Friends..


Things to ponder, I received an email from a friend last night, (getting mentioned in the blog is a hazard of being my friend – my friend)  This friend was very encouraging and brought up some things I have not thought about, and reminded me of somethings I need to remember.

I will get to that in a minute, but here is the great things about friends especially christian friends.  I was saying in my last blog about how good and bad people treat you if you suffer from depression, and how I was feeling a little overwhelmed by it all.  My dear friend brought up some good points to remember and I want to share them.   The other thing about friends is when your mind misfires, you don’t know what is right or wrong.  I can get very confused about things and I am unsure of what reality is or is not.  The voices and darkness can take you off in a direction you would never think of, and the good things about friends are they can gently remind you what is right, wrong, and redirect you from wrong thinking.  Its like being really sick with the flu and not knowing what to do, because you are too busy being sick with the flu.  You forget to drink water so you don’t become dehydrated and you go to work because you can’t decide if you are too sick to be there.   You need someone to take care of you, remind you. 

I have mentioned that I have rules to follow when I am not right.  Things I have to do to keep my husband in the loop.  I don’t shop some places by myself,  I call when I take my anxiety meds, and there are more, however my friend also reminded me that as I head in to the season of  summer parties and family get together it would be wise to make some additional rules and talk to some of my family members  and prepare them for when things are not good for me.   Someone who is suffering from any other illness would do this so why wouldn’t you do this for the unseen illness of depression.   My husband and I need to sit down and decide as we go through this season what I can do and not do.  Direction will come from me, but there may be times where I can not be all things to all people.  The more I thought about this last night it was like hey silly girl — everyone illness or not, should have a guide line for this.  This is where women and mom’s get into trouble because we forget about ourselves in looking after the world.

Another thing to keep in mind is to remember that other people do not have E.S.P.  When I was first married I thought if I was cleaning the house my husband would pick up on what I was doing and help.  When that didn’t happen I thought if I do this loudly he will get the hint, I mean can he not see what is going on- its his house too, get off the couch and do something.  My man isn’t gifted with E.S.P.- darn it! so he didn’t catch on, and because he didn’t I got angry – dumb I know.  Well as I go through the ups and downs and the pulling back from people and then being out there,  I need to communicate that to people because everyone is like my husband. 🙂 

The most important thing my friend said to me was to  “give grace to us clumsy people all around you”    Ka Boom!  Oh my!   Grace – I forgot totally about Grace.    That slip of the mind Here is the thing about Grace we hope all people and God will grant it to us.   We seldom think of granting it to others.   I have not been thinking much about God lately.  I have been trying more to just cope.  I have not felt the darkness but more a intolerance and anger towards people and a need for quiet and being alone.   Grace trumps intolerance.  Love trumps being alone.   God has me in his hand, never to be grasped away.   As I meditated on God’s Grace, Love, and being his child and trusting that He does have my back.  It changed my thoughts.  I felt so hard done by, that grace was not an option.  I was tormented that Love was not a consideration.  Being a child of God was forgotten because I was felt defensive to my Mothers words.

God is great and his Grace endless as is his Love and his faithfulness to his children is also endless patience and kindness.  When I pondered these things and prayed about them I soon released my intolerance, defensiveness, and my forgiveness and humbleness and love for those around me began to flow.   This unseen illness is a hard row to hoe, (don’t you love country references — sorry farmers daughter!!) but truly it is a hard thing.  It can turn you so inward that you forget there are those who love you and want the best for you. It can create a vacuum where you see nothing but the pain.  The pain can be overwhelming and sometimes you can’t get past it,  but it comes in waves,  always remember and never forget who has your back.  God, family, friends. Amen!

till next time……………

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Last week in July 2011


We are mid week in the last week of July.  I was for my follow up with my doctor this week she wants me to up my dose again.  I have now doubled my doseage.  It makes me sad, to be honest that I need to be taking something.   I am a farm girl, I don’t like chemicals and taking them or exposing them to me, pills goes against the grain- so to speak no pun intended. But I have been feeling better and talked myself out of a panic attack the other week so I guess I am proceeding in a positive trend and this will not be forever, so I will roll with it for now.

I have been having sleeping problems. I am only getting 2 to 4 hours a night, I am tired and hate that.  I have been trying to be active.  I don’t run lately and seem to have lost my drive for that, I have stopped working out, I feel guilty for that but as a Mom and women I always feel guilty for that and so much more.

Today I want to talk about thorns.  I had a tough time reconciling my thorn with the power of God.  My thorn, depression; my delima, I have a belief in a God that created the heavens and the earth and yet I have this thorn.  My thorn has shown me the darkness of evil and how smooth and slick it can be.  The darkness has been relenting till now; for now I seem to be better and not near the darkness, as a matter of fact I seem to be smothered in light.  But along with the light is an acute awareness of the heartbreak of others.   Why the thorn.  The apostle Paul asked God three times to remove his thorn.  I have asked God three thousand times at least to remove my thorn.  God answered Paul this way, ” My Grace is sufficient for you” In other words God’s favour, his blessings, his will is sufficient for him.  God has decided that what ever the thorn is that Paul hates, God is not going to take it away, he is leaving it for him and his Love and Will should be enough for Paul.  Thorns do lots for the thorn bearer.   A person learns to adapt to our thorn.  When we adapt we become stronger, we lean on God more.  In other words the thorn makes us a better person and teaches us to rely on God to help us through the rough parts, keeps us humble.  Like a parent allows a child to fall down once in a while so it can learn to stand on its own two feet God also allow us to fall to make us stronger.  But is it ever easy. No Never, why would you allow a child to fall, it will hurt, we don’t want our children to hurt we want to give them everything to make their life easier cause our life wasn’t easy- why not make it better for them.  You end up with spoiled children that expects to be served.  Paul was a proud man his thorn made him rely on God to the point that he was humble and praised God for his thorn because it increased the depth of the relationship between him and God.  The child that is helped never realizes the love that parent really has for him.  The child who falls realizes that he or she learns something and the parent shows him love in a tough love way.

My thorn.  God has taught me that resisting the devil and all his ways doesn’t mean only being good, don’t gossip, don’t steal, don’t swear, these are indeed things that need to be avoided but that isn’t the devil at his best.  Those are little chips at our soul.  When you are at your most vulnerable, when you are depressed and fall in a hole, then the devil prowls around and confuses you and makes you forget what is really important.  Your family, your faith, what you hold dear, even your life.  But resisting means relying on God and his Grace being sufficient.  It has deepened my relationship with him – because I let him deepen it.  I could have walked away yelling you don’t care for me you are self-seeking.  God is seeking, me, my heart, my soul, my life.  Jesus tells us to ask  and it will be given to you, seek and it will be found, knock and it will be open to you.  I’m no talking give me a million dollars.  But if you are in a bad place ask and God will be there, seek and God will draw close, knock and God will open the door for you.  I you need someone to go through this God will be there, he may not take the thorn away from you, but he will give you a way to learn from it and make you a better person.

This is all for now,  August is another month to work through  God Bless you till I write to again.