My twig is cracking, I have been holding on for dear life but the twig is starting to crack – it is preventing me from sliding down the mountain I have been sliding down for a while. I am looking wildly for a larger twig to grab but I can’t seem to see one. I have been praying, I have been trying to keep my eyes up focused on God. Sunday I dipped low and I was telling myself, “I look to the hills from where does my help come from, It comes from the Lord the maker of heaven and earth.” I am trying to keep my concentration on God. Its hard the mind is a storm of thoughts. Today is Monday and I don’t have a whirl of thoughts I am just numb, no thoughts, no energy just numb. I think this must be what its like to be high on drugs. You feel nothing, you think nothing. One of my readers said that you always feel like you are crawling out from under something. That is how I feel. I get though this day, the next day it falls upon me, I crawl out again, but the dirt and grim of the last crawling never comes off. The heaviness of it never leaves totally. The line from Shakespeare comes to mind “Out, damned spot! out, I say!” , Macbeth, 5.1 . The spot of darkness never leaves, the spot of confusion, the spot of illness, the spot of numbness, stays upon my heart and mind. I guess that is why it is hard to reach beyond the depression.
The soul and heart and mind are intermingled, and where is the line between? The line is a blur. My heart will feel down cast and my mind try to cheer it up. My soul cries out for God to come near, and he does but the mind is looking the other way, it can’t take its eyes of the grieving heart who is wondering where the mind, it knew and loves has gone. The mind is confused and has forgotten to cheer up the heart, it barely remembers the heart and soul. The mind is caught in a storm like a feather in the wind. God’s spirit, the Holy Spirit whispers in the wind to so the heart, mind or soul will hear it. The Holy Spirit sits tight and still available to tell the thoughts of God and receive the inner crying of the soul, heart, and mind to take its deep groanings to God in prayer. And the storm continues, the heart stays bruised, the soul cries and the mind flutters in the wind. The Spirit is ever near, protecting from the evil and waiting for the mind to see and the heart to feel, and the soul to stop crying.
So tomorrow I start drug #3 hormones, and we will see what happens from there onward.
Lord I continue to pray for your forgiveness and protection, you have told me patience, but I am human, I don’t do patience well but Lord you know what is best for me and you know why I am going through this and I hope and pray that all these experiences can help those who go through this to have hope. For God you are my only hope and I thank you for all the hope you give me. Praise be to you Lord. Amen