Its been a couple of weeks since I have written.  Take that as a good sign.  I have been feeling good.  I had a dip the other Thursday, I was on a fishing holiday, being with good friends was wonderful and it melted away.  Today is Sunday.  Happy Canada Day.  I am so tired.  I can not tell you how bad I feel.  I hardly slept last evening.  I had horrible dreams of evil and death and things I can not discribe.  I tossed and turned and eventually became scared to fall asleep. So I didn’t.

I went to church today — we have been out and about for a few weekends so its been a month or so since we have been there.  As I sat there I could feel the darkness slowly sneak up on my and crowd around my back.  It sapped my energy, it confused my mind.  I am in a state of …… I can’t even put words to it.  But I feel broken hearted, I feel confused, I feel like I am unable to concentrate.  The darkness hasn’t been around for a while now– I don’t understand why its here.  As I listened to the service and the sermon I was in a tug of war.  I was being gently lead to step closer to the light, and tugged to hide in the dark.  Its easy to hide in the dark, its easy to curl up give up and hide.  Just a few hours of sleep, some time alone.  Not to be found for the darkness drawnsyou in but there is no peace.  Just a constant stealing of your defences and you.  As the darkness came closer and closer I felt my defences decreasing.  It is this that scares me.  The dreams, the darkness and the confusion.  I fought;  I tried to fight.  I think in the end there was a stale mate.  I am still being hasselled as I write this.

The one lie that kepts going over in my brain is, if God is love he can heal you, but you are not healed so you are not worthy.  I am allowed the depth of this pain for a reason, I don’t understand the reason. If I could touch the hem of the cloak of Jesus I could be healed, like the women in the bible.  I feel like I am reaching– but in reality I am just waveing my arms in the air – blind – confused – and crazy.

Its just a wave a small set back, but if I reinjured a hurt that was purely physical, if I hurt a limb again it would heal because I would do the right things to heal it.  But when there are emotions envolved, you don’t know what to do, how to move forward.

I just hope and pray and meditate that this thorn will be taken away from me and it I am to learn something form it, I pray that I finally figure it out, before I finally lose my mind completely.

till next time…………………

Darkness

Happy New Year 2012


Hola.  A week on vacation is never enough- We spent a week in Mexico and it was wonderful.  The sun, sand, time away, all good and peaceful for the soul.  Every morning we would wake to drink our coffee watching the birds and feeling the ever-increasing heat and it warmed my soul as well as my body.  God blessed me with a wash of peace.  I could feel it come over me like a comforting blanket, and lifted my spirits.  The ghosts of Christmas past did not follow me, they stayed in the past where they belonged- it was my greatest fear. I think for me the pain of the previous year frightened me into believing that I could replay or feel them all over again.  That was a lie that the darkness wanted me to believe.  The darkness wanted me to believe that the Birth or our Saviour wasn’t important and I would associate this celebration with pain, not a promise of light.  Jesus‘ birth this year became more to me than any family celebration I have ever had.   We bought no presents, we planned this expensive vacation to get away, and in some ways I was worried I was running away.  It concerned me because next year we would not be able to run away and what then?  Will the darkness find me and sink me down?  The devil knew all the buttons to push.

Here is what happened.  We stepped out of the commercialism, family ritual, expectations of people and left. Sounds like running away- but we just took a break.  What filled those holes.  Love.  We spent time as an individual family, just our kids, just us as a married couple, and reconnected.  We walked away from family problems, personalities and we all have those in our extended families.  We returned and spent two days with dear friends, and connected with them.  New Years Day I am sitting at my table with my friends for dinner, we had our close friends for New Years Eve and the day was our camping friends, and my thoughts were very much on my friends who I couldn’t be with that day and I felt a wash of love, peace, and joy.  Why, cause we get along with friends than family?? Well that may be true partly, I think God was giving me a deeper meaning.  He has blessed my family with friends that are life long.  There is an old saying that says, it takes a village to raise a child.  I was sitting, thinking and being with my village.  My heart overflowed with joy, I was sipping from my saucer cause my cup over flow.

So what does that have to do with depression?  Ya it is easy to feel all warm when you’re at a resort that is all-inclusive and the tequilla was flowing, no wonder I felt all warm and fuzzy!! Yes true, but and its a big BUT. Depression strips away all you hold dear.  Your mind fails you and you feel you are alone, sad, isolated, unworthy, disappointment, failure, better off anywhere else, even death than to be where you are right now.  Depression is a long struggle between feeling good to resisting the sadness which try to seep in and steal your happiness.  There are good days like the past two weeks and there are bad days like previous, and some days your mind completely leaves you in a storm where you don’t know which way is up.  Then God gives you a present like I am feeling now.  Shows me that I am worthy, smart, loved, blessed and in His protection.

As the plane descended on Mexico I was still battling the ghosts of Christmas past, I prayed that God could protect me from the darkness and show me even more of his light and grace.  I kept my eyes focused on him and my family and I felt carried by God through our vacation and even back here in Canada.  As I return to routine I hope that I can continue on this level.  But the chemicals in my brain may not allow it in a week or two or more but in the mean time I prepare as always for the next storm by healing my wounds, coming and studying closer God’s love and creating a foundation that is build on rock and not on sand – to handle any storm!

Happy New Year and God’s Blessings

Happy Thanks Giving


Canada just celebrated Thanks Giving this weekend, it was an amazing weekend.  The weather was hot and sunny.  I sat in my back yard for a couple of afternoons in my bathing suit soaking up the sunshine. Swam in my pool – not so warm, but we relaxed, ate some good food, stayed up too late, and hung out.  All the things you are suppose to do on a long weekend.

So how did my depression do- well I have to say that it did pretty good.  I am quietly optimistic that the side effects are calming down and today even though I am tired, they are calm.  To be honest I am afraid to say it out loud cause they have been good.  I suffer from dizzy spells, and a little shaking ( it never goes away) but all in all I am feeling better.

That is an easy statement to say when you are feeling good.  You can climb any mountain, forge every stream!! Tomorrow I may be face down in a dark hole, but today I bask in the light.

I have been reading a book lately that has been discussing God and life and hardships.  As we go through hardships; and lets face it there is no life, that doesn’t go through hardships, the more we trust God the easier it is to go through them.  God never causes the hardships.  God never orders pain. We suffer from things that are usually our (humans) cause.  Cancer is caused by the chemicals we are putting in this world.  A fatal car accident is caused by a mistake or a drunken driver, or some decision made by someone who causes other things to domino. A break up in marriage is cause by the couples failure somewhere in the relationship.  My depression is caused by chemicals in my brain misfiring.   This world is unpredictable, unsettling, never constant, ever-changing.  What can we count on?  God created every human being and animal on this earth.  God created everything that has breath. We can count on the fact that God made us out of love for us, as his children.  We can count on our reconciliation with God through Jesus‘ death on the cross.  We can count on every word in the bible as truth, and a history of man kind and our Lord. We can count on the Prince of darkness to be eternally jealous of the devotion and love we give God, and will try to trip us up at every chance he gets, and blame God for it every time. But best of all when we screw up, when we are in trouble or when we suffer setbacks and illness and every suffering heart, Jesus cry with us and God uses our bad situations for his good.  He does not wait to punish us or exploit a bad situation.  But he uses bad situations to show us his Love and power, and teach us to love and trust him more.  Have you ever learned anything from having it handed to you?  Has a relationship gotten deeper when everything goes well all the time?  Do you know your true friends when you party with them or when you cry with them?

In this journey of depression, I have had the rug pulled out from under my feet when I never saw it coming, and knocked out cold.  I have taken some large steps forward in my relationship with God.  I have also learned to trust him and I have learned things about myself I never knew before, and I have learned who my true friends are and that they are Great true friends.  In order to do this God slowly showed me each step of the way, what was truth and what was darkness masquerading as truth.  He showed me not to be afraid, and how to listen to him.

Pain and suffering is like a pearl.  In the oysters world a grain of sand is an irritant.  It causes pain in the oyster but over time it creates something beautiful from the trouble.  God takes our pain and troubles and uses them as an opportunity to build a relationship with him and take us to a new level of commitment and love – if we allow him.  God never said there would be no pain in this world.  He did say we would never face it alone. We have the Father, Son and Holy Spirit to guide protect and lead us in this troubled world.

Till next time God’s Blessings

End of August; End of Summer :(


I am a beach baby.  Love the sun, love the surf, (what you can find off it in Canada) love gardening, love camping, love being out doors. But we are coming up to the long weekend and summer almost over.  Not happy about it.

Back to work now for a few days – I work at the high school in the office so I am putting papers together for teachers, staff, students.  If anyone tells you that computers are creating a paperless society, work in a school.  I have killed a forest of trees up to this point than in any other job.  Whats new in my worl?  Not much to be honest.  I have been pretty much on an even keel.  I have taken my anxiety drugs lately.  I felt I needed them to keep even.  I have been trying not to drink, not easy, I was at a wine tasting on the weekend.  I was a little off last night.  I went for a long run and I felt a bit better. 

Today I still think I was a little off but no panic attacks, or anxiety just a little down, or maybe tired.  I am still not sleeping so its hard to tell the difference.  I rode my bike to work today.  To work is easy, mostly down hill, home is the tough part. mostly up hill.  but it was a good work out.  At least I got to doing something as I did nothing last week. 

Eating?? I am eating some.  Its off and on.  Monday night it was fend for yourself night.  Which means if you find it in the fridge and it doesn’t growl at you, you can eat it.  I ate nothing.  I had  a handful on mix nuts and a turkey bite for lunch.  This eating thing is hard.  Today I had 1/2 a filet of halibut for lunch, handful mix nuts and I am making a chicken breast and salad for supper.  I am doing better today. Tomorrow well who knows.  I have to get my eating in order – I am setting myself up to train for a 1/2 marathon in November, body willing, which means I need to be eating a training meal plan.  Maybe this is how I can get myself in order.  It’s still really hard I had no idea that this could be so difficult and yet here I am mixed up and confused about this and not caring if I do eat or not.

Upon reading this over I can not fathom that I am in this place.   Mind you reading over all my blogs I can’t fathom being in any of these places.  How did I get here? How do I keep out of here? Where do I go from here?  The things I held dear the things I prided myself on I could careless.  My home, it has been my pride.  Not in a luxury way, but I have an ok home I loved to keep it neat and tidy.  Sometimes I feel the need to organize as I have done leading up to getting ready to go to work, but now at work.  I don’t care. Let the dust bunnies roll. Cooking has been another love I don’t care to do.  I love to cook as an extension of my love for my family.  My family love it when I become inspired to cook.  It hasn’t happened in a long time.  I did bake the other week first time in months.  I made banana bread.  I felt sorry for the brown bananas and couldn’t throw them out. My family was shocked!

I am not really sad this week, I am maybe just shocked at where I am in life at the age I am.  Maybe I am sad at missing the old me. I guess I feel like I am missing an old friend, who went away on a long trip and hasn’t returned, and you don’t know when that will be.

Or maybe I am just tired.

To end this with God

I lift my eyes up to the mountains from where does my help come from

It comes from the Lord the maker of heaven and earth.  ( a loose remembrance of Psalm 121)

I do lift my eyes to the Lord and pray for me to come back to me.  I pray that God keep me safe from the devil and his prowling as I am vulnerable, and broken.  I study God’s word, and volunteer at my church to keep me in Gods view, so I can remember that He is Lord. And that I have faith.  Even if Martin Luther says you do not have to do works to get into heaven, but by faith alone.  I think that Faith without good works, is not faith at all.  I do good, cause I wish to receive God’s favour, I wish to have God smile down upon me, and I wish that my works, go without notice from man cause the blessing is sweeter from God.  I am trusting in God to carry me through this time.  He does, and how do I know? Cause there are times if he was not carrying me I would have died.  It’s that simple.

 

I leave you for now – untill next time God’s blessings upon you ————-G