Self, I have been obsessed with myself the past few days. I have looked at myself from so many angles that I feel like I have been in a 360 mirror spinning around – like a dog chasing its tail. I say I have been obsessed, not from a prideful point of view. Not from an admiring point of view. From a critical eye, but more from an observation point of view. You have those moments when you realize you have to sit back and look. Depression is so much about feel. I feel sad, threatened, frightened, in darkness, evil, hurtful, alone, unloved, unworthy. Depression is never about looking, actually most of the time you want to hide, close your eyes and disappear. Opening the eyes is not natural when you are fighting, taking prescribed drugs and coping. It’s funny as I look at my list of feelings – they are all the opposite of what God is.
The fruit of the spirit of God is Love it can expel and conquer our selfishness. In a “me” generation it is easy to see why Me Self is so easy to fall into–we even inject it into our spiritual life. “God helps those who help themselves” NOT in the bible. Self is a curse when it comes to our relationship with God. Praise the Lord, Jesus was sent to save us from ourselves. There was a time, though it seems long ago, but there was a time that my “self” held its hands up to praise the Lord, full of joy. (And in a Lutheran Church lifting hands higher than your shoulders is saying something 🙂 ) I think this depression has taken so much from me that there is not much self left…..and to surrender this ragged piece, that, wants what the world wants, that sometimes holds on to the darkness even when I really don’t want to. To give oneself to God fully seems impossible. I know I have a sinful nature and that only through belief in Jesus can I really accomplish it, I don’t see much of me left to give. A thought — maybe my acceptance of mental illness is based on the fact that I see and feel a difference from before to now. Maybe my rejection is because I haven’t grieved for the person I was. In print that seems ludicrous. In my heart I understand it. I was an amazing multi tasker! I could easily be doing 3 things at once– I can’t do that now. I have times when I lose my train of thought half way through a sentence. I did that more than once when I had my dr apt this week. I have always had great comprehension, Now I have to bounce things off people as a sound board so I know what something means. I’m not drilling myself into the ground it’s just the facts. Side effect of the drugs, and that is a truth I haven’t given much merit. The drugs push so much down, and have several side effects. I have taken them off the hook for blame– I need to give it back to them–they effect my brain just as much as the depression. The new Doctor this week said that I have developed some good coping strategies and need to learn more for acceptance….I don’t believe this is a life long condition– but for now I have to face reality.
Since I wrote the above, I finished work and went to my work out group I created at work. We work out to the Insanity Work Out DVD from Beachbody ( kinda of ironic isn’t it — the work out is called insanity!….come on its kinda funny!) Shawn T the main guy on the DVD is calling us out– telling us to come on, we can do this, try harder, dig deep, lets go, — major pep talk while we work ourselves into a sweaty mess. Insanity is hard-core– very cardo very push and pull against your body weight, its boot camp like– google you’ll see. I feel very empowered when I do it and I can control how I work out and I get off on it to be honest. As a teen I never really worked out much, now I love to push my body over the edge, to see what I can to physically. As I was working out with my group I had a light go on as I was finishing up the work out. Shawn T is drill sargenting us- I’m getting pumped up on it – even though I am drenched with sweat and pushing on. I realize one reason why I have a tough time accepting my depression. I push myself. I can physically do things now I never gave thought to in my 20’s. After two kids, I ran a half marathon, trained for it myself, done p90x twice, done lots of other physical stuff and considering I never did anything like this before, I am proud of myself, and love to push myself to see what I can do next.
That is why I can’t accept my depression. I feel like I am two people; one is invincible able to physically push myself to do so much. Mentally I fall flat! I have limits and issues and they make me feel vulnerable and fragile. I am two people in one.
That is my revelation for tonight — need to think about this more. For now however I have dinner at my sister-in-laws to night. Look out that could be another 4 blogs in itself.
till next time……………..