Happy New Year 2012


Hola.  A week on vacation is never enough- We spent a week in Mexico and it was wonderful.  The sun, sand, time away, all good and peaceful for the soul.  Every morning we would wake to drink our coffee watching the birds and feeling the ever-increasing heat and it warmed my soul as well as my body.  God blessed me with a wash of peace.  I could feel it come over me like a comforting blanket, and lifted my spirits.  The ghosts of Christmas past did not follow me, they stayed in the past where they belonged- it was my greatest fear. I think for me the pain of the previous year frightened me into believing that I could replay or feel them all over again.  That was a lie that the darkness wanted me to believe.  The darkness wanted me to believe that the Birth or our Saviour wasn’t important and I would associate this celebration with pain, not a promise of light.  Jesus‘ birth this year became more to me than any family celebration I have ever had.   We bought no presents, we planned this expensive vacation to get away, and in some ways I was worried I was running away.  It concerned me because next year we would not be able to run away and what then?  Will the darkness find me and sink me down?  The devil knew all the buttons to push.

Here is what happened.  We stepped out of the commercialism, family ritual, expectations of people and left. Sounds like running away- but we just took a break.  What filled those holes.  Love.  We spent time as an individual family, just our kids, just us as a married couple, and reconnected.  We walked away from family problems, personalities and we all have those in our extended families.  We returned and spent two days with dear friends, and connected with them.  New Years Day I am sitting at my table with my friends for dinner, we had our close friends for New Years Eve and the day was our camping friends, and my thoughts were very much on my friends who I couldn’t be with that day and I felt a wash of love, peace, and joy.  Why, cause we get along with friends than family?? Well that may be true partly, I think God was giving me a deeper meaning.  He has blessed my family with friends that are life long.  There is an old saying that says, it takes a village to raise a child.  I was sitting, thinking and being with my village.  My heart overflowed with joy, I was sipping from my saucer cause my cup over flow.

So what does that have to do with depression?  Ya it is easy to feel all warm when you’re at a resort that is all-inclusive and the tequilla was flowing, no wonder I felt all warm and fuzzy!! Yes true, but and its a big BUT. Depression strips away all you hold dear.  Your mind fails you and you feel you are alone, sad, isolated, unworthy, disappointment, failure, better off anywhere else, even death than to be where you are right now.  Depression is a long struggle between feeling good to resisting the sadness which try to seep in and steal your happiness.  There are good days like the past two weeks and there are bad days like previous, and some days your mind completely leaves you in a storm where you don’t know which way is up.  Then God gives you a present like I am feeling now.  Shows me that I am worthy, smart, loved, blessed and in His protection.

As the plane descended on Mexico I was still battling the ghosts of Christmas past, I prayed that God could protect me from the darkness and show me even more of his light and grace.  I kept my eyes focused on him and my family and I felt carried by God through our vacation and even back here in Canada.  As I return to routine I hope that I can continue on this level.  But the chemicals in my brain may not allow it in a week or two or more but in the mean time I prepare as always for the next storm by healing my wounds, coming and studying closer God’s love and creating a foundation that is build on rock and not on sand – to handle any storm!

Happy New Year and God’s Blessings

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October Dr apt.


October Dr appointment follow up; besides being painful, a flu shot, it was the first Doctor’s appointment that I did not get an increase or change in prescriptions.  I am reprieved for 3 months.  So based on my previous posts in the last weeks how did I do it.  I told her I was feeling much better.  Not a total lie, I am feeling better except for this latest dip.  I have been feeling very sad, lonely and wanting to isolate myself the past week  Been taking my anxiety pills and that has made some things better. I guess you can say I did lie to the Doctor, but for good reason.  Its only been a month since my new pills, and I do not want anymore.  I want 3 months to see how I am doing and adjust.  Most of the side effects are gone from starting a new pill.  I still get dizzy spells, a little shaking but I don’t want to mess with the drugs anymore for now.  We will see what the new year brings.  I gained a huge 2 lbs in the last month so the doctor is not happy, that and another reason not to see her till 3 months, tired of being told off.   I have taken a break from some of my church activities. To be honest I would like to take a break from church, my husband would never let me and the kids need to be there.  I am still playing in the band but I am taking a break from Sunday School Music till the new year and the prayer group.  I am frustrated and tired.  I have been fighting demons over the past few days and I cannot pray any more.  I am in need of sleep and some time alone to gather myself. As this week ends I am not sure if I am sad or tired of the daily struggle.

Is this a new aspect of depression or of the time of year.  I was talking to a friend about Christmas,  I realized I just can not do Christmas this year.  It will be hard enough to get the decorations up.  But it dawned on me how afraid of Christmas I am.   Maybe some of this stress is from in-laws who I have only seen twice since last Christmas.  I have a dinner to go to next month and I am paralyzed at the thought of going.  I feel like I am a bunch of knots inside.

Jesus says in John 14:  do not let your heart be troubled Trust God and trust also in me (Jesus).  but I fear, I tremble,  I am unsure, paranoid.  I hate the helpless feelings that come with the loneliness and brokeness.  John 14:6  Jesus says I am the way the truth and life.  I know these things I know them in my heart, and in my head and in my soul. God also says come all those who are weary, I am weary but I will trust God I will try to resist the lies that I do not need God, church, and friends to complete me.  But everyone depressed or not need these things.

So I again ask God to forgive me in my denial of him, Forgive me in my closing of my heart, Forgive me in my isolation, I need to be under Gods wing and protected from the evil one.  Lord help to hear my Shepard calling my name and finding this lost sheep.  Amen