Thank you Cathy for your nomination, you are very sweet and make me blush!
Thank you Cathy for your nomination, you are very sweet and make me blush!
Well here we are the night before christmas so to speak. Just before we leave on Vacation and I know I am running away. I spoke to my Brother-in-law today. The family is fighting cause people are not caving to what others want. My Mother is spending Christmas day alone cause we are away. Other family will be there on the 26. I am being haunted by the ghost of Christmas past. To top it off I have had a stressful week at work implimating a new process at work and making it work. I am ready to run. It concerns me at to the running. Maybe I think too much but here is the low down. I can get away this year but what about next year??? I have to face my fears and spend Christmas here.
That isn’t it really my panic its from two things. First I have been sad all week and have been trying really hard to be better. And secondly I am confronted by the facts that I am ill with this depression – and I have to go back to therapy. My adjustments oin meds have made me more awake when I get up and I think that I can start working out again. But I have been shaky this week and its been a tough week to keep myself on track and not being sad. I feel like I could cry evey day this week but it never comes. I feel like I don’t know what to do. This is not unknown words I have written. These are not unknown feeling I have written about. These sound whiny and self pitying. I am pathetic! but the bottom line is again one more time I express how fustrated I am when the “mood “comes one and I can not control it. This week I walked out on supper with my kids cause I couldn’t continue with out crying. I hid in my room for most of the night. I feel like a failure because I can not control my emotions. Pathic and whiny that is how I have seen myself this week I know that is not truth but its the feeling this week.
I think it us important to understand that feelings lie to us and the devil takes them and messes with us.
tonight I only have a short blog to say. There are ghosts of Christmas past that need to be delt with. Maybe in the next 365 days I can come to reason for with them
God Bless you Have a very Merry Christmas —- remember Jesus is the reason for the season!!!
Last night I was in a bit of a hole. Not a deep one, more of a puddle. I was slipping most of the day I was doing my best to ignore the negative voices, I went to church and tried and tried to concentrate on the sermon but I could not. Everything was jumbled and I couldn”t make sence of it. I know why- After the service my husband my best friend and my pastor were getting together to pray, in our mini but powerful prayer circle. It happened last time we got together. The Devil knows we were up to something and I was so agitated last time I shook all day. Last night no so much shaking but garbled, and I felt my heart was breaking under the weight of brokeness, not only mine, but of some of those around me. I came home cuddled my honey and went to sleep and I slept for a change. I got up and could feel the weight of the day before slide off me. I was light again, no garble, no heaviness. My anxiety levels have been up, not to panic levels but anxious. I think part of it is our trip coming up – things like –do the kids know what they need, did I buy enough Graval, sunscreen, advil. etc etc. Packing issues. I will take care of that this weekend and if we get there and don’t have it, well we will just buy it.
A friend asked me if I had made peace with Christmas. To be honest it stumped me, I really didn’t know how to answer. Will I miss my best friend, and Christmas eve Service. absolutely they are always my favorite things. Have I made peace with God over Christmas? Yes– I paused before I wrote that – I don’t think I was angry with God over last Christmas, I didn’t know what was happening to me. I didn’t know what caused the break down and what caused the deep hole I fell into. I blamed it on everyone else my family, my Mother-in-law, the things I was involved with at church. etc etc. I had never thought about that before. but yes I did blame everyone else for how I was feeling cause I didn’t understand what was happening to me, and I thought I was losing my mind. I was paranoid and frightened as I have never been before. I still feel in some way I am running away from Christmas, but not God. I am running away from the memories of desperation, darkness, fear, and loneliness. This year there is so much that I am not doing. No cards, presents, tree, dinner. It’s a relief to be away from the rush and rush of Christmas but I feel like I am being haunted by the ghost of Christmas past! Sorry but the I couldn’t resist the Christmas comparison but it works! Right now this week I am in a holding pattern of reoccurring events we do every year. This year we are finishing up our commitments and now starting to pack for our big trip. I am ready to go now. Have I made peace with Christmas the event, the traditions, and the things we do-no I am running away from it. I am running away from the ghost of christmas past. I am not running away from God. God still has me in his hand, he is still protecting me, loving me, leading me, covering me over when I need a safe place to be. I believe in the Christmas story as fact; that Jesus did come as a baby the word becomes flesh. It is becoming clear to me, I just can’t do the “event”.
So today I pack for our trip next week. My meds were adjusted this week so now I have been shaking again ugg! and the timing of them have been changed so hopefully that will sort its self out before we go. In the mean time I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas in the true meaning of celebrating the God Childs birthday. …………………………..till next time
It has been a rush around week – meetings and large project at work and stuff after work. I don’t know if I am overwhelmed, sad, tired or all of the above. I think all of the above. I could feel sadness crawling around me today. Not bad, just enough to say – hey you bug off. I am not heading down that road tonight. I am home alone for a change and I am planing some yoga later. It will be a push for tha,t cause I feel like pouring a glass of wine and sitting in my bed and listening to sad songs and hiding. Can’t, my family left a mess in the kitchen and I have laundry to finish so I must keep busy or I will lose myself to the voices calling. There is a student at the hospital tonight one of our students from school on suicide watch. I want to go and talk to him. The parents are blaming the situation on a minor incident at school but I don’t think they realize that if a teen is attempting it, it’s because he has been thinking about it for a while. I was at Sick Kids down town visiting another student who is going through cancer treatments. Its a rough go for the father and son. I feel for them but God is in control and I keep praying. I may go visit some more later.
I am not having a crisis of faith. I know God is my centre, I continue to look to him to hold me and protect me and he does, and when I am unable to God covers me over to protect me. But I get frustrated, frustrated with feeling down, frustrated because in my meditations God keeps telling me to heal the broken-hearted and I don’t know how. frustrated with a couple of people at work that irritate me. I am frustrated that sometimes I can’t control my temper or my mind or my body, how am I suppose to help others. I know the answer to all these things I know I should quiet my soul and meditate on Gods word and give it all to him, complete surrender, I know I should tell the negative voices to go away and resist the devil and all his ways. Tonight I am tired, and the negative voices know I am tired and are pulling at me. I know I need to let the frustration go and seek the Loving God I have, and trust him to show me his way, in his way and in his time. But sometimes its like being on a diet in a chocolate factory the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Sometimes they both are weak.
So tonight I will finish my chores, pick up my daughter from field hockey and then my son from his part-time job and try to ignore the brokeness that is trying to drown me, resist the urge to drink a glass of wine and eat something.
December already, how did that happen. Hard to believe it is that time already. This weekend I don’t have much happening so its a good time to decorate the house — well clean the house first and then decorate for christmas. Its a weird Christmas this year. We are going to Mexico for Christmas, land in there a couple days before and leave before New Years. I am starting to get excited for the adventure. I am going to miss my friends and my Mother but it makes for a real breaking of traditions. We are not buying a tree this year, no point. I have this huge Ficus tree that already has pin lights on it so we are just going to add to it. No presents to buy. We told everyone not to buy for us we would not buy for them. No Christmas shopping – It is really neat. No cards to send we decided we would take a picture on holidays and mail them out when we got back as Happy New Year pictures. There are some things I will miss but this is a once in a life time thing, so its ok. Its kinda nice to shake up Christmas.
Last year I had my breakdown before Christmas and was so depressed I couldn’t bearly function. I hated the holidays last year. I couldn’t stand the carols, the decorating, the services, the parties, the food. It all just was too much to swallow.
This year is so much different. Since my prayer meeting with my pastor and best friend, I have been feeling more and more like me. I canceled my therapy meeting for next week. I have been feeling good and with Christmas coming up I am a little busy to be driving across the city, for now. I was standing in Canadian Tire this morning with my husband, I was listening to a christmas song with a sax in it, it was so pretty and then I felt a very soft little pop. I was waiting for my husband to make up his mind as to what bulb to buy for the van lights and just thinking about God and my previous day’s devotions and half listening to the music and suddenly I felt excited for Christmas. Not because we have this big trip planned but just excited about the event its self. The services at church the getting together with people, the parties we are going to, the little things I want to do to make christmas special for the kids. It was all very neat, and foreign. At first I was hey what does that mean. Then I had this thought “I like Christmas” and then I rethought the thought and Yes I do like Christmas. I know this sounds weird but here’s the thing. I hated Christmas last year and for the rest of the year I kept thinking about how the depression started and how it was at the Christmas time of year and I have been putting such negative energy and thoughts around the Holiday that I was a little taken a back when I decided that I like Christmas this year. The only thing that grieves me is I will be missing two of my favorite services, and my friends. To think about it now makes me a little sad, but I will be sitting on a beach in the sun so maybe I can live with
In the end I am feeling more and more like me, is it God, is it I am getting adjusted to the drugs, is it the therapy I have had, is it a combination of all of the above? — well yes but I think that my prayer meeting with the 4 of us has made the most difference. It was such a powerful prayer meeting– it is defiantly a do over. I think God is giving me a peace I haven’t had in a while and that is wonderful, as for therapy– not sure what to think yet.
This is all i have to say for now – have a great weekend