End of August; End of Summer :(

I am a beach baby.  Love the sun, love the surf, (what you can find off it in Canada) love gardening, love camping, love being out doors. But we are coming up to the long weekend and summer almost over.  Not happy about it.

Back to work now for a few days – I work at the high school in the office so I am putting papers together for teachers, staff, students.  If anyone tells you that computers are creating a paperless society, work in a school.  I have killed a forest of trees up to this point than in any other job.  Whats new in my worl?  Not much to be honest.  I have been pretty much on an even keel.  I have taken my anxiety drugs lately.  I felt I needed them to keep even.  I have been trying not to drink, not easy, I was at a wine tasting on the weekend.  I was a little off last night.  I went for a long run and I felt a bit better. 

Today I still think I was a little off but no panic attacks, or anxiety just a little down, or maybe tired.  I am still not sleeping so its hard to tell the difference.  I rode my bike to work today.  To work is easy, mostly down hill, home is the tough part. mostly up hill.  but it was a good work out.  At least I got to doing something as I did nothing last week. 

Eating?? I am eating some.  Its off and on.  Monday night it was fend for yourself night.  Which means if you find it in the fridge and it doesn’t growl at you, you can eat it.  I ate nothing.  I had  a handful on mix nuts and a turkey bite for lunch.  This eating thing is hard.  Today I had 1/2 a filet of halibut for lunch, handful mix nuts and I am making a chicken breast and salad for supper.  I am doing better today. Tomorrow well who knows.  I have to get my eating in order – I am setting myself up to train for a 1/2 marathon in November, body willing, which means I need to be eating a training meal plan.  Maybe this is how I can get myself in order.  It’s still really hard I had no idea that this could be so difficult and yet here I am mixed up and confused about this and not caring if I do eat or not.

Upon reading this over I can not fathom that I am in this place.   Mind you reading over all my blogs I can’t fathom being in any of these places.  How did I get here? How do I keep out of here? Where do I go from here?  The things I held dear the things I prided myself on I could careless.  My home, it has been my pride.  Not in a luxury way, but I have an ok home I loved to keep it neat and tidy.  Sometimes I feel the need to organize as I have done leading up to getting ready to go to work, but now at work.  I don’t care. Let the dust bunnies roll. Cooking has been another love I don’t care to do.  I love to cook as an extension of my love for my family.  My family love it when I become inspired to cook.  It hasn’t happened in a long time.  I did bake the other week first time in months.  I made banana bread.  I felt sorry for the brown bananas and couldn’t throw them out. My family was shocked!

I am not really sad this week, I am maybe just shocked at where I am in life at the age I am.  Maybe I am sad at missing the old me. I guess I feel like I am missing an old friend, who went away on a long trip and hasn’t returned, and you don’t know when that will be.

Or maybe I am just tired.

To end this with God

I lift my eyes up to the mountains from where does my help come from

It comes from the Lord the maker of heaven and earth.  ( a loose remembrance of Psalm 121)

I do lift my eyes to the Lord and pray for me to come back to me.  I pray that God keep me safe from the devil and his prowling as I am vulnerable, and broken.  I study God’s word, and volunteer at my church to keep me in Gods view, so I can remember that He is Lord. And that I have faith.  Even if Martin Luther says you do not have to do works to get into heaven, but by faith alone.  I think that Faith without good works, is not faith at all.  I do good, cause I wish to receive God’s favour, I wish to have God smile down upon me, and I wish that my works, go without notice from man cause the blessing is sweeter from God.  I am trusting in God to carry me through this time.  He does, and how do I know? Cause there are times if he was not carrying me I would have died.  It’s that simple.


I leave you for now – untill next time God’s blessings upon you ————-G


I will put you in a cleft in the rock.

Exodus 33:21-22 Then the Lord said, “There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by”

A cleft in a rock, a port in a storm. What is it we are really looking for in life? We are looking for a place of safety.  We desire to work for a good company because we wish to have job security.  We look for a safe place to live because we wish to have  peace when we lay our head down at night, a place that is safe for our kids to play in, a safe place to purchase our food.  We as humans desire three things as our most basic needs Food, Shelter, Safety.  Along with our basic needs as humans there are some things in life we can not shake. Death and Taxes, but there are other absolute truths we need to also acknowledge.  One, there is a God, he is the creator of the heavens and the earth. Secondly, He can not lie, he is truth, and when he makes a promise it is never broken.

What does this have to do with depression.  When I am in my dark hole of depression; if you have been there, you know deep in your heart that evil prowls around you like a lion.  Your mind fails you, your body fails you, what do you trust?  Friends, family they will also disappoint they will fail. Who do you trust, who do you turn to who will never leave you –God.  Please read Psalm 121

Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

 1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
   where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
   the Maker of heaven and earth.

 3 He will not let your foot slip—
   he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
   will neither slumber nor sleep.

 5 The LORD watches over you—
   the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
   nor the moon by night.

 7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
   he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
   both now and forevermore.

The Lord will keep you from all harm.  When you are in the depths of depression I know its hard to feel God holding you.  If you have never asked, maybe now is the time.  If you suffer from depression and feel the darkness closing in- you know there is also light.  Maybe you have never acknowledged it before. Maybe you don’t believe in God.  But you know there is darkness. Would it be so hard to believe there is light? Try a prayer.  when you are in the pit of dark, ask God to send you his light.  He is there holding you waiting for you to acknowledge Him.  Its like a Christmas present unseen under the tree waiting to be discovered. It is a free gift, opening it. In the pit of darkness what have you to lose?

But I do promise you this if you open this present, God will never break his promise.  God takes all and turns it to His good.  What he requires from you is acknowledgement that his exists, and an invitation to your open heart.

I have had some dark nights.  Nights where I didn’t think God was there. Nights where I could feel and see evil wanting to devour me. A shadow of darkness that follows you around like a shadow. If you read the poetry I have written in previous posts you can see how dark it has been. But God put me in a cleft in a rock so I could be protected and his Glory could shine.  God has promised that in Psalm 121 we would be protected. And God never breaks a promise.  When I could not pray or even groan, God gave me friends that prayed for me. Those nights I thought were the end of me, I never thought I could move to another day. I thought the darkness would swallow me up.   Seek his peace.  It will not protect you from the next panic attack- I still suffer, I still fall down some pretty deep holes, but I do have God to help me pick up the pieces, and each time we do I get  a little stronger. he provides me with hope that I will overcome this darkness, but think of this.  You would never know there was darkness if you didn’t have a light. God is that light, and so is his son Jesus.   but I’ll talk more on that next time.

Please come back again, I want to talk about holding on to Gods promises next time- till then God’s Peace to you