Going fishing tonight after work.  I am so happy to be getting away.  Its been a very busy week, work has been crazy over the past few weeks and getting busier as the month will progress, from now till the end of June will be a rush.  I need some time with my hubby and some time to decompress and sit in a boat with my best friends and hope to catch the first fish.  (i usually do!)

How have I been doing?  Well; better this week.  I am feeling a little more stable.  It comes and goes.  Still another two weeks till I see the Doctor and we discuss what the tests are saying.  The transition from winter cloths to spring/summer has been hard.  I eat very little but I am not losing weight and my wardrobe isn’t fitting, the up in medication has packed on another 10lbs and that in its self is enough to make someone depressed.  Shopping for something that fits has been difficult.  I have always been very vain.  I am not sure why.  It’s not that I am proud, I am just very self conscious of how I look.  I have always felt that I never quiet fit in, and have over compensated by trying to look good.  ( Boy does that sentence look vainly pathetic.)   The weight causes other issues and leads to other situations, I am not ready to relay to my readers at this point.  This week is better than last week.  I am less physically destructive and the pain I carry inside has lessened, so I can look around it.

Two weekends ago I was in one of my favorite places – sitting around my friends fire pit, with pain filled anxiety .  I was with the ones I love and I couldn’t bring it down.  Last weekend by fluke I ended up back in the same place, I was relaxed, calm and content.   This weekend I think I will be ok– I hope I will be ok, but I am sure it will be fine.  Looking forward to haveing  time off and relax and enjoy some good friends, food and vino.

So till next time……Gone Fishing…….

A week later.  Victoria Day is over– I am not ready for Victoria Day to be over.  The year is going way to fast.  But here we are the Wednesday after a long weekend.  I had a good time with my Mom, we did a lot of talking and had some good quality time together.  I was glad I was there for her.

I am ok today — every once in a while I have this large sigh spring up from somewhere, but not too bad.  Sunday I was not good.  Sunday night I was in one of my favorite places in the world – backyard of a friends place around a campfire, warm night sipping wine with friends.  Is there anything better than out looking at the stars……nope! I should have been relaxed and calm.  I was anxious.  Not sure why, I was but I snapped my hair band on my hand till I gave myself a bruse.  Monday was a bit better, Monday night I didn’t sleep. I am hoping I sleep tonight, and I am sure I will.

Last night I came home from work , then a work out, then physio for my knee,  I don’t know what happened but I had an anxiety attack.  My husband  hadn’t seen me have one in a long while,  he got to see me in full attack last night.  I think I caught him off guard, he didn’t know what was happening and didn’t react well to me.  Instead of seeing that I was losing it, he focused on what I was losing it over and became frustrated with me.  Later when things had calmed down we talked about it, and he realized what was going on.  His reaction elevated my anxiety.  Its not his fault, he is very sensitive to these things with me and is a great support. I threw him.  It is one of the pit falls of depression.  When I am gripped by these episodes I sometimes have to march on like nothing is happening. It is the same as being a dancer and having a broken toe and still preforming a dance.  You tell yourself I will deal with it later, now just look good, but inside it is excruciatingly painful.  Life goes on

I was thinking of a previous blog over the weekend.  I was commenting on how some people who know I suffer from depression react to me and how they treat me.    It dawned on me that I should qualify the comments.  If you know me, and we have sat and had a glass of wine together, and you read this blog,  I was not talking about you.  These people do not have access to the blog and I was not talking about my friends that do.  The ‘save me ‘ people and the others who inquire every time they meet me are not the people who are reading this. They are just people, as my close friend said to me – they need to be given grace, as much as I hope to receive it and humbly ask for it, from the ones who are reading this.  My Mom (who does not have access) seems to be adjusting to the depression fact.  We talked a lot about it, that it isn’t life style – but medical and I think after extensive explanations she is getting it.  I didn’t want to worry her but she is knowledgable about it now.  But who knows she may tell me to get a hobby tomorrow.   😛

till next time

Mid week and getting prepared to take my Mom for her eye operation. In some ways I am looking forward to being with her.  The men and my daughter will have to adjust– Oh boy that may be hard– I expect to be doing a lot of cleaning  when I get back.  It will give us a chance to talk about stuff, and me of course. Still feeling off, jittery.  I was to pray Monday night with my best friend, my pastor and husband. I cancelled saying I was too busy. I do have a busy week, but I couldn’t face talking about what is happening. Some of that is paranoia. I know that they would not think less of me, but I think less of myself.  I know my pastor may read this – I have treated him disrespectfully, lying is never an option, especially to a friend. I have been hiding at home, sleeping when I can. Yesterday was a professionally development day. I attended a meeting in the morning – and booked off the afternoon to go home, grocery shop, hour nap.
There was no reason to cancel, except for my mind, paranoid about what people think, or more if they are tired of me. I thought I had got over some of this paranoia but no.  I have been reading the last few blogs and  I have returned to some of my old ways.  Another observation  for my next dr. apt in a few weeks.    

I am at a loss of what to say next– will write more when I return from my Mothers

till next time…………………….

This is Sunday night and I am watching the Leafs play the Bruins. I am tired tonight. I spent most of the day at home alone. I went to church then went to get my nails done, came home. My husband took his Mom out for lunch, the kids were working. So I had the house to myself. I read a bit and had a nap. I am wore out today. Yesterday I woke up feeling frantic. I had to clean this house, not to the point of ya weekend stuff to take care of, I was washed walls, scrubbed all floors, dusted, vacuum, scrubbed and scrubbed. I started at 9 I stopped at 4. ish. The house is clean, but I couldn’t do it fast enough. It reminded me of MacBeth – “out dam spot” I scrubbed with a feverish speed. Today, I went to church with my husband, he was playing in church and wanted to be there early. The thought of small talk totally sucked the life out of me before I got there, so I stayed in the car till service started and snuck out the side door when it was done. My husband had to get out to his Mom’s so he was in a rush. I am tired tonight, tired of being sad tired of feeling tired.

I continue my research of Psychology and Neurology. It’s very interesting, there are more connections between the two. Some neurologists are stating that there should be one united look at mental illness, as more of a neurochemical disease. You don’t want to only be in the psychiatrist’s chair, or the neurologist chair only in some cases it is a combination of two. Think about this basic statement. If my depression is a chemical depression brought on by menopause so my family doctor states, would it not make sence to take the antidepressants, but see a neurologist to determine what chemical is being under or over produced or if in fact due to a number of chemicals, birth control one of them that I have put into my system, I have inflamed the part of my brain that is mixed up causing depression, sadness, thoughts of self hurt, unable to follow lines of thought, and most important memory. Several times yesterday in my cleaning frenzy I had to remind myself of where I was working and what I am doing so I would not be side tracked.

Tonight I look at this week. The increase in drugs is doing more harm than good. I am mixing up words, putting the letters in the wrong order, my concentration is tough, I slide into anger and back into intense sorrow from one moment to another. Something is not right. I can’t place my finger on one thing but I am in enough control of my senses to know I am different. I have taken to putting an elastic around my wrist and flick at it as a control mechanism to keep myself together. If I have any wild thoughts I pull at it to get rid of the thoughts pull myself together. I am still having dreams, I dreamt that a man at church his wife died. He went up to communion in church and I looked at him and thought “what is he doing here, poor man all alone” It took me a couple of minutes but then I realized it was a dream not real but I could not at first, know the difference.

So tonight I leave you for sleep, after one more period – Toronto and Boston tied 0  0    so we shall see how this goes.

till next time…………….

The past weeks blogs have been all about feelings, physical and mental. They are a documentation for my next visit to the psyc doctor.  The upping of my meds has not made a difference, if anything they have enhanced the feelings of loneliness, the voices, and sadness.   I do not feel this is the best action for me.  In the mean time I have been doing a neurological study to see the coralation between depression and the chemical reactions of the brain vs other diseases, conditions, drug interactions.  I have been looking at simple chemical reactions from outside stimuli, to how cluster nerves in the base of the skull are affected by antidepressants, to chiropractic neck manipulation.  In some ways there are reams and reams of information to look through but in the same breath there really isn’t much in new studies and a lot of the studies start with observations that were done in the 1930’s – 1950’s.  With the new technology I thought for sure there would be more.   So the search continues. ……However,

It’s not a TGIF well it is, because I am glad its Friday but it isn’t happy.  I woke up…..well actually I didn’t go to sleep I watched the clock tick by last night.   My heart feels like it’s in my boot, I stare at the computer trying to remember my last thought I wanted to write. I feel shaky disconnected.  Remembering passwords for work has been difficult I had to look them up.  My fingers seem to be confused– my typing really sucks today spelling words wrong and having to try to remember how they are spelt.   I am having a tough time remembering what needs to be done day to day at the office.  I am a huge note taker so I have notes on what people ask me to do and what needs to be done– my saving grace.

  I have done all the things I should do.  I have eaten even when I didn’t want to this week, the food tasted like sawdust, but I forced myself to eat, I avoided drinking, I had a beer Monday while watching a hockey game – to do otherwise would be unCanada like 🙂  But only on Monday.  I worked out 5 times this week, didn’t stay up late– well I was actually in bed on time if I slept or not is another question.  I took sleeping pills twice this week so I had to nights I slept through. 

another day in the life

till next time……………………

I am having an overwhelming week.  It’s only  Wednesday — Slowest week ever.  Monday I thought I was losing my mind.  I have been feeling a range of feelings lately.  Like the revolving door at the Eaton’s Centre at Christmas.  Last week I ranged from anger, or rage, to my emotions dropping through the floor, deep sadness, sometimes I could get myself together and be happy.  I think the sunny days have made a huge deal.  Besides the emotional up and downs, I have had a lot of physical symptoms.  I wake up and feel like a pulse is coming from the core of my body outwards.  Pulse may not be the right word, a tremble it’s not from the surface like a fast heart beat.  Its is like being so cold in your bones that you can’t stop shaking, but the shaking is on the inside not seen on the skin.   The tremer makes all your nerve endings feel they are on end.  You feel fragile, you don’t want to be touched, you don’t want to be close to anyone.  You feel like if someone touches they will crack your surface, but at the same time if they touch me – I become instantly angry.  My daughter is a spontaneous hugger.  She isn’t one to sit and cuddle you, she will jump on you and then snuggle and then go off and do something else.   I have had to bite my tongue not to freak. Its her way of showing affection, I can’t yell at her for that.  I am still having crazy dreams.  I can’t say what they are I am left with impressions of anger, anxiousness, panic.  Monday night I tossed and turned most of the night, and in my dreams when I felt the climax of the anxiey I would turn around, in my dream and my best friend was there and hug me.  She hugged me all night.  I must have worried her and she was thinking of me.  What a feeling of comfort.  It happend 4 or 5 times and about 4am I finally fell asleep. God Bless Her.

My house is a disaster. I can’t get to the stuff that needs to be done.  It’s not so much that I am a perfectionist (which I am) but its got to a point that it is gross.  I really have to clean my bathrooms, I have two weeks of laundry hanging in the basement to fold.  The ups and downs of this week have made it hard to accomplish anything,  I am behind on stuff and feel totally inefficient everywhere I go.  The only thing I have managed to do was projects at work.   I have been feeling deflated and screwing up things here and there its mading.  Of course then the monologue starts — ” can’t you get anything right, you keep trying you just can’t do it, how am I supposed to function when some days getting ready for work is tough. ”   I bring this monologue up because when you are at your bottom, God can put people in your way to bring you up. 

There is a student here at school who suffers from depression, anxiety and has been known to try to overdose and cut herself.  I have spoken to here several times.  This week she had a complete anxiety attack complete with swearing at the VP’s.   I talked to her for a bit Monday afternoon.  I spent a lot of time with her on Tuesday.  Telling her what she is feeling is real, telling her how I feel the same, my strategies for coping, how others intolerance, or lack of understanding of mental illness is not her fault and don’t let it be her downfall.  We are going to get together every couple of days and talk.   I was feeling her burdens and feeling like I was doing nothing to help, I could see the anguish in her eyes when I had to walk away.   She told my daughter (they are friends) that I was cool,  I was funny (which my daughter says I am not)  and I helped her a lot.  I was a little shocked by her response but I thought “Oh Lord one person – Lord I helped one person”, in a week where I feel like I can do nothing, I helped someone who is suffering with the voices, the pain, it was humbling, it is empowering too, she is riding a better wave today, maybe tomorrow will be my better wave.

That was yesterday, today. I come to work with the same tremor sensation, I was sitting at a stop light on my way to work and felt the sudden sink of spirits.  Like being in an elevator and the pit of your stomach falls, but it is your spirits and it doesn’t bounce back.   Sigh– I felt it and kept driving just trying to ignore the feeling.  I come into work and check my emails.  I get an email from a teacher, that made me extremely humble, and thus why I am writing this blog today.

I am in charge of the announcement team at school, I help the students organize and I help them pick music for the 5 min bell to get to class.  When students hear the music they move it to first period.  Last week for some reason I don’t now why the students wanted to play ABBA.  I am the one usually bringing the alternative, older, types of music at school.  I thought great, I like to expose all students to all kinds of music, not just top 40 so they get a range of previous influences and different kinds of music.   A teacher emailed me her story about her sister who passed, she wrote:

“She (her sister) was the ultimate ABBA fan, and was laid to rest with her ABBA Gold collection along with a Mars Bar in hand, also her favourite.  I miss her so dearly and desperately and as June approaches it seems always to get a little more difficult.  Hearing ABBA every morning last week gave me great comfort and made me smile as I felt that through you I was sent a little message that said that she was OK and still enjoying her ABBA.”  

Wow!   humbling experience.   God reminded me that when I am overwhelmed, I can still make a difference.  I don’t mean that in a prideful way, very much the opposite.  My moto for the old me,  pre Depression, was to make at least one person laugh everyday.  I don’t know why I felt passionate to do it, it’s just always been in the back of my mind.  I haven’t been feeling that lately, I believe I even made a comment about not being funny anymore last blog.   God was probably laughing at me cause he knew what was  happening in the heart of the teacher on the other side of the school. 

As I said last time, God is in control  Psalm 145:14 ” The Lord upholds all who fail, and raises up all who are bowed down.”

till next time………………………..

Yesterday was my wedding anniversary it was wonderful.  The day was perfect and I couldn’t ask for better company or setting or time.  I am so blessed to have a wonderful husband.

Yesterday has nothing to do with today. I woke up feeling good, beautiful day wonderful. I text my brother who doesn’t talk to me, I tell him his daughter is in town with her husband and new baby.  He doesn’t talk to her either.  I tell him to call her. I tell him to repair this bridge. I did it with love in my heart. I want this fence mended.  He text’s back First time ever.  “Tells me that for some reason this bothers me but not him and to leave his daughter alone and stop bothering her. ”  What !!  Something clicks:  I suddenly become heavy, I feel like I weigh 1000 lbs.  sadness washes over me, my heart is beating fast and I am gasping at breath.  I put the phone down and walk away – clean something, at least I think I did I lost an hour on Sunday. I remember my husband cutting the hedge.  I was in the sun doing something, I remember the warmth of the sun. Adventually I go down stairs and fold laundry then  get supper started, put potatoes on the bbq. I text my brother back 2 hours have gone by.  I opened both barrels.   I was the one who had to talk a crying bride from a washroom at his daughter’s wedding because her father was in the parking lot and wouldn’t come see her.  I am the one who had to sweep up all the brokeness that he created, listen to Our Mother cry cause he won’t have anything to do with her. Listen to his best friend from High School rant about him.  My kids wonder about him etc. etc.  I also told him to stop being a self righteous jerk and call his daughter before she goes back to Vancouver (exact words) 

Daughter angry about this, son upset about that, Husband angry at me for something I didn’t know I did.   I am angry.  Angry isn’t the right word.  Furious, even rage and even that doesn’t match the intensity of my anger.  I was teeter tottering all day.  I woke up happy but I had been back and forth much of the rest of the day.  Ok, sad, better, angry, ok again.  I seem to have made everyone angry at me today for one reason or another.  My brothers email was not the tip of the iceberg, I knew I was on the slide already but things have been hitting me like waves. One after another

The chorus of voices keep going, “your fat, you disappoint, what the heck is wrong with people, can’t they see what I am going through, can’t someone clean the dam washroom, who is going to make lunch,  Son’s first day of work new job, I have to give him a good lunch it will make him happy, How the hell am I going to fit in that bathing suit, the cat needs food,  what am I standing in the basement for, I came for something ?? darn have to retrace my steps. ”  My thoughts are disjointed.

The screaming in my head  go from belittling myself to lashing out.  Right now at this moment there is no me.  These are the things that really scare me. When what is left of me disappears.  I was funny once, positive, happy.  Give me two hours I could have moved mountains.  Now I can’t find my phone,  keys or remember why I am standing in the basement.   Even this paragraph upon re reading it sounds pathetic.

I have been sitting here looking at this computer for sometime now- how long I don’t know.  I do know that this is but a moment in time.  As I deal with this misfiring brain, it is easy to think in the abstract.  A moment in time upon a wave of pain. I think that is the issue. This disease ebbs and flows.  One moment in time you are heavy, one moment in time you possess pain of all the world, one moment in time it flows and the clouds reside and the sun peaks out and you watch for it smiling at the warmth on your face.  Tonight no warmth – tomorrow who knows I could be basking in the sun.

Where is my God in all of this.  Like the tattoo on the back of my neck a symbol of the Father Son and Holy Spirit, God has my back.  I know this.  My life jacket my rock as I bob in this sea of uncertainties.

till next time……….

Friday !!! finally — I hate to think of always wishing for Friday– I don’t want to be one of those people who wish away their days, but lets face it we never invented the phrase TGIW Thank Goodness its Wednesday or Monday or any other day of the week, and to top it off this weekend is going to be the warmest days of the year, good reason to be excited its friday.

This week started off horrible, but it slowly got better.   Feeling better today.  Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary 22 years – seems like yesterday I got married and yet it seems a life time ago too.  22 years ago I thought I was in love,  after all these years I know what it means to be in love.

My husband is great.  He did say something that has been bothering me this week.  A job position came up that he had talked about applying for in his company, it would mean more money but more importantly it would be in a new area and more a management position.  He didn’t apply.  I asked him why, and he had two responses,  first off he didn’t want to work with the management team  associated with the job, and secondly he wanted to be available to be there for me, when I need him.  He wants to look after me and the kids.  Twang. …..    I instantly had two thoughts :  one was ” crap this thing is preventing him from doing what he wants to do”.  The second thing was ” he is so sweet and loving.”   The guilt mounted over the days as the week wore on.  I don’t want me to hold my husband back from advancing in his job.  It hurts to think I could be the cause of that.  It twanged me but I didn’t spend a lot of time really thinking about it, I got stuck on the hurt feeling.  Today I took some time to really think about it, pray about it.  I came up with two conclusions.  One, this illness is like any other illness if my husband need the help and a new job would prevent me from giving him the attention he needs I wouldn’t take it– It wouldn’t be fair to him, it wouldn’t be fair to the boss, the stress isn’t worth the pay.  Two, the negative voices want me to feel guilty, the depression wants me to carry the burden of causing everyone trouble.  As I pulled away from the negativity and try to think objectively – yes I would do the same thing.  As I pray for this job for my husband I get a sence of peace and know if God wants him there he will be there and if not — the right job is coming all in God’s time.

Deep sigh…. that makes sence and gives me peace.  Do you see how a little comment can get totally turned into something out of whack.

I had a lovely evening sitting on a patio tonight in the sun sipping a light beer then a water – I got some sun on my face and feel like a little tiny vacation happened.  Tomorrow I go to the spa for a massage, out for dinner with friends. Sunday church and warm sunfilled afternoon.  Praise the Lord, Amen

till next time……………………….