Sunday night …the end of a painful weekend.  I have had maybe 8 hours sleep all weekend.  I am tired, but can’t sleep, I am angry, I am negative, I am sad – and self-destructive. I fell into a hole, and nothing is real.  I feel nothing but pain, I am trying not to cut myself but the pain wishes to reveal itself on the outside and appears.  This is the account of a person dealing with depression and the feelings that come and the coping I do.  Causing myself pain believe it or not releases the inner struggle.  Do I want to hurt myself, no, but my mind goes away and I  am not found. a numbness comes, and can not be denied, put away, or hidden.   Things are surreal, I  do not know what is a real thing.  I can not even put into words the mess I am in right now.  I want to be good and loving and be so much more than I am becoming.  I am in a state of giving up.  I have given up so many things I wish to be involved with at church cause I can’t do them I have ministry things that are dear to me and I see them being set aside because I can’t cope.  Hell I couldn’t do the darn Costco shop on my own, don’t even look at my washrooms they are a mess.  I was a women in control…now I can’t even scrub a toilet.

this reads like self-pity and whining.  idiot.

how do you explain depression without sounding self-centered and pitiful.  It is this deep-seated pain that rests in your heart, and a voice which belittles everything about you.  My husband gets a call from a person from our church today — a hard ass- pardon the expression.  But had wonderful things to say about him and the lack of him playing in the band at church.   Nice it made him feel so good, she forgot I played guitar and didn’t realize I played in the band too.  I stand beside my husband — How invisible am I — is that pitiful.   maybe it is.

Bottom line tonight I don’t know what is what.  I don’t even know if there is a God. I look at the most delicate things he created in this world and look at the scars on my arm, If he is so great how can I feel so bad.  If he is so wonderful, how can he let his child hurt.  As a parent I have let my children suffer through things, instead of giving them all they want to teach them humility.  How proud must I be if this is my fathers lesson to me.

till next time