Monday, not a bad day at work– I worked out after work, did all the things I should – ate right, watched my coffee intake, but I am so tired tonight. I did a lot of sleeping on the weekend, I don’t understand why I have weekends when I sleep so much. Still feeling sad tonight. It’s not anxiety, or panic attacks just sad. The darkness isn’t here – I just don’t like me tonight.
I was thinking today – about the blogs I have written when I have really been in a bad spot. The words I have used to describe the darkness and the places it has led me. I was reading stories in the bible, often people in the bible, new and old testament have their names changed. I found this curious and as I read about all the people that had their names changed it made me begin to wonder. I have said in previous blogs that Jesus was the Word, and became flesh. I have talked about how when I have been in my most dark moments, the darkness wanted me to deny – to speak against my beliefs and to put flesh to the negative words against God and to separate me even more from him. But a name. When you read about babies being named in the bible, many times God has told the parents to name their baby a certain name because of what it means. There are countless stories where a baby is named purely for its meaning. When Jesus picked his disciples he renamed them in most cases. When Saul became a believer in Jesus, his name was changed to Paul. Jacob after wrestling with God all night, his name became Israel. It represented a change, a new beginning, or the name represented its meaning.
I bring this up because there is so much more I do not understand about words, names, and their power. The old saying sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me— do any of us believe that???? NO. There is a spiritual realm that connects words, names, and the kingdom of God that I do not grasp — nor will I ever, my brain doesn’t work that well these last years. Maybe God will revel it to me — but there is a lot more to this than I can explain.
I do know that the darkness wanted me to speak my denial of God. The darkness wanted me to name it so it could become close to me. When we are introduced to someone and get to know their name we are also developing a relationship. To call someone by name creates a familiar situation. As familiar I am with my depression I do not what to give it a name so that it thinks that this is its home. The bible says resist the devil and he will flee from you. Jesus said when he was in the desert for 40 days he told the devil you cannot live on bread alone but live by the word of God. Negativity and the temptation to speak against God– to swear, lie, goes against and gives power to the opposite of God- the darkness and the devil. To speak our beliefs in God and call him by name allows Gods power and protection to envelope us.
I am writing this more to remind me of these truths than to tell you these truths.
Now for the difficult bits. I still have trouble with these truths and being sad at the same time. I want to reconcile this but can’t maybe it isn’t ment to be.
till next time…………..