end of day

I end this day a little drunk. Sorry but i have had such a mixed up day full of depression and being on edge. I am not sure what to do next. I am such a hurting soul tonight. The end of a bad day where I didn’t know what end was up and vice versa.

Bottom line tired, drunk, in need of sleep and sure of a vicious hang over tomorrow – that I can count on……

tgif,    sorry Lord

till next time….


weird day

Having a weird day — I feel like all my nerve endings are twitching at the same time. I have been having a tough time over the past couple of days keeping myself together. I am putting together a deposit at workfor axp 12,000. It is taking me about 2 days to get it right. I am having a tough time following stuff. Noise — noise is so loud to me I can’t stand excessive noise– which is great I work at a school ugggg. People keep interupting me and I can’t stand people around me. Actually I feel very very sensitive. Maybe that is it my sences are on high allert and I can’t get them to relax. I am just feeling so out of kilter– I just want to go home curl up on the couch and have a nap with my kitty. Last evening I almost got stuck in Shoppers Drug Mart, clutching a package of nylons unable to get to the front of the store. I was frozen in the back of the store. It took me about 10 minutes to breath and force myself to get out. Last night was Lent services I almost bailed, but my husband made me go, a good thing. But at church realized that I totally forgot a function a friend invited me to and can’t go to now, I feel so upset about that cause this friend wouldn’t have not invited me if it didn’t mean alot to him. Fail.
As for today – I don’t want people to talk to me look at me or have anything to do with me. Everything is so loud in my ears I am ready to freak out.
Deep breaths and think calm thoughts and lots of sighing….
No analysis today- just bitching and whining — sorry

till next time….


Self, I have been obsessed with myself the past few days. I have looked at myself from so many angles that I feel like I have been in a 360 mirror spinning around – like a dog chasing its tail.  I say I have been obsessed, not from a prideful point of view. Not from an admiring point of view.  From a critical eye, but more from an observation point of view.  You have those moments when you realize you have to sit back and look.  Depression is so much about feel.  I feel sad, threatened, frightened, in darkness, evil, hurtful, alone, unloved, unworthy. Depression is never about looking, actually most of the time you want to hide, close your eyes and disappear. Opening the eyes is not natural when you are fighting, taking prescribed drugs and coping. It’s funny as I look at my list of feelings – they are all the opposite of what God is.
The fruit of the spirit of God is Love  it can expel and conquer our selfishness. In a “me” generation it is easy to see why Me Self is so easy to fall into–we even inject it into our spiritual life. “God helps those who help themselves” NOT in the bible. Self is a curse when it comes to our relationship with God. Praise the Lord, Jesus was sent to save us from ourselves. There was a time, though it seems long ago, but there was a time that my “self” held its hands up to praise the Lord, full of joy. (And in a Lutheran Church lifting hands higher than your shoulders is saying something  🙂 ) I think this depression has taken so much from me that there is not much self left…..and to surrender this ragged piece, that, wants what the world wants, that sometimes holds on to the darkness even when I really don’t want to. To give oneself to God fully seems impossible. I know I have a sinful nature and that only through belief in Jesus can I really accomplish it, I don’t see much of me left to give. A thought — maybe my acceptance of mental illness is based on the fact that I see and feel a difference from before to now. Maybe my rejection is because I haven’t grieved for the person I was. In print that seems ludicrous. In my heart I understand it. I was an amazing multi tasker! I could easily be doing 3 things at once– I can’t do that now. I have times when I lose my train of thought half way through a sentence. I did that more than once when I had my dr apt this week. I have always had great comprehension, Now I have to bounce things off people as a sound board so I know what something means. I’m not drilling myself into the ground it’s just the facts. Side effect of the drugs, and that is a truth I haven’t given much merit. The drugs push so much down, and have several side effects. I have taken them off the hook for blame– I need to give it back to them–they effect my brain just as much as the depression. The new Doctor this week said that I have developed some good coping strategies and need to learn more for acceptance….I don’t believe this is a life long condition– but for now I have to face reality.

Since I wrote the above, I finished work and went to my work out group I created at work. We work out to the Insanity Work Out DVD from Beachbody ( kinda of ironic isn’t it — the work out is called insanity!….come on its kinda funny!) Shawn T the main guy on the DVD is calling us out– telling us to come on, we can do this, try harder, dig deep, lets go, — major pep talk while we work ourselves into a sweaty mess. Insanity is hard-core– very cardo very push and pull against your body weight, its boot camp like– google you’ll see. I feel very empowered when I do it and I can control how I work out and I get off on it to be honest. As a teen I never really worked out much, now I love to push my body over the edge, to see what I can to physically. As I was working out with my group I had a light go on as I was finishing up the work out. Shawn T is drill sargenting us- I’m getting pumped up on it – even though I am drenched with sweat and pushing on. I realize one reason why I have a tough time accepting my depression. I push myself. I can physically do things now I never gave thought to in my 20’s. After two kids, I ran a half marathon, trained for it myself, done p90x twice, done lots of other physical stuff and considering I never did anything like this before, I am proud of myself, and love to push myself to see what I can do next.
That is why I can’t accept my depression. I feel like I am two people; one is invincible able to physically push myself to do so much. Mentally I fall flat! I have limits and issues and they make me feel vulnerable and fragile. I am two people in one.
That is my revelation for tonight — need to think about this more.  For now however  I have dinner at my sister-in-laws to night.  Look out that could be another 4 blogs in itself.

till next time……………..

Doctor Day

Sitting in the waiting room of the hospital for my doctor apt.  I’m having a little trouble calming myself.  I was sitting at home at the  front door waiting to leave, to come here, aware of the passage of time.  How long ago was it that this all started.  How long and winding was the road to this waiting room.  How many dark places did I pass through to get here.  It makes me anxious.  My heart is pounding.   It’s just a dr apt. nothing more than that. Well its a doctor’s apt with a psychiatrist, in the mental health wing of the hospital. 😦  We will  assess my meds and carry on.  Sometimes I sit and think ” is this real… is this really happening to me?  Its made up in my head.”  I am imagining this.  I’m here under false pretense and using up OHIP money that is really needed for someone  else .  But here I am thinking Oh My seriously!  Sigh….. I guess this is shocking to me today cause this is admitting that it is real.  In my little world, in my little house, I can deny it.  Its other people’s issue not mine.  Why is this so hard to accept.  I can handle it when its someone else … I sat in a hallway at school for 20 min last week,  I talked a student down from a panic attack.  Its fear.  I guess maybe fear of the unknown and fear of the places I have been and where it could go.  At this very moment, this second, it is fear of the doctor I haven’t met yet that is 20 min late.

So there are a few of us sitting here, in the waiting room, all looking embarrassed, all staring at floor, no one meets anyone elses eyes,  all saying nothing, all frowning.  There is lots of noise – it is a hospital after all, but its quiet too, suspended time waiting.


So the doctor comes out, calls my name from the door, 25 feet away.  My first gut response is “shhhhhhhhh! someone will here you.” Is that not the stupidest thing you ever heard?  So I go in,  I think, if there is a couch in there and she asks me to sit on it- or lay down and tell her about my childhood I am bolting.   She is nice, we talk for over two hours,  no couch no bolting.   We talk about my childhood, my marriage, friends, life, work, the dark times, the voices, the anorexia, other things I have inflected upon myself.   Then we stop. We stop, and she looks at me and says nothing.  I am thinking — I don’t know what I am thinking …. we stop and blink at each other.

The Dr says I am suffering from Major Depression.  She tells me there are two drug programs I need to consider, and she tells me that I am in denial and I need to start to group therapy to first accept what I have become, and to develop some more coping strategies.  She also wants me to see my Dr in 3 weeks for all her recommendations and to see her in three months.  Anymore episodes like in November I am to go to the hospital.

blink blink blink.

I leave – go shopping — spend money I don’t have — come home — look amazing from new cloths– feel like I want to cry- can’t cry dam drugs won’t let me.

She wasn’t that short or blunt but that is the short story.  So I guess it is true.  I really am suffering from mental illness.

I have been sitting here staring at the last sentence for the past 15 minutes I have no idea what else to say… so I will leave it here while I consider things.

till next time…………………


I am reading Absolute Surrender by Andrew Murray, written late 1895, I came to this paragraph on encouragement to surrender ourselves to God.

Oh, I want to encourage you, and I want you to cast away every fear. Come with that feeble desire; and if there is the fear which says:”Oh, my desire is not strong enough, I am not willing for everything that may come, I do not feel bold enough to say I can conquer everything”– I pray you, learn to know and trust your God now. Say:”My God, I am willing that Thou shouldst make me willing.” If there is anything holding you back, or any sacrifice you are afraid of making, come to God now, and prove how gracious your God is, and be not afraid that He will command from you what He will not bestow.”

Hard words to hear, it’s not that I disagree with them or dispute them, it is not that I do not want to surrender but I am stuck.  I am holding onto a part of me that is unsurrenderable. because I do not know who I am, and I do not want to lose the tattered thing I am.  Like a child with a tattered blanket I am holding on, cause to let go means unknown.  There is so much unknown in my heart and soul at this moment- how do you surrender unconditionally.  It does come back to Trust God, and just let go.  There are times when I can do that. There are times when there is no other option.  But there are times like now, my mind is full of smoke and I can not see the truth let alone trust, I do take comfort in the fact that God is forever at my side waiting for me, but there is this thing deep within me that feels threatened and I try to hold it to keep it safe.  Maybe that is it. the fear of losing me- and the panic that the devil puts upon me to keep me off track.  The lack of sleep and the dreams have blinded me, numbed me from truth and thought.

Andrew Murry goes on to say

Christ Jesus. He lived a life of absolute surrender, He has possession of you; He is living in your heart by His Holy Spirit. You have hindered and hindered Him terribly, but He desires to help you to get hold of Him entirely. And He comes and draws you now by His message and words. Will you not come and trust God to work in you that absolute surrender to Himself?”

Here is the heart of my confusion, the heart of my struggle–If God is that way and when I have surrendered to him, how do I manage the sad, hateful, anger that grows inside of me.  I know that this is totally opposite of God, and I know they are from the devil, but when they take over I feel embarrassed, anger, sad, that I am neither strong enough to resist, or unwilling to let go.  I know when I am at my loneliest I am not the lost sheep but in the pen with my eyes closed unseeing where I am.  But it is the depth of the dark with in that keeps me from seeing the light.

The only thing I can do tonight is to try to surrender myself to peaceful sleep and ask that God protects my dreams from dark.

till next time………..


Had the worst night in a long time for sleep. I saw every hour. I wasn’t fully awake but I wasn’t fully asleep. I felt like a chicken on rotisserie , around and around and around I went.  So today I feel exhausted, grumpy, and terribly confused.
During the times I dozed off  I was dreaming, most of which I am not sure of. I have impressions of things and little things today are triggering a memory, but they were disturbing, frightening dreams.  The type you wake up with a scare, but you don’t know why.

I have had bad dreams before- but I am not sure what is real today and what was a dream.  I have these impressions that I should be worried, or grieving but don’t know why.  I am totally messed up.  I have been slowly going over all areas of my life sorting out what is happening in them. ie. Home life– husband here -check, still loves me, check, Daughter, check, still here check, son– waiting for text.  Oh just text me back, laughed cause I am having bad dreams and said he is just fine.  Ungreatful child– laughing at me.  And so I go through all things – to get rid of the feeling of dread.

My pastor’s verse this morning on his face book was St Paul– I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.  Sometimes I think he is creeping me through my window!  But it was a word I needed to hear this morning.  As I was reading this I had previously thought- today would be a good day to be sick! But that would be a lie, and God is with me so I can do all things with him.

There are things in my mind I am struggling with today- not sure what is real or not… so I leave you today without much discussion till I can get myself straight.  Another thing I hate about me, lack of control and unable to clear my mind and move forward. I have a week till my doctor’s apt –as I type this I get a memory of a dream, that distinctly involved the hospital– so real but so far away – man its confusing. Maybe next week the doctor can do something.  They scheduled me for 2 hours plus a follow-up visit.  I’m nervous about this one as it’s at the hospital.  I’m sure it will be ok– whats the worst that happens, they don’t let me go…..ugggg even trying to be funny that sounds horrible.

till next time………………..



Its been a blue day. I had a good Friday night with my best friends…i love them so much. Its Sunday prevening, not evening not afternoon its pre evening so it prevening. Today I feel like the weight of the world on my shoulders. I’m off today sad, disgusted with myself, self loathing. The things that I am not to feel or do. I am shaky sad and anxious all at the same time. I want to text my best friends, but I don’t, not again, not me the wreck, how much can they take of me, always saving nme. I hate me this prevening. In church I am listening to the sermon about

1 Corinthians 13:4-6

New International Version (NIV)

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

this isn’t about marriage, I had this vs at my wedding and thinking it was about me and my husband’s love. Its about God’s love. If you take the word Love and replace it with God or Jesus this is the true meaning of this verse. I looked at this verse and I replaced love with “depression is not” for the first few does not’s,Vs 5 it changes to does, then we come to vs 6 depression does delight in evil and does not rejoice in the truth.

Of all the things love is, depression is the opposite. Love is there with its hand out. Depression sucks life away. Love is the power of God. Depression is the opposite. It takes your life, your strength, your faith. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth …… depression muddies the evil and confuses the truth.

Love is long suffering — in its patient — God’s love is long suffering, God is holding its hand to me. God doesn’t delight in evil but kindness.

So the thing I struggle with when I am down, like tonight. God is all these good things. He is love patience, kindness, no records of wrong etc etc. Like the vs says. But depression amplifies the struggle of good and evil, and these truths become muddy and unclear. Tonight I don’t know what to believe.

till next time……………….

thursday night

So its Thursday night. I was to call my Mother this week. Its been a sad week, I was afraid to call her. She doesn’t get this, she doesn’t understand. She thinks I am suffering from empty nest syndrome if I get a hobby I will be better. I don’t want to worry her. There have been so many commercials about mental health on TV lately. All this talk about accepting mental health, its nice, but you can ever change the mind of those who see mental illness as something that should be put in the hospital and not mentioned in polite company.

Another week – another day – another day of dealing

What is in a name?

Monday, not a bad day at work– I worked out after work, did all the things I should – ate right, watched my coffee intake, but I am so tired tonight. I did a lot of sleeping on the weekend, I don’t understand why I have weekends when I sleep so much. Still feeling sad tonight. It’s not anxiety, or panic attacks just sad. The darkness isn’t here – I just don’t like me tonight.

I was thinking today – about the blogs I have written when I have really been in a bad spot. The words I have used to describe the darkness and the places it has led me. I was reading stories in the bible, often people in the bible, new and old testament have their names changed. I found this curious and as I read about all the people that had their names changed it made me begin to wonder. I have said in previous blogs that Jesus was the Word, and became flesh. I have talked about how when I have been in my most dark moments, the darkness wanted me to deny – to speak against my beliefs and to put flesh to the negative words against God and to separate me even more from him. But a name. When you read about babies being named in the bible, many times God has told the parents to name their baby a certain name because of what it means. There are countless stories where a baby is named purely for its meaning. When Jesus picked his disciples he renamed them in most cases. When Saul became a believer in Jesus, his name was changed to Paul. Jacob after wrestling with God all night, his name became Israel.  It represented a change, a new beginning, or the name represented its meaning.
I bring this up because there is so much more I do not understand about words, names, and their power. The old saying sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me— do any of us believe that???? NO. There is a spiritual realm that connects words, names, and the kingdom of God that I do not grasp — nor will I ever, my brain doesn’t work that well these last years. Maybe God will revel it to me — but there is a lot more to this than I can explain.
I do know that the darkness wanted me to speak my denial of God. The darkness wanted me to name it so it could become close to me. When we are introduced to someone and get to know their name we are also developing a relationship. To call someone by name creates a familiar situation.  As familiar I am with my depression I do not what to give it a name so that it thinks that this is its home. The bible says resist the devil and he will flee from you. Jesus said when he was in the desert for 40 days he told the devil you cannot live on bread alone but live by the word of God. Negativity and the temptation to speak against God– to swear, lie, goes against and gives power to the opposite of God- the darkness and the devil. To speak our beliefs in God and call him by name allows Gods power and protection to envelope us.
I am writing this more to remind me of these truths than to tell you these truths.
Now for the difficult bits. I still have trouble with these truths and being sad at the same time. I want to reconcile this but can’t maybe it isn’t ment to be.

till next time…………..

Sunday night in Feb.

Friday was a bad day… it ended with me sitting up to 2 in the morning. Partly because I was waiting from my daughter to return from a party and secondly cause I couldn’t sleep. Saturday was less jittery. It was a good day to be honest. I was feelng a little off, but I spent a nice, close, family day with my husband and my daughter. We had one of those days that you thank God for, cause it makes you feel like maybe you are a good parent and it was a close loving day. No big reason for it, the three of us spent most of the day together – talking about my daughter’s future in school and we discussed what it meant to be a family and she even said she appreciated us—-my 16 year old’s words!!!!. I am being funny but she had a Ah Ha moment and we spent the day together and it was wonderful. She is such a good kid. I love her so much.
Sunday -we went to church it was nice… we did our clean the house duty, my daughter worked, my husband and I spent some time together – he had a nap and I cleaned up some stuff and then I sat down fell asleep. I don’t know why – but I did. Feeling sad today. No reason. No darkness, no family drama, no nothing – just sad.
I have been making me do stuff today– a little cleaning up of the house, dusting etc. right now I am done. No more energy. I did do some yoga this aft. I stretched and calmed my nervers, and had a nap. That is a good thing I think– not sure that is to be the result yoga instructors want!?

I have no more words for tonight. I am feeling a little out of it. I an not putting thoughts together very well tonight.
Monday and back at it.
till next time……..