Monthly Archives: May 2012

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Oh cloudy day


Its Friday a day all people with Sat and Sunday look forward to.  Having a really bad day out of the blue.  (sorry for the pun I just realized it from last posts title and this post title)  I feel so out of sorts today.  I am shaky, which is interesting cause I haven’t been a long long time, and feeling anxious, to be honest I have one nerve left and every one wants to stomp on it.  Nothing has changed in the week.  Just another day, just another chemical reaction.   No darkness just sad, mad, (angry) physically hurting, and shaky.  Ugg

Dear Lord.

I know that all you do is good.  All you do is right. All you do is fair.

In this day I am not feeling good right or fair.  It is your strength and your love that I need in my heart.

I am weak but you are strong, so cover me over with your hand and keep me safe.

Lead me in your paths, take my hand.

I feel blind today, stumbling around like a blind, deaf,  lost puppy.

Oh Holy Spirit please take this prayer to God with Groanings from deep with in my heart

Cause there is no love no kindness only anger.

I put this into your hands cause mine hands can not handle this

Amen

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Oh Sunny Day


Another beautiful day,  so warm and sunny, just unheard of in May.  Wearing summer sandles and shorts and  how lovely is that!! The past Victoria Day Weekend  was high 20’s sunshine, and swimming and tanning.  I caught up on my vitamin D.  Its been nice to sit and relax, spend some time with friends.  Fall asleep infront of them around the camp fire!  This endless tiredness is driving me nuts.

The rub of it all.  Here are the problems with health issues and it doesn’t have to be mental illness, depression any health issue.  I can’t sleep,  I need to exercise and exhaust myself so I can sleep better.  In order to exercise I need to have the energy to do it.  In order to have the energy to do it I need to eat right and sleep.  My back has been hurting to the point I am taking muscle  relaxers  for it.  If  I want to make my back feel better I need to do core work.  In order to do core work I need to exercise.  In order to do exercise I have to want to and need energy to do it .    See where I am going with this its like a merry go round.   I realize this is the whine of a suffering person, but when you think of it you can do two things;  laugh cause its murphy’s law, and isn’t that just like life, or let it get you down.   These  days I can laugh mostly.  But when I am in most pain or distress, its darn hard not to be down.

I have been feeling better today I have been a little down today.  I searched out a natural  doctor and have gone on some natural supplements to help balance my hormones, my emotions feel better,  but physically I feel like my body is raw  from  the previous hormone treatment I stopped.   I feel like I have  scrapped my insides from top to bottom.  I am not been sad or in darkness for a while just a little down today, which on some levels a sore body is easier to deal with, easier to hide from others, and even a little more functional.  I may be tired but I can suck it up mostly and make it through.  I my body hurts I can pop some Advil and smile and not have to evoke happy feelings.  Feeling on feelings is hard.  Feelings on a sore body is much easier.

I read today a saying that went ” I will live above my thorn,  not under it”  I thought it clever.  This blog seems to talk about the thorn and how I am trying to live through it, tucking my skirt in tight to my knees and trying to wade through water over my head,  not over the thorn.   But that is the purpose of the blog.  Not to whine, but to talk about what happens on the inside of the mind as you cope,  and try to come to a balance of a storm like Depression and mental illness.  Even though I have been suffering for more that a year or two I can swallow the word depression but to see mental illness in print is still hard to take.

I have to say one thing about this storm.  I don’t understand it, or why I have developed it, or if it will ever go away.  But I learned so much about me.  Not just what I can handle or not handle.  But it has solidify some truths with in me. Truths about God that he is the one and only God and Jesus is his son sent to save me from me and my weak flesh.  And the Holy Spirit is my councillor and leads me shows me things of God.  And best of all this storm has made me not afraid to admit it loud and proud.  That is a solid with in me when so many other things are not.

till next time………………………….

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Trying to Sing in the Dark


Lord are you there, Sometimes I can’t sence Your Presence.  This is the hard thing. The crushing darkness, the true test of faith. David spoke long about not feeling God‘s presence.  Many a Psalm starts out with a plea to God not to leave him. But many a Psalm also starts with a rejoice to the Lord.

This blasted thing, this depression has taken me to the depths I could not ever imagine and a darkness I never knew existed.  It has also shown me Love and Kindness from others and I have been; when I am having good days, to show gentleness to others I have never been able.  It is all opposites.  Last evening I didn’t want to be around people but my heart cried out in darkness and loneliness.  Today I don’t want to be around people – I took a sick day,  but I can’t wait to have my husband come home from work.  It has separated me from God yet brought me closer. I have been frightened out of my wits, and I have seen the end of life, or thought of the end of life, and yet given me so much more to live for.  Paths I have never considered, thoughts I have never thought, pain I never knew, and shame I have never known before, weakness I never knew could ever exist, weakness I never considered myself to possess and strength I never knew I could tapped into.

The thing I have to remember is that in the darkest of dark, in the loneliness of lonely, in the depths of my heart hurting that I need to ignore the feelings no mater how strong and crushing they are, I chose to trust in God.  Sometimes I utter it weakly, unbelievingly. Sometimes I say it in a loud bold voice.  sometimes I say it in fear.  But I say it and that is the point, I chose to trust in God

At times God puts us through the discipline of darkness to teach us to heed Him.  Song birds are taugh to sing in the dark, and we are put into the shadow of God’s hand untill we learn to hear Him…. Watch where God puts you into darkness, and when you are there keep your mouth shut. Are you in the dark just now in your circumstances, or in your life with God? Then remain quiet….When you are in the dark, listen,and God will give you a very precious message to give to someone else when you get into the light………………Oswald Chambers

till next time…………………

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Match box 20 ; Unwell


I hate this song………………………….sometimes lyrics are too close to reality

All day Staring at the ceiling Making friends with shadows on my wall

All night Hearing voices telling me That I should get some sleep Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on I’m feeling like I’m headed for a Breakdown I don’t know why

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell I know, right now you can’t tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see A different side of me

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired I know, right now you don’t care

But soon enough you’re gonna think of me And how I used to be Me

Talking to myself in public Dodging glances on the train

I know I know they’ve all been talking ’bout me I can hear them whisper And it makes me think there must be something wrong

With me Out of all the hours thinking Somehow I’ve lost my mind

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell I know, right now you can’t tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see A different side of me

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired I know right now you don’t care

But soon enough you’re gonna think of me And how I used to be

I been talking in my sleep Pretty soon they’ll come to get me

Yeah, they’re taking me away

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell I know, right now you can’t tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see A different side of me

I’m not crazy I’m just a little impaired I know, right now you don’t car

e But soon enough you’re gonna think of me And how I used to be Hey, how I used to be

How I used to be, yeah

Well I’m just a little unwell How I used to be How I used to be

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Oh Heart


Oh tired heart, why do you cry, don’t you know of love.

Heart of mine, you feel you will die, it is the dark of dust that makes it cry.

The dust makes the heart not see. The darkness makes the heart not feel.

Stuck in paralyzing shock.  Coated in its rotting grape soaked lot.

The light will cure the sickly heart. If only it will start.

To feel the warmth of heat from the son of the Love.

Dust and dark  clouds kills the  warm heat, and covers the mind of the heart.

Restless in a desperate search of sleep, only to lay awake in a heap.

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Today is the Day


Today is the day the Lord has made I shall rejoice and be glad in it

My heart is brused and battered right now, but today is the day.

My Soul crys out in pain again, but today is the day.

I see the crushed in spirit die around me, but today is the day.

I feel the crys of the land as the blood sinks in, but today is the day.

The cloud of darkness draws near, but today is the day.

I prostate to pray, and today is the day.

The sun rises in its warning blaze of red glory, but today is the day.

And it sets with no fan fair, no light, story,  but today is the day.

The prince of darkness tries to mess with us here, but today is the day.

I am afraid and scared my heart shrinks away, but today is the day.

Today is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and come sit at the feet of God.

Today is the day the Lord has made, out of Love and Grace.

So I hide in the love that the Lord has made upon this day.

In the light of things I do know or understand, but know as truth.

For this is the day that the Lord has made, and I will rejoice and be Glad in it.

 

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The Butt of the joke


May – and the days fly by.

The days are rainy but warm.  Especially in the evenings.   I don’t mind.  I actually sleep better if I am listening to the rain as I drift off.    Sleep has been weird lately.  I don’t seem to really have a solid sleep.  Unless I drink way to much but that isn’t real sleep either.  Lately, however, I wake up often and then drift off into dreams.  The dreams seem real.  I dream about work, friends, home life.  I dream about all kinds of things and then when I am at work or else where I sometimes become confused because I am not sure if what I am remembering is part of a dream or part of reality. 

I am feeling a little paranoid these days, unsure of myself.  I write everything down to try to keep things straight, to the point of making my journal more of a record of my day, rather than a comment on life or conversations with God.  I can’t say I feel depressed but I do feel like I want to cry sometimes.  The feeling arrives but never carries through.  I am constantly hugging either my children or my husband.  It was a good thing it was my anniversary other wise my hubby  would have wondered what was up.  

I was off to the doctor this week, and got a mild “oh well the hormone patch didn’t seem to do anything, here is a 5 month supply your other meds, see you then.”   What else can she do?  The patch did nothing but add on 15lbs and cause me to go shopping for bigger fat pants (for you men out there all women have fat pants). So I muster up the energy to workout, and try not to drink a lot, to get my butt under control.  Working out doing ok, not drinking not so good.  Or really good depending how you look at things. The LCBO is doing a booming business.

I can say that I have been leaning on God more.  I have been wanting to hide more.  I want to stay home and hide with my computer a glass of wine and my big fuzzy slippers.  I made myself spend most of Sunday outside getting some gardening done.  That accomplished a lot of good stuff so I am happy about how the gardens look.  I have been gardening at the church too so I can keep myself busy and away from my pillow.  I keep fighting I am not wore out but tired.  I am taking a mental health day on Friday.  Just to have the house to myself would be nice. 

God on the other hand has been close at hand and I can feel him.  He has been revealing secrets to me as I have been preparing to lead the bible study I am attending.  I am looking through foggy glasses but he is showing me stuff.

So I continue on another week plugging along. till next time……………………