This is Sunday night and I am watching the Leafs play the Bruins. I am tired tonight. I spent most of the day at home alone. I went to church then went to get my nails done, came home. My husband took his Mom out for lunch, the kids were working. So I had the house to myself. I read a bit and had a nap. I am wore out today. Yesterday I woke up feeling frantic. I had to clean this house, not to the point of ya weekend stuff to take care of, I was washed walls, scrubbed all floors, dusted, vacuum, scrubbed and scrubbed. I started at 9 I stopped at 4. ish. The house is clean, but I couldn’t do it fast enough. It reminded me of MacBeth – “out dam spot” I scrubbed with a feverish speed. Today, I went to church with my husband, he was playing in church and wanted to be there early. The thought of small talk totally sucked the life out of me before I got there, so I stayed in the car till service started and snuck out the side door when it was done. My husband had to get out to his Mom’s so he was in a rush. I am tired tonight, tired of being sad tired of feeling tired.
I continue my research of Psychology and Neurology. It’s very interesting, there are more connections between the two. Some neurologists are stating that there should be one united look at mental illness, as more of a neurochemical disease. You don’t want to only be in the psychiatrist’s chair, or the neurologist chair only in some cases it is a combination of two. Think about this basic statement. If my depression is a chemical depression brought on by menopause so my family doctor states, would it not make sence to take the antidepressants, but see a neurologist to determine what chemical is being under or over produced or if in fact due to a number of chemicals, birth control one of them that I have put into my system, I have inflamed the part of my brain that is mixed up causing depression, sadness, thoughts of self hurt, unable to follow lines of thought, and most important memory. Several times yesterday in my cleaning frenzy I had to remind myself of where I was working and what I am doing so I would not be side tracked.
Tonight I look at this week. The increase in drugs is doing more harm than good. I am mixing up words, putting the letters in the wrong order, my concentration is tough, I slide into anger and back into intense sorrow from one moment to another. Something is not right. I can’t place my finger on one thing but I am in enough control of my senses to know I am different. I have taken to putting an elastic around my wrist and flick at it as a control mechanism to keep myself together. If I have any wild thoughts I pull at it to get rid of the thoughts pull myself together. I am still having dreams, I dreamt that a man at church his wife died. He went up to communion in church and I looked at him and thought “what is he doing here, poor man all alone” It took me a couple of minutes but then I realized it was a dream not real but I could not at first, know the difference.
So tonight I leave you for sleep, after one more period – Toronto and Boston tied 0 0 so we shall see how this goes.
till next time…………….