Its been a couple of weeks since I have written. Take that as a good sign. I have been feeling good. I had a dip the other Thursday, I was on a fishing holiday, being with good friends was wonderful and it melted away. Today is Sunday. Happy Canada Day. I am so tired. I can not tell you how bad I feel. I hardly slept last evening. I had horrible dreams of evil and death and things I can not discribe. I tossed and turned and eventually became scared to fall asleep. So I didn’t.
I went to church today — we have been out and about for a few weekends so its been a month or so since we have been there. As I sat there I could feel the darkness slowly sneak up on my and crowd around my back. It sapped my energy, it confused my mind. I am in a state of …… I can’t even put words to it. But I feel broken hearted, I feel confused, I feel like I am unable to concentrate. The darkness hasn’t been around for a while now– I don’t understand why its here. As I listened to the service and the sermon I was in a tug of war. I was being gently lead to step closer to the light, and tugged to hide in the dark. Its easy to hide in the dark, its easy to curl up give up and hide. Just a few hours of sleep, some time alone. Not to be found for the darkness drawnsyou in but there is no peace. Just a constant stealing of your defences and you. As the darkness came closer and closer I felt my defences decreasing. It is this that scares me. The dreams, the darkness and the confusion. I fought; I tried to fight. I think in the end there was a stale mate. I am still being hasselled as I write this.
The one lie that kepts going over in my brain is, if God is love he can heal you, but you are not healed so you are not worthy. I am allowed the depth of this pain for a reason, I don’t understand the reason. If I could touch the hem of the cloak of Jesus I could be healed, like the women in the bible. I feel like I am reaching– but in reality I am just waveing my arms in the air – blind – confused – and crazy.
Its just a wave a small set back, but if I reinjured a hurt that was purely physical, if I hurt a limb again it would heal because I would do the right things to heal it. But when there are emotions envolved, you don’t know what to do, how to move forward.
I just hope and pray and meditate that this thorn will be taken away from me and it I am to learn something form it, I pray that I finally figure it out, before I finally lose my mind completely.
till next time…………………