Monthly Archives: October 2011

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Hedley – Invincible- Wishing


Took a long hard look, at my life.
Lost my way, while I was fighting the time.
A big black cloud, stormy sky.
Followed me, while I was living a lie.
So heartless, so selfish, so in darkness, when all your nights are
Starless,
You’re running outta hope.
But I found the strength inside to see, found the better part of me,
And I’ll never let it go.

Its been along week of struggles.  Lonely, down, fighting the darkness and lost.  The words of Hedley’s song describes my heart and the darkness that is there.  The video when he is standing still in the storm and rain is how my spirit feels.  I have conceded that I need counseling.  I can not do this on my own.  I feel so helpless and besides expressing how I feel here in writing I desperately need someone to talk to and help me deal with the darkness that is haunting me, I do not feel invincible. I feel anything but, but this song inspires hope.  I am in the process of interviewing councilors at a local agency to find a good fit.  I have come along way in getting over my embarrassment of this illness.  It is an illness and besides the drugs I need some therapy, cause if I am going to live with this and it will soon be a year of drugs and living in fear and darkness.  I have to be able to cope.  I thought this was a temporary thing, here today gone tomorrow, its not that; the months go by and the months go by; I’m ok, I’m down, it isn’t ending soon and who knows when.   The hardest struggle is putting on the poker face everyday to say that I am ok, nothing wrong, I am doing fine.  Some days it takes all my strength to push through the day.

There are good days – every day is not like this past week – it comes in waves, this wave I’m on is bad, the next wave will be good.  But I keep waiting for the shoe to drop when the good wave comes.  It is that fear that rips me apart.  A couple of weeks ago it was great, I was feeling pretty much normal – feeling almost like myself. When I feel the slip coming on, I fight it, I will not fall this time, I will not let the negativity and loneliness grab me.

Its like running.  The day is perfect you start to run your thinking-ok let’s do 6 km, then you get to 4 and you think ya I can push this I can to 10.   At 8 you are feeling I can do 12 you go, you go, you go, and then, you start to crash, and you push and push and think I will not let my body dictate what, and how I will feel.  But your body and your mind separate. One wants to, the other says No Way.

So where is the Lord in all this.  Where is my God – and why do I need a therapist to talk to instead of God?  Those are tough questions.  They deserve good answers.  I don’t have the answers.   The loneliness and isolation I feel is a good reason to talk to someone.  I am in the midst of looking for a Christian therapist so I will have a God discussion.  Here is what I do know.  If I believe in anything I want to believe in truth.  I do know every word in the bible is truth and it is that truth I hold onto.  God is Love and it is that love I need to hold on to, to survive another day.  Still why the therapist?  I don’t trust my grip.  The dark words are relentless.  Think of it this way.  God is always there he holds me when I don’t know, he is always beside me waiting for the asking – He is polite, good and perfect forever.  Darkness is pushy, rude, and relentless.  Darkness does not wait and ask you, he attacks like a robber.  God is always waiting for us to ask for his help to build a relationship with us.  Darkness does not want a relationship it wants to devour you and will dress itself up anyway it can to draw you in.  The therapist is my buffer in keeping myself on track.

This is my prayer, this is my hope, it is also my fear.

till next time

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October Dr apt.


October Dr appointment follow up; besides being painful, a flu shot, it was the first Doctor’s appointment that I did not get an increase or change in prescriptions.  I am reprieved for 3 months.  So based on my previous posts in the last weeks how did I do it.  I told her I was feeling much better.  Not a total lie, I am feeling better except for this latest dip.  I have been feeling very sad, lonely and wanting to isolate myself the past week  Been taking my anxiety pills and that has made some things better. I guess you can say I did lie to the Doctor, but for good reason.  Its only been a month since my new pills, and I do not want anymore.  I want 3 months to see how I am doing and adjust.  Most of the side effects are gone from starting a new pill.  I still get dizzy spells, a little shaking but I don’t want to mess with the drugs anymore for now.  We will see what the new year brings.  I gained a huge 2 lbs in the last month so the doctor is not happy, that and another reason not to see her till 3 months, tired of being told off.   I have taken a break from some of my church activities. To be honest I would like to take a break from church, my husband would never let me and the kids need to be there.  I am still playing in the band but I am taking a break from Sunday School Music till the new year and the prayer group.  I am frustrated and tired.  I have been fighting demons over the past few days and I cannot pray any more.  I am in need of sleep and some time alone to gather myself. As this week ends I am not sure if I am sad or tired of the daily struggle.

Is this a new aspect of depression or of the time of year.  I was talking to a friend about Christmas,  I realized I just can not do Christmas this year.  It will be hard enough to get the decorations up.  But it dawned on me how afraid of Christmas I am.   Maybe some of this stress is from in-laws who I have only seen twice since last Christmas.  I have a dinner to go to next month and I am paralyzed at the thought of going.  I feel like I am a bunch of knots inside.

Jesus says in John 14:  do not let your heart be troubled Trust God and trust also in me (Jesus).  but I fear, I tremble,  I am unsure, paranoid.  I hate the helpless feelings that come with the loneliness and brokeness.  John 14:6  Jesus says I am the way the truth and life.  I know these things I know them in my heart, and in my head and in my soul. God also says come all those who are weary, I am weary but I will trust God I will try to resist the lies that I do not need God, church, and friends to complete me.  But everyone depressed or not need these things.

So I again ask God to forgive me in my denial of him, Forgive me in my closing of my heart, Forgive me in my isolation, I need to be under Gods wing and protected from the evil one.  Lord help to hear my Shepard calling my name and finding this lost sheep.  Amen

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October evening


I can not say tonight I am writing happy thoughts.  I have spent the weekend at a youth retreat, Aquire the Fire.  A great organization and had good music and good talks for the kids and good worship for all.  It was inspiring and wonderful for my teens and my husband.  But— you were waiting for that eh? I am lost tonight.  I am not in a hole or in a dark place, I am behind a wall I can’t get over.  I was fighting demons this weekend.  I sang the songs I prayed the prayers. but right now right in this place I could walk away from my faith and God.  I could give up my positions on committees and the prayer chain forget the bible study group I’m in a mood to throw in the towel and say to hell with it all. I know this isn’t truth.  I do know these are the lies wanting me follow them into the dark. God has been laying on my heart something he wants me to pray with people about and am not prepared to do. I don’t want to do it.  Truly tonight I don’t want to pray or think about it.

So here is what I will do for tonight. I have been fighting for 2 days now.  I am tired and I can’t fight tonight anymore.  I make no decisions tonight, I will not take a side tonight.  But I will Pray for an intervention from God. – I Pray that Lord please send your spirit close to me and lead me for I am done for today I do not know about tomorrow. I throw the fleece on the ground and ask for a sign.

amen

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October: thinking of Christmas


I know — thinking of Christmas??? My family just booked a vacation to Mexico for Christmas break.  Just me my husband and kids.  No parents, in-laws, or any other family.  We will spend Christmas morning on a beach.  We have never done this and I am looking forward to the heat and break, and seeing the palm trees.  The last time I saw palm trees was 18 years ago.  So needless to say that I am looking forward to it.

A friend said to me “well you are going to miss the celebration of the birth of Jesus”  I said “ya but its something that everyone wants to do sometime take off for Christmas.”  Then the friend said ” True, but then again you were in a bad place last year you didn’t enjoy any of Christmas.”

I thought about last year, the breakdown I had, the deep depression I was in, the endless tears, fears, the darkness that surrounded me.  I hated Christmas last year.  Hate is a strong word but I was confused, I was scared, I truly thought I was going crazy.  When I sat in church and listened to the bible verses being read, it was like the they spoke another language.  I could not understand what they were saying.  On our Nativity night at the church where we dressed up as wise men etc. for the neighbourhood and sang christmas carols and read about the birth of Jesus, I was so angry that night.  To hear the elder read, made me want to put my hands over my ears and scream “Stop Stop, enough”.  I didn’t want to hear the good news of Jesus’ birth.  The lie had me convinced that I couldn’t believe it, and don’t listen to it.   That was last year.  This year when I had the discussion about my coming trip, I thought about Christmas Eve, how we would miss the evening candle light service; my favorite, and all the things we usually did to make Christmas special at home.  Then it hit me.  When we booked the trip and everything was said and done.  I was so relieved.  That was the feeling I felt.  Not excitement, not  “what an adventure”, I just felt relieved, like someone had taken a burden off my shoulders.  In my meditations this week it came to me;  Your running!  From what? From last year.  Last Christmas.

Running, I was in a lot of pain last year.  I suffered from panic attacks, deep depression, and paranoia.  I was being shadowed by darkness, in a way I had never experienced before, and it scared the crap out of me. This trip is going to take me away from all the usual events we do every year at Christmas.  Christmas Eve service and party at the neighbours.  Christmas day presents breakfast and coffee with kids and dinner with family.  Boxing day with the other side of the family.   December 27th is pajama day, no one gets dressed and lays around all day.  This year I was to host my side of the family Christmas and my in-laws on Boxing day.  Both events last year were very hard last year, I was so sad, and they thought I was being snobby.  They never figured that I was suffering from anything and I was too embarrassed to say anything.

So now what? What do I think of this revelation? I think its right.  I am running.  I can’t face the families, the services, the parties, the events that I couldn’t handle last year.  What am I afraid of?  I am better these days for the most part.  I have been feeling sad and lonely this week but nothing like before and I can talk myself out of it for the most part.  Being around a lot of people sometimes makes me anxious, but I am trying and sometimes I take my anxiety meds. or if I can, walk away and take a breather for a minute or two I can handle it.  Panic attacks are gone for the most part, the darkness seems to be leaving more and more.  Today it seemed closer but it’s still along way off.   I feel God is near me and I trust him completely to look after me.  I don’t feel crazy anymore.  I have adjusted to this illness and not so embarrassed anymore.  Does any of my extended family know-No but I will deal with that another time.  There are people you can tell you are going through depression, and there are people who don’t understand it at all, that is my extended family.  So ya I guess I am running.  I can’t face Christmas in Canada yet.  I can’t face family and Christmas church events yet.  The pain and brokeness from last year is too fresh.  I have come along way baby ( sorry couldn’t resist the line) but  in some ways I feel I haven’t come far enough.

So this year I will try to have some Christmas traditions in Mexico.  I am sure we can create some new ones and maybe we can find a church service on Christmas morning.  I think it maybe a time of healing and maybe next year I can cope better.

All with Gods help cause truly I can do nothing by myself. Through God there is healing. Through God there is hope.  Through God there is life.

Amen

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Happy Thanks Giving


Canada just celebrated Thanks Giving this weekend, it was an amazing weekend.  The weather was hot and sunny.  I sat in my back yard for a couple of afternoons in my bathing suit soaking up the sunshine. Swam in my pool – not so warm, but we relaxed, ate some good food, stayed up too late, and hung out.  All the things you are suppose to do on a long weekend.

So how did my depression do- well I have to say that it did pretty good.  I am quietly optimistic that the side effects are calming down and today even though I am tired, they are calm.  To be honest I am afraid to say it out loud cause they have been good.  I suffer from dizzy spells, and a little shaking ( it never goes away) but all in all I am feeling better.

That is an easy statement to say when you are feeling good.  You can climb any mountain, forge every stream!! Tomorrow I may be face down in a dark hole, but today I bask in the light.

I have been reading a book lately that has been discussing God and life and hardships.  As we go through hardships; and lets face it there is no life, that doesn’t go through hardships, the more we trust God the easier it is to go through them.  God never causes the hardships.  God never orders pain. We suffer from things that are usually our (humans) cause.  Cancer is caused by the chemicals we are putting in this world.  A fatal car accident is caused by a mistake or a drunken driver, or some decision made by someone who causes other things to domino. A break up in marriage is cause by the couples failure somewhere in the relationship.  My depression is caused by chemicals in my brain misfiring.   This world is unpredictable, unsettling, never constant, ever-changing.  What can we count on?  God created every human being and animal on this earth.  God created everything that has breath. We can count on the fact that God made us out of love for us, as his children.  We can count on our reconciliation with God through Jesus‘ death on the cross.  We can count on every word in the bible as truth, and a history of man kind and our Lord. We can count on the Prince of darkness to be eternally jealous of the devotion and love we give God, and will try to trip us up at every chance he gets, and blame God for it every time. But best of all when we screw up, when we are in trouble or when we suffer setbacks and illness and every suffering heart, Jesus cry with us and God uses our bad situations for his good.  He does not wait to punish us or exploit a bad situation.  But he uses bad situations to show us his Love and power, and teach us to love and trust him more.  Have you ever learned anything from having it handed to you?  Has a relationship gotten deeper when everything goes well all the time?  Do you know your true friends when you party with them or when you cry with them?

In this journey of depression, I have had the rug pulled out from under my feet when I never saw it coming, and knocked out cold.  I have taken some large steps forward in my relationship with God.  I have also learned to trust him and I have learned things about myself I never knew before, and I have learned who my true friends are and that they are Great true friends.  In order to do this God slowly showed me each step of the way, what was truth and what was darkness masquerading as truth.  He showed me not to be afraid, and how to listen to him.

Pain and suffering is like a pearl.  In the oysters world a grain of sand is an irritant.  It causes pain in the oyster but over time it creates something beautiful from the trouble.  God takes our pain and troubles and uses them as an opportunity to build a relationship with him and take us to a new level of commitment and love – if we allow him.  God never said there would be no pain in this world.  He did say we would never face it alone. We have the Father, Son and Holy Spirit to guide protect and lead us in this troubled world.

Till next time God’s Blessings

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Depression and Death


It’s the first week of October and its been a tough one.  I work  for a High School in the office.  I work the front desk, I am the face of the school the first contact and I have a lot of contact with the students.  I live in a large city and there are several High Schools near by.  At two different High Schools we have had two 17 year olds who committed  suicide.  Depression related. My heart breaks for these students families, because they are planning funerals instead of where these kids are going to school next year.  One did it on Monday the second on Tuesday.  I spent most of the day talking to students who were their friends about what depression is like and how dark it is, and that the voices that they were hearing no one could break through. These students are young and dramatic and I don’t think they understood, but I listened and listened and consoled the best I could.

So what do you say? I can tell you what I didn’t say.  I didn’t admit to anything.  I would never tell people that I understand that darkness, that these students faced.  I didn’t tell them that I have seen the road that they traveled down, heard the voices calling down into the darkness.  I have felt the desperation, the loneliness, the isolation of that kind of darkness. How close it has come to me.  It has sat on my back for a day taunting me keeping me in a state of panic, till I could not resist anymore and it smothered me. How that night my husband came home and saved me.  The darkness and its lies are strong.  When you face them and need to fight them it’s not a “lets brighten up ” moment.  It’s a Godly intervention type of moment.  Where you need the prayers of the saints and someone to take your hand and save you.  There is no strength, there is no will, that type of fight, takes it all out of you to the point where you don’t fight, you die.

But for these two boys, they did not die alone.  They may have planned it that way, they may have thought they were totally alone.  But Jesus was with them.  In John 15 Jesus says” though you did not choose me, I choose you” and “You are no longer servants I call you friends”.  Psalm 23″ Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for you are with me”.  Jesus went with these boys.  A shadow can only be cast when there is a light.  Death is the shadow, God is the light. Jesus made it possible to pass from the dark to light. Jesus said on the cross “forgive them for they do not know what they do”  He was praying to God to forgive the men who were murdering him.  But I think this prayer to his father is also for these two boys for they were surrounded by the darkness and they did not know what they were doing.

If you suffer from depression you can only resist the darkness with the power of the light.  You can only resist the temptation of depression and the voices and the negativity with help from the God who loves you.  We can not do it with out him. If you know someone with depression, be alert.  Anything sudden, mood change from dark to happy or the other way, any thing that makes you stop for the slightest second and wonder where they are heading.  Stop them, be with them, talk to them or maybe just listen.  It may be the life you save.

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October – believe that fall is here.


It’s the first week in October.  Its cold, I wore a leather coat today.  It is inevitable that winter is coming.  I was born in Canada this isn’t a new thing to me – fall/winter.  But I don’t like being cold, but I am a farm girl, a Canadian girl, grew up in the snow belt, so no more whining about cold – I will suck it up- buy a sweater.

What is new in the life of depression.  Well, two weeks or so on the new drugs and some of the side effects have disappeared.  When I first took them half way through the morning I felt numb, my brain was in a fog.  That seems much better this week.  The shakes, well even they seem a little better.  The anxiety, well still working on that one.  We were to a friend’s place for dinner Sunday night I was doing good for the first half of the night and started to feel my heart pounding and jittery, so I took an anxiety pill and survived over dinner but when we got to desert I was starting to slip.  My husband noticed and told me the little things he does to lift me up.  I was getting tired and I had enough of being with people.  There were 8 of us and I was done.  But we soon left after that.  I went home took my anti-depressant pill in bed by 10:30 awake by 3 am but did manage to get back to sleep this time for an hour or two.  I went to work feeling clearer, a good sign.  I went shopping after work for new dress pants.  I wore some on Sunday that were horribly large on me.  I love those pants but I must have some alterations on them they are a size 4 I bought a nice dress pant size 2 today.  Since my dr. apt a few weeks ago I have lost a little more weight.  I am eating a little more some days.

I have been beating myself up over my weight loss and the lack of appetite and seeing it as a huge sin and on Sunday God and I separated it.  I saw this huge wall that I couldn’t get around.  I was hurting my body and saw that as a sin and yet the darkness I was holding on to.  Sunday God and I separated it.  It is not a wall between me and my father.  It is a condition, caused by first the medication.  I am not hungry, the meds suppress appetite, not my fault.  I eat and I don’t feel well afterwards, to the point of feeling like I could throw up ( I have never done that).  So fear of being ill and the pain of eating keeps me from eating much.  As for God it is the darkness that wants me to believe that it is a wall between me and God. God showed me this weekend that he is separate from that.  My lack of eating and loss of weight that I saw as a sin and keeping me from Gods love, forgiveness, joy.  As I looked at the cross at the front of the church and looked at how smooth and even pretty it was, unthreatening.  I thought about what the cross that Jesus hung on looked like.  Two pieces of  rough wood, large spikes through his hands and feet and how he separated himself from God, the pain the agony the death.  Why? so I could come closer to God, so God and I could have a relationship.  Jesus’ death bridged the distance between me and God over my sin, Jesus took all our sin on him and rose again to be with God so we could be forgiven.  He defeated death and darkness.  But as I have said many times, darkness and depression want you to believe that God does not matter he does not love me and I should not love myself.  That no one cares.  But God loves me dearly and there is no wall between us it was the darkness creating a lie that I could not be loved by God because if my eating issues ( I can’t call them a disorder – yet).  The wall disappeared and the eating issues seem smaller now.

The thought of someone going through depression with no contacts, support groups, no prayers for them, no God.  That darkness is black.  I scares me that someone could be so lost, and yet be in a crowd.  God can conquer all he has done it with me.  Last post I asked God to cover me with his wing so I could hide and prepare for the next day and he covered me came to my heart healed some of the brokeness showed me the light through the window to go another day, another few hours till the next anxiety attack. And he lifted me up so I could love Him and me. Through his word in the bible, through the words spoken on Sunday in the sermon, in the songs I was teaching the Sunday school class, and in the most kindest words from my best friend, God made sure I knew that I was loved and forgiven.

So does that mean I am cured was it a weekend of miraculous healing.  No it was not.  I had the shakes for a bit today, my heart was pounding this afternoon and I felt anxious, it was not an attack but I calmed my spirit and rode the wave.  I nibbled tonight for supper, not a whole lot but I put a little something in me. I feel broken still, not as much as yesterday and maybe less tomorrow.  I am not cured, but in this journey God is showing me his power and I will be cured in due time – God’s time.  In the mean time I write here, pray for those who read these blogs and hope that no one will ever go through depression without talking to God and having him save their heart and soul.

God Bless you and May he show you the way out of the darkness and into the light – where there is peace beyond all understanding and joy and love you can only get through the Father Son and Holy Spirit.  Invite them into your heart and soul, for a brighter and better tomorrow.   Amen