Took a long hard look, at my life.
Lost my way, while I was fighting the time.
A big black cloud, stormy sky.
Followed me, while I was living a lie.
So heartless, so selfish, so in darkness, when all your nights are
You’re running outta hope.
But I found the strength inside to see, found the better part of me,
And I’ll never let it go.
Its been along week of struggles. Lonely, down, fighting the darkness and lost. The words of Hedley’s song describes my heart and the darkness that is there. The video when he is standing still in the storm and rain is how my spirit feels. I have conceded that I need counseling. I can not do this on my own. I feel so helpless and besides expressing how I feel here in writing I desperately need someone to talk to and help me deal with the darkness that is haunting me, I do not feel invincible. I feel anything but, but this song inspires hope. I am in the process of interviewing councilors at a local agency to find a good fit. I have come along way in getting over my embarrassment of this illness. It is an illness and besides the drugs I need some therapy, cause if I am going to live with this and it will soon be a year of drugs and living in fear and darkness. I have to be able to cope. I thought this was a temporary thing, here today gone tomorrow, its not that; the months go by and the months go by; I’m ok, I’m down, it isn’t ending soon and who knows when. The hardest struggle is putting on the poker face everyday to say that I am ok, nothing wrong, I am doing fine. Some days it takes all my strength to push through the day.
There are good days – every day is not like this past week – it comes in waves, this wave I’m on is bad, the next wave will be good. But I keep waiting for the shoe to drop when the good wave comes. It is that fear that rips me apart. A couple of weeks ago it was great, I was feeling pretty much normal – feeling almost like myself. When I feel the slip coming on, I fight it, I will not fall this time, I will not let the negativity and loneliness grab me.
Its like running. The day is perfect you start to run your thinking-ok let’s do 6 km, then you get to 4 and you think ya I can push this I can to 10. At 8 you are feeling I can do 12 you go, you go, you go, and then, you start to crash, and you push and push and think I will not let my body dictate what, and how I will feel. But your body and your mind separate. One wants to, the other says No Way.
So where is the Lord in all this. Where is my God – and why do I need a therapist to talk to instead of God? Those are tough questions. They deserve good answers. I don’t have the answers. The loneliness and isolation I feel is a good reason to talk to someone. I am in the midst of looking for a Christian therapist so I will have a God discussion. Here is what I do know. If I believe in anything I want to believe in truth. I do know every word in the bible is truth and it is that truth I hold onto. God is Love and it is that love I need to hold on to, to survive another day. Still why the therapist? I don’t trust my grip. The dark words are relentless. Think of it this way. God is always there he holds me when I don’t know, he is always beside me waiting for the asking – He is polite, good and perfect forever. Darkness is pushy, rude, and relentless. Darkness does not wait and ask you, he attacks like a robber. God is always waiting for us to ask for his help to build a relationship with us. Darkness does not want a relationship it wants to devour you and will dress itself up anyway it can to draw you in. The therapist is my buffer in keeping myself on track.
This is my prayer, this is my hope, it is also my fear.
till next time