Looking the wrong way!


I have spent a week feeling better not back to normal but better.  I still feel like I am on muddy ground since the last wave of depression ripped through my life, but at least I am standing and not face down in the mud.  It was a tough go – as you know if you read my previous blogs.  When I do I can not believe where my mind takes me.  The depth that the mind can take you is unbelievable. The darkness that I felt and seen is something I still can not believe I have experienced.  The things I have put my friends through when I have been out of sorts is embarrassing and shocking, but with out them I could never have gotten this far.  I am sure the same thing can be said by those who go through any life changing event in their lives. I am sure that anyone suffering from illness, loss, or any other heartache can say the same thing.—  How did I get here? where do I go?  Will I ever be normal? Will the pain ever end?

My bible study group this past week we were talking about the holy spirit and the spirit of prophecy and how there are spirits that say they are from God but are not.  Their message does not match the bible’s message. A friend in the study group tells us about a book she read.  It’s a little book called Heaven is for Real, it is written by a pastor whose son almost dies but comes back.  The son is a little boy but comes back and start;s over time, saying all these things about heaven and what he experienced when he was on death’s door.  My friend says something that I wrote down but have been thinking about ever since.  She talks about when she prays she tries to picture what heaven must be like.  She thinks about the majesty of God’s throne and Jesus the lamb of God sitting at his right hand.  She thinks of the angels singing and the grandness of the place where the throne would sit.  This picturing helps her settle her heart so she can remember who she is praying to.  That God is the God of all and creator of the earth the heavens and universe, and all the answers to all things come from him.  There is reverence in her prayers.

It struck me how my prayers have been lately.  I have been side tracked by a tricky mind that lets me down sometimes, gets side tracked by fear and darkness and depression.  It reminds me of a movie the Radiers of the Lost Ark.  The hero ends up in a pit of snakes, and fights them off with a torch of fire.  He is concentrating on the thing he fears that he doesn’t see the bad guys sneak up on him and trap him  in the tomb with the snakes.  My prayers have been in fear.  Instead of looking to God and remembering and imagining what Heaven would be like I was concentrating on keeping my eye on the darkness.  I didn’t want it to sneak up on me but in fact it did– cause it would play tricks on me distract me and keep me from focusing on God so I could pray the prayers and give God the attention that he not only requires, but deserves.  Thank God for the Holy Spirit interceding for me so when I was not correctly praying to God the Holy Spirit could groan to the Lord the prayers I could not pray.  Our focus plays so much on how we do things.  Tonight is Sunday night I have a lovely relaxing weekend.  My house is clean, the laundry is almost done.  I cooked a couple of nice meals,  read a bit took a nap today, but tonight it is still early and I am really tired and I am thinking, is it friday yet? My focus for this week if I keep this attitude will be long and tough.  When in fact I have some neat things to do this week to prepare for the end of the week and I need to relax get some sleep and enjoy what is about to happen this week. God gave me a strong body, a good job and I need to enjoy my work, my home life, and not wish the week away.

So this week I am going to try to keep my thoughts and feelings and prayers on what is heaven like and who is God and Jesus.  And not on the darkness that hides like a spider in the corner of a room, but keep my eyes lifted away from the fear and my heart on God and his majesty where it belongs.

God Bless you — till next time.

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2 thoughts on “Looking the wrong way!

  1. Naphtali says:

    You are getting there! blessings and prayers coming your way!

  2. Thank You Naphtali, one muddy step at a time. :). For now i still fear the next wave but I am trying to keep my focus up not at what I fear most.

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