.

The first fruits died,

a fig tree of leaves.

God’s child is the Being.

from the heart of God,

lives His spirit, deep within.

It is the last straw,

Being holding on.

Humble crouch to the ground,

in silent cry,

at the feet of God.

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Mud up to the Ankles


Another week of muddy feet.  The last tsunami has long since gone but the water is taking its time to recede.  I hosted a dinner party Saturday night, it turned out great all the food I prepared was wonderful and every dish was cooked to perfection.   Which is something!  cause it was a 3 coarse meal and you know something is always over done or under done, I had good timing however and it was great. 

The bad part of the weekend I was fighting the depression again.  I have felt like I want to cry but can’t either find the energy or the time to let it out.  It won’t come out.  Its like being on the verge of a sneeze that tickles but never gives you the satisfaction of letting it all out and clearing your system.  I have to sit down with my husband tonight– we are going to have a financial discussion.  I am having trouble paying my bills and can’t seem to make ends meet and I can’t get it together.  So we have to make a plan so he can absorb some of my dept and I will be signing over my pay cheques to him.  I will get an allowance.   It kills me to do this.  A little more of my identity sucked away.  The one thing I never wanted to do was to was lose my identity when I got married.  I have my own credit cards I have my own bank accounts I have my own bills,   I pay for my own cars.  My credit rating is better than my husbands.  I am floundering each month I don’t know where my money is going, I am forgetting things, I am purchasing stuff I don’t need, I don’t know what I am doing.

Sunday was communion and as I kneeled at the foot of the cross and took my bread and drank my wine, I cried out to God what is happening? God I hate this mess? Do you hear  I am suffering.  God please help me to get it together.  God gently told me patience.  Patience, it makes me angry.  It’s like saying to someone who is mildly upset and saying ” Some one seems to not be able to control their temper”  immediately that person gets angry!  I know God has what is good for me in mind, and I have learned a great deal about me and my relationship has greatly increased with God my Father.  I know that God is with me and will not leave me.  I know that God is protecting me from evil and is keeping the darkness away from me. But my mind has found new ways to fool me and the devil has found new ways to confuse me and aggravate me.  So I patiently will try to trust God with all my heart, mind (what there is of it), and soul.

I have a doctor visit next week to monitor how I am doing and renew my prescriptions.  Today I have no idea how to describe what I am going through.  But in the mean time I am praying about the appointment and asking God to give me the answers I need for her and the wisdom she needs to deal with me.  I will again put it in Gods hands and see if I can leave it there for more than a moment.

God Bless you —-till next time