It has been a rush around week – meetings and large project at work and stuff after work. I don’t know if I am overwhelmed, sad, tired or all of the above. I think all of the above. I could feel sadness crawling around me today. Not bad, just enough to say – hey you bug off. I am not heading down that road tonight. I am home alone for a change and I am planing some yoga later. It will be a push for tha,t cause I feel like pouring a glass of wine and sitting in my bed and listening to sad songs and hiding. Can’t, my family left a mess in the kitchen and I have laundry to finish so I must keep busy or I will lose myself to the voices calling. There is a student at the hospital tonight one of our students from school on suicide watch. I want to go and talk to him. The parents are blaming the situation on a minor incident at school but I don’t think they realize that if a teen is attempting it, it’s because he has been thinking about it for a while. I was at Sick Kids down town visiting another student who is going through cancer treatments. Its a rough go for the father and son. I feel for them but God is in control and I keep praying. I may go visit some more later.
I am not having a crisis of faith. I know God is my centre, I continue to look to him to hold me and protect me and he does, and when I am unable to God covers me over to protect me. But I get frustrated, frustrated with feeling down, frustrated because in my meditations God keeps telling me to heal the broken-hearted and I don’t know how. frustrated with a couple of people at work that irritate me. I am frustrated that sometimes I can’t control my temper or my mind or my body, how am I suppose to help others. I know the answer to all these things I know I should quiet my soul and meditate on Gods word and give it all to him, complete surrender, I know I should tell the negative voices to go away and resist the devil and all his ways. Tonight I am tired, and the negative voices know I am tired and are pulling at me. I know I need to let the frustration go and seek the Loving God I have, and trust him to show me his way, in his way and in his time. But sometimes its like being on a diet in a chocolate factory the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Sometimes they both are weak.
So tonight I will finish my chores, pick up my daughter from field hockey and then my son from his part-time job and try to ignore the brokeness that is trying to drown me, resist the urge to drink a glass of wine and eat something.