Final Post – Revision Complete May 2, 2014


I just received notice from my blog site that I have been blogging for 3 years now, 231 blogs, 231 times I opened my life for all to see, critique, shrug off or laugh at, or my greatest hope – understanding. A long time, a lot of time, effort, emotion, and pain has gone into all these posts. If you have read them I hope they helped you, provided insight, maybe gave you understanding on how the mind works. The phrase “it has a mind of its own” usually used to describe things that act up seems to fit here.

The mind is a strange, terrifying, and wonderful place. I can not tell you how in this one small blog the places my mind has taken me. I am off one of two anti depressants, and the weaning off process has been horrific. I regressed, but more that, I am not returning to the drug that may help me. The drug took away my power to feel, to cry, to think, I was numb. I now know the extent that the drug pushed down the feelings, demons, and the emotions everyone needs to function in society. I don’t want to be on this drug and even though the demons are back and the fear has returned, I must, have to, get beyond it. I am after all, alive. With that statement comes a tiny little bit of hope.

I was thinking of courage and weakness today. For me .. … and I mean only for me and my screwed up thought process, to die (and you know I mean take my life) is easy. This may be hard for the normal person to hear or think of, but depression leads the mind from black and white thoughts to gray. Depression and the darkness that comes with it blurs the lines of dark and light, death and life, hope and fear. It is easy just to walk away from the pain, the tears, the demons. To take your own life is easy, and courageous at the same time. To do it takes courage, to decide to do it, is easy. Would I??? No. But the depth of the demons you fight, the struggle to keep face in this world, smile at the stupid jokes the boss tells, don’t let ‘that’ person get under your skin, don’t cave to the sinking feeling you have, or let someone’s smart ass, put down, sink you deeper into the hole you are already sinking into. If major depressed people didn’t have to put up with people – stupid people – life would be easier. What keeps me from attempting it? Who says the thought hasn’t crossed my mind? Sadly, I have stood on that line between pain and no pain- that is what the depressed person sees when they look at that line. The deep hurt that will not stop, the demons whispering in your ear, and the pain loved ones can’t love away -OR the desire to feel nothing. I have gone for my ‘feel nothing’ through alcohol. There have been nights when I have felt, if I drink enough I will not feel, and Yes I was wrong that doesn’t help it amplifies, and leaves you feeling worse off than before. But to do it – cross that line is not something I can not do to those that I love. The pain I would cause is worse than the pain I want to kill, and the sun will set and moon will rise and fall and another day will come again. That is the small point of hope I hold onto, God will give us another day, and the next day can’t be as bad as this day.

So at this point of reflection. The first few years was getting over the shock that this happened to me, I was bubbly and happy, positive, in control of my life. I worked, I was confident, I volunteered, I made a difference in my church, my community, my kids schools. I sat on School councils, Church council, taught sunday school (and loved it) played music at church started a coffee club in my neighbourhood to connect stay-at-home Mom’s together. As I have read over the first few months of my blog, I can see the shock of what I was experiencing. And the crumbling of the person I was. I am very self conscious of myself — not in a conceded way, I was bullied in school and I need to have everything looking good, be in control otherwise it gives people a chance to criticize. So to lose my ability to be in control, to not be able to rely on my brain to guide me, was a huge blow.

When the shock of it all wore off; somewhat, and I was in the process of the doctors, drugs, researching, and reading. I was surprised at the system a mentally ill person goes through. First they throw drugs at you, then some therapy, (paid for by private funds) then if you go through OHIP you are left to long waiting lists, one of which I am still waiting for the anxiety clinic to call with an opening. The red tape, the frustration, how do you keep people alive- give them that hope? As I made some headway into living with my depression, some things changed, I began to cope, make strategies to live, function. I desperately miss that old person, she was funny and more carefree and I feel I will never see her again. At work I am afraid and still afraid of being found out that I suffer from depression. I hate the idea of being thought of as crazy- but I struggle on. There is a definite line between kids suffering from depression and adults. I see it all the time at work, we have so many Mental Health policies for the kids at the school —BUT — be an adult, it is a different thing. After my previous post about my ‘career suicide’ the bosses have stopped tip toeing around me but when I am unstable they notice it more and its becoming a – “oh ya, can’t handle the job” attitude. I can handle the job- actually when I am handling the job, busy and juggling the work I feel better and I am darn good at what I do. And this is my biggest issue about having major depression…..they think you can’t function- at anything.

So today — what is the point. I suffer from depression, I am paranoid, The sadness is there, I am struggling, the demons are still here, they tell me horrible things about me, like, I not important, I have no friends, I am at best tolerated by people. These are the facts of life. These are the things I fight. Most of the time I am a champion, a small part of the time, I am not. This is my day to day, this is my reality. I have mourned for my old self and I know I will never see her again. I have drawn myself together and wrapped myself in a cloak to protect myself from the world and from myself, to hold it together these days. This creation keeps me on constant alert and I am afraid to relax for if I do I will fall apart. I have a couple of times the past month and next time … I don’t know if I can wrap myself back up again.

I can recognize these things about me, I proceed. sometimes forward sometime reverse. It is a fact of life and accepting that has been harder for me than the demons and self hatred and other things I have dealt with, but I am still dealing. The truly sad part is that there are those who can not see the forest for the trees, there are people who can’t see that the sun will rise tomorrow, and the pain will ebb and flow. I pray for them, cause truly – the hope you hold on to comes from God. God has had me in his hand all this time. I thought I was the lost 99th sheep lost in the mountains, but I was truly in the sheep pen watched over by the shepherd, I just couldn’t see it.

My final thoughts. IF you know someone suffering from depression- tolerate them, and forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing. They are stumbling around blind. IF you suffer from depression – try to give yourself a break, its an illness like any other illness, and as dark as the night is, or the spot you are in, there will be another day, and the sun will shine- you may have to go through some storms and cloudy days, but the sun will shine.

Thank you subscribers for your notes and readership
Thank you all for reading

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Psycohology of the unstable mind


The psychology of mental illness, that sounds like it contradicts its self, it’s the psychology that fixes mental illness.  Psychology is an academic and applied discipline that involves the scientific study of mental functions and behaviors.  It is the behaviors and the study of mental illness that leads to is cures, its medicines.  We know it is a chemical malfunction that creates the depression. It is a chemical malfunction that creates a cancer cell to grow.   But what kind of chemical malfunction takes a person to want to hurt oneself.  The process of the mentally ill seem to follow the same pattern.  We can see documentation, story after story of how people went from one level to another level to another level to cross into actions that are as unthinkable to a healthy person as they are to the unhealthy. The question then becomes, what is the underlying condition, problem, or situation to lead an unstable person to the next level of self-destruction?

When I was a little girl listening to the radio I couldn’t figure out why all the songs on the radio talked about love?  I was 10 I knew I was loved, I knew that I was in a safe place full of love.  Why were there all these songs about wanting love, getting love, losing love?  To put life in its grandiose terms, life is love.  The fruit of the spirit is;

Galatians 5:22-23

New International Version (NIV)

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

The fruits of depression are the opposite of Gods Fruits.  There is no peace or joy in depression, only sadness and hurt.  Forbearance, Kindness Goodness, is unattainable because of the pain in one’s heart that they can not see around.  Does the depressed person know they are loved by God, Yes they do but it does not stop undesirable actions that can not be controlled.  This leads to the next part.  gentleness and self-control.   Anger and disgust are the two most powerful emotions that grab onto the heart, it is the self-hatred that dominates all actions regardless if rational or not rational.  To cut ones self is an unnatural act, we naturally hate pain, and do anything to keep from being uncomfortable.  The rational of a depressed person in pain with in, wants to only match the pain on the outside by cutting at ones own skin, or any other harmful actions.  It is an act of hatred, self loathing, and the person unbalanced sees every thing in the house as a potential weapon to their inward pain. Kitchen knives, scissors, razors, any thing with an edge and the depressed individual is looking at what a normal person would see as an unsafe item, the depressed person is making a mental note to remember that ‘thing’ could come in handy when the state of mind becomes clouded with pain, and panic.

Its interesting; when you go on vacation, we go camping you set up and you put up your tarp, you relax have a beer and spend the next hour soaking in the peace and joy of being in nature and enjoying a beer, your reward for hard work.  If you relax your body with yoga it’s not a 5 minute thing, it’s a process of breathing, concentrating, relaxing, it is not a sudden emotion or state of mind.  When you become angry, or feel in danger or have a panic attack it is sudden, powerful and on some levels thrilling.  The depressed person who cuts finds it a relief to be able to punish oneself in  another way, to satisfy the angry voices in the head.  The thrill leaves when the person moves beyond the crisis and wakes up the next morning seeing the destruction the person has caused.  Embarrassed, and disgusted with the actions the person falls even more into a hole.

It is not a isolated development.  If you read blogs, stories, books, of people and the depression journey they have been on, the self destruction is bound to turn up sometime.  How do you stop it. grab the person by the hands and don’t let go.  No human spoken word can cure it, Can the word of God stop it I know that he can sometimes I don’t feel it, but the forgiveness is always available.  As Jesus prayed  over 2000 years ago “Lord forgive them for they do not know what they are doing”

till next time………………………………

Tuesday, Pondering Party Day


After taking Tuesday to decide if I was going to follow the doctor’s advice, rules, and medication changes or stay the course.   I had decided to stay the course.  I wasn’t going to give in.  I am in control, so I thought.   I had a great dinner with my friends and husband and then went to a concert down town, I love to go down town.  So much fun, I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed myself.   Two hours, plus of listening to great music with great friends.  It got down to the last 20-30 minutes of the concert I sat down for a minute, and I felt a wave of depression tsunami me.  It came on super fast and frightening way.  I haven’t been frightened in a while.  I am sitting there and my melting mind thought about cutting.  I was thinking there must be a place where no one would know.  This looks so stupid in print.  I can’t believe the idea rushed into my mind, rolled around and was entertained for a bit.  It was a surreal moment in time.  My mind fell into my boots and it was like I was eavesdropping on a conversation.  This seem to last 5 or 10 minutes, and then I was jolted back to normality when I looked around and realized this isn’t a conversation around me, everyone was standing, singing, dancing to the music, the conversation was in my head.  To say I was floored is a sever understatement.  I prayed a silent prayer to God to take this thing away, take the thought away and restore me.  I sat for a moment and jumped up and got myself back into the night.   I was not going to let this hell ruin my night.  I managed to get myself together  after a bit and enjoyed the rest of the night.

As I lay in bed I was very tired, had a few glasses of wine earlier and fell into a toss and turn night, full of weird dreams and restlessness.  I woke this morning and didn’t think of it.  Work, get up get to it, get your daughter to school get lunches in the right hands and off to the office.  It wasn’t till lunch when I had a chance to breath and then remember the evening.  It seemed like a weird dream.  It was a random horrible thought.  It is not a consideration.  I mention this episode because it is just that an episode but it also clinched my decision to follow the doctors medication, rules, follow ups for the next 8 weeks and see where I am.  I guess maybe it was a Blessing I experienced;  when and how I did. I was with safe people, safe place, not alone, and with God’s help pull through it.  I haven’t had any thoughts like that for a long time now, so it seems strange now, but maybe it was a good thing.  I started taking the new meds this morning — so look out next week will be a rocky one.  You can’t mess with these drugs, and any little adjustment sends you over the edge.  The Psyc Doctor called my condition Major Depression Disorder–see definition from web m.d.

” What Is Major Depressive Disorder?

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, major depressive disorder is characterized by a combination of symptoms that interfere with a person’s ability to work, sleep, study, eat, and enjoy once-pleasurable activities.

There are times you may feel sad, lonely, or hopeless for a few days. But major depression — clinical depression — lasts longer and is disabling. It can prevent you from functioning normally, and the disorder can also cause the subject to harm ones self, and suicidal thougths, if left untreated. ”

I don’t like the word Disorder it should be Major Depressive Mind out of Order,  Or MDMOOO for short.  🙂

As far as timing goes it’s a good time to do it / it’s a bad time to do it.  I have lots on my plate.  My Mother is going in for cataract surgery tomorrow,  she just got over a serious bug a week and a bit ago.  I only found out yesterday about the bug.  My idiotic brother knew but figured I was an hour and half away so why bother me. I live too far away.  He got an unpleasant reply from me on that point. I can not express how angry I am about it in this blog  because I wish not to swear in it – but you get the picture.  I have a couple of cousins who are ill one is coming around, one just in for surgery. My son is moving home.  I can’t wait, but it will take a little time to for all of us to adjust to living together again. More stress.   It makes me want to hop in the van and drive till I run out of gas or come to an ocean.  Life is not something to run from so I will sleep tonight, take the meds, work out, do a major cut back on drinking,  go to work, cook for the family, and do what I can to live the life God wants me to.

Just re reading that last paragraph,  very selfish, forgive me.  It’s a mixture of venting, and convincing.  Venting about how my family drives me nuts, and convincing myself I am on the right track.  Will let you know.

till next time. . . . . . . . . . .

Contemplation


I was sitting at lunch today reading a book on anxiety, and how to deal with it. There are no good books out there that I have found dealing with depression. What I have found; christian or otherwise, are books written by educated people, giving advice on a something they have never experienced.
It has been a difficult month. I have been down most of it, with no rhyme or reason. Today I was shopping at Costco, going along no problems, then as I was contemplating my list of stuff, I could feel my heart start to race and my spirits sinking. It was like stepping out in the rain. One second dry; one step soaked.  It makes no sence.

Philippians 4:6-9 NIV

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Our reaction to problems should be first thankfulness and honour to God. To create right thinking and right praying. Depression takes away right thinking, and creates prayers of desperation. When you are trapped in the dark how do you see the light?

1 Corinthians 10:13

13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

The question I can not answer. This depression has led me to depths I could have never fathomed. Where does depression fit in here. Could the chaos of my mind be related to the lack of trust I have in God, I can’t trust myself, I sometimes don’t know what is truth, so what do I trust? Is my lack of trust a sign that I have little faith? This is the great question. How do you reconcile the light and dark of the mind, to the promises of God. Is it wrong for me to assume that with my depression that I can not feel at peace? Or is my peace dependent on God givimg it to me and if I do not feel it – is it because I am doing something wrong.

till next time……

The truth of pain.


Lord do not forsake me, for only by your hand is there clarity. For my mind is a jumble of mixed up thoughts. A pile of mixed up words. Darkness of confusion. As I sit in church and look at your cross I want to see the clarity your word. If God is reaching for man and man is suffering in a pain that the painkillers won’t heal and the doctors do not know how to cure, that the wine does not numb, how do you look at God and see his love. Do I not believe in it? My head says yes I believe in his Love but the pain of suffering can not help but make you think that you are being punished. Forgive my unforgiveness and unbelief, for the pain of the confused mind overshadows truth and love and creates a sink hole of darkness. As I take the body and the blood and kneel at the table of God, my mind is a swirl of light, dark, You want to trust but you feel punished, yet you ask for forgiveness. I do not ask for God to take this pain anymore, I have asked and it is still here. I don’t ask cause I fear disappointment. I know in my head that God’s timing is not mine, but God what ever I am to learn from this, how thick am I that I have not learned it, so this pain can be taken from me. A swirl of thoughts as I kneel at God’s table ….I eat, I drink, I ask for forgiveness, repent, yet when I leave, I do not go in peace. Its no where to be found, and that is the pain. A tight heart of hurt, a grip that never loosens, Drugs that numb you and a mind that thoughts are blank.

till next time……

Strangers and best friends


I mentioned that I have been putting up with a lot of negative attitude towards depression lately.  It is truly unbelievable the names I have been called over the past couple of weeks from people who do not know I am suffering from depression and the demons I am fighting.   The stigma that goes along with this is unbelievable.  I knew about depression and the demons people faced before I became one of them. I knew it was tough and I knew it was something they could not control.  But like the old saying goes “walk a mile in their shoes” .  When did our society become so anti-compassionate?  Or maybe its me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I have to stop, I am too fragile to just continue to put it out there.  I do not have a poker face and I need to work on it, cause people just stomp on people.  Everyone seems to be a critic.

So my question tonight is. Has society, due to instant media, instant gratification become instantly intolerant to people around them?

I grew up on a small town, on a farm.  When someone when through tough times everyone chipped in and helped.  When my Dad was killed, 16 years ago,  the day after people just showed up with food.  We had so much food that we filled two fridges and a table on the front porch, It was winter so it was cold, but thank God cause we couldn’t eat it fast enough.

Or is it conditioning from TV.  I have a teenaged daughter, she doesn’t watch them any more but there was a time where she watched shows that were like the movie Mean Girls.  It drove me nuts cause I hated the way people talked on these shows.  Even a show like Glee, and the music is cool, there is this underlying theme of ” I am going to get you” in the show.  Have we conditioned society to this way of thinking?

So in a nut shell here is how I am feeling and thinking at 12:30 Saturday night,I guess its really Sunday morning.  I have had so many negative comments, cutting comments, made towards me in the past few weeks.  I look at this sentence and think — my readers are going to think I am a bitch! ( please forgive the word, but it fits ) I really am not.  I feel so deeply for those who suffer.  It breaks my heart to see people in pain, and people who are lost and in need of the one true God.  Just like me.  But people, have never understood me, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and it gets broke.  Maybe that is the problem pure and simple.  I put the heart out there cause I feel for people and people tramp on it, usually due to their own demons they are fighting.    I am not doing that any more.  At least with those who are family or people I know well.  I will put it out there for the student at my highschool who cuts themselves, or the student who is suffering from anorexia or the student who is suffering or hurting, cause someone has to put it out there for them.  They just want to be heard, they just want someone – esp a adult to give a dam.

My heart hurts so much, it is such a deep pit of pain,  except for my best friends – I will not put my heart out there to be trampled on. I just can’t do it anymore.  I will not admit to those who know I am suffering cause some of them don’t get it.  I know they want to help but don’t know what to say.  So I will admit nothing, let them off the hook and avoid stupid insensitive comments. To those who cutting comments have come my way lately– I will never admit I have an illness — to do so admits that I am less than I am and it also is something they can’t wrap their heads around and I do not what their useless sympathy and pathitic looks in their eyes as they think— Oh brothers can’t she just count her blessing s and get over it!  If that was something I could do — do you think I would be on the heavy duty medication  I am on, and in the pain I feel in my soul?

till next time…………………

Random ramblings


A few days have passed since my last post.  The darkness and confusion seated themselves at my table — I did not serve then anything.  They tried to convince me that I needed to be with them, much like a black jack table in Vegas enticing an addict.  I sat unmoved from my post.  That sounds good, but in reality I did not invite them to my table — they invited themselves, at a time when thought I would be open to them sitting and drinking with me.  I did not speak to them, I kept my concentration on God.  Don’t think me admiral, or strong. I may have not given into the temptation to hide in their darkness. their ploy to confuse me did not work.  But I listened to every lie they told me– I didn’t scream lies lies, I did nothing to keep my ears from hearing I looked into their hole of darkness as it tried to look like a place of paradise to hide in. I knew better I didn’t fall for it this time.  I tried to brace my heart from the darts of doubt and my mind lies that were shooting at it like a thousand arrows in a battle.

The arrows of battle.  I have held the belief that God spoke us into existence.  In the beginning was the word and the word became flesh.  The word was the thoughts and character of God, given to us in the son of God – Jesus.  If God can speak us into existence and breathe life into our hopeless sinful bodies, then what happens when we swear, curse, gossip, cut people down with the tongue, the double edge sword we hold between our teeth.  We shoot arrows into the spirit, the life of those we curse.  We give power to the darkness, to pull their chairs closer to their tables and confuse and conquered their lives in a darkness, that they may not have the power to break free from.

This is the battle, this is the line drawn in the sand.  why do I bring this up.  If you have ever suffered from depression or mental illness you have felt the darkness creep up upon you and you know its power. I talk about the battle because in the midst of depression you are more aware of its present. The darkness makes you feel like its only your battle. it is only you and the darkness trying to convince you – like a used cars salesmen — “lets make a deal” But the reality– the thing we can not see because of our blindness (which is an evil ploy) we are in a valley of many suffering the same issues the same defeats and sometimes the same victories.  We just can’t see each other because of the fog.

The fog.  This fog is thick.  it creates walls in our minds.  We do the everyday things in life.  Make lunches, call Mom’s, clean the houses.  This fog has made me feel like I am alone.  I have been crying a lot lately.  The tears still do not stop.  In some ways this is healthy– therapeutic.  In others its down right embarrassing. In some ways disturbing.  I have before this illness took over, never been a crier.  I thought it a weakness.  It makes me even now mad to cry.  Don’t get me wrong.. crying is a natural response to stress, grief or pride for those around us.  My rock my husband had been going through a rough time.  Lost of factors.  Ill mother, stress at work, anger issues, and a change in some medication he was taking.  I am uneasy with it all because my husband is my rock.  I need him to be strong and sturdy and he isn’t — I know its a lot of pressure I am putting on him — and my own weak mind.  But I need him to fill the gaps where I can not, because of my illness.

Lately the illness has been showing me its blocks, stops, breaks, gaps, halts, its full stops in my life.  I am in a new job – computer secretary, communication officer.  I am really loving this job. Its great.  But in my day to day — job related I can handle it — but I come to a point where I am looking at personal emails, home expectations, Parent expectations and my limits run amuck and I am thinking no I can’t do this.

Now we are back to my previous reality  issues.  Is the stress I feel the overwhelming,  anxiety I am feeling, a life issue, work issue, a sandwich generation issue, a made up issue the darkness is feeding me, Or is it a reality I can not grasp because of my illness and the reality of all this life is outthere some where to be made sence of at some other time.   Reading this makes me think — you know someone somewhere is going to think I am smoking a kings size something or other ….. maybe I think too much, maybe I do listen to the darkness too much, maybe I drink too much wine and don’t have enough sleep.

These are the random thought that go through this brain of mine.  Ill or not, all to be discovered at a later date

till next time…………….