Still here. Last night i took my anxiety meds and it manages to help me sleep.   I finally fell asleep, managed to get a few hours.  It was a tough day yesterday, i managed to spend some time with my daughter yesterday, which was nice she thought I was a little stressed out.  When I look at her,i think back to when i was at my worse with my depression, when she was in high school and really needed a Mom, and i was so messed up, so trapped into my own horror, starving myself and cutting, those years are gone for ever and I can not make them up. And i realize they are gone and to move on but the quilt is killing me.  When my failures and guilt mound up, it puts me back to that place where pain on the surface feels like it can release the pain on the inside.  Then I wonder how did i get back here.  So today, Easter Monday, i am alone at home all day.  I  am still in bed. If i stay here i may curl into a ball and never get out of bed.  I have to keep up apperances, make the bed, do the laundry, finish my taxes, these are the things that must be done. If my husband comes home he will know something is wrong. He will worry. I cant let him know the depth of my pain.  I hug him lots cause if i hug, he cant look me in the eye and see the things i am thinking about.  So for now, i am pushing aside the Stuff will get up work out at some insane work out to punish my body and carry on.  Tomorrow will be better, i will be at work.

Till next time


Good Friday

So here we are at Good Friday, I can’t say I participated at all this lent season.  Normally my husband and kids give up something, go to the services and then attend the holy week services. We have done nothing.  I didn’t go to any of it, even Palm Sunday.  But today I went to Good Friday.  I have been so full of anger of late, and fear.  I am annoyed by the people at church,   and fearful to open up my heart to God or his word. Haven’t been picking up my bible.  I look at it and am afraid to open it.  I have been pushing things aside.  The pain of depression, the anxiety feelings, responsibility, I only deal with simple things.  When it comes to the kids I have been pushing their problems on my husband.  I haven’t been able to cope.  At work I am great, can handle the happenings in stride, and take responsibility by the horns and ride it.  I have been organized, a leader, efficient.

Maybe that is where I shine because I don’t have to deal with me.  I would like to go hide somewhere and try to sort out the feelings.  I have been crushed with guilt, sadness, regret.  I have been pushing it aside, its easier to not deal with it.  I don’t read my bible because it will cause me to think. I spend my time reading pintrest, facebook, flipboard.  They are short pieces requiring no deep thinking.  and I learn how to DYI something or other.

I have been feeling not bad, I have my sense of humour back, I have been doing things like cooking and cleaning, exercising.  I work out 6 days a week, it has become my therapy, or obsession maybe a better word. I had’t been takening my anxiety meds much, lately i havebeen using them to sleep,  still on my depression meds, taking them regularly. So from a physical health point of view- I am in great shape.

I just have to try to deal with the mental parts.  I have been good for the most part and I guess what may be coming to a head is the pushing aside.  I haven’t been reading my bible because I am afraid it may open up the door for the darkness to creep in and challenge the light I am thinking about.  Keep all doors closed – preventive medicine , at least that is what I am thinking.  But that door could also open up healing, but I am too afraid to open it.  Instead I want to hide.  So I fight that feeling.  I still feel the need to self destruct, to harm me may release the pain.  So I fight that too, and the shame that comes with that.

The one thing that really hurts me is that my children have moved out.  They are good kids don’t get me wrong.  They are both doing the right things we want them to do. Working, getting a post secondary education, but not necessary living Christian lives.  They have significant other in their lives, and I know they are not platonic and I tried to impress upon them what God wants and what I wanted for them as they grew up.  But somehow I failed that so I deal with that guilt of failure. How can I be an example of Gods love when I can’t even train up my children?

Writing this is the most thought I have put into these things. I can feel my heart pounding and the physical symptoms of my invisible illness. Today I am trying to hold my own. Today i am. Smiling as i cook easter dinner, but what that is really hiding is a heart that wants to hide , cry and be alone to release all the sbame and pain. That isnt going to happen today.

My fear that this will swallow me and i wont be to hold on, to what ever i have right now.