October Dr appointment follow up; besides being painful, a flu shot, it was the first Doctor’s appointment that I did not get an increase or change in prescriptions. I am reprieved for 3 months. So based on my previous posts in the last weeks how did I do it. I told her I was feeling much better. Not a total lie, I am feeling better except for this latest dip. I have been feeling very sad, lonely and wanting to isolate myself the past week Been taking my anxiety pills and that has made some things better. I guess you can say I did lie to the Doctor, but for good reason. Its only been a month since my new pills, and I do not want anymore. I want 3 months to see how I am doing and adjust. Most of the side effects are gone from starting a new pill. I still get dizzy spells, a little shaking but I don’t want to mess with the drugs anymore for now. We will see what the new year brings. I gained a huge 2 lbs in the last month so the doctor is not happy, that and another reason not to see her till 3 months, tired of being told off. I have taken a break from some of my church activities. To be honest I would like to take a break from church, my husband would never let me and the kids need to be there. I am still playing in the band but I am taking a break from Sunday School Music till the new year and the prayer group. I am frustrated and tired. I have been fighting demons over the past few days and I cannot pray any more. I am in need of sleep and some time alone to gather myself. As this week ends I am not sure if I am sad or tired of the daily struggle.
Is this a new aspect of depression or of the time of year. I was talking to a friend about Christmas, I realized I just can not do Christmas this year. It will be hard enough to get the decorations up. But it dawned on me how afraid of Christmas I am. Maybe some of this stress is from in-laws who I have only seen twice since last Christmas. I have a dinner to go to next month and I am paralyzed at the thought of going. I feel like I am a bunch of knots inside.
Jesus says in John 14: do not let your heart be troubled Trust God and trust also in me (Jesus). but I fear, I tremble, I am unsure, paranoid. I hate the helpless feelings that come with the loneliness and brokeness. John 14:6 Jesus says I am the way the truth and life. I know these things I know them in my heart, and in my head and in my soul. God also says come all those who are weary, I am weary but I will trust God I will try to resist the lies that I do not need God, church, and friends to complete me. But everyone depressed or not need these things.
So I again ask God to forgive me in my denial of him, Forgive me in my closing of my heart, Forgive me in my isolation, I need to be under Gods wing and protected from the evil one. Lord help to hear my Shepard calling my name and finding this lost sheep. Amen