Its finally friday — a very long week.  I got a little sleep Wed and Thursday night for a few hours.  I wasn’t completely awake for the other hours, I tossed and turned with strange dreams that keep waking me up. My plan for this weekend– clean up the house a bit.  Maybe attempt to cook some stuff and sleep.  I am for sure having some naps — if I can, and do some bible reading .  I had a shaky start to the day today — that seems to be happening most mornings.   We will see what next week brings.. I

tillnext time…………..

Mid Week, I went to bed at 10:30pm, the last time I looked at the clock it was 12:45am I saw 2 3 4 and 5 I think I fell asleep for about 20 minutes, but had some crazy dreams – so glad I awoke again.  I feel like a china cup today, fragle.  I am shaky too, trying to talk myself out of a anxiety attack.  I have a headache, I am at work awaiting the advil to kick in, but I know its lack of sleep.  I have spent the morning chasing down paper work, I thought I lost– but it was taken from my files– thought I was losing my mind.  One of my bosses called me in to ask what is up and why I seem off.. then gave me the “you do too much for too many people, relax and chill.”  I didn’t explain about the anxiety attack I was having,   took a anxiety pill so maybe that will calm the shaking and went on a walk for my break.

day in the life………….till next time……………….

Here we are at Tuesday, last night I got 4 hours sleep.  At work today and carrying on best I can.   As the days pass and the lack of sleep sets in, I become more numb.  I went to my work out last night — Insanity –that is the work out name –ironic eh? but it is a work out of weights and cardo, not fluffy I should be tried, and I was tired last evening.  Came home cleaned up the kitchen, scrubbed the bathroom, trying to wear myself out.  It didn’t help.

My body trembles today, blaming a lack of sleep.  My mouth and my mind seem to be disjointed.  I have the idea, but can not get the words to come out of my mouth.  I start a conversation but I can not describe what I am talking about.  Example, If I am talking about a room, or place I can say “hey what is happening with the ….. I can’t name the place or person. Its concerning, makes me look incompetent, and I am sure the person I am talking to is thinking ok just spit it out.

I made a comment on face book about having a bad day and my husband bringing me a rose.  Unlike him and how wonderful.  my mother called last night to see if I was ok.  She told me to not stress out and stop doing so much, cut back a bit.  -_-

My husband  wants to take me to the doctor.  To do what?   They can’t do anything.  Then he suggested it take some stress leave.  To what end? I may get some rest but then people will know what is wrong with me and how do I gain that respect back.  It would be my bosses who would know – I can’t do that.   I am the go to person in the office – I leave on stress leave, boom all respectability gone.  My husband suggested hospital, same thing.  So I am not going.

I am writing this day by day blog of this episode so those who have been through this can feel they are not alone, and that the ones who don’t understand can get inside the head os someone suffering.  I think the loneliness of it all is the  hardest thing of all.  I have family and friends supporting me, I don’t want to think what that would be like if I didn’t, but even at that, your mind is a whirlwind of disjointed thoughts, pain, negativity. There are parts of the day where I feel better my son called me earlier from college, he is very sarcastic in a funny way and makes me laugh, it brightened my day to hear his voice.  Right now I feel this sinking feeling–the physical side of depression.  I was having a discussion with a student at school this morning where I was agreeing with her about something  (i can’t for the life of me remember right now what we were talking about) but was about to say to her  I’ve  done the same thing – and then I couldn’t remember where or when this ‘same thing’  happened.  Now I am not sure I ever did have it happen, was it a dream? or have i just forgot.  I am sitting here right now and I can’t  honestly remember.  And that is the scary part.  Things happen in the evening I don’t remember.  Black moments in time.

till next time

Last night  I was hoping for sleep– I went to bed at 11:30 pm I fell asleep at 1:30 am,  woke up at 3:30am and blinked at the ceiling till 6:30.  When I don’t sleep I have a eyebrow that twitches, I feel like I have a wiggling caterpiller on my brow. I am ready to rip it off my face and fling.  I feel like I am giving everyone a “come on look” because I can see it moving, but others say they don’t.   In a sleep deprived way its funny.   Thank God its funny cause I am in such a miserable mood that something has to make me smile.   I am short-tempered and numb.  just numb.  I have had encouraging conversations with friends.  they are wonderful friends….and their words help, but I can’t get through the tough outer layer that is numbness.  Like knowing you have a cheek that is numb by the dentist.  You know you have a cheek,  you touch the cheek and see the cheek, but don’t feel the cheek.  Because of the numbness when you do not touch or see you feel it’s not there– kinda like parts of my heart.

I feel like I my feet are stuck in cement, and before me are the paths of my life.  I want to help people, I want to be involved, I have things I want to do, maybe even clean my house.  I am stuck, I see the paths drifting away and can’t move on with things.  I see life moving.  Kids growing up, one moved away, people having babies, getting married, working, changeling jobs, creating, living.  I lean forward to touch the ground where the journey starts but I can not slide out of the cement.  Seven years ago when I went through a career change I dreamed of planes taking off.  I was a pilot  and was at the controls, I could feel the thrill of the take off and the security of the landing it was wonderful and it filled me with confidence to do stuff, play music at church and be apart of biblestudies. Some days I can’t get out of the house. I felt assured by God that I was on the right paths.  I still love my job but my confidence is gone.

The thing that bothers me is my memory.  I don’t remember things or conversations sometimes I have periods of time I don’t remember.  Last week I came home did some things and went to  bed.  I woke up the next morning in a panic telling my daughter that I had to give her money for lunch cause I didn’t make it.  She said “Mom I watched you make my lunch we sat at the counter and talked for half an hour before you went to bed.  I remember nothing…..my daughter thinks I lost my mind — maybe she is right. 

As for now, I retrace my steps over and over to make sure I did what I wanted to do and repeat myself over and over to make sure that I said what I wanted to say and I didn’t say it in my mind.  That happens a lot too.  Its hard not to act crazy when you are acting crazy. 

till next time…..

how true

Sunday night …the end of a painful weekend.  I have had maybe 8 hours sleep all weekend.  I am tired, but can’t sleep, I am angry, I am negative, I am sad – and self-destructive. I fell into a hole, and nothing is real.  I feel nothing but pain, I am trying not to cut myself but the pain wishes to reveal itself on the outside and appears.  This is the account of a person dealing with depression and the feelings that come and the coping I do.  Causing myself pain believe it or not releases the inner struggle.  Do I want to hurt myself, no, but my mind goes away and I  am not found. a numbness comes, and can not be denied, put away, or hidden.   Things are surreal, I  do not know what is a real thing.  I can not even put into words the mess I am in right now.  I want to be good and loving and be so much more than I am becoming.  I am in a state of giving up.  I have given up so many things I wish to be involved with at church cause I can’t do them I have ministry things that are dear to me and I see them being set aside because I can’t cope.  Hell I couldn’t do the darn Costco shop on my own, don’t even look at my washrooms they are a mess.  I was a women in control…now I can’t even scrub a toilet.

this reads like self-pity and whining.  idiot.

how do you explain depression without sounding self-centered and pitiful.  It is this deep-seated pain that rests in your heart, and a voice which belittles everything about you.  My husband gets a call from a person from our church today — a hard ass- pardon the expression.  But had wonderful things to say about him and the lack of him playing in the band at church.   Nice it made him feel so good, she forgot I played guitar and didn’t realize I played in the band too.  I stand beside my husband — How invisible am I — is that pitiful.   maybe it is.

Bottom line tonight I don’t know what is what.  I don’t even know if there is a God. I look at the most delicate things he created in this world and look at the scars on my arm, If he is so great how can I feel so bad.  If he is so wonderful, how can he let his child hurt.  As a parent I have let my children suffer through things, instead of giving them all they want to teach them humility.  How proud must I be if this is my fathers lesson to me.

till next time

It’s the middle of September, made it through a month of work. Its been ok, very busy, keeping me on my toes. I needed a break so my husband and I went to our favorite Provincial Park and went camping. The evenings were cold but we had a fantastic dinner, sat in front of a fire cuddled up in our tent trailer and slept in Sunday Morning. We talked and talked and talked about everything. It was a really good weekend balm for my soul, and our marriage. We felt like we had been on a long vacation and it was only over night.

I have reduced one of my meds– can’t remember if I mentioned this before previous blog, but I have and with out my Doctor’s advisement. I am beyond numb and I want to feel something so I am reducing one some. I have also decided to check out a Naturpathic Doctor. I saw her a week ago. I went through some testing and basically said I am in great health (“great now what” – I am thinking) but my adrenals are extremely low and could be causing some of my exhaustion problems. I tell her I want to be off the antidepressants and for now she doesn’t want me to touch the dose for now. So I continue on. In the mean time she prescribes some things to help improve the adrenals and my exhaustion. I didn’t tell her that I had a complete work up of blood tests a month or so ago I wanted to get an idea if she was for real or not. As we went through the testing she told me my thyroid was normal, iron is slightly off and blood pressure normal, and everything else she tested was normal– exactly what my medical doctor had told me. I have read and read and read so much on hormones and adrenals and everything I could on  menopause – listened to every TV show on the subject, and researched for at least the past 10 years so when she started to talk I knew what she was saying and it wasn’t anything new to me. So why did I go? the question is where to you start; from a natural point of view, to help yourself. Walk into Shoppers go to the vitamin section– what should I buy?? Lord knows I have bought most of it and thrown out just as much cause I forget to take it or it doesn’t work. But the Naturapath knows the right combinations and what interacts with what drugs, that is the important thing. Right off the bat when I started my antidepressants I was told by my family doctor not to take St John’s Wort cause it will not mix with the other drugs. So this Naturpathic Dr. takes the guess-work out of how much, what should I take, and not a dozen other things I think I need, but my body doesn’t use and I end up peeing money away. So I am relieved that way,
and this seems logical to me as a right step.

So I take my little baggy from the Doctor’s office and head home. I get home set my new collection out on the counter tell my husband all about the apt and head on with my life. This is week two of taking my little collection… and it dawns on me this morning (little slow -I am) I have gone from taking a pill in the morning and a pill at night to one liquid vit. and 3 other Vit.pills. Then I take 3 at lunch and my other pill in the evening. So to get off the anti depressant pills I have to take a teaspoon of liquid and 3 other pills more than once a day (picture head slowly tapping on a wall) Ironic !
Welcome to my life, one pill at a time , life of the mentally ill.
till next time………………..

I was watching a movie with my daughter the other weekend. It was called Perks of Being wall Flower. It is one of her favorites, she has watched it over and over and over.. read the book too. So finally I watch it with her. It becomes very apparent to me that one of the main characters suffers from mental illness. To make a long story short, his best friend takes his life, the main character struggles, he is friendless, gets friends, his friends leave him, and he gets them again, and his illness worstens and eventually leads to a black out, but his sister calls the cops and they break into the house, he awakes in the hospital mental ward. Movie in a nutshell.

At the end I am a mess. I leave the room go to the basement fold towels and cry for an hour. My husband is freaked out- afraid of my crying, I assure him I am fine and send him off to the gym and continue to cry once he is gone. It wasn’t the fact that the lead had a mental illness, it his slow break down that bothered me. You see the breakdown through images that are supposed to be going through his mind. Bits of this, Bits of friendships, bits of relationship pain, coming to a end with a black out. After the police break into the house and the lead ends up in the hospital in the mental ward, the psyc doctor comes in all puppy eyed and asking “so how you doing?” etc etc uggg really that is what the Doctor can come up with??? Cause if that was me I would be saying –“Fine, what the heck am I here for?” But it wasnt the doctor that made me cry- (eventhough the Doctor’s acting was aweful) It was the kids responce….”How do I stop it?” Stop what says the doctor, “Seeing it, all their lives all the time— there is so much pain I don’t know how to not notice it, its not my pain its is them everyone, it never stops”

Before the antidepressant drugs, before I knew what was happening to me, I emailed my pastor and asked him how to deal with it. How do I deal with the pain of my brothers rejection of family and God. Why wasn’t God dealing with this. How can I deal with the pain it is causing, I was confused and didn’t understand that the pain of all those who I was praying for wasn’t mine, I needed to give it to God and let him deal with the burden, but it burdened me down and I didn’t understand under the magnitude of the pain, and you mix that with a unstable mind and you fall down some pretty deep holes you never thought existed. Months and months later on I sat in my pastor’s office with a piece of paper, I had scribbled all over the paper, notes of a mad person, analyzing a bible verse I had to understand, I had to grasp the meaning, then I could feel better, I would be ok. I had scribbled all kinds of points, questions, and rambling and in the course of the conversation I realized I wasn’t looking for a meaning, or understanding I was caught between a flight and fight moment of anxiety and thinking that understanding one simple point would bring my mind clarity. When the reality was I was caught in the cycle of pain that blinded me to what was real and what wasn’t, and I distinctly remember sitting in the office thinking —how did I get to this office and why am I here? What was my point? I was lost and again seeing the pain around me, I could not understand nor fix. A few months ago I had a bad episode – I had been sliding and I knew I was but I didn’t want to- and refused to acknowledge it, I hid it, and one night blacked out only to awaken in my bed the next morning with 7 or 8 cuts up and down my forearm I don’t really remember doing, I remember the feeling I had the night before, thinking I have made the outside look like the feeling inside, and feeling peace from the thought. I was horrified when I woke up the next morning, when I realized what I had done. I didn’t stop at that time, I after a month of hiding and trying to heal, I told my husband who freaked, but didn’t understand. Who can understand the inside of the messed up mind but another messed up mind.

I cried at the movie, because the last 5 minutes of the movie was me, I was watching my words being spoke by someone else, I watched someone else end up in the hospital on the silver screen that should have been me – had I not hid things so well. It was like an out of body experience and I was watching me. With shame, and pain, and understanding, I saw me.

It has taken me a month to talk about this movie. The previous months and things I have wrote about seem a lifetime ago, not months ago. In some ways they feel like a movie–someone else’s life, someone else’s illness. I am trying not to feel the pain of others, keeping my head down, not to see, not to notice.

Where does this put me in my walk with God? We are standing and looking at the clouds, neither moving forward, nor moving back. To move in a relationship you must feel, I do not wish to feel so I progress no where.

till next time…………………..