Monday….


Still here. Last night i took my anxiety meds and it manages to help me sleep.   I finally fell asleep, managed to get a few hours.  It was a tough day yesterday, i managed to spend some time with my daughter yesterday, which was nice she thought I was a little stressed out.  When I look at her,i think back to when i was at my worse with my depression, when she was in high school and really needed a Mom, and i was so messed up, so trapped into my own horror, starving myself and cutting, those years are gone for ever and I can not make them up. And i realize they are gone and to move on but the quilt is killing me.  When my failures and guilt mound up, it puts me back to that place where pain on the surface feels like it can release the pain on the inside.  Then I wonder how did i get back here.  So today, Easter Monday, i am alone at home all day.  I  am still in bed. If i stay here i may curl into a ball and never get out of bed.  I have to keep up apperances, make the bed, do the laundry, finish my taxes, these are the things that must be done. If my husband comes home he will know something is wrong. He will worry. I cant let him know the depth of my pain.  I hug him lots cause if i hug, he cant look me in the eye and see the things i am thinking about.  So for now, i am pushing aside the Stuff will get up work out at some insane work out to punish my body and carry on.  Tomorrow will be better, i will be at work.

Till next time

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