Psycohology of the unstable mind


The psychology of mental illness, that sounds like it contradicts its self, it’s the psychology that fixes mental illness.  Psychology is an academic and applied discipline that involves the scientific study of mental functions and behaviors.  It is the behaviors and the study of mental illness that leads to is cures, its medicines.  We know it is a chemical malfunction that creates the depression. It is a chemical malfunction that creates a cancer cell to grow.   But what kind of chemical malfunction takes a person to want to hurt oneself.  The process of the mentally ill seem to follow the same pattern.  We can see documentation, story after story of how people went from one level to another level to another level to cross into actions that are as unthinkable to a healthy person as they are to the unhealthy. The question then becomes, what is the underlying condition, problem, or situation to lead an unstable person to the next level of self-destruction?

When I was a little girl listening to the radio I couldn’t figure out why all the songs on the radio talked about love?  I was 10 I knew I was loved, I knew that I was in a safe place full of love.  Why were there all these songs about wanting love, getting love, losing love?  To put life in its grandiose terms, life is love.  The fruit of the spirit is;

Galatians 5:22-23

New International Version (NIV)

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

The fruits of depression are the opposite of Gods Fruits.  There is no peace or joy in depression, only sadness and hurt.  Forbearance, Kindness Goodness, is unattainable because of the pain in one’s heart that they can not see around.  Does the depressed person know they are loved by God, Yes they do but it does not stop undesirable actions that can not be controlled.  This leads to the next part.  gentleness and self-control.   Anger and disgust are the two most powerful emotions that grab onto the heart, it is the self-hatred that dominates all actions regardless if rational or not rational.  To cut ones self is an unnatural act, we naturally hate pain, and do anything to keep from being uncomfortable.  The rational of a depressed person in pain with in, wants to only match the pain on the outside by cutting at ones own skin, or any other harmful actions.  It is an act of hatred, self loathing, and the person unbalanced sees every thing in the house as a potential weapon to their inward pain. Kitchen knives, scissors, razors, any thing with an edge and the depressed individual is looking at what a normal person would see as an unsafe item, the depressed person is making a mental note to remember that ‘thing’ could come in handy when the state of mind becomes clouded with pain, and panic.

Its interesting; when you go on vacation, we go camping you set up and you put up your tarp, you relax have a beer and spend the next hour soaking in the peace and joy of being in nature and enjoying a beer, your reward for hard work.  If you relax your body with yoga it’s not a 5 minute thing, it’s a process of breathing, concentrating, relaxing, it is not a sudden emotion or state of mind.  When you become angry, or feel in danger or have a panic attack it is sudden, powerful and on some levels thrilling.  The depressed person who cuts finds it a relief to be able to punish oneself in  another way, to satisfy the angry voices in the head.  The thrill leaves when the person moves beyond the crisis and wakes up the next morning seeing the destruction the person has caused.  Embarrassed, and disgusted with the actions the person falls even more into a hole.

It is not a isolated development.  If you read blogs, stories, books, of people and the depression journey they have been on, the self destruction is bound to turn up sometime.  How do you stop it. grab the person by the hands and don’t let go.  No human spoken word can cure it, Can the word of God stop it I know that he can sometimes I don’t feel it, but the forgiveness is always available.  As Jesus prayed  over 2000 years ago “Lord forgive them for they do not know what they are doing”

till next time………………………………

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Oh Sunny Day


Another beautiful day,  so warm and sunny, just unheard of in May.  Wearing summer sandles and shorts and  how lovely is that!! The past Victoria Day Weekend  was high 20’s sunshine, and swimming and tanning.  I caught up on my vitamin D.  Its been nice to sit and relax, spend some time with friends.  Fall asleep infront of them around the camp fire!  This endless tiredness is driving me nuts.

The rub of it all.  Here are the problems with health issues and it doesn’t have to be mental illness, depression any health issue.  I can’t sleep,  I need to exercise and exhaust myself so I can sleep better.  In order to exercise I need to have the energy to do it.  In order to have the energy to do it I need to eat right and sleep.  My back has been hurting to the point I am taking muscle  relaxers  for it.  If  I want to make my back feel better I need to do core work.  In order to do core work I need to exercise.  In order to do exercise I have to want to and need energy to do it .    See where I am going with this its like a merry go round.   I realize this is the whine of a suffering person, but when you think of it you can do two things;  laugh cause its murphy’s law, and isn’t that just like life, or let it get you down.   These  days I can laugh mostly.  But when I am in most pain or distress, its darn hard not to be down.

I have been feeling better today I have been a little down today.  I searched out a natural  doctor and have gone on some natural supplements to help balance my hormones, my emotions feel better,  but physically I feel like my body is raw  from  the previous hormone treatment I stopped.   I feel like I have  scrapped my insides from top to bottom.  I am not been sad or in darkness for a while just a little down today, which on some levels a sore body is easier to deal with, easier to hide from others, and even a little more functional.  I may be tired but I can suck it up mostly and make it through.  I my body hurts I can pop some Advil and smile and not have to evoke happy feelings.  Feeling on feelings is hard.  Feelings on a sore body is much easier.

I read today a saying that went ” I will live above my thorn,  not under it”  I thought it clever.  This blog seems to talk about the thorn and how I am trying to live through it, tucking my skirt in tight to my knees and trying to wade through water over my head,  not over the thorn.   But that is the purpose of the blog.  Not to whine, but to talk about what happens on the inside of the mind as you cope,  and try to come to a balance of a storm like Depression and mental illness.  Even though I have been suffering for more that a year or two I can swallow the word depression but to see mental illness in print is still hard to take.

I have to say one thing about this storm.  I don’t understand it, or why I have developed it, or if it will ever go away.  But I learned so much about me.  Not just what I can handle or not handle.  But it has solidify some truths with in me. Truths about God that he is the one and only God and Jesus is his son sent to save me from me and my weak flesh.  And the Holy Spirit is my councillor and leads me shows me things of God.  And best of all this storm has made me not afraid to admit it loud and proud.  That is a solid with in me when so many other things are not.

till next time………………………….

Hanging on a limb


I put myself on a limb this week.  I was asked to speak to the Grade 12 girls phyed class at the school I work for, about depression and suicide.  I prepared my lesson, made my notes on the myths of depression and the realities of the illness.  Talked about the stigma of it, dealing with the doctors and medication and how your mind tricks and misleads you.   I was all prepared to talk about it in 3rd person.  I did not want to admit that I suffered from this.  I didn’t want to acknowledge that there are times; like this week, I feel sad, and uncontrollable, and prone to substance abuse— in this case red wine abuse.  The thought of how do I do this and admit my issues and receive their respect, or take me seriously crossed my mind.

As I started the class I went over myths and facts of depression and mental illness.  As we discussed this I looked at them and realized that if I did not admit this instead of bluffed my way through as a friend of a depressed person they would soon see through it and disregard anything I had to say.  I came clean and admitted what I had been through they hung on every word and had a great class.  I even got some good feed back from the students and they took what I had to say to heart and at one point was asked if my faith was damaged by my illness, and as I explained that I was confused about my faith in the beginning cause I didn’t know if it was a crisis of faith or depression I got the chance to tell the girls what I believe in and why my Lord is important to me.

In the end it was a good experience, I can’t tell you how exposed I felt doing it, and even now as we pass each other in the halls I still feel exposed but they smile and wave, but I didn’t want to bull sh**  the girls I wanted them to get something out of the experience and they did, so win win.

How am I today- well I am pleased that I got to express my faith to the class,  I am happy with what they want to do with their knowledge and how they are watching out for their friends and family.  I am still feeling a little shaky the end of this week but some self discipline and sleep will probably help.  Maybe some exercise too…………………….till next time.

One Day in July


Feeling down today. Feeling like what is the use, friends must be feeling like not again!  I am suffering in silence.  I contacted EAP got a busy signal, (can you believe it!)  When one does get through they can make an apt for you for an assessment in 2 to 3 weeks.  I emailed another counciller and made contact I just have to get up the nerve to actually call make an appointment and speak to someone.  That is the hardest thing to do — three days not haven’t mustered up the nerve.  It all makes no sence and I don’t know what to do with myself,  cause even the kids  don’t want to hear about it.  So I take my emergency meds., they help but the lonelyness hangs on. Being sad is one thing but the lonelyness is relatively new.   I understand my friends son’s suicide, cause it was all our fault.  No one has time to look after our mentally ill.  No one has the care or love; that is the bottom line we communicate through computers, texting, email.  You see the words in print but not the passion or desperation in their voice.  That is the honest truth. Darkness became his companion, and when that happens the loving words of the parents can’t penitrate- I know they tried.  The dark voices do not relent. 

But people just don’t care for people. That is a really negative attitude. I know that it is the darkness talking, but it is not so much a lie.  When the lie of darkness talks to me I can see it most times, cause God‘s light shows it for what it is.  But today. I am hurting deep in my soul, and we are supposed to persevere. Struggle on. Climb the mountain.  Fight the good fight.  Follow through.  Carry on. Go the distance. Its just that sometimes I forget why.  Mostly I forget who God is.  And frequently,  I forget who I am in Him. and now I hardly remember the me I used to be.  

   My husband talks a good fight. But to be honest, I am tired, and could care less about fighting this.  I am not suicidal, but I understand how someone gets there, I can see the path traveled.  I am worn out.  We as a society must take the brunt of the responsibility. If we truly loved people and cared we would be there for those who are really hurting.  We  need to be a society that does not spend its time keeping busy, or playing but a society that cares for the young, the old, the ill.  We need to talk to them, love them, and be there to talk them down.

So I am sure for all my good talk of God in previous posts  you are wondering  where is God in this? I always have to bring it back to Him.   He is always there. He is with me in this down period.  But how does that help ?  I pray. I feel him here. But I am still depressed.  God is holding me, but the chemicals in my brain are still messed up.  I do not feel evil around me God is protecting me from that, I just feel sadness, lonelyness  and disappointment.  As a society our cup does not overflow. We are like dry bones.