Self love


Been feeling ok these days. I can not say that I feel stellar but I am not in the place I was before Christmas. The darkness is there on the edge of things. Sometimes I think I should name him, but I don’t want to make it a personal thing- giving it a name gives it a home, and it is an unwanted guest. I have been feeling a little pull back from people. I haven’t slept well the last couple of nights- and that doesn’t help me much. Maybe I am just tired. At least that is what I am telling myself. The adjustment in drugs has settled down I am not shaky but now is the test to see if they make a difference. So we shall see – but for today I am feeling a little sad- but I will name it tired.

I have been thinking about forgiveness, I have discussing this over the past posts. The need to forgive those who hurt us is not a natural one, but it is a required one, if I want God to forgive all my sins. My sins against God are much more than those that have been done to me. It is the plank in my eye, the speck in my brothers.

Forgiveness, acceptance, love trust.

These are the things God offers us as his children. These are the things I wrote about forgetting, esp when I am down and depressed. It dawned on me the other day when I was reading my bible, these are an offering to us free from God – it is up to us to accept them. In my knowledge and study of the bible I know that these are truth. They are my free gift, and I should accept them. A block comes up however to accept them. We all want forgiveness, and it is a two-fold thing. Especially if you’re the one who did wrong. First you ask for the forgiveness which in most cases is not that hard to do, but then you have to forgive yourself. Now there is the rub…..
Acceptance of God is again offered as a free gift, but do you accept that gift. It is a huge thing. Its like your best friend giving you an island in the south pacific, with a mansion on it, and a pool and your own boat, and servants. etc etc. I come from the middle of the road income, and came from poor upbringing being a farmer’s daughter, but this is toooooo much even from my best friend. If you think that is a lot, then think about the Master of the Universe who not only made and started your heart, gave you breath, and then calls you his child and accepts you unconditionally. The rub do you accept yourself?
Love from your Heavenly Father. Deeper than anything you can feel. Wider than any love you have in any of your relationships. Freely offered. Again the rub do you love yourself?
Truth do you believe all that I have written in the above three paragraphs are true? In my knowledge I believe it is true. In my heart…..????……

I think that when you are someone suffering from depression, it manifests itself into a life of dark and light. Some of the time you are in the light, you sleep well you do the things you should do, the meds are working. Some of the time however you also live in the dark. You stop sleeping well, or you sleep too much, you don’t have the energy to do the things you should, nor do you care to. I think the amount you except what God is offering to you is in direct relation to how much you love and accept yourself.
If you are in a self hate mood and if you have read previous blogs you know I am good at the self hatered bit. A product of the darkness that has taken over me. The voices start – I am unworthy to be offered anything so wonderful. I am too sinful, which is a christian phrase that means I hate me so everyone does too. I hate the pain in my heart, the suffering, the trying to cope and the energy level is depleted. I want to fight the good fight I want to be the hero, to slay the dragon. Sometimes I don’t know who the dragon is. The confusion starts and then you forget or can’t see what is truth- mist in the eyes of your soul. There is no peace, only loud hating words and never-ending noise that hides the gentle whisper of God.

It is a roller coaster ride. A constant fight. It’s a worthy fight, I can say that today because I still feel I am a child of God. Tomorrow I may be in the darkness. But I write these words to look at later to remind me that the truth may be blurred but it is still truth

till next time…………..

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Things I forget


Back to work after 2 weeks off for Christmas break.  Two weeks of parties, and bad food, lots of drinking, and no working out.  Praise God for stretchy pants, because I am sure I am not going to fit into my dress pants anytime soon.

Today I started back to work and my work out.  I am going to be sore tomorrow and I know it but I have to say that I loved it.  I dreaded going back to work but I got there and realized I love time off but I love my job too, I was glad to be back.

I had a low point yesterday – Sunday.  I don’t like low points but it was a dip, I feel better today.  My first thought this morning was don’t fret, trust God – don’t allow the devil to confuse you, just trust.  I then had the thought how?  I can give my problems to God, but how do you trust everyday.  During my last low point; when I realized that what I was confused about, I had to release and trust God.  I was trying to hard to be in control that I was trusting me, when I should have but my energy into trusting God.  When I realized how tight I was holding things and how crazy it was, when I realized that I needed to give it to God, relief flooded where confusion laid.  Sometimes when your back is against the wall, when you are confused and hurting it is easier; I think, to let go of the control and allow God to take over.  So I contemplate today how when feeling better do you trust.

Today I was reading about Elijah, waiting for the presence of God.  God was not in the power of the wind, the earthquake, the fire, but God made his presence known in a gentle whisper.  It dawned on me that in order to hear the whisper you need two things – quiet and to listen.

In my study of this I am becoming more convinced that the spiritual realm, the kingdom of God is closer than I am willing to admit or realize. The Kingdom of God is not just Jesus coming to earth and saving us from our sins–alone.  In the darkness that invades me, it has snuck up on me, but as it does it creates a fury around me.  It becomes loud in my head and confuses me and invites me into the darkness to hide.  I have hidden in the darkness before, I don’t want to fight, I hurt, I just want to hide, but in the darkness it swallows you and becomes a place of torment and is anything but peace.

The bible says that the Lord is my shepherd I shall not be in want.  He makes me lay down by still waters he restores my soul. God gently whispers, and sometimes we forget to pause seek some quiet time and contemplate who, what, and the relationship we have with God. Society today allows no time for rest, quiet.  When was the last time you sat perfectly quiet, for a length of time. I don’t remember.

My Grandfather was a man of faith.  A man of few words, but besides being a farmer, he was also a writer.  My Grandfather was very outspoken about political issues, and farming restraints that the Government was putting on farmers at the time.  He wrote under a pen name that no one knew it was him, till the day he died.  The newspaper he wrote for, published a full-page article on him and all he spoke about and about his life. One thing about being a farmer – you have time to think.  You have 150 acres to plow, seed, combine, plow again, you sit on tractor for a long period of time and have quiet time with your thoughts. Being a Mom and working full-time I am lucky for time with my thoughts.  We should all strive to have more time like my Grandfather.

In my quiet time, I carved out today, my thoughts were about God and how the bible says don’t be afraid, don’t be anxious, don’t worry, do not fear.  These are the words of God.  He leads us by still waters he whispers, he is gentle and his yoke is easy.  I forget these things.  In the same way when my pastor said “just trust God” I was dumb founded by the simple answer that I forgot.  Is any of this New to me— no.  I know and have relied on all these things in the past.  I forgot. My untrustworthy mind forgot.  So to trust I have to take quiet time to refresh my heart and allow God to gently whisper the things I forget. When I have an anxiety attack or panic attack or become surrounded by the darkness, I can’t hear the gently whisper.  My mind is a rage of noise and its part of the devil trying to steal me away.  I am not saying this will keep me from having an episode, for the chemicals in my brain continue to swirl.  It will help me to cut through the noise, at some point.  I just need to remember.

I guess this is also where my support system comes in.  My husband has always said when I have an episode – “what is truth” for the devil and the conversations I have in my head can lead me away from this truth.  I start to distrust my mind, I begin to distrust my heart, I feel exposed, I hurt, I begin to hate myself.  It is as if I am caught in a torrent of water and rocks and dangers flooding me away to where I do not want to go.  God’s river is quiet, peaceful, deep. These are the things I forget.

till next time …………………

Boxing day, no one got hurt


Boxing day is over and that was the day that I had my husbands and my extended families over.  It was the most stressful day of the whole Christmas season.  Both sides of the family were fussing coming up to this day and I was very angry with the family and how they were acting.  I was ready to call the whole thing off but we proceeded and to be honest the whole thing went great.  At least the day was great.  I woke up peaceful that morning and really didn’t feel stressed out.  We did our cleaning of the house and got ourselves ready and I just started to cook and prepare food one thing at a time.  I just puttzed along and had a sip of tea, then water worked my way up to a glass of wine it was really good.  No sitdown dinner – I asked everyone to come and party.  We asked for no presents just come over and have some fun it seemed to work, everyone seem to be in a good mood and enjoyed

Later my husband and I sat back and looked over our Christmas break, it was a good one.  We got to spend some quality time with our kids.  We got to spend some time together, we got to connect with friends.  We spent some time at church and enjoy our favorate services.  Family during the break were ok and I did enjoy it.

I think the reason I enjoyed it so much was I managed to give over the control to God.  I was so confused before Christmas.  Its funny now that I think about it from this point in time.  Before Christmas I was despeate and confused I wanted to understand and if I understood, I could fight the hurt that I felt in my heart.  It was clinched so tight and I was so wound up and in a panic.  When I sat down with my pastor and was expressing my confusion, I couldn’t put it into words as to what my confusion was over.  Sounds like panic over nothing–but in my mind and in my heart and the physical responses I was confused.  The devil is a master of it.  When my pastor told me that he summed up my confusion over trust and I should  allow God to take over, I felt like I had a ah ha moment.  You know one of those moments when you hit yourself in the forhead with the palm of your hand.  The darkness had me so confused that I only knew I had to be incontrol and when I could solve the mystery and understand the bible verse and set myself free from the confusion.  I was trying so hard to trust in me to try to make my mind make sence, to try to control my ups and down I couldn’t do it.  Pastor said trust in God just Trust in him.  Don’t try to control the things you can’t and give it to God.  I went home and thought it over meditated on it, I could feel the release.  I held to my convictions to give it to God  I spoke my beliefs in church in prayers at home, and even though I was still going up and down as I finished the week I was starting to feel better.

I also started to take more of one of my medications and I think that helped too.

So today I feel ok, made it through Christmas and I am starting to feel a little better – No ghosts following me this year — confusion– the devil is good at that, but God’s love is always with me.  you just have to let it go, and give it to him.

 

till next time

Week before Christmas


A week before Christmas.  I spent an hour or so with my Pastor last night. Today I can say that I am really glad that I went. I’m feeling some peace.  I made some decisions today and I think moving forward in a good way.

Last night however when I got home I was very anxious and upset.  It wasn’t anything he said, he said nothing but straight answers and in kindness and love.  I was anxious, and in a panic because the darkness felt threatened.  I had a huge urge to get rip roaring drunk.  I only had one glass of wine– not a small one but I eventually managed to get myself talked down — at 2 in the morning– but I got there and got some sleep.

Today.  I have some peace.  Every once in a while my heart will race and I feel the grip of anxiety.  I have to say that I admitted some things that have been hidden.  I haven’t been eating and last time I prayed with my husband and my Pastor and confessed it I did better.  I was starting to eat more and then fell off the wagon again.  I am working on getting back to it again.  If I don’t get to it today or tomorrow — Christmas is on its way — I will get back to it then.

I decided to go back to the doctor and I called and made the apt today, I go tomorrow and I will get a referral to where ever my family doctor thinks I should be going.   I told my husband today and he was a little freaked because I was so Not going before.  I discussed this last night and I think I need a second opinion on what I am taking and the right combination and if I have other options.  When my husband heard this he responded I totally agree, finally.  What? What do you mean finally.  He has wanted to suggest this for a while now but was afraid I would get upset.  It surprised me.

Over the past while I have been slowly becoming undone.  The more I became undone the more I tried to control things.  As I spent time in the bible and read the word of God and tried to practically crawl in the book the more I wanted to understand and the more I wanted to control.  The devil is cunning.  He took my scripture and twisted it in my mind to confuse me, he done well, the more I became confused the more I wanted to control things.  I can control the house and what happens here, I can control what I put or not put in my mouth, I dislike myself I can control the things I do, how much I push myself, how much I work out.  Then soon you are at a point that you distrust everything you think, and those around you. I have had some situations dealing with some difficult family members lately that just keep that ball rolling. I was distrusting Christmas, it spirit, its purpose.  I can take you to the point you distrust God.  You distrust your purpose here on earth and why you should even be here.  You try to control your surrounding, your urges, your body.  Your control flows into what you think or what you understand.  That is where I am or working through now.  I wanted to understand passages in the bible but as my Pastor asked me what specifically I want to know, where was I confused.  I have to admit I was stumped.  I could not articulate what it was I needed to know.  And that is the funny thing about it all.  I was so angry for not being in control, I was so desiring to be in control, and my distrust of all things, people, humanity, and yes the bible and even God. was so great.  The devil had done a fine job of confusing me.  I was so turned around I wasn’t even sure as to what I had to understand.

So what now…..its so simple but I– so missed its meaning.  Pastor plainly said instead of distrust just trust God.  God has allowed this illness in my life.  Trust that God knows what he is doing.  Trust that God will lead you to the right doctors to heal or help you. Trust that the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords is supreme.  Trust that Jesus gave the ultimate sacrifice for me.  Say this sentence, out loud–” Jesus the Lord of Lords, God’s son, My brother, The word that became flesh, the babe in the manger, died as an adult on the cross, so that I could come closer, He created me and loves me”.  Saying, Jesus sacrificed for us is so general, sometimes we need to make it personal and say it out loud, because when we say these things out loud, we can scare the devil into retreat.

I had said last night that I feel so lost- and I hate to say feel because depression is as much physical and biological as emotional.  Maybe even more so.  I have felt that I was the lost sheep and no one was searching for me.  It was pointed out to me that I was in the pen.  I was part of the flock, I wasn’t lost but found and was anxious cause I was in the pen and could not hear his voice, however I was in a safe place that my anxiety was making me blind to.

So today– this day. I feel some of the weight lifted off me.  I feel like I am in front of the fire place, just inside from a frosty night.  I am covered in layers that I put on me to protect me from the cold and I am starting to shed them one at a time.   Well I get to a point that I will feel like me? Not tonight, maybe not tomorrow. God knows and I need to trust him on that.  That is my project on the next few days, learn to trust God not distrust all that going wrong in my life. I will use God’s words to cloke me in his trust. – As soon as I spend some time in the bible to find the correct words to cloke myself in.

As for this evening. … Iam exhausted – I have had very little sleep over the past few days and not much in food either–I am too tired to eat…. tomorrow is a staff potluck. so I’ll catch up then.

till next time………………..

 

The Blues


I am down this week.  I am fighting it best I can.  I am being very careful. Watching the right shows that don’t bring me down even more. Listening to the right music, cause the blues can really bring you down more, so I am trying to be up beat. I am reading a something about how God worked through Mary with her virgin birth. How God uses the weak to show the strong who God is and how wonderful and mighty he is.  I look at my nativity’s around my house a the baby Jesus and see true humility.  God’s son, just how we are to come to him.  Humble, helpless, needing a father to teach, guid,e and raise us into his grown children.  It is the example of the true approach to God.  And Jesus the word becoming flesh to be with in us, to be our Shepard and again help us to learn to spread the good news and teach others about our Father Lord God and his Son and his Holy Spirit.

All these words are truth.  All these words define God, Christmas, and all he has done for us. I believe all of it.  ………………………………

BUT

You were waiting for that weren’t you……….. but, in the pit of my heart beside the truth is the pain of depression that blackens my heart and soul.  It has made me very angry this week, I can not raise up this pit.  I am sinking more and more as the week passes.  I believe that God does care and works through me to show love to others.  I have a tatoo of a heart with a vine to representing John 15 on my forearm, I put my heart on my sleeve and I have the triune God symbol on my back to remind me that God always has my back.   But my heart hurts, I hide my forearm tatoo, I am tired of having my heart-broken and I am building a wall to keep it safe.

How do I reconcile what I truly believe; with the depression that clouds my heart.  This is the question that digs the deepest.

till next time…………….

December 2012


So its December now and I was decorating the house and getting into Christmas mode this past weekend.  I was thinking about the Season as it approached and the Ghosts of Christmas past.  I wrote a lot about the negitiveness that followed me over the past years.  My Depression started in full force two Christmas’ ago and I was thinking as I sorted through the good decorations and tired ones, where am I this year.   (Sorting was the theme of the day at my house this past weekend)

I am not in the movie “A Christmas Carol” this year.  The Ghosts are not here or near this time.  I am in a better place.  I think some of it has to do with breaking tradition and running away last year to Mexico with my husband and kids for a week.  This year I am breaking of tradition again.  I think this is what is helping me this year.   I have redefined my Christmas story.  How I want to celebrate it, even what  bible vs to define it.

 I will explain.  We have done the traditional things each year.  We help out with Care and Share at our church and attend the kids program for Christmas Eve service at 7:30 and then we head to our neighbours for a drink and home.  Christmas day has always been a back and forth thing.  The day at one parents, boxing day at the other side, and both sides of the family take turns hosting.  Same old same old.  The last time we did this I was deeply depressed didn’t have a diagnosis and didn’t know what was wrong with me, and was not on medication.  My husband’s family saw this as a pout fest on my part and I was ridiculed for being anti social.  My side of the family we decided to stop the Christmas gift exchange and have a gift party, or rodeo.  Buy a gift, no name, but wrapped, play a game to see who gets it.  My sister-in-law showed up with 4 of the same gifts.  It wasn’t that exciting.  She got mad cause she realized she didn’t understand the game.  A day later we were back at home and I had been begging my husband to go to Florida instead for Christmas.  He conceded and said that maybe we should have gone.  I cried for an hour.

 Last year we went to Mexico the 4 of us as a family.  It was wonderful. A week in the sun at a resort. We were all so happy and all relaxed it was the best thing we ever did as a family.  We told the rest of the family that they were to continue on their own and not to buy us anything cause we were spending all our money on this trip.  BEST thing ever.  It was a real bonding time with the kids especially as one is now in college, 4 hour drive away, and the other is working part time and in grade 11.

This year I decided to try something different.  It is my year to host on both sides of the family, believe it or not this is a blessing from God.  Boxing Day I am having a Family Christmas Party.  Inviting both sides of the family on the same day and party. I sent out invitations, asked them not to bring presents, but come prepared to have some fun and a celebration of family. No sit down dinner, lots of appetizers.  We have some games to play and it should (praying to God for this one) be Great.  In the process of my husband and I discussing this I started to get excited about Christmas.  I have to say I haven’t said that in a few years.  It really has felt liberating.  No running around finding stuff no one wants. No menu prep for large dinners.  The lack of shopping and the more we have spent time just enjoying the season the better it is getting.  Well its only December 3rd I am praying for this.  My only fear is not the season and what it will do to me I think I am ready to face it.  Well at least today I am ready.  My fear is that I have become chemically unbalanced and have a fall. 

I also have one family member who does not understand what I am going through.  I have tried to tell her – three times I have tried to tell her—she thinks I am angry at her and hate her and she does not hear anything I say to her.  I do not on both accounts. (hate or angry at her) I would just like to finish a sentence so she gets it.  I have come to realize that sometimes its better not to even try, some people don’t hear, period, unless its about them.

Sunday the phrase “doing it for God” came out in some bible readings.  Do all you do for God, has always been a hard thing to grasp.  But I saw it with clarity on Sunday.  I have always thought do everything you do to the Glory of God.  Forgiveness to the nith degree, Loving everyone to the nith degree, Doing my Job, raising my kids, etc. etc. to the nith perfect degree.  It has always put a burden on me.  I have a hard time trying to connect doing something — for God, and trying very hard but mostly failing at it and feeling like I am letting God down. Yesterday, however,  it struck me that I decorated my house for Christmas to the Glory of God.  It was so easy. I didn’t clutter my house with lots of stuff,  I didn’t over decorate,  I had thrown out a lot of old stuff I strung every where.  I just decorated simply to please God not anyone else.  I did it for the happiness of the season, and God filled me with stress free, liberating, joy.  It was amazing.   It seems like a simple thing.  God wants the simple things.  Two years ago I took a couple of things out kicked the rest in the storage room and didn’t really do much.  Last year I did just as much cause we were going away for Christmas.  This year I pulled everything out, used the best of what I had and decorated for God.

This has put me in a real sense of peace for this week.  I can’t say that I am on top of the world.  There are a few dips this week but for the most part it is not darkness approaching its a case of feeling a little sad, but I have been able to shake it off.

 

That is all for now, till next time……………………

 

 

 

Depression a case of dismissal


Well here we are 2012.  I am having a tough time writing 2012 it looks wrong to me and I know it’s just new, and  me but it makes me giggle.  I have been doing ok, feeling ok, I have had a couple of gut reactions to things this week.  I have wanted to pull back and not respond to people or friends but I have been making me interact.  I keep reminding myself of my vacation and the peace I felt and the wonderful time I had with my husband and my wonderful children.  Believe it or not I have gained all the weight I lost, plus a couple of pounds and I have some Christmas weight to lose.  I am doing well trying to get back to routine and I have been exercising too so I am good. Mostly.

I have a friend who is in the hospital tonight I want to talk about.  She is also suffering from depression and maybe bipolar. They haven’t finished making that final diagnosis.  It makes my heart sad to see her in such pain.  She has been suffering for a 2 years now.  She had a — lets call it a run in with the night nurse, and she ended up drugged and strapped to her bed last night.  She has a mild temperament,  as she sobbed to me over the phone and told me what happened it broke my heart.  I felt for her but to be honest I also felt selfish.  How far was I from being strapped to a bed?  I have in the past year had a break down, been in some dark places.  Here is the rub of it all and maybe this is what bothers me the most.  When I realized I was suffering from depression I was so freaked out because I thought people would think badly of me and not take me seriously, dismiss me, or think Oh this is just PMS gone crazy– what ever!!!!  Again I say how far was I from being strapped to a bed like a criminal. If you suffer from depression you know there are people I can not tell I am suffering from this illness and that is what it is an illness.  I can not help!  As much as my best friend assures me that I am ok and it is not my fault, I am afraid, and here is where the paranoia sets in.  There are promotions coming up at work- if they knew I was on anti-depressant, would they consider me- I am suffering from menopause depression.  I play in a band, work, take care of my family, cook, clean, exercise, volunteer.  I do so much well should I be rejected as a member of society, rejected as a candidate for promotion at my work because I am on anti-depressant and therefore psycho!!  This is the fear I have been fighting.  This is the reason I have not told some of my family what I am going through, this is why I haven’t told my in-laws and as a result put up with countless personal attacks on me for being difficult when I was really deeply depressed and could not respond in a way they wanted and they verbally trashed me in front of my kids and me.  This is the real reason I ran away this Christmas to avoid the ghosts of Christmas past cause I could not cope with the family, the events and the stigma that goes with depression.

Tonight I am angry and unsettled because I am disappointed that I am one of those statistics – the what ever the percentage of adult that suffer from depression and are made fun of on commercials, sitcoms, and life.  It takes the fight out of me to fight the darkness and gives it reason to take over and end the suffering I have endured.  That is angry talk.  That is passionate talk.  That is desperation talk.

That is the world’s talk.  What is God‘s talk? He thought of me before he created the world. He loving knitted me in my Mother’s womb.  God is Love and I know I am his child and so are all of us and so is my friend in the mental ward.  God will take care of my enemies and place them under my feet.  its just that this world makes me angry sometimes.  I must trust in the Lord and remember he takes care of the broken hearted and uses the weak to increase the Gospel to the ends of the world.   Amen.  It doesn’t mean I can’t be angry at the world!