October Dr apt.


October Dr appointment follow up; besides being painful, a flu shot, it was the first Doctor’s appointment that I did not get an increase or change in prescriptions.  I am reprieved for 3 months.  So based on my previous posts in the last weeks how did I do it.  I told her I was feeling much better.  Not a total lie, I am feeling better except for this latest dip.  I have been feeling very sad, lonely and wanting to isolate myself the past week  Been taking my anxiety pills and that has made some things better. I guess you can say I did lie to the Doctor, but for good reason.  Its only been a month since my new pills, and I do not want anymore.  I want 3 months to see how I am doing and adjust.  Most of the side effects are gone from starting a new pill.  I still get dizzy spells, a little shaking but I don’t want to mess with the drugs anymore for now.  We will see what the new year brings.  I gained a huge 2 lbs in the last month so the doctor is not happy, that and another reason not to see her till 3 months, tired of being told off.   I have taken a break from some of my church activities. To be honest I would like to take a break from church, my husband would never let me and the kids need to be there.  I am still playing in the band but I am taking a break from Sunday School Music till the new year and the prayer group.  I am frustrated and tired.  I have been fighting demons over the past few days and I cannot pray any more.  I am in need of sleep and some time alone to gather myself. As this week ends I am not sure if I am sad or tired of the daily struggle.

Is this a new aspect of depression or of the time of year.  I was talking to a friend about Christmas,  I realized I just can not do Christmas this year.  It will be hard enough to get the decorations up.  But it dawned on me how afraid of Christmas I am.   Maybe some of this stress is from in-laws who I have only seen twice since last Christmas.  I have a dinner to go to next month and I am paralyzed at the thought of going.  I feel like I am a bunch of knots inside.

Jesus says in John 14:  do not let your heart be troubled Trust God and trust also in me (Jesus).  but I fear, I tremble,  I am unsure, paranoid.  I hate the helpless feelings that come with the loneliness and brokeness.  John 14:6  Jesus says I am the way the truth and life.  I know these things I know them in my heart, and in my head and in my soul. God also says come all those who are weary, I am weary but I will trust God I will try to resist the lies that I do not need God, church, and friends to complete me.  But everyone depressed or not need these things.

So I again ask God to forgive me in my denial of him, Forgive me in my closing of my heart, Forgive me in my isolation, I need to be under Gods wing and protected from the evil one.  Lord help to hear my Shepard calling my name and finding this lost sheep.  Amen

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Doctor Apt.


Doctor’s appointment today and right after a busy weekend.

First off the weekend.  I felt like a normal person.  Almost me!.  It was a very busy weekend.  Saturday I spent most of the day at a Women’s conference which was wonderful.  I spoke for apx. 40 minutes on Fellowship.  It was a well written piece of work and I enjoyed giving it and I enjoyed speaking God‘s word.  It was a joy to do and I felt like a instrument of God’s plan.  I felt so blessed by the whole event.  I felt God had given me the words it all fell into place quickly and in the end when I was praying the last prayer it was a situation where I opened my mouth and God just had the words fall out.   It was one of those rare times in life where you don’t mind being used. At least used by God. But there is an even better part to all of Saturday, I did it without any anxiety meds. I did it on my own.  That makes the whole event even that more special to me.  Praise the Lord.

Sunday I was feeling still pretty up.  The youth band I play in was playing at an out door service and it went over well.  Everyone was happy with the music it was good.  I started to shake about half way through the service, I was starting to get that I have to run away feeling.  It could have had to do with the fact that there was a bbq happening after the service and I didn’t want to eat. I spent the time packing up equipment which I needed to do but I was trying to avoid the food table.  It wasn’t a “I’ll get fat thing” this is nothing to do with that.  Its like being afraid of heights and you have to walk over a high rope bridge to get to work everyday, and your scared to death to do it.  The thought of eating just makes me feel ill.  I really have to force myself to put food in my mouth.  Seeing this in writing just makes me feel so ashamed.  I was not feeling well to begin with Sunday, I taught my children to share.  Except that they shared their cold with me.  What ever the reason, I was popping my anxiety meds, and they helped.  We came home, my husband and I exhausted.  We hit the hot tub had a large cold beer and went to bed.   I woke up at 1am and proceeded to toss and turn the rest of the night.  But I got up this morning feeling ok so its good. Just suffering with a cold and tired.

The Doctor’s appointment.

I had a long talk with her about all the things I have been feeling; the change in no more panic attacks, just anxiety, the lack of food  the amount of weight I have lost – I weigh less than my 15-year-old daughter – and most of my cloths don’t fit, and the ones I bought in late August to go back to work in are too big for me and I haven’t worn them yet.  My Doctor doesn’t want me to lose anymore weight.  Wants me to buy ensure to keep me healthy.  Something I didn’t know about the antidepressants I am on they surpress your appitite.  So when I am around food the reaction I am having has alot to do with the meds and also the depression.  My doctor explained its a fine line in balancing meds, food, and depression.  So the answer to the sadness that seems to come on out of nowhere.  More meds.  I am now on two anti depressants and one anti anxiety meds.  The side effects!!  well guess what?  the second one also is a appitite surpressant and my doctor wants me to be even more vigilant in my eating.  Its hard now – what next.  The good news (there is actually some – just a little) The additional meds should help me shake less.  We’ll see about that.

In conclusion I am not sure about the additional meds but I am trusting the doctor and if I get worse I am going off everything.  If it helps then Great I just want to be me, I was so close to being me on the weekend, I hurt for it.

Im trying to be optomistic but I don’t want to eat- here is some honesty for you- I know this is a sin but its a darkness that I am hiding in and I don’t want to come out.  That is the truth, that is what I was praying about when I was kneeling at the communion rail on Sunday asking God to forgive the darkness that I don’t want to come out of, and I don’t know why I don’t want to leave. I have so many thoughts swirling around me in regards to this and I can’t understand any of it.  Is it the meds, is it the darkness is it the depression????I don’t know. Its just such a barrier I can’t see around it. I don’t to tear it down.

My husband if he was reading this and I won’t let him read the blogs, he would say what is truth?? The truth is God loves me I preached it all weekend how can I not trust him.  But I do trust him, I do love him, I know he is right, I know the doctor is right, I know all these things.  I know How Great is my God. I have a special relationship with God, he is my all and all.  I guess that is what I have to pray before I eat.  God you are my all and all, you give me it all and help me to be a good steward of the talents you give me.  I want to be fruitful and partake of the fruits of the spirit.  Lord lead me each day in this journey Amen.