monday


Weekend over and back to work today– it’s going to be a busy one. Lots on the agenda at work and at home.  I leave for a work retreat over night Thursday night so that will be fun.   It was a good weekend,  spent some time outside pulled out the patio furniture – maybe a little early but seeing it makes me feel better.  Saturday was sunny and I spent most of the day cleaning out gardens picking up sticks.  Sunday cleaning up inside and putzing around, and had a nap, on the couch like a cat in the sun.  Time with friends, time with family, time with husband, went to church,  all the way it should be.

I was a little low this weekend. I haven’t been sleeping so I know that means watch out for the sadness incase it rolls in like a sudden fog off the water.    It did.   I turned my attention to praising God and ignoring the negative and repeating the positive.  Did the sadness just disappear, no,  I felt it, I just tried to work through it. Cleaned up stuff, did laundry, tried to take my mind off of it. In the long run I did ok. It’s just hanging on. Its Monday and I had another night of interrupted sleep.  I am back to a stepped up workout routine so we shall see if that helps.  I did 5 workouts last week and it didn’t help much, surely it will this week.

I prayed tonight with my Pastor his wife and my husband. It was a wonderful prayer time. God was with us and it was an evening of honesty and prayers of thanks.   It is a real blessing to sit with your best friends hold hands and pray.

An author; whose books we 4 have read, son, committed suicide. I didn’t know the boy but it strikes hard at your heart, only 27, good christian family – no drug abuse,  just died by his own hand.  It strikes hard at someone who suffers from depression.  A depression sufferer understands that the pain and anguish of depression that never leaves you.   Some days its better, some days its anguish.   It is a companion that never leaves your side. It is at the ready, as tight as your shadow.
In discussing things last night I don’t think some of them understood how when you are good you are never what you were, and when you are down you can never effectively communicate how dark and lost you are.   I was good last night but there were 5 of us praying I was #4 my depression #5.   Its like watching students in the hallway at school- they always have a knapsack on their back – mine is the weight of depression.

In the course of the evening, after I got home, I came clean about some of the things I had encountered over the past two years with my husband.  I hadn’t really told him that there were times that I thought about suicide, or the extent that I punished myself with not eating and belittled myself when I was down and couldn’t “pull up my boot straps” and get on with it.  I had told him that I had seen the line of suicide – and I did, I never thought how.   In truth; I did not think how to do it, but the consideration that death is a way to end the anguish  and how the line more encircled me instead of  just standing in front of me was true.  It is frightening today to think how far gone I was and how my husband, unbeknownst to him, saved my life one evening when I was alone in the dark.  Today it seems like a fantastical dream, but when I read my journal from those days, they reveal a death of spirit, and cornering of darkness, and a lost frightened girl.

The depression is the same today as yesterday, so how can it be different. It’s not drugs, it all goes back to one afternoon not long ago, laying on a couch looking at the clouds going by a window thinking I could have this for the rest of my life. I have harped on this before, but I have a strange peace from it and it has held on ever since then. The desperation of the illness seems to lessen. It has made it a part of my life. As I go through each wave the next down isn’t a surprise. I am not thinking on every up swing – “ok feeling good this is it”, only to be disappointed when the next down turn arrives. The second thing that seems to have changed for me is the words I read in the bible, Jesus always says when he arrives anywhere or an angel says when they are delivering a message in the bible, “don’t be afraid” Those words are said 380 times. You would think that we would be able to rely on those words. The dips I have had this week I have been telling myself “do not be afraid, and my trust in God”  seems to have increased so as the devil slithers around me and wants to strike fear in me I have not been afraid cause God is in control, Lord knows I am not. I maybe have come to terms with the fact that I have loss control of my mushy mind and set my expectations lower. Acceptance seems to have made a difference – for now.
Next once I get the specialist report, and decide my next drug plan, it is my plan to get off some of the more harmful drugs and keep on ones that are a little more – body friendly. Messing with them is never a good idea but I want to feel more like me and be able to cry at a good movie, love my husband a little more fully, and not feel the good feelings be pushed down with the bad feelings. First the doctor has to come through for me!! If I ever see that report.

till next time………………..

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Holy Week


I am going to say I had a miracle this weekend. I have had a brutal cold, thanks to my son ( I knew I never should have taught him to share!  haha) So it’s a week and half still coughing to the point when I have a real coughing fit, I have to put my back against a wall because it hurts.  So Friday after a bad coughing  day and went to bed coughing and sputtering, ( I made a model T sound like a purring kitten)  but as I lay there I said “Lord I am so tired I need sleep please let me get some sleep tonight.” I woke up at 8am – I didn’t cough once all night. I felt so good I couldn’t believe it.

Friday my husband had a really bad day at work, with a co-worker, he was very upset. That Saturday morning I was so elated to not cough and felt rested that I lay there Praising God for giving me what I needed most. Then I put my hand on my husband and prayed for him.   My man is very heartfelt, conflict like that bothers him very much and he will play the events over and over in his mind.   I felt God poking me. Poke, poke, poke, the message I was getting “you prayed in silence now pray it aloud”. I did what a normal human does – ignored it.  So after a few more pokes, I started to pray aloud.  We felt uplifted, it was a good day.

It is a lesson on trust.  Trust is one of the hardest things to learn.  Depression takes away that trust.  You know your mind is not processing things right and you distrust everything.  Your emotions carry you away like a tornado from Kansas.  The darkness takes away your ability to see where you are stepping, there is no light upon the path; that you can see, and as a result you curl up in a ball unable to unclench your eyes afraid of the dark afraid to open them because you won’t see the light and you become paralysed.

I was reading about Peter the other day – I love Peter (if you have never read about him look it up in your bible – well worth it).  Peter is the sum of humanity.  He is a man’s man.  He is a fisherman, aware of nature, rugged, hard-working.   He is loyal, not afraid to grab a sword to defend himself  or his friends.  He is real, he knows who Jesus is and is the first to say go away from me I am a sinner.   He also speaks out of turn, lets his enthusiasm get the better of him, so he is heartfelt.  He denys he knows Jesus 3 times – he is like the rest of us. There is a story of the disciples in one of their boats and they are crossing a body of water and a storm blows up.  Its bad and they know they are in trouble – even though most of them were fishermen by trade, they are panicking.  They look up and here comes Jesus walking in the storm on the water.  As what is happening sinks in for these guys, Peter asks Jesus if he could walk to him.  Jesus asks him to come and he does and is doing ok, for a bit, then realizes what his feet are doing and sees the darkness around him and begins to sink, Jesus grabs his hand and helps him.  The meaning of the story is obvious.   But as I rolled this story around my mind I was thinking more of the storm than of Jesus.  The storm is a great example of our trials in life but also of the storm of depression.

The portral of people, who suffer from depression on TV, to sell the latest drug, shows people quietly sulking, at least that is how it looks.  There are times I curl up in a ball and can’t move, but the mind is nothing like what the body is doing.  The mind is swirling like a perfect storm.   Thoughts, voices, misconceptions, twirling around, you feel the coldness of the loneliness, the emptiness and you can’t shake it.  The fear of the wind of lies blowing from all directions as you feel yourself being blown all over the map. You see the darkness below you the abyss that wants to suck you down and never give you up.  This is exactly what Peter experienced, the wind of divisiveness, the dark abyss below, the fear, the coldness of  the emptiness, alone on the water out of the safety of the boat. The doubt of what you see to what you feel.

The next thing that happens in the story, besides Jesus saving Peter,  Jesus calms the storm.  The winds stop, the lake becomes like glass, and they are at their destination.  This is the season of Lent and beside it being a time of repentance, and lets face it, praying and repenting doesn’t last that long.  40 days of ‘forgive me God’ gets old.  Don’t get me wrong,  I need every second of that time, for I am a sinner.  but, Lent is a good time of introspection but it is also a time for expansion.  Expansion of thought, of trust, of faith.  This lent I have had some up moments, but I have been mostly down, but not lost in the dark.   Of all the readings, services and things I have done this Lent one thing sticks in my mind (which is saying something cause my memory doesn’t stick well 🙂 but it is the 5 words:  I don’t know my place.   God is Holy, divine, and I am not.  I don’t think of myself as wonderful and divine, but I do think I am; or am desperate to, be in control.  Don’t we all.  Depression takes away your control because chemically your brain misfires and you can not control it.  When I heard that, it felt like an arrow hit me in the heart!   I have had a couple of things that have bothered me through out this process of depression.  Why will God not take this from me? When will it be over? I miss my old self. I can’t believe I am suffering from this and how frightening it is to be really low.    And then comes the thought.  As a christian one of the major problems we have is not knowing our place.  As it says in Job, God asks ‘who is it that speaks words with out widsom’.  That be me!  I do not know my place and I want God to ‘fix’ me.

The reality of all these thoughts.  I am suffering from depression, it may and could last the rest of my life, I have an amazing Lord, Father, that is divine and powerful, and knowledgable.  I am not.  These thoughts have made humble, they have made me repent, they have brought me closer to God.  It has put me in the right place.  I know God is in control.  I have put myself in the place I should be, it has increased my trust in God and it has increased my faith.

So now what?  I am still a sinner, I am still struggling, I am still suffering from mental illness, I have up days and down, but the days don’t seem so hard, my heart feels more full.  Maybe this is just a moment in time.  Tomorrow could be a dark and evil day for me.  But if it is there are a couple of things I have to  hold on to.  I have the memory of the fullness of my heart and the joy I feel today.  I have a wonderful supportive husband, family and friends, and most of all I have hope…. amen

till next time………………………

Self love


Been feeling ok these days. I can not say that I feel stellar but I am not in the place I was before Christmas. The darkness is there on the edge of things. Sometimes I think I should name him, but I don’t want to make it a personal thing- giving it a name gives it a home, and it is an unwanted guest. I have been feeling a little pull back from people. I haven’t slept well the last couple of nights- and that doesn’t help me much. Maybe I am just tired. At least that is what I am telling myself. The adjustment in drugs has settled down I am not shaky but now is the test to see if they make a difference. So we shall see – but for today I am feeling a little sad- but I will name it tired.

I have been thinking about forgiveness, I have discussing this over the past posts. The need to forgive those who hurt us is not a natural one, but it is a required one, if I want God to forgive all my sins. My sins against God are much more than those that have been done to me. It is the plank in my eye, the speck in my brothers.

Forgiveness, acceptance, love trust.

These are the things God offers us as his children. These are the things I wrote about forgetting, esp when I am down and depressed. It dawned on me the other day when I was reading my bible, these are an offering to us free from God – it is up to us to accept them. In my knowledge and study of the bible I know that these are truth. They are my free gift, and I should accept them. A block comes up however to accept them. We all want forgiveness, and it is a two-fold thing. Especially if you’re the one who did wrong. First you ask for the forgiveness which in most cases is not that hard to do, but then you have to forgive yourself. Now there is the rub…..
Acceptance of God is again offered as a free gift, but do you accept that gift. It is a huge thing. Its like your best friend giving you an island in the south pacific, with a mansion on it, and a pool and your own boat, and servants. etc etc. I come from the middle of the road income, and came from poor upbringing being a farmer’s daughter, but this is toooooo much even from my best friend. If you think that is a lot, then think about the Master of the Universe who not only made and started your heart, gave you breath, and then calls you his child and accepts you unconditionally. The rub do you accept yourself?
Love from your Heavenly Father. Deeper than anything you can feel. Wider than any love you have in any of your relationships. Freely offered. Again the rub do you love yourself?
Truth do you believe all that I have written in the above three paragraphs are true? In my knowledge I believe it is true. In my heart…..????……

I think that when you are someone suffering from depression, it manifests itself into a life of dark and light. Some of the time you are in the light, you sleep well you do the things you should do, the meds are working. Some of the time however you also live in the dark. You stop sleeping well, or you sleep too much, you don’t have the energy to do the things you should, nor do you care to. I think the amount you except what God is offering to you is in direct relation to how much you love and accept yourself.
If you are in a self hate mood and if you have read previous blogs you know I am good at the self hatered bit. A product of the darkness that has taken over me. The voices start – I am unworthy to be offered anything so wonderful. I am too sinful, which is a christian phrase that means I hate me so everyone does too. I hate the pain in my heart, the suffering, the trying to cope and the energy level is depleted. I want to fight the good fight I want to be the hero, to slay the dragon. Sometimes I don’t know who the dragon is. The confusion starts and then you forget or can’t see what is truth- mist in the eyes of your soul. There is no peace, only loud hating words and never-ending noise that hides the gentle whisper of God.

It is a roller coaster ride. A constant fight. It’s a worthy fight, I can say that today because I still feel I am a child of God. Tomorrow I may be in the darkness. But I write these words to look at later to remind me that the truth may be blurred but it is still truth

till next time…………..

Redefining the Christmas Story Dec 1/2012


So I have been in a redefine mood.  I was thinking about this last night.  I have rearranged the furniture in the house.  I have thrown out bags and bags of clothes, things, junk, and papers, that have been cluttering up my house.   We pulled up carpet (well we had a leak and it wrecked the carpet) we put in new hard wood, painted my bathroom.  Finished refinishing my dinning room table and the hutch.  As I think of all the stuff I have done over the past year– I have done alot of stuff! Jeepers!!!  I am not as latharjic as I thought! Great!

Since summer I have been stuck on the bible vs from John chapter One.  I think stuck on is a bad word for it, obsessed with it.  It has been obsessed with me t0o.  I have come across this word in so many books, sermons, converstaions, out of the blue, in the past 6 months there is something that I am supposed to glean from it.

See Below:

John 1

The Word Became Flesh

1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome[a] it.

There was a man sent from God whose name was John. He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all might believe. He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light.

The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world. 10 He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. 11 He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. 12 Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God13 children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.

14 The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

15 (John testified concerning him. He cried out, saying, “This is the one I spoke about when I said, ‘He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.’”) 16 Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given. 17 For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. 18 No one has ever seen God, but the one and only Son, who is himself God and[b] is in closest relationship with the Father, has made him known.

First incounter with this verse.  In the summer this verse started haunting me, to the point that during a camping trip I cornered my former pastor and we had a huge discussion on it.  The discussion then went from the word becoming flesh to the word being as he put it digested with in me as a fight against the depression that I suffer from.    He explained that the word- or God’s word became flesh with Jesus.  The word can also be thoughts of God, Spirit of God, Knowledge of God.  Jesus was there in the beginning when the world was made and God had spoken of this through the prophets.  So the word came earth, Jesus came to earth through his birth through Mary.

The word became flesh. A few months ago I was having a bad time and the devil was hammering at me hard.  I was close to walking away from the church.  How can I say that— and be a strong christian.  Well,  I am only strong with God.  My mind was lieing to me at a time when I was very depressed, that my faith was not going to make me better and I was in such heart pain in a dark hole, that I was unable to think straight.   I got through this by holding onto the vs the word became flesh.  I was not going to put flesh to the words that the darkness so desperatly wanted me to say. My mantra became ” I will not put flesh to those words” I repeated it over and over, untill the darkness left.

Hope:  the vs “In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”  The darkness has not overcome it.  Most of my days I hold this hope.  The light shines beyond the darkness and we have hope and protection in the light.  I have learned that the darkness is not peace but turmoil and screaming.  The light is the place we need to hide in from the darkness, and receive life.

My Nativity.   I have adopted these verses as my nativity story.  My Christmas story.  I am not saying the Nativity did not happen I believe that to be historical fact.   This is the nativity from the Holy Spirit point of view. Jesus is apart of God and the Holy Spirit makes know to us what God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit are about and their love and their word. I think this is what is giving me the peace I have been feeling.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome[a] it.

For now I will stop here more to come later

Till next time……………..

Short on words


“Scripture  really strikes you hard – that might be a healing point – a ministry point – a  passage the Holy Spirit is using to break a lie you are hearing and believing  – a passage that you need to commit to memory and claim for yourself each  morning until you own it and it owns you.  When attacked by the lies of the  devil remember what Luther wrote… “one little Word can fell  him”… ”

A message from a friend in regards to my last post.   – it did nothing but make me weep. My first thought how did this all get so hard! There is a relationship between the word and eternal life.  The word became flesh.

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging symbol.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, but have not love, I am nothing.  If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames but have not love, I gain nothing. – 1 Corinthians 13
Tonight I have no love, I am fighting with loving myself tonight. I am having an anxiety attack.  I want to text, email, my close friends and express my breaking heart. I am tired of reaching out and feeling like a fool, in the morning. Tonight I am popping my pills and following up with a small but yummy glass of red wine and hiding in my room.
its dark out tonight and that is how i feel – tomorrow will be light maybe I can be that way tomorrow.
till next time………..

Random ramblings


A few days have passed since my last post.  The darkness and confusion seated themselves at my table — I did not serve then anything.  They tried to convince me that I needed to be with them, much like a black jack table in Vegas enticing an addict.  I sat unmoved from my post.  That sounds good, but in reality I did not invite them to my table — they invited themselves, at a time when thought I would be open to them sitting and drinking with me.  I did not speak to them, I kept my concentration on God.  Don’t think me admiral, or strong. I may have not given into the temptation to hide in their darkness. their ploy to confuse me did not work.  But I listened to every lie they told me– I didn’t scream lies lies, I did nothing to keep my ears from hearing I looked into their hole of darkness as it tried to look like a place of paradise to hide in. I knew better I didn’t fall for it this time.  I tried to brace my heart from the darts of doubt and my mind lies that were shooting at it like a thousand arrows in a battle.

The arrows of battle.  I have held the belief that God spoke us into existence.  In the beginning was the word and the word became flesh.  The word was the thoughts and character of God, given to us in the son of God – Jesus.  If God can speak us into existence and breathe life into our hopeless sinful bodies, then what happens when we swear, curse, gossip, cut people down with the tongue, the double edge sword we hold between our teeth.  We shoot arrows into the spirit, the life of those we curse.  We give power to the darkness, to pull their chairs closer to their tables and confuse and conquered their lives in a darkness, that they may not have the power to break free from.

This is the battle, this is the line drawn in the sand.  why do I bring this up.  If you have ever suffered from depression or mental illness you have felt the darkness creep up upon you and you know its power. I talk about the battle because in the midst of depression you are more aware of its present. The darkness makes you feel like its only your battle. it is only you and the darkness trying to convince you – like a used cars salesmen — “lets make a deal” But the reality– the thing we can not see because of our blindness (which is an evil ploy) we are in a valley of many suffering the same issues the same defeats and sometimes the same victories.  We just can’t see each other because of the fog.

The fog.  This fog is thick.  it creates walls in our minds.  We do the everyday things in life.  Make lunches, call Mom’s, clean the houses.  This fog has made me feel like I am alone.  I have been crying a lot lately.  The tears still do not stop.  In some ways this is healthy– therapeutic.  In others its down right embarrassing. In some ways disturbing.  I have before this illness took over, never been a crier.  I thought it a weakness.  It makes me even now mad to cry.  Don’t get me wrong.. crying is a natural response to stress, grief or pride for those around us.  My rock my husband had been going through a rough time.  Lost of factors.  Ill mother, stress at work, anger issues, and a change in some medication he was taking.  I am uneasy with it all because my husband is my rock.  I need him to be strong and sturdy and he isn’t — I know its a lot of pressure I am putting on him — and my own weak mind.  But I need him to fill the gaps where I can not, because of my illness.

Lately the illness has been showing me its blocks, stops, breaks, gaps, halts, its full stops in my life.  I am in a new job – computer secretary, communication officer.  I am really loving this job. Its great.  But in my day to day — job related I can handle it — but I come to a point where I am looking at personal emails, home expectations, Parent expectations and my limits run amuck and I am thinking no I can’t do this.

Now we are back to my previous reality  issues.  Is the stress I feel the overwhelming,  anxiety I am feeling, a life issue, work issue, a sandwich generation issue, a made up issue the darkness is feeding me, Or is it a reality I can not grasp because of my illness and the reality of all this life is outthere some where to be made sence of at some other time.   Reading this makes me think — you know someone somewhere is going to think I am smoking a kings size something or other ….. maybe I think too much, maybe I do listen to the darkness too much, maybe I drink too much wine and don’t have enough sleep.

These are the random thought that go through this brain of mine.  Ill or not, all to be discovered at a later date

till next time…………….

Tears like Rain


September and I put on track pants today!  I like track pants, comfortable, warm, casual, you can hang out and relax.  I need to relax, I am coming off a high stressful week – start up at school and it went well but it has been a hellish weekend.  I made it through the week but I didn’t survive the time off.  We had some drama in the house and between dealing with that and trying to get regular weekend stuff done I am frazzled.  I wanted some peace, just a little peace.  Everyone in this house tonight is tired from lack of sleep and grumpy.  I keep moving to other sections of the house in hope of getting away from people – they follow like my cat!!   Its been a difficult time, I had to give a presentation at church this morning about a group I belong with and the charity work we are doing.  As I presented what I wanted to say about why I wanted to be apart of this group, I became choked up and had to stop twice in order to get myself together to proceed.  I am very passionate about it and I took a breath and it caught in my voice and I am beside myself with embarrassment and shock that this happened.  I have said in other posts that I do not cry or hardly ever now, the meds seem to have sucked up those tear ducks dry.  This weekend I can’t stop. I started Friday night, before all drama between a teenage girl and her father, and here is it Sunday night and I am still crying.  I don’t know what has come over me.  Deep in my heart I feel such brokeness and I don’t know why.  I can’t seem to get passed it.

I know a good cry, like a good sneeze, is a good thing, and I have always loved a good sneeze but this feels strange and I am not sure why.  Maybe I analyze too much, I know I put too much pressure on myself.  I know that I have left myself in a open and in a vulnerable state a lot lately.  I have felt over the past months that my broken heart is on display. There are no secrets and I feel exposed.  Thinking about the word exposed brings up so many feelings, emotions, I am not sure how to sort them.  This feeling brings the tears again. I feel drained, I want to sleep for a week but am unable to.  That same old confusion comes knocking at the door, the darkness; that has been sitting in its chair for the past few weeks, has moved its chair closer, it just sits looking at this exposed heart and the tears that will not stop running.  The confusion greets the darkness and sit there like old friends in over stuffed chairs of a coffee house enjoying a latte and saying nothing — watching and nodding at each other like they know what they are each thinking.  As they sit in the darkness of a coffee house, I am clinging to the stool of a pato trying to sip a cool drink and soak up the light of the world.  Praying in my mind but the darkness and confusion smile at each other sarcasticly like “Ya that aint going to help”  So I Picture Jesus sitting on a rock with small children surrounding him.  You know the picture, looking so kind and in a beautiful white robe and smiling at the innocence of these little ones.  I picture myself crawling up upon his lap, and being a small child, laying my head on his chest and feeling his strong arms around me as a father would a child.  As a brother would one of his family, as a friend would his best friend.  Let the battle begin –again

I am trying to hold this image. —— till next time