The truth of pain.


Lord do not forsake me, for only by your hand is there clarity. For my mind is a jumble of mixed up thoughts. A pile of mixed up words. Darkness of confusion. As I sit in church and look at your cross I want to see the clarity your word. If God is reaching for man and man is suffering in a pain that the painkillers won’t heal and the doctors do not know how to cure, that the wine does not numb, how do you look at God and see his love. Do I not believe in it? My head says yes I believe in his Love but the pain of suffering can not help but make you think that you are being punished. Forgive my unforgiveness and unbelief, for the pain of the confused mind overshadows truth and love and creates a sink hole of darkness. As I take the body and the blood and kneel at the table of God, my mind is a swirl of light, dark, You want to trust but you feel punished, yet you ask for forgiveness. I do not ask for God to take this pain anymore, I have asked and it is still here. I don’t ask cause I fear disappointment. I know in my head that God’s timing is not mine, but God what ever I am to learn from this, how thick am I that I have not learned it, so this pain can be taken from me. A swirl of thoughts as I kneel at God’s table ….I eat, I drink, I ask for forgiveness, repent, yet when I leave, I do not go in peace. Its no where to be found, and that is the pain. A tight heart of hurt, a grip that never loosens, Drugs that numb you and a mind that thoughts are blank.

till next time……

New Week Smaller Demons


Last week was so exhausting.  It was hard to keep things together.  This week is all about me.  I started to refinish my dining room table two years ago.  I ran out of steam then, and decided to leave it for a bit.  I moved it outside yesterday and I should be done it by tonight.  I made a point of not rushing anything.  I went for a run, I ate some breakfast, I bought some groceries, cooked an amazing supper.  Everything I did I did slowly and dilibertly.  I actually managed to get some sleep Sunday night so Monday was great.  Last night I had an hour sleep and I can feel the pulling down of my spirit, but I keep reciting the same mantra “I am just tired at 2 have a nap.”

I managed to make it to church on Sunday I had told friends I would not, they were happy I came.  I didn’t want to, but Sunday I felt a drawing to the church so I went.  I asked my friend to sit beside me.  It seem silly, but last Sunday I was harassed by negativity, I wanted positiveness to surround me I wanted my friend who I knew was praying for me near, my protection, my shield.  God is my shield and should be my protection, but I am still wrestling with my unbelief,  I just wanted a flesh and blood friend beside me.  In the end I was feeling better somewhat at the end of the service and went home in a better place than before.  I guess that is the main thing.

I was told when I am in this down place I should not examine my faith.  This depression is such an ever-changing thing.  I have learned that it’s not a sadness, it is so far from just that I don’t see it connected to depression at all anymore.  I still feel my spirit being pulled down, but it’s so much more than that.  It is attacks.  When my spirit starts to be pulled down, I feel myself withdrawing from people.  I become afraid of them.  That is how it always begins.  Then the negativity starts.  The attacks of voices, your no good, etc, etc. then the questioning, I hear the songs, I hear the bible verses, the sermons I become confused and can not sort out right from wrong.  I can’t sort out truth from lies.  This causes me to become afraid and in cases like last week I have a bad anxiety attack.  It sucks your energy. You think and rethink everything.  You can’t remember things, I can’t talk.  I forget words and studer which only adds to the feeling of insanity, which adds the fact you are not yourself, you forget who that person was, and you belittle yourself more because you are not the person you thought you knew and around and around it goes. If is was only a case of sadness I could deal with just that.  It is a whirl wind like a dust storm. Thick of partials not knowing what  one speck is from another and  where or it should be.

So for today – cause I can’t think of tomorrow.  I will finish my dining room table.  I will make a good supper. I will try to have a nap and continue to ask God to forgive my unbelief.

till next time……..

 

June 12


Just got home from work.  Its a Tuesday and I biked the 45 minute ride home.  The wind left over for a afternoon thunderstorm  pushing against me all the way home. I made it, there was times I thought – they may have to send a search party for me. Trying to stay fit, well I was really fit running half marathons, working out in the early hours of the morning before work, all gone.  I’m lucky if I can pry my clenched unwilling hands from my pillow let alone drop and do 30 pushups.  But biking is perfict.  Gets my heart going and well to behonest, I have no other way of getting home, so I have to bike.   I was late coming home.  I stopped at the drug store to renew my prescription.  I have had a few struggles over the past little while, but sometimes I believe I am my own worst enemie.  I ran out of one of my pills 4 days ago.  At bed time, I would think – darn it forgot to get them again, the next morning slip my mind.  I know I will pay for this later this week but for now I am angry that I can’t remember the darn perscription.

I went to a meeting on Thursday night and because I missed two meetings I really felt called to do the minutes, we take turns doing it.  But I should never have volenterred.  I could not get my mind to concentrate I was having a really tough time following the meeting and taking the minutes.  I was so upset by the end of the meeting I packed my laptop and took off before anyone could say anything to me.  Unsettled mind, I find this fustrating.

The rest of the weekend was great spent some time with friends, did alot of work in the back yard Sunday and got our back yard back into shape after building a new fence. Work this week has been nuts we are heading up to year end at school but that means commencement and year end and that means alot of work for me.  It was crazy today, but I like busy keeps me from thinking.

Its a tough time a year, trying to hold it together mentally and trying to stay focused.  That is the fustrating part.  Its like having a lot of work to do and your drunk.  Except your not happy.  My chemicals in my mind just don’t make me sad, however that happens, it changes how your think, you can’t multi task and follow through on the work.

but I guess it is what it is…..

Oh cloudy day


Its Friday a day all people with Sat and Sunday look forward to.  Having a really bad day out of the blue.  (sorry for the pun I just realized it from last posts title and this post title)  I feel so out of sorts today.  I am shaky, which is interesting cause I haven’t been a long long time, and feeling anxious, to be honest I have one nerve left and every one wants to stomp on it.  Nothing has changed in the week.  Just another day, just another chemical reaction.   No darkness just sad, mad, (angry) physically hurting, and shaky.  Ugg

Dear Lord.

I know that all you do is good.  All you do is right. All you do is fair.

In this day I am not feeling good right or fair.  It is your strength and your love that I need in my heart.

I am weak but you are strong, so cover me over with your hand and keep me safe.

Lead me in your paths, take my hand.

I feel blind today, stumbling around like a blind, deaf,  lost puppy.

Oh Holy Spirit please take this prayer to God with Groanings from deep with in my heart

Cause there is no love no kindness only anger.

I put this into your hands cause mine hands can not handle this

Amen

Easter Monday


Its Easter Monday and I have had a great weekend.  I spent Friday with my Mom, Saturday with my husbands Mom, and Sunday with my best friend and her family.  We are so close her kids are like my kids and my kids like hers.  It was great to have both families together around the dinner table.  All our kids are teens so that was a feet in itself.  We talked and talked and laughed and ate; it was the perfect way to spend Easter Sunday, I can’t think of a better way to spend it. I love this family.

Today, I feel tired.  My son was nice to share his cold, yuck.  I have been feeling a little off today too.  Not depressed, maybe a little sad.  Definitely lazy.  It’s not a wow I had a busy weekend tired, just an ongoing tired.  It takes so much effort to do anything.  And I am tired of it– ya at attempt at humour but bad I know.   It takes a lot of effort to do anything.  some days are better than others but to work out, clean the kitchen, laundry, getting dressed in the morning even stay awake during my lunch hour at work, I had no idea that this was such a part of depression.  I have projects I need to complete here.  I have a half-finished dining room table that needs its finish sanding and a stain.  It has been half done for two years now.  I look at the project and see a huge mountain I can’t finish.  It isn’t I have done larger projects this is nothing really.  I used to be a force to be reckoned with.  Big multi tasker and able to move mountains, I am not moving too much these days. Being tired and my mind works at a different speed now.  I am not able to keep things straight in my head, organized.  I have to write everything down, I can’t keep things together.

One other thing that is physical.  My back.  I have lost my strength in my lower back.  I have always had a extremely strong core.  It is totally gone.  someday it hurts to a point that I think that there must be something seriously wrong with it.  I have never felt this way.  I have never lost strength.  It’s not a lesser strength feeling.  It is a no strength at all feeling.  Some times it is a sharp to the point I have to sit or lay down.

The other thing that I have been feeling is a lack of emotion.  I get excited about things.  I was excited on Sunday to spend Easter Sunday at church and to spend the day with our friends.  I was really excited about that.  But there is this little wall around me.  Just a barrier that seems to separate me from other things.  I can’t describe it I can’t name it.  It’s just a thing that is there.

I don’t want this to be a complaining post.  I am just stating that there are some physical and mental obstacles that are never discussed much.  As for the darkness and negative voices, I have not felt them, and that has been a blessing.

It has been a year this month that I have been writing this blog.  I have gone from ever crowding darkness, loneliness, agony, and pain.  Confusion and paranoia, anger and depths of depression and dark holes I would never wish on anyone.

The meds seem to have brought me to a better place.  I am not done messing with the drugs.  I will not for a while.  I am experimenting with this hormone drug.  Its been almost 12 weeks that I have been on it.  It has made a difference.  I will reassess in three weeks with my doctor to see where I am.

The one thing that has not changed, but has drawn me closer is God‘s Love.   God has taken this time in my life to show me that he is God and he Loves me and always has my back.  In prayer he has taken the darkness away from me.  He has given me options with my Doctor and give me very supportive group of friends and family. Praise be to God and Amen for all he has given to me.

So as I end this post I am still adjusting to this illness, I am starting to get control at least I think that I have some control.  But most of all I am here another day and I will continue to fight, the best I can.  Till next time……………..

Sitting on the ledge swinging my feet


March break is over and its Monday uck! Oh to be retired, I am nowhere near that age, I have lots of years of work yet, but I imagine what it would be like, Hmmmmmmm, nice.  It’s hard to come back to work when the weather is so warm and sunny.  It’s freaky that the weather is so hot when it is still winter.  I went to work with a sweater instead of a winter coat which would be normal.  I have been feeling ok the past week or so a moment of pulling back  moment of sadness, but it doesn’t last long and I am glad for that.  I am still having concentration issues.  I am not the multi tasker I used to be but that is a side effect of depression and its medication so it will one day disapate – I hope.  So I guess I am still sitting on my ledge,  with my feet over the side swinging in the breeze and I am listening to the birds of spring and seeing the flowers of rebirth all around me.  I went to church this Sunday and it was a great service.  I felt no attacks, no distraction, no problems.  I got to worship and enjoy the service, it gave me great peace.

I’m cured!  No, I know I am not.  I still have a strong desire to pull away and close off.  I still have a great desire to be alone and go away for a weekend somewhere by myself.  I fight those desires,  I try to take some time for me to enjoy some quiet time.  I run and that is good for an hour, I meditate and do yoga so that gets me some time too.  I need that time to sort my brain.  That seems to be the norm right now, that I need time to get my mind in order to do things.  Its small steps at a time.  I have found that my aggravation threshold is low, not a good thing for work, but I am getting by.

Positives.  Positives. Positives.  I am alive.  I walk everyday and pray, and see Gods creation in the birds that are singing their spring songs, seeing the earth give forth its colours and rebirth of nature.  I am here! I am not in the darkness, or despair of my life hanging in the balance.  I am working out.  I have managed for 4 weeks to work out on a regular basis, finally.  I have been enjoying most of it too.  I am eating, and eating right.   No junk food, cutting out caffeine, no drinking unless with a good meal on the weekends only.  I have been reading my bible more, and I have been attending church and enjoying the service.  It is nice to feel almost normal, or as close to normal as I have been for a while. So I guess you can say I am hanging my feet over the edge of the ledge kicking my feet in the breeze like a little girl would sit on a swing in the park.  Looking up to heaven and soaking in the sun, the warmth of God‘s Love and the promise of spring in the earth. Praise be to God.

Till Next time……………….

Did someone hear a Crack?


My twig is cracking, I have been holding on for dear life but the twig is starting to crack – it is preventing me from sliding down the mountain I have been sliding down for a while.  I am looking wildly for a larger twig to grab but I can’t seem to see one.  I have been praying, I have been trying to keep my eyes up focused on God.  Sunday I dipped low and I was telling myself,  “I look to the hills from where does my help come from, It comes from the Lord the maker of heaven and earth.” I am trying to keep my concentration on God.  Its hard the mind is a storm of thoughts.  Today is Monday and I don’t have a whirl of thoughts I am just numb, no thoughts, no energy just numb.  I think this must be what its like to be high on drugs.  You feel nothing, you think nothing.  One of my readers said that you always  feel like you are crawling out from under something.  That is how I feel.  I get though this day, the next day it falls upon me, I crawl out again, but the dirt and grim of the last crawling never comes off.  The heaviness of it never leaves totally. The line from Shakespeare comes to mind “Out, damned spot! out, I say!” , Macbeth, 5.1 .  The spot of darkness never leaves, the spot of confusion, the spot of illness, the spot of numbness, stays upon my heart and mind.  I guess that is why it is hard to reach beyond the depression.

The soul and heart and mind are intermingled, and where is the line between? The line is a blur.  My heart will feel down cast and my mind try to cheer it up.  My soul cries out for God to come near, and he does but the mind is looking the other way, it can’t take its eyes of the grieving heart who is wondering where the mind, it knew and loves has gone.  The mind is confused and has forgotten to cheer up the heart, it barely remembers the heart and soul. The mind is caught in a storm like a feather in the wind.  God’s spirit, the Holy Spirit whispers in the wind to so the heart, mind or soul will hear it.  The Holy Spirit sits tight and still available to tell the thoughts of God and receive the inner crying of the soul, heart, and mind to take its deep groanings to God in prayer.  And the storm continues, the heart stays bruised, the soul cries and the mind flutters in the wind.  The Spirit is ever near, protecting from the evil and waiting for the mind to see and the heart to feel, and the soul to stop crying.

So tomorrow I start drug #3 hormones, and we will see what happens from there onward.

Lord I continue to pray for your forgiveness and protection, you have told me patience, but I am human, I don’t do patience well but Lord you know what is best for me and you know why I am going through this and I hope and pray that all these experiences can help those who go through this to have hope.  For God you are my only hope and I thank you for all the hope you give me.  Praise be to you Lord. Amen

Looking the wrong way!


I have spent a week feeling better not back to normal but better.  I still feel like I am on muddy ground since the last wave of depression ripped through my life, but at least I am standing and not face down in the mud.  It was a tough go – as you know if you read my previous blogs.  When I do I can not believe where my mind takes me.  The depth that the mind can take you is unbelievable. The darkness that I felt and seen is something I still can not believe I have experienced.  The things I have put my friends through when I have been out of sorts is embarrassing and shocking, but with out them I could never have gotten this far.  I am sure the same thing can be said by those who go through any life changing event in their lives. I am sure that anyone suffering from illness, loss, or any other heartache can say the same thing.—  How did I get here? where do I go?  Will I ever be normal? Will the pain ever end?

My bible study group this past week we were talking about the holy spirit and the spirit of prophecy and how there are spirits that say they are from God but are not.  Their message does not match the bible’s message. A friend in the study group tells us about a book she read.  It’s a little book called Heaven is for Real, it is written by a pastor whose son almost dies but comes back.  The son is a little boy but comes back and start;s over time, saying all these things about heaven and what he experienced when he was on death’s door.  My friend says something that I wrote down but have been thinking about ever since.  She talks about when she prays she tries to picture what heaven must be like.  She thinks about the majesty of God’s throne and Jesus the lamb of God sitting at his right hand.  She thinks of the angels singing and the grandness of the place where the throne would sit.  This picturing helps her settle her heart so she can remember who she is praying to.  That God is the God of all and creator of the earth the heavens and universe, and all the answers to all things come from him.  There is reverence in her prayers.

It struck me how my prayers have been lately.  I have been side tracked by a tricky mind that lets me down sometimes, gets side tracked by fear and darkness and depression.  It reminds me of a movie the Radiers of the Lost Ark.  The hero ends up in a pit of snakes, and fights them off with a torch of fire.  He is concentrating on the thing he fears that he doesn’t see the bad guys sneak up on him and trap him  in the tomb with the snakes.  My prayers have been in fear.  Instead of looking to God and remembering and imagining what Heaven would be like I was concentrating on keeping my eye on the darkness.  I didn’t want it to sneak up on me but in fact it did– cause it would play tricks on me distract me and keep me from focusing on God so I could pray the prayers and give God the attention that he not only requires, but deserves.  Thank God for the Holy Spirit interceding for me so when I was not correctly praying to God the Holy Spirit could groan to the Lord the prayers I could not pray.  Our focus plays so much on how we do things.  Tonight is Sunday night I have a lovely relaxing weekend.  My house is clean, the laundry is almost done.  I cooked a couple of nice meals,  read a bit took a nap today, but tonight it is still early and I am really tired and I am thinking, is it friday yet? My focus for this week if I keep this attitude will be long and tough.  When in fact I have some neat things to do this week to prepare for the end of the week and I need to relax get some sleep and enjoy what is about to happen this week. God gave me a strong body, a good job and I need to enjoy my work, my home life, and not wish the week away.

So this week I am going to try to keep my thoughts and feelings and prayers on what is heaven like and who is God and Jesus.  And not on the darkness that hides like a spider in the corner of a room, but keep my eyes lifted away from the fear and my heart on God and his majesty where it belongs.

God Bless you — till next time.

November Sunday Night


Sunday night.  I am not fond of Sunday nights.  It is a transition from fun weekend to work week.  I have a particularly busy week with tons of apts and a presentation meeting, and as Murphy’s Law would have it – they land all in the same week.  It will be a bad diet week. I will not have a lot of time to make supper let alone eat it.  I have put on 5 lbs.  I saw my Mother today who is very happy that I look better, from the last time I saw her. She said I was losing my good looks and my face was getting too thin– I love my Mom – so encouraging- actually I really do love my Mom, she has a way with words.   I really think she thought I had some life threatening disease cause she told me she has been worrying about me.  I don`t want to do that, I don`t want her to worry,  I love my Mom dearly,  but I can`t tell her what has been happening in my life.

I had a reunion with my Dad`s side of the family.  My Aunt and Uncles avoid telling stories about my Dad, even though its been 15 years since he passed.  I don`t know if it is because they don`t want to cause us pain or they are still dealing with the death of their brother.  My Dad was the only one who has passed in that family- as far as my Aunt and Uncle`s siblings.  We have this reunion in my little home town, in the same little hall every second Sunday in November.  It’s around the corner from where my Dad is buried, so I go over every year and visit Dad, my grand parents and other long-lost relatives all in the same grave yard.  It is sad but its nice being near him.  To see his name in print and be close to the earthly remains of him.  I usually go alone, today I had my Mom my daughter and husband with me.  Mom was telling us stories of my Grandparents and Great Uncles there as well as other stories about my Dad.  It was nice to hear the stories and see her laugh at the silly things they did.

Family is a funny thing.  You feel so tied to them and as you get older, you hold on to those ties, because they represent who I am.  Maybe I feel that way because I now live in the city and I was raised in the country.  Not all family is created equal.  I have an Aunt who drives me crazy but we put up with her.  I guess I am being sentimental about Family because I have no real connections with my husband’s family.  I get along with his brother, but his Mother! It is a never-ending battle with her.  I can never do anything right and now it seems that I am in the dumpster again.  She tore a strip off me this week, again!.

I know this blog is to be about depression and it is my journey, this but this relationship is another part of some of the stresses I feel in my life.  One of the reasons I am running away for Christmas has to do with my Mother-in-law.  She doesn`t know what I have been through.  I don`t believe I can tell her.  She is very demanding and it seems the older she gets the more hurtful she is.   Last Christmas when I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me she raked me over the coals.  I can not face her this year and I am not making alternate arrangements to spend time with her and after the hurtful things she said to me in the past few days.  I am releaved  to be in Mexico for a week.

So how does this effect my depression well it doesn`t help.  I have been slipping slowly all week.  I was feeling so good and the sadness and loneliness has been stealthy creeping in.  My depression, except for the panic attack last month seems to be more of loneliness, and sadness.  It starts with a feeling like I want to cry but can`t cry to release it.  Slowly the feeling just grows, turns into loneliness and sadness.  I do not feel the shadow of darkness surrounding me, I do not fall in a hole.  I fight it and fight it but after a while it wears me out.

This week I have my second therapist apt. and I have a very busy busy week, maybe being busy is what will help distract me.

God I know this is a journey, I know that you are my Lord my Father.  Thank you for the Good Man you gave me as a my earthly Father.  Even though I feel like I have been short-changed in the length of time I had him as my Father.  I am blessed.  And I know you Blessed me with a wonderful man, and I received more love from him in the 31 years I had, then most people get from a full life time of with their Fathers.  Thank you for him Thank you for being my Father Dear Lord.  Lord I have such disdain from my Mother-in-law, forgive me Dear God Please forgive me in the name of Jesus.  You created her and love her and she is your child.  Help me to love her, and forgive her.  I can not do this on my own but with your help I can be a good Daughter-in-law and I ask for your Grace and help.  Lord I know you are never away from me but I ask that you keep close to me as I go though this time, lead me on this journey and show me your ways. In the name of your son Jesus I give all these things, my heart my soul my life in your hands Amen.